January 26, 1973 - Friday - " I want to stay working in the temple. Talked to Brother Millgate. He said perhaps a recommend ( an authorization in writing needed to attend the Temple ) desk job would come about soon. I seemed to be jerked around from job to job. Promise this position then that position. I threaten resignation and then something is offered. I refer to myself as the Lord's bell boy. I don't mind that but I want to be able to take care of my family and must get some stability. Special thing: Cleaned the floor and vacuumed the rugs at home. "
January 30,1973-" Tuesday- President Metcalf and Brother Millgate met with me today to explain they plan to put me on salary, find me work in a supervisory position here in Salt Lake or in the new Washington Temple. We have had bomb threats. Brother Millgate related if any bombing comes it will be from our own. Special thing: I had Mary's jewel box soldered back together."
During the next few years of our lives we endlessly and tirelessly did for others. Mary baked a thousand cookies and I iced them. We drove people places, home taught many ( every member is visited by the Priesthood once a month or more ) and encouraged many in our ward to attend the Temple. I was too busy to sin but I could think and much of my sexual energy in that time period was directed into the memories of the men I came in contact with during the daytime. The marriage was good but it was not helping me to change to be a heterosexual.
February 21, 1973- Wednesday-" We read two chapters of Acts of the Apostles from the New Testament. We have read scriptures every morning and evening since we have been married. Played Christmas music for special thing today. "
February 23, 1973-Friday-" worked on the cub scout scrapbook....I seem to blame God for my problems and I do. It is difficult to understand such a fatherless childhood, my mothers inappropriate actions and the searching and ponderings I now go through. While others stand secure I stand anywhere the ice is thick. My burdens seem overpowering and I'm moved around like a marionette from test to test. I want to progress so why am I complaining....Special thing: I collected candies at work and gave them to my wife, Mary. "
February 27, 1973- " Tuesday- Even amidst the personal failures and bad experiences my spirit today is bolstered up. I heard the still small voice inside tell me : you can be in the Tabernacle Choir, I ain't down yet. I wept as I talked and thought about my rededication to the Lord....made a card for Mary's special thing. Mary gave me a box full of gifts in honor of my baptism 9 years ago today." Thank you Mary.
March 12,1973- " Monday- ...Helped with directing the missionaries as they completed their endowments ( ordinances in the Temple ), saw President Broberg, my Mission president. He gave me a big hug and told the missionaries I was one of his Montana elders...."
April 11,1973- " Wednesday- My spirits lifted today. Brother Millgate said he would talk to me about a new job....I wonder if I am making Mary happy."
This is what I wondered. Was our marriage just one of respect? It was a loving relationship but there was something missing, a romance, a passion that I believe is so necessary to a marriage relationship. This has caused me great sorrow and confusion and depression to think that I interfered with Mary's life in making it impossible for her to receive the love she deserved with me. Our passion was seldom expressed and it wasn't fair to her or me to pretend to be something I am not!
June 16,1973- " Saturday- As Mary and I walked down Main Street in front of the Temple. The moment we passed the walled area and walked by the grill work area the spirit was overwhelming. We were directly in front of the East side of the Temple. The spirit of the Lord was so strong, we were very moved. I started to go ask the others walking by if they felt that feeling. But they seem to be in such a hurry. The moment we passed the grill work which had given us the view of the front of the Temple the feeling stopped. Special thing: " Grandfather chair. "
This feeling of the spirit of the Lord was similar a few years previous when my sister flew to Salt Lake City with her children to visit. Even though my sister said she had a drink on the airplane trip before arrival she felt the spirit of the Lord on Temple Square. We took her there directly upon arriving.
