Other Casualties

The Daily Utah Chronicle, Tuesday , February 7, 1978 A Guest Opinion The Misery and suffering of homosexuals at B.Y.U. As I sit down to write this letter, I am filled with mixed emotions. The front page article of the Chronicle dated January 31, 1978, affected me so personally that I feel I must write this letter. It will do little good published and yet even if published anonymous letters are not usually treated as seriously, or given the same respect, consideration or authority as those bearing the author's name. But is it worth the risk of probable negative effect on family, friends or career to sign my name to what I am about to write? In response to editorial comments preceding the letter written by the man signing himself L.M.L. and published under the banner " Mormon and Gay " ... I can only say I have no question as to the authenticity of events related in that letter. Sufficient information is presented in that letter to leave little doubt that I was one of those whose lives were affected by L.M.L.'s actions. A decade ago, during the school year 1967-68 I was a senior at Brigham Young University ( B.Y.U.) After successfully completing a Mormon mission, I had returned to B.Y.U. and had completed my sophomore and junior years My Mormon upbringing had filled me with aversion, remorse, and guilt when it became impossible to avoid recognizing my homosexuality. I had continued at B.Y.U. to live with the knowledge that It would not be desirable or acceptable if the truth were known. And yet wouldn't repentance and a solution to my problem be more difficult on other campuses of the latter 60's with agnostic and atheistic professors and students, student riots, hippies, free love and drugs? Under such conditions would I be able to find a solution or the incentive to overcome my problem? L.M.L. writes of "... the paranoia homosexuals at that institution were by necessity forced to live with." B.Y.U. students were instructed that it was their duty and obligation to inform on any fellow student known or even suspected of not conforming to university standards. Then there were those students assigned by Standards or Housing to inspect the living quarters of other students, even those who lived off campus unless they lived with their families, and report any evidence of non-conformity to standards. Whether or not a spy ring actually existed on campus, there was little reason to be convinced that it didn't. Being gay at B.Y.U. was like being in the CIA or the Communist Party (depending on your point of view). Even before one gay student would introduce two gay friends ( as gay ) without revealing names, he had to give each friend sufficient information about the other to enable the friend to satisfy himself that the other could be trusted and that he could give his permission to be introduced as being gay. In case of parties or get-togethers, the precautions were even more complex. One had to be certain that a new friend was not an informer or a plant. During the school year of 1967-68, given the proper clearance, I was eventually invited to a few parties. Sometimes we played party games, Battleship or the like, but mostly talked. We discussed our school activities, and aspirations. And of course there was the ever present, ever oppressive question," What do we do about our Homosexuality? " If we can change, individually or collectively, how do we live with our homosexuality in the Church most of us loved? Those who had sought professional or ecclesiastical counseling reported that no matter how well intentioned, those consulted were so unknowledgable, and so unappreciative of the real feelings and problems of the homosexual that little was accomplished and it had been a waste of time. Then came the night of that infamous party. I was casually introduced to someone I did not remember having ever met before. We seemed to have little in common and, as I remember, talked little. Some days later the host asked if I remembered this individual from the party. I was told that someone had turned him in and that he, in turn, had provided a list of names, naming everyone he knew or had met. What happened in the weeks that followed came to be called by those involved as the Witch Hunts of 1968. One by one students were called into Standards. One by one students reported their experiences. ( One thing the efforts of B.Y.U. accomplished was a breakdown of the previous reticence on the part of gay students to be known by other gays. We had to hang together or hang separately.) It was always the same. The initial approach was the expression of a desire to help. Conditions for remaining at B.Y.U. were their supplying of additional names and the approval of President Kimball ( then Elder Kimball.) The request for names was so that all of those with the same problem could be helped. If the student cooperated and supplied a list of names his trip to standards was relatively painless; if not, interrogation procedures were put into effect, threats of immediate expulsion or worse, being confined in a room alone ( solitary ) to think about it, a barrage of insistent questions, sometimes from more than one source and the like. Some reported that even after being detained for hours they had still refused to supply additional names only to later seem to disappear from campus, apparently forced to leave so suddenly that friends did not know when they had left or where they had gone. Others reported that to make their visits as brief as possible they had supplied fictitious names or the names of only those they knew had already been reported. Apparently, however, some supplied additional names as the number of those called into Standards steadily grew. L.M.L. writes of "...the hell broke loose in the lives of those I had revealed. Hell such as excommunications, degrees denied, careers interrupted or even ruined, and, perhaps, lives ended. " This I can verify. Those I knew who were involved were not hippies or the less desirables (except for their homosexuality).These were for the most part Mormon elders very active in their wards. Some had received recognition for the participation in student affairs. A significant number maintained B averages or better through three years of college. There was the ROTC officer who faced not only expulsion but the loss of his commission and career as well as the scholarship which enabled him to go to school at all. There were college seniors who had been promised good positions as management trainees or junior executives upon graduation but who would now have to give up such dreams. Even if one were allowed to graduate what hope did one have when his official school records, open to prospective employers, labeled him as a homosexual? In addition to the personal lives of the students there were also the families to consider. Some were the sons of prominent civic or church leaders in their respective communities and some were even related to a General Authority a I was. Feelings and emotions were especially high since it was reported that our friend had confided in another that he had been promised that if he would supply a list of names he would be allowed to remain in school at least until the end of the term with no difficulties presented if he then wished to transfer to another university or college. If he failed to supply names he would be expelled immediately with a good chance that this would be the end of his college career. Who could feel good about a traitor who would sell out his friends just to save his own skin? There is more I could write, much more, of difficulties encountered in obtaining employment, of the fact that although I was not expelled but chose to leave school at the end of the term without seeing Elder Kimball or attempting to obtain his approval for further studies, B.Y.U. still coded my records so that I could not obtain an official transcript to go to school elsewhere because of a problem with Standards which had not been cleared. In fairness, some months later I discovered that this had been cleared and I could obtain a transcript. B.Y.U. did not notify me of this fact, however, and it was only by accident that I found out. I could write of my personal experiences in seeing no evidence of any desire to help but only to rid the campus of undesireables. But why? Why should I relate the misery and suffering I have both seen and experienced as a result of attitudes such as those expressed by President Kimball and the Mormon Church? My reason for writing this letter was twofold, to say, yes, it did ( and I suppose does ) happen at B.Y.U., that what L.M.L. relates is based on what I know to be fact, and to say to L.M.L. if you are who I have every reason to believe you are, it was all so long ago. I do not know that I can totally forgive and forget. The publication of your letter brought back too many painful memories. Still, I cannot hold you personally responsible. I can only denounce and decry those conditions and circumstances which did and do make such things possible. This is one former B.Y.U. student, at least, from whom you need have no fear of retaliation. ---Name withheld

