It is my sincerest belief that in the equation of society, population is a variable while, unfortunately, gross intelligence is a constant. Look around you, the more people we produce, the lower the average intelligence level drops. This is basically due to the fact that those procreating the most are often the same ones who are pissing in the gene pool. What this world needs is a massive wave of carnage and atrocity to clean up the filth.

I was pondering this point the other day, and decided its time somebody gives something back to the world which has provided so much for them. Being the kind-hearted humanitarian I am, I chose to accept the task myself. So, in an effort to provide something with which to better humanity, I offer you this:

Reasons to Off Yourself

Suicide is such a fascinating phenomenon, here we have some poor, miserable pile of goat shit who desire's to be a martyr to their own sorrow. Most get right up to that final moment before their all too fragile psyche's cause them to rethink the decision. Perhaps if more people took their own life, we would have adequate resources for the rest of us. If you're at that final moment, and just happen to be reading this, here's a list of reason's why you should go ahead with it. That's okay, you don't have to thank me now, your rotting carcass will be gratitude enough.

(select those reasons applicable to your pathetic life)

• You're a jock.
• You were voted prom queen.
• Your clothes are 5 minutes out of style.
• Bad day at the salon.
• The health club revoked your membership.
• You're a cheerleader.
• You're parents think you're wonderful kid.
• You drive a car that costs more than the average house.
• You are an avid football fan.
• The word "homosexual" makes your reach for your gun.
• You come from New London, WI.
• You like living in New London, WI.
• You chipped a nail.
• You listen to top 40 music.
• You like the show friends.
• You cried the day NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK broke up and wandered in a haze until Hootie came along and gave new meaning to your life.
• You are a girl who giggles mindlessly.
• Your favourite colour is yellow or pink.
• You actually like the movie "Fantasia" (exception: you are allowed to like the scene with Satan and all the evil spirits).
• You own a copy of "Achey Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus.
• You speak with a southern drawl
• You want to be like the girls in "The Craft."
  That's all I have for now, but this list will be expanded. If you have any other reasons one should kill themselves, send them to me at: [email protected]

• Being different from the norm. (in areas such as sexual preference, race, lifestyle, opinions, etc.)
• Expressing yourself freely, ignoring the taboos of society.
• Not meeting society's imposed image of beauty.
• Not following the herd.
• et cetera, et cetera.