We were reading through the latest Highlights (for children) in our spacious media room the other day when we chanced upon something rather spurious. Ranger Rick (making a guest appearance, like when Wesley Willis kicked Batman's ass) was telling us about the great circle of life and the food chain. What a load! Man, we may not be of this world or part of your puny earth food chain, but we know that raccoon was full of it. So with a great robotic yawlp we shouted to that bandit-faced rodent "Shove it!" Here then is what the most learned scientists in the freaking universe (our scientists) have determined your food chain to look like, or read like as the case may be.

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  At the bottom you have your small fishes. You at least managed to get that right.

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  Then of course you have your slightly larger Fish. Still doin' super, humans!

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  Now here's where your world and reality diverge. Instead of the slightly larger fish being subsumed by British chicks, or cartoon squirrels, or even by ever-so-slightly larger fish, they are infact eaten by penguins.

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  When nature takes its proper course these penguins are then "mau'ed" by surfers.

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  In due time these surfers are inevitably snarfed down by sharks, the gentle giants of the deep.

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  Although some sharks do find their way into the bellies of cars from Alabama that is not the usual course of events. In a pristine environment sharks are eaten by giant squids. Man we're talking some big squid.

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  The only natural enemy of the giant squid is of course that brassicaceous and violent sea-legume, the Blue Whale. In a painful, and not-unerotic process, the Blue Whale forces the helpless giant squid (paralysed by some sort of space ray) through its bayleen, which is the Blue Whale's fatal flaw...

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  The bayleen of Blue Whales is in turn harvested by Mainers who mercilessly kill the Blue Whales, devour what they can and make huts out of the rest, except for the bayleen which is used to make my credit cards.

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  But even the mighty Mainer is no match for the cunning and wiles of the wily state of Florida. If you've never seen a Mainer rent limb from limb by the state of Florida in rutting season, let me tell you, you're not missing much.

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  After sating itself on the sweet flesh of Mainers the state of Florida is especially vulnerable to dinosaur attack. And as any 6 zorb old can tell you, that's quite unfortunate for Florida!

The eggheads in the lab have determined -beyond a shadow of a doubt- that if you eat food you will die! Even the type of food devoured made no significant dent in the ultimate consequences. Robot Poindexters have studied the life process of the human and have noticed that among those who began eating in infancy and continued eating throughout childhood, adolescence, and consumerhood, there was a 100% mortality rate. Cyber-nerds reccomend to any human larvae thinking about eating, or someday taking up eating, that they should absolutely not do so! Not eating now, when you are still young, can prevent a lifetime of misery and failure punctuated by moments of extreme pain and discomfit. In the end, our geeks advise you to save yourself the trouble and just not eat.

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