It may have been so long ago to this fellow student but to the one who turned in the list as I chose to do it would become nightmares and day dreams of despair for years to come. It is with great relief that I see these two historic letters in print. To verify the truthfulness of them with my name finally assigned to the January 31, 1978 letter which I wrote further substantiates what occurred. It has bothered me over these years to think that my letter to the editor was charged as being bogus at the time of its printing. Now there is a real author and a second witness to what occurred at B.Y.U.

Again to clarify any minor misconceptions in the B.Y.U. episode, I was never promised a thing for my list of names. I was expelled from the University immediately. I was without my scholastic support and save for 30.00 dollars loaned me by President Kimball (then Elder and Apostle Kimball) I was destitute. As I walked the streets of Salt Lake looking for lodging and employment I believed I had been cursed by God.

I have mentioned I decided to return to my roommates apartment and through their acknowledged support of my situation I stayed off campus with them, working in yard work to support myself until the close of the Spring term.

There were times that I needed friendship, support, and a listening ear. Most of the time I got laughter, indifference and chiding from these fellow gay students who were for all practical purposes persuing an education not giving me therapy. Perhaps this person " name withheld " left the party early or forgot the situation. Let me stress that these were very nice people who in their paranoia perhaps had also become bitter and desperate due to so much hypocrisy and subterfuge.

It appeared at the time ( 1978 ) that I became obsessed with the need to tell anyone who would listen what had happened to me. To me in the telling of the occurrences seemed my redemption, my healing.

June 5,1978 - " Interview by K.Q.E.D. Andrew Welch, John Rose the artist. Told about the experiences I had in the Church involving my homosexuality. I was in the shadows so that my face did not show and my full name was not used. The program will be seen primarily by a California audience in the Los Angeles area, I believe."

June 27, 1978 Tuesday - " Monumental day - Bishop Matheson ( the acting Bishop of the ward to which I belonged ) summoned me to his office to question me concerning my being a gay rights activist. Seems Bob, who is gay, married, fellow worker at Brown Floral, cruiser of Liberty Park, had not only complained to my employer ( leading to my early firing ) but to his Bishop. He divulged that I had written gay related articles for the newspapers the same way I had turned in names at B.Y.U.

When Bishop Matheson asked me if I were a gay activist. I asked him if he had ever talked to a gay person before in his office in the Bishopric. He said No. I said within myself, oh yes you have. The interview changed from that moment on. I would not really deal with this man. Bishop or not!

He asked me if I believed that President Kimball was a prophet. I said he should be. Then he asked me if I believed in God. I said I don't know now that it has come to this point in my life. ( When I become overwhelmed in life I sometimes forget the spiritual things which have been witnessed to me. In this case I was overwhelmed. ) He told me that it was reported that I was a gay activist. I told him I was not a gay activist.

Wouldn't that mean I would be marching in the streets? I wasn't doing that! Wouldn't that mean I would be reviling the Church? I didn't feel that. Then I asked the Bishop if I would be excommunicated could it be done quietly pointing to the trauma it may entail to my wife, children, and her family."

That is all I put in my journal that day. I can not even remember how the meeting ended. At that point I did not care. I felt as though I was in the theater of the absurd. Good men interrogating other good men to find their weakness or what separated them as people or as human beings. It all seemed so absurd. I could not stand it another moment.