June 19,1973- " Brother Millgate said they got me $ 2.00 per hour total. I was getting $1.80 per hour. How can I raise a family on that kind of money blessings or no blessings as a Church employee. "
July 16,l973-" Monday- Worked cleaning in the Temple 3:00 a.m.to 11:00 with Steve Hansen. Brother Millgate informed me my raise of 2:00 per hour was not approved. It would not come till September or even later. I felt discouraged and went home right away. Special thing: Strawberry Ice cream cup with a sign = Happy Strawberry you ole cranberry.= "
July 17, 1973- " Tuesday - Steve took me on the fourth floor to help him. I love it there. I like the long last supper table in the diningroom area. We straightened the Twelve apostles chairs and the first Presidency chairs. The prophets pictures were hung around the room. I sat down in the some of the chairs. ( You never know just how very close we are. ) Brother Dan Hansen ( Treasurer of the Temple ) was complaining about my sideburns being too long. He complains that I talk to the patrons and workers to much. Special thing: Lantern in Bedroom for Mary. "
July 20,1973-" Friday - We are celebrating Christmas in July in honor of the Christmas in July we celebrated with my sister and her children when they visited a few years ago. It has become a family tradition. We have the same potted tree we used. We make presents, Mary cooks Christmas cookies and fudge. We decorated the Christmas tree tonight..... Vacuumed in the Temple. President Kimball ( now President of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles) came through the celestial room where I was vacuuming. He had visitors from Brazil with him and was giving them a tour of the Temple.
I saw the furniture from the Holy of Holies. The door was also opened as workers entered to do some kind of work. I could see the hallway, the small riser of stairs, red draperies and the first vision stainglass window. Special thing: Put away Mary's things. "
July 21,1973 - " Saturday- " Mary and I got up real early and got the turkey cooling. I frosted the cookies for the Cubs Scouts. We took Larry, Paul, Ken, Frank and Tony up the Alpine Loop to Timpaneke ( near Provo ) by the glacier. We hiked within the mountain heights. As we walked with them in a beautiful meadow each one came close to us for a hug one at a time. It was a very rewarding day. Special thing: Mary opened the wrapped up presents of desert dishes and soup bowls, with rose bud pattern."
President Kimball had told me that I should not be a Cub Scout leader. He told me to resign as the young boys would be a temptation to me. I wasn't attracted to young children. This kind of advise only further confused me causing me to feel like a split personality. I felt like I was one thing to him and something else to the public. It caused me self doubting and anxiety. I believe President Kimball was caught up in the fears and beliefs of the day. Why lean on the arm of man when you can talk to the Lord face to face?
July 23, 1973- " Monday- Saw Richard P. Condie at the Gulf station. Perhaps the time soon will come for me to be in the Lord's Choir. Special thing: Mary Poppins and generating a feeling of Christmas. "
August 7, 1973 - " Tuesday - Worked in the Temple.... moved chairs into the marriage waiting room. Took chairs to the 5th floor Assembly Hall. While I worked I practiced trying out for the Tabernacle Choir. I sang Oh How Lovely Was The Morning, ( a Mormon Hymn ) Christ The Lord Is Risen Today. I sang some songs by Palestrina- O Magnum Mysterium, and Ave Maria in Latin. The Lord didn't seem to mind. I felt complete peace. Mary went to the doctor and heard the baby's heartbeat. Special thing: Tried to make Mary feel better from a stomach ache. "
August 9, 1973 - " Thursday - We presented the Hill Cumorah Pageant Slides. We have made this presentation over twenty times since 1971 - to over 500 people. The largest group was 200 at the Millcreek Stake Center. Lunch with Steve Hansen. Talked about his parents hitting him. Special thing : mints from Maria Hirt."
During this time my wife and I fasted and prayed to find another job for me as the pay from my job in the Temple was insufficient to raise a family. I had tired of the unfulfilled promises. I resigned my position in the Temple to look for other work.
I also met Wally and his wife in the Temple as they were sealing their little girl to them. Wally was to become very close to me. We shared family home evening, picnic and church functions together. Later he would divorce as I did and we would be involved in a short affair.
September 25, 1973-Tuesday- " Called Church Personnel Employment. Made appointment with Don Hansen ( not the treasurer of the Temple.) As I sat in Don Hansen's office I felt so discouraged and all the job offers seemed foreign. I looked down at the Temple from the Church Office Building and especially the annex where I used to work. I told Brother Hansen how I missed working in the Temple.
