Widows and
Orphans
By
ColdDarkMatter
Disclaimer:
The characters of Xena, Gabrielle, Ephiny, Solari and Epinon are copyright
� MCA, Universal Pictures and Renaissance Pictures. Use of these
characters in this fiction is not intended to infringe upon said copyright.
Content
Warning: Angst and the darker side of human nature. This
fanfic depicts violent rape and its aftermath.
For those 21 and under, you know the rules by now, so move along.
Does Xena really need Ares whispering in her ear about vengeance after
Solan�s death? I don�t think so. She doesn�t need
Ares help to be a monster.
Once Again:
What happens in this story is brutal and is not for everyone.
There are some who will hate me for writing this. But before Xena
amended her ways she was a ruthless and savage human being�driven
by lust and power. What could a person like this do when their
only child is killed because of a betrayal? What, indeed�
Note:
Sometimes evil must take a bow for its unyielding, retributive vengeance,
and does so ever so gracefully.
Spoiler
Warning: Maternal Instincts
Lyrics by:
Enigma, MCMXC a.D. � 1990 Virgin Records, Ltd. All rights
reserved.
Take me
back to the rivers of belief...
Demons.
There are those
who think that the pits of Hades spawn unspeakable creatures whose sole
purpose is to kill the spirit of humankind by piercing and ripping apart
their bodies and minds. Up they come, from the darkness and ignorancece that is the underworld, rising like
vomit from the earth. I've heard that they even spew from the recesses
of the human soul, but I have to think on that. They do not come
to persuade darkness, but are squalid and tenebrous themselves�promulgates
of an unyielding and interminable and most wretched desire.
Desire, they
say, is the mother of the evil, demure abominations. Their father?
Pick any name and it will fit, every unclean thought will do.
Any name can be given to those horrific powers that copulate with desire
to bring about mayhem and ruin. I've seen such demons, which, being
freed from dormant existence, come to abide in the most wretched of
us. The black features of those soulless creatures will always send
a shiver down my spine, causing my body to tremble.
The funeral
pyres rage into the night and there is wailing and the gnashing of teeth.
I am oblivious to it all�all except for her. Something terrible
is brewing inside of her; I know it because I can feel it. It
pours off of her in waves; it causes my heart to freeze inside me.
Take me
back to the rivers of belief, my friend...
I have my own
theory on those demons, of course. The demons are not spewed from
the underworld; they do not come like the dead unborn�lifeless, and
shriveled�into this world. They come from something far
too chilling to ruminate on. You see, demons are not born from
the realm of the gods, but from the arbitrariness that is the result
of the living of life, and the aftermath of such living. Thoughts
lead to actions, which, in turn, lead to events and ultimately to their
consequences.
It is an easy
formula to remember: This causes that.
Sometime, long
ago, when that first fist arose to strike that first victim an unbroken
chain of events, a dark flowering, was begun. It is unceasing
in its quest for stark reciprocity. It's hunger for blood is never quenched.
It is unmerciful to the poor and the wealthy. It devours widows
and orphans.
I look inside
my heart�
I was its victim
eight days ago. Actually, her victim. I had seen her demons
before, even at my expense, but never like that. They are truly
ugly and feed on brutality. I never liked it when she allowed
them to control her actions, and she tried so desperately in the past
to spare me from their lust. But betrayal can change a woman.
I know that. Change; hardly an adequate word for such a
horrifying transformation. It was betrayal that changed her.
My betrayal, and I paid for it in kind.
She wouldn�t
look at me as the bodies were prepared for the pyres. I implored
her with a longing look, but she ignored me. She was seething
and I could tell a rage was upon her.
Funny how detached
I feel from it all; Ephiny says it�s because of the trauma.
At this point I don't care, as long as I'm not feeling it. If
I allow myself to experience it I�ll slip into despondent insanity
and never return. That I cannot afford to do,
I have a nation to rule, lives to oversee�a heart to harden.
I look inside
my soul...
