Our Temple Marriage

November 21,1972-" Tuesday- Interview with Stake President Heslop. ( an officer over several Bishops and wards.) ( Every member of the Church is interviewed by the Bishop then the stake President to receive a Temple recommend to enter the Temple.) President Heslop kept saying I was a procrastinator since it was a day before our wedding and not relating to us so I told him to be quiet. I was just about ready to walk out. I explained I worked 2:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m. then went home to rest, back to the Temple at 10:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. There was no other time I could schedule with him. We also were following our bishops scheduling with his interview etc. I rectified by explaining what I had done to get to that point. I expressed myself as best what had happen, but I did not apologize for being sharp with him. He was a real.... Had a wonderful talk with the matron of the Temple Sister Edmunds. What a goddess. Ate lunch with Mary in the Temple. Endowment session in the evening with our friends. We went into our sealing room to get acquainted with the space."

November 22,1972- " Today My wife and I were sealed for time and all eternity. I was nervous until we started caring for our guests and forgetting ourselves. The sealing had some very special moments for us. The guests were spiritual people. My wife's parents were special. Grampa Dye let me use his Temple robes. There were references to President and Sister McKay's life time romancing each other with a special thing done for each other each day. We were counseled to do this thoughtful consideration for each other each day of our lives. We ate lunch in the Temple cafeteria with our friends. The Temple workers gave us a Christmas tree made with dollars. When we went home we had a spaghetti dinner, didn't answer the door or phone. We were told our neighbors would march around our house making noise. It never happened to us. The flowers were beautiful. We are each others forever. "

Our marriage was not consummated until sometime in December because I was very uncomfortable about having sex with a woman. I had never had sex with a woman. I spoke to my bishop to get some understanding on how to have intercourse with a women. He told me to start with massage, kissing and caressing. He was very kind and understanding. I believe he thought I came to him pure, but in reality I had sex with numerous men but never a woman. I was a gay. I would now be experimenting with intimacy with a woman which hardly seemed fair to my partner.

November 26,1972-Sunday " My wife and I were called to be cub pack leaders in our ward by our Bishop. Special thing: We bought each other gifts at Z.C.M.I. "

We fitted the cub scout work into our busy schedule. My wife was working as well. When you are called into a position in the Mormon Church it is supposed to be under inspiration. I felt it was because we knew some of these boys their parents and there was a real need for caring people to be interested in them. Few others were willing to do the work.

I was a gay leader of the Cub Scouts of America unknown to anyone else. I was probably not the first nor the last. I did not teach a single boy to be gay. I did not molest them. I did not recruit a single boy to join the ranks of homosexuality. If any of them were homosexual I did not bully them into subjection, ridicule, or condemnation nor did I endeavor to persuade them to my point of view. As with most heterosexual or homosexual persons sex was not a factor when doing community and church service.

November 29,1972- " Wednesday - cleaning in the Temple, still have trouble with who I am and what I feel ( homosexual feelings )....Made invitations for a Thank you very much Open House Party. We invited President and Sister Edmunds. I even invited Gonny the butch laundry lady who insults me. Special thing for today: Going on an old fashioned sleigh ride. "

December 1,1972-" Friday- Gave invitations to the Temple cleaning ladies for our Thank you very much party. Practiced singing while I cleaned in the Creation room and the World room. Good practice. I feel like the Lord is helping me to use my voice to get ready for Christmas solos and to sing in the Tabernacle Choir. Worked on Christmas Everyday A Storybook at my desk in the Temple. Elizabeth one of the cleaning ladies cried about being able to clean the Temple of the lord. Special thing for My wife: Played all her music boxes for her as she was to retire. "

Elizabeth was one of my fellow employees. She taught me a life long lesson. It is one I am still struggling with to master. She was a humble and kind person yet she told me she became angry like the rest of us. When she got angry she told herself asking of the Savior, " make me kind, make me loving, make me forgiving. " I have had many times when in the course of being persecuted for my being gay and my Mormon beliefs that I became in a sense, enraged but I heard her voice in all its gentleness speak those words. We never know what influence we might have on each other. Thank you Elizabeth. I wish I could have lived that principle of Christ's gospel as well as you did.

December 6, 1972 -" No sleep before cleaning the Temple. Up at 1:30 a.m. Mary and I plan to have a child as soon as possible. special thing for the day: Wrote a poem for my wife. "

Over and over Brother Kimball had counseled me to marry and have a family. I was listening and obeying a prophet's voice.

We had our Thank You Very Much party on December 16th in which I placed a sign on our front door, " This is the Temple of our Kingdom Bring Peace In." Due to the many traumas of my childhood I truly wanted this home to be a safe haven and peaceful place. I kept that sign. It is in one of my many scrapbooks.

January 9, 1973- " Cannot figure Tim McDonald's purpose in my life. Here he is with coke bottle glasses. Strolling through the Temple like a nymph through the woods. Gayer than laughter. In talking to him I realize he is homosexual. I feel uncomfortable one moment- like lets get away from this person. Then good the next moment- like I'm not alone. And he's here in the House of the Lord. Then I'm bearing my testimony that he should leave the homosexual life style. He's telling me a couple of men were sealed by another priesthood holder (illegally) in the Los Angeles Temple. Well I wasn't ready for that! "

I just had to accept Tim. He had a good heart. He was honest. He had found himself worthy enough to do Temple work so I just accepted him as being good enough for him. He was showing me what I would later want and need in my own future. It was purpose including Temple attendance and remaining active in the Church.

Tim was my greatest fear standing before me, my insecurity about my manhood. I learned to accept Tim for doing the best he could with who he was.

January 9, 1973 continued- " Wrote a letter to my sister. She may come into the Gospel. I know it would bring her happiness. She is the only one of all my many relatives who has believed what I was saying. Special thing for My wife: handkerchief with embroidered daffodils. "

I wrote a poem which went with the gift as follows:

January 16, 1973- " I don't understand my course in life. I feel like a deserted ship today, left to sail the seas alone. It is difficult to be approaching age thirty without a career which is spoken of in my patriarchal blessing. Special thing for my wife: Queen Anne's Lace Poem with a pressed flower of the same name. "

Sometime in the first few months of our marriage after our wedding, we consummated the marriage. It was not that my wife was repulsive to me in any way. It had nothing to do with my wife. I just was not capable of any passion. I loved my wife. I was thoughtfully her best friend but just friends.

This brings in the question were my children conceived in love. Yes! For me it was one of the most unselfish things I did. I felt the romance, the endearment, the caring and the love but not the passion. Actually when we did have sex approximately nine months before our first child was born we both seemed to know the moment when our child was conceived. All I can say is that we were both enraptured by the spirit and this was after the climaxes. The type of rapture we felt was spiritual for me not sexual.

My wife was my life. She was my constant loyal companion. We were a team. We gave to each other all that we could, all that we were capable. I've seldom found that kind of companionship since that time. I don't seem to think I am worthy of that much intimacy with a man otherwise I would have pursued that course more skillfully and with effective feelings of worthiness.

I believe one of the reasons gays and lesbians may not find a long time companionship, though many do, is the result of trying to be worthy rather than having a feeling of worth. One friend asked me why so few gays stay in the church, any church? If gays were treated with love they would be found serving the Lord. How do you love a gay person? With your heart.

A hundred picnics, a thousand loving visits to others, and even the beauty of new lives brought into the world did nothing to change the core of my personality. It seemed even having children would not change a homosexual into a heterosexual.

My wife and I shared many spiritual experiences within the Temple and outside. My testimony of the gospel was constantly being strengthened. The miracle of the birth of my children added to my respect for life. And Yes my dear children were created with love.