I have often reflected upon that day wondering if the early Apostles Peter, James, and John would have asked me to inform on fellow gays and lesbians? Would they have me expelled from religious education in their former day Universities. Could they have thought they were doing good firing me from my employment? Would I follow their advise lying about my homosexuality with my eternal companion? Would they force me to marry, raise a family and endure sexual intimacy with someone whom I loved only platonicly?

July 18,1978- Tuesday-" Somehow my mother got the information that I had returned to gay life style, to get divorced and leave the Church. My mother wrote in anger, fear and disappointment that she would cut off my penis if I came back to visit her. I realized that though she was angry and misguided now I wondered what really went on between her and I when I was a little child. After I read her letter I resealed it so it looked like I never opened it and sent it back: return to sender. "

I didn't realize it at the time but this was one more cold breeze in the whirlwind building a storm within me to take a stand.

July 26, 1978 - Wednesday-" Channel 5 news interviewed me in the children's playroom on the pediatric ward concerning my employment with terminally ill children at the University of Utah Medical Center . The children were very special and were enjoying themselves while the interview took place. I was very proud of my professionalism in this most rewarding occupation for me as children's play co-ordinator. "

While I saught the press to testify of all the negative things which occurred to me being a member of the Church and being Gay this one afternoon I was honored for my career successes which seemed to calm my perplexity.

October 3, 1978 - Tuesday -" Talked to Boyd K. Packard today on the telephone. He was the only general authority available. He did not want to speak to me in person but referred me to C. Kent Petersen. Brother Packard said he got too confused on the issues (Homosexuality). This implied to me that the answers seemed too contradictory. "

I remembered a conference talk of Apostle Packard where he likened the Restored gospel of Jesus Christ to a piano key board. He reported that some other faiths were pounding just one note but that the restored Gospel was the full key board playing every single note in a beautiful musical piece. Elder Packard on another occassion accused the homosexual of being selfish.

President Kimball often spoke of the sins of omission. If the leaders of the Church did not understand the issues before I am certain as they fall next in line to be prophet of the Church such understanding will be made known unto them as they seek beyond the thoughts of men and listen to the still small voice of the Lord. We are throughout the Church and in the privacy of our imposed exile quietly playing the gospels beautiful music. Will you listen?

From the leaders and members of the Church I heard the note of condemnation being pounded. It sounded from the pulpits from those who seem to know little of the situation. It echoed in the membership throughout the state from those who would fear gay or lesbian teachers, health care workers or even a play co-ordinator with terminally ill children. Unfortunately it seemed to smother out any of the notes of forgiveness, love, empathy or reconciliation which were so desperately needed to be heard. Without that support I believed I needed to continue to speak out and so I did.

October 17, 1978 - Tuesday -" I rewrote the letter I had printed in the Utah Chronicle. I made it a little more readable to the gay and lesbian audience and signed it L.M.L. It was submitted and printed in the Open Door, a gay and lesbian newpaper in Salt Lake City. "

I later expanded the L.M.L. initials into a ghost writer name, Loren Matthew Lakewood, which I used when submitting written works. During this time my dear friend, Brad became active in the Church and was preparing to go on a mission.

Sometime that summer Brad and I had a last picnic together. We had a campfire in the canyon. To me it was very romantic and beautiful. I did not realize we were saying goodbye for this life. I wrote him two poems. One about our mountain hikes and the another about our last evening.

My children knew and liked Brad. When Brad went on his mission Cory came into my life. My children met Cory. I don't know how but we had dinner together with them ( according to my journal ). I grew to care for Cory but he was young and I was just one of the first people with which he thought he cared.

My journals are filled at this time with long letters to President Kimball with numerous complaints. They are a burden to even reread them so I will just say that during this period leading to my separation from my wife there were moments of forgiveness, anger, pain and love. None of which could save a marriage like ours. These letters were the preparation to my June 8, 1979 letter requesting my name to be taken from the rolls of the Church. (excommunication)

March 20 1979- Tuesday - " Gave my letter to President Kimball which stated my objection to marrying homosexuals to heterosexuals and the Church News recent articles alluding to the death penalty for the homosexuals anciently in the Bible being a threat on us today. He had told me the modern Church was being lenient on the homosexual who anciently was put to death. I told him I was leaving the Church. "

My journals do not clarify to me whether I saw him that day in person or spoke to him that day or another time on the phone.

April 26, 1979 - Thursday - " The Masters and Johnson team in sexual studies reports 40% of gays can be cured. My wife thinks I can change. Some other friends who I have met at the study group at the University gay consciousness group have had their spouses point to the Masters and Johnson report saying they can change.

With the death penalty statements being made by the Church there seems no protection. I am becoming very paranoid. I am a foreigner in a world of people who would threaten to murder me in the name of God. I suppose that is the height of paranoia but with these threats at my throat and all the misinformed heterosexuals around I feel afraid. It has been reported that a group of women were at the head of getting gays out of the Jay Welch Chorale I belong too. I need to leave this place.( Salt Lake City, Utah ) "