Yesterday I
was moved from our hospice to my private chambers. I remember
the Regent and the Healer having a heated discussion over if I was ready
for the move yet. Naturally, Ephiny was against it and then I
heard Aithra declare she would never suggest moving the Queen if it
would cause her undue pain. I remember looking at them and thinking
that they reminded me of the chorus in Sophokles latest play; as if
I were on stage observing their bantering without recourse of my own.
Finally Eponin, Solari and Eurydike entered the room and I immediately
felt better; I knew then that I would be going to my own rooms.
If I had to stay in the hospice one more day I know I would have seriously
hurt something, or someone. It was then, and only then, that I
felt something. Something so wretched that I turned my head and
vomited, I couldn�t help it. The feeling evoked a memory, and
the memory was so horrific that my body wanted to literally throw up
even itself.
I watched from
afar as Ephiny tried to talk to her. She pushed the Regent away
and stalked into the nearby trees. But before she was completely
gone she turned and I saw her eyes. That look should have caused
me to run, but at that
point I was still na�ve, not anymore.
The healer
cleaned up my mess and I turned to Ephiny and told her it was a good
idea to put me in my own rooms. The pained look on her face touched
my heart and a single tear fell from my eye. She was at my side
in an instant, leaning over me, speaking softly and delicately stroking
my face.
She wants to
find Xena and kill her; that I can�t allow. I would rather die,
which doesn�t seem like a bad thing right now.
So with the
Royal Guard in tow I was put on a litter and moved to my dwelling space.
The physical pain I was in must have been evident on my features because
Ephiny dismissed the Guard and the other Amazons and pulled a chaise
close to my bed. She looked at me and a silent communication passed
between us. The young woman divested herself of armor and weaponry
then dropped on the couch that she had so protectively brought over
next to her Queen's bed. She would sleep next to me, I realized.
She wasn't going to leave my side...she would always be there...she
would never hurt me...she was not like her.
I promise
you, I will return...
�I love you,
Xena." With those words I rubbed the tears from my eyes and
dragged by body to...
Where was I
to go? Poteidaia? No.
I turned once
again to look at her, but her face bore a masque of malevolent stone.
Something in that particular look frightened me beyond anything else
I've ever experienced. I slowly turned and headed into the forest
to rest and think about my future. Damn, all my possessions were in
Xena's saddlebags. I had no blanket or bedroll on which to recline
my aching body. As I was just about to enter into the thicker woods
I glanced around again and saw that the funeral pyres were still raging,
but everyone had gone, including Xena. My body became rigid as a wave
of fear overtook me. I know from years of traveling with her when
I'm being watched. But this was different, this time I was being
hunted and the simple thought of that caused the hairs on the back of
my neck to rise.
I don't why
I didn't run back to the village but instead I took off towards the
stream that circumvented the village. Little did I know how that
mistake would cost me. I don't know but maybe I thought that by
following the water it would throw my scent off and I would be okay.
Take me
back to the rivers of belief...
I passed through
the thicket of bushes; the stream was so close.
Then it happened.
The blow that
struck my jaw, causing a stream to blood, spun me around until I was
grabbed by the shoulders and roughly slammed against the nearest tree,
my head making contact with the thick bark. Through blurred vision
I saw them--those eyes--as black and fiery as coals. Then she
struck me in the stomach, which literally brought my last meal up and
all over her. Her eyes widened momentarily before returning to
flaming embers again. In one swift move she used her body to pin
me against tree, her breast dagger pressed against my throat, drawing
blood.
"Xena,
I..."
"SHUT
UP! YOU KILLED MY SON, YOU AMAZON BITCH!"
"What?"
"I said
shut up!" She struck me in the face again, with the back of her
left hand, whipping my head to the right.
My blood anointed
the bushes and plants. I had not known terror until that moment.
She pressed me harder against the tree and I knew my back was scratched
and bleeding as well.
Take me
back to the rivers of belief, my friend...
Her ragged
breaths scorched my throat as she brought up her left hand up to grab
my hair and yank my head back until it hurt. I knew what was coming
and I prayed that she would break my neck instead.
"Did you
think I'd let you get away with it? Is that what you thought?"
She growled.
"Xena,
please, don't do this." I was trembling.
