Delicate robot circuitry is susceptible to damage from the airborne particles given off by certain animal excreta. In specific I am talking about reindeer shit. As you can imagine this makes X-mas quite a difficult time for robots. Sometimes the effects are minor and we just get moody, sad, cranky, and eat a lot of chunky monkee. More severe reactions have included but are not limited to: murder, double murder, triple-murder, triple-murder-suicide, mass murder, and attempted genocide. To prevent contamination we must engage the highest settings on our filtration devices. To send the word that it is time to �crank it up, dudes� we began a process of information dissemination prior to the holidays. This �advertising� had to be carefully hidden so the humans did not know what was up, but it had to saturate the media enough for even the most remote loner-bot to know to turn up his filtration system. We settled on a concept known to you as �Super Holiday Blowout Spectacular� because of the way it applies to all robots at the holidays and the filtration system involves a blowing out of the trapped particles.
As the years have passed and the human population has risen so has the number of reindeer required to pull Santa�s sleigh on X-mas as he delivers toys to all the good christian kids. No longer is it just eight tiny reindeer, it has now become more like 85,000 big-ass reindeer. That means a more than 10,000 fold increase in robot damaging excretions on X-mas Eve. Toxicity levels of this magnitude (bigness) have the power to warp space and time. As a result this one-night of lethality creeps ever backward with each successful coupling of two christians into a family of lord-lovin�-consumers. This requires us robots to begin our publicity drive sooner and sooner every year. We now begin as Turkey Day ends, next year it starts after Halloween, and by 2005 robots will truly experience what you puny humans call �Christmas and the Fourth of July rolled into one!�
Robot justice is at times cruel, but it is always fair [remember this when we take over, you�ll see that we mean it [:-)] . When robots are judged by their compadres to have stepped beyond the bounds of robot dignity and into a realm we call �bad behavior� action is taken to punish that robot. One of our severest punishments is the modification of the filtration unit. This requires that a robot wear a mask over the air intake opennings at all times of the earth year, lest he go mad (and gas masks being inferior to filtration systems, they inevitably go a little nutso). This punishment is truly the most harsh that earth-bound robot-justice can mete out. It is resorted to only after the �hando-wee-bando� punishment wherein the criminals paw (what you call �hands�) is horribly mangled. As you know, robots are most proud of their paws. The end result of the hando-wee-bando is a robot who must always where one glove (only one paw is ever marked, we are not sickos). So next time you see some guy wearing a mask over his mouth and nose and just the one glove, go to him and say these words: �Can I have your autograph robot chiefie?!�
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Robot secrets revealed since 20 June 1999
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