October 16,1973- Tuesday - " I went and spoke to President Kimball. He informed me that he was turning over files of people he had counseled to Social Services since he was now President of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles. He told me my file would not be included because I had married. I told him I didn't feel any sexual enjoyment with my wife. He told me I should force myself and to stay with the program. I told President Kimball I had left the Temple work and how angry I felt toward my superiors and he counseled me to be forgiving. That I more than anyone should forgive others. "
I went to his new office which was recently decorated with the furnishings which belonged to President David O. McKay. He said I should be a Banker like he was or work as a custodian, or in a parking ramp. Start a job and really work and show them you can do it. He gave me a blessing to help me in my new job. He gave me a fifty dollar travelers cheque and told me to pay some of my bills. Later I noticed the check had my name spelled incorrectly but I wasn't about to go screaming back so I signed it misspelled. I later paid him back after he became prophet of the church and he did not remember the loan he made to me.
I was to meet a young man in one of my next jobs who was awaiting approval to go on his mission. I felt that my former wife and I had something to do with helping him to feel worthy to go on his mission and later when our son was born we named our first born son after him.
I had many jobs in the next few years (1) Ornamental Horticultural Assistant at U.S.U extension services through the CETA program (2) Art Therapist Assistant at Granite Mental Health Center also a CETA position.
My first born son arrived in November. I was there in the delivery room. Later in the month I had many moments alone with him and I said in my journal: " My Son has been so pleasant today. I love him very much. I hope he doesn't mind me naming him after my dear friend and brother who meant so much to me. "
I loved my friend very much.
December 5,1973- " My little son. I took him to my wife's arms for his nursing.....I stopped at the Assembly Hall at 5:00 p.m. for an appointment with Richard P. Condie. Brother Condie told me to come back at 6:30 p.m. I went home and prayed and exercised my voice. I drove down and the two voices ahead of me sounded as though they were struggling so I felt relieved.... Brother Condie told me I had a good voice, can hear quite well. He said he would make an opening for me in his appointment schedule. He said he will call me either at work or home...." Special thing: Ice Skate card.
December 7, 1973 - " I talk to my son with care and concern. I tell him when and where I am going when I leave the house. We opened Gramma Helen's presents today and described them to my son while he nursed....I worried about my wife as she was away for three hours. I talked with Mary's mother by phone, she cried as she explained her home and relationship with her husband which was having difficulties. I gave her the best advise I could think of (1) Have a family home evening each week. (2) Prayer morning and evening and (3) Read the scriptures. Tears filled my eyes when I felt needed and also when my wife came home safely. I was worried about her. Special thing: A fern frond with the words - a thing of beauty is a joy forever. "
There was a lot of time spent with my son changing diapers, shampooing his hair, giving baths, and just at play. He would awaken usually numerous times in the evening so I waltzed with him in my arms and sang to him until he fell back to sleep. I mention in my journal that I could not wait to talk, hike and spend time together with my son. I knew I was experiencing quality time with my little boy. It was much more attention than my father could give to me.
December 27,1973- " Thursday- We watched the tribute to Harold B. Lee the prophet, who died last night unexpectedly. Now President Kimball is the prophet of the Church. WE OWE THE PROPHET OF GOD FIFTY DOLLARS. That's a sobering thought. That seems a little humorous too! "
December 29, 1974- " Saturday - Listened to President Lee's funeral. President Kimball compared President Lee to a Redwood tree and that It had fallen in the forest. Elder Hinckley said his death was not untimely. The Lord knew his purposes. President Romney spoke of his friendship. President Tanner cried..........I called David Hicken and David Lund to ask for our home teachers because I felt like I had pneumonia. My lung was aching. They realized that we had not been assigned home teachers for some unknown reason. So David said he would come over tonight and administer to me. David administered to me. David said in the blessing that the blessing would be a revelation for me, talked of my mission in life. He commanded by the power of the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood that those parts in me which were afflicting me, to be healed..Special thing: A Christmas tree lit in our room.
David later said he and his wife would be willing to take care of our son when we go to the Temple. They seem to love my son very much. They are expecting a child. He and his wife watched my wife and I give my son a bath. They held him and fed him. "
David was a very loving person. He was a true Latter Day Saint. I wish I could have been one tenth a Christian as he was. He was not only very handsome but kind to me. I was privileged to know him. He is one of the few men in the church who I would like to see when I leave this earth.
I always felt more positive when other couples took time to be with my wife and I. I enjoyed the companionship as well as it filled any longing I had for male affection. It would be an appropriate way to receieve gratification of the almost unquenchable need I had to have company with other men. That need was becoming more apparent as the years of my marriage to a women continued.
January 5, 1973-" Saturday- David Hicken picked me up and took me to the stake farm where we shoveled manure and slug hammered cement to make room for a new fence.....David and I talked about President Kimball, spiritual experiences and things we learned on our mission....David gave me his hat because I had a cold...how I enjoyed the company of a brother. Special thing: Courier and Ives card in Mary's diary."
My wife and I continued to do service within the Church through our slide presentation of the Hill Cumorah Pageant. We would home teach together, engage in Temple visits with other young married couples and spend many hours with our new son. I continued to take lessons from Brother Condie at a high rate per hour for my finances but I had prayed several years previous and the Lord had told me I would be in the choir. So I made sacrifices to enable me to pay for the lessons.
January 25,1974- " Friday - Lesson with Brother Condie... Condie was in a poetic mood. He talked about sunsets and color in my voice. He spoke of getting me in the Choir before he passed out of this life. It made me feel sad. He said he expected to get me into the choir very soon. He quoted the poem Lovely As A Tree. He took my hand in departure as a Monsieur of France and bid me Adieu. I called him mon papa condie.....Special thing: pamphlets on sewing. "
January 27, 1974 - Sunday -" Priesthood Meeting- Farewell to David Lund and David Hicken both moving their families from the ward. David Hicken apologized for failing us. I told him he did not fail me. He taught me wonderful lessons of life. One time I left the snow in the walkway because I felt resentful to my neighbors who shared the walkway so David shoveled the whole walk when hearrived to see us. "
I was struggling trying to balance my need to have men influencing my life to the other factor of
taking enough time with my wife investing in what seemed to be an experiment into heterosexual
family life. It was frustrating without anyone personally there who had been through this
experience giving words of encouragement. I was not equipped to face this struggle alone.