He pointed out that I should have qualified for insurance working 30 hours weekly. I was working sometimes 70 hours weekly. Don had me fill out another application. Special thing: Christmas card. "
October 4, 1973 - " Thursday- meeting with Dan Hansen, Derek Metcalf and Lynn Millgate. Brother Hansen ( treasurer of the Temple) keeping me outside his office said he would call for me in a moment.
Once I was in his office He said," Now that I couldn't find a job in the outside world I came crawling back to them. I said that is not true. I had four other job possibilities but I did not want them. I also mentioned my old job in the Temple was supposed to offer benefits after 30 hours a week. Under those circumstances I wanted my position back.
Brother Millgate said the position was filled but I could be on maintenance. Brother Hansen then said " Did you think you were indispensable and we wouldn't fill your vacancy. " I said this wasn't my purpose in coming to them. I was told by personnel and the President of the Temple, President Edmunds that my position was available.
I believe the most incomprehensible part of the meeting occurred when I was offered maintenance work M-F or T-Saturday. Brother Hansen asked me if I had made a decision, he had to have it then. I told them I wanted to consult my wife and pray to the Lord about the decision. At this Brother Hansen lowered his head in displeasure and shook his head. I could not believe that he would mock this principle of my spirituality. I thought I was in the presence of a Missouri Mobocrat. ( persecutors of Mormons ) ..........I have been in a daze most the day. I didn't realize it but this incident was a real tug at my testimony because I had trusted in man. So I walked home tearful and with great grief for I knew I couldn't return to the Temple. "
I prepared to pray with Mary and we both decided I would not return to working in the Temple as a maintenance worker. Then we both knelt down in the privacy of our bedroom in prayer to God.
I've had some powerful manifestations of the spirit before in my life, my mission, and with my wife but this manifestation I will never forget. It was a witness of the Holy Ghost to us that I should not take the maintenance job offered to me.
I remember kneeling with my wife in prayer. As I prayed I told the Lord that I decided to not take the position of maintenance. We felt the room fill with a warm radiance. Then our spirits were overcome so much so that we wept. We felt what seemed like the presence of a divine being in the room before us.
I was so amazed that I lifted my head to open my eyes to see this personage but I could see no one with my physical eyes. I closed my eyes and continued in rapture. We prayed and received a manifestation of the Holy Ghost that our decision was the right decision.
I asked my wife if she had felt the presence of a personage in our room as we prayed. She told me she did. " We called President Edmunds and told him my former position was not available and I wouldn't want the custodial work as It would not afford me study time. Mary and I went for a walk. Upon returning President Edmunds informed me I could have my old job back. I told him I needed a half hour to consult the Lord.. He was glad to oblige.
I thought of every particular. I thought it would be good to return to the Temple to show forgiveness and advance but as we prayed there was no further manifestation, no peace, no answer. Five times or more we knelt and prayed but still no answer. Finally I felt some peace upon the last attempt as I felt I would not return to the Temple.
I got a hold of President Edmunds at 4:00 p.m. I told him of what had occurred and I felt I should obey the first manifestation. He did not realize what a powerful witness it had been. President Edmunds said," should I not try to pray again and not lead the spirit." He told me to think it over and call him Sunday night or Monday morning and tell him my decision. "
October 8, l973- " Called President Edmunds and I said no to the job. Monday - I picked up my check from Sister Solomon. She said I could not have the check until I told if I were returning and give up the parking sticker to the parking garage. I told her it was in pieces, she wanted the pieces I told her I threw them out. I told her she could have my check then she said she will mail it. I said I will pick it up in 15 minutes. So I did!.....I took an aspirin for my tension. It did not help. We went to a family home evening at our friends Wally's house. We read 10 pages of the old testament that day. Special thing: I put two posters on the ceiling Joseph Smith's house and the Hill Cumorah."
Mary and I continued to attend the Temple regularly as we were called by our Bishop to be the ward representatives responsible for getting young couples to attend the Temple. In fact my wife worked very intently beside me doing all we could in our callings.
At this time in world events Israel was fighting Egypt and Syria and finally Jordan. Vice
President Agnew gave a speech to explain he was not guilty of crimes but resigned for the benefit
of the nation. I had seen up to including 10 therapists to this time to deal with being gay and
Mormon.