Kid and Caboodle: Musings of a "Split-Shift" Mom
By Peggy B. Hu
June 2006

June is a very significant month for my family. Not only does Father's Day fall in the middle of the month -- which is of importance to my husband, my father, my husband's father, and my husband's stepfather -- but my mother's birthday is on the 17th and my wedding anniversary is on the 11th.

Recently I read a column that talked about the role of grandparents in setting family values. The piece said that many of the sociological surveys that look at how family structure -- i.e. whether a child lives with one or two parents -- and work-family balance issues affect children's emotional development forget to take into account the influence of grandparents. In many cases, the grandparents are actually the primary caretakers for the children. Thus, whether a child lives with one or two parents, and whether or not those parents work outside the home, are not as significant factors as they otherwise might be because the children learn from their grandparents as readily as they do from their parents.

In my family's case, my mother has been as important an influence in my son's development as my husband and I have been. We often joke that my mother is my son's "third parent" and that on some days he actually prefers her to my husband and me! My mother speaks to our son primarily in Taiwanese and frequently feeds him home-cooked Chinese food. Both language and food, I believe, are powerful tools to teach my son about his cultural heritage on my side of the family. I can tell that my mother is having an influence on my son because he uses a number of Taiwanese words and loves to eat rice. Hopefully he will appreciate his heritage more and more as he grows older.

We are very lucky that my parents live so close to us and are willing to help out so much with childcare duties. My husband's parents -- his father, mother, and stepfather -- do not live as close by as mine do, so they don't see my son as frequently and therefore have less of a discernible influence on him. They do try to pay him visits every few months, though, and my son recognizes and trusts them all. We also make an effort to visit my husband's family at least twice a year, and of course they all come for his birthday every year.

I think my son would be happiest if all his grandparents lived in the same town as we do. That way he could see them all the time. For now, though, he will have to settle for cards, calls, and occasional visits.