"And why
not? My son never even got a chance to know his mother!"
She was grinning
at me now, the look of an alpha lion before it masticates the cubs of
its predecessor. "And you, protecting Hope when you knew she was
evil�s spawn? Ya know, I thought about killing ya...but then I realized
what good would that do? Make you a martyr to the Amazon Nation? No
Gabrielle, can't have that now can we? You can't suffer when your
dead, can you? A dead body can't feel pain!"
How do you
plead with a mother who has just lost her child? You can't appeal
to reason, or loyalty and friendship, or even love. She grabbed
the front of my top and savagely ripped it from my body, then threw
me down on the damp ground. I wanted to scream, but I also wanted
to live.
The pungent
smell of decaying leaves and grass overwhelmed my senses, the soft trickling
of the stream sounded like a raging river. Then she was on top
of me, panting with rage. She drank of the blood still oozing
from my mouth.
Without warning
she lifted slightly to slap my face again and again, screaming, "How
does it feel? How does it feel?"
I couldn't
hold back any longer, the sobs wrenched from my throat. She lowered
herself again and covered my mouth with her left hand. Her body
spasms with rage...and something else. With her knees she spread
my legs wide. Still pinning me in place with her weight, she reached
with her right hand between our bodies and ripped my undergarment off
and threw it into the river, with it went the last vestiges of my dignity.
She viciously thrust four of her fingers into me; her hand over my mouth stifled my screams of pain.
I look inside
my heart�
Her whole body
moved in rhythm as she raped me. She was sweating, when the drops
fell to my skin it felt like burning rain. Her left hand over my mouth
also helped her to keep my right arm pinned. But I could still
strike out with my other hand. I managed to get a punch to her
side, her rhythm momentarily broken. Her solution to my blow was simple
and effective. Before I knew it she withdrew her fingers from
me and unsheathed her sword. She shattered my free arm with a
blow from the hilt.
I look inside
my soul...
My stifled
screams were now mixed with the tears that freely ran from my eyes.
I do not remember how many times she raped me or what watch of the night
it was. Then I saw it; the rage, which burned in her eyes, changed,
and was joined with lust. Soon I began to feel it, dripping from
her sex only to smear on my upper thigh. She withdrew her fingers
and shifted her body slightly, spreading my legs even wider then moving
her pelvis roughly against my own. She now pinned both of my arms
by the wrist on either side of me. When she grabbed my broken
arm I cried out only to be rewarded with another blow to the face.
By now my left eye was swollen shut.
She pressed
her hardened clit against my own and began to thrust wildly against
me. I openly cried. She was taking her pleasure at my expense
and it humiliated me worse than her prior invasion into me. Her head
was thrown back, her hips thrusting in time to her grunting. She
reached the point of no return and climaxed, howling into the air like
a wolf.
Panting, she
looked into my eyes at that moment and for a brief second I thought
I saw Xena there, not the savage warlord, horrified at what she had
just done. But just as quickly as I saw it, it vanished.
She spat on me and lifted herself off my body, kicking me in my right thigh. I doubled
over in pain into the fetal position and covered my eyes with my arms, sobbing, still bleeding from my mouth and now my vagina. My whole body wracked, sobbing, I looked at her just as
she was wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
"Well,
how do you like that, Gabrielle?" She said my name with disdain.
"As the Romans say, quid pro quo, don't ya think?"
"I forgive
you, Xena." That simple statement made her furious, she lashed
out with a foot to my back. I yelped but refused to let it completely
break my spirit. She wickedly laughed and turned around, walking away
from me...
I don't know
how or who found me, but I awoke in the Healer's hut five days ago.
I turn my head and look at Ephiny, who by now is fast asleep just as
I should be. The medicinal herbs have done nothing to lessen the
pain between my legs--some places of the body should never have to be
stitched up. But my eye at least didn't hurt anymore. My soul
grieved not only for myself but also for her. My pain is multi-layered--for
me, the Nation, Ephiny, her--and I do not know where to take that pain.
I cannot throw it away because it is mine.
Sighing, I
think upon her life and realize just how tragic it all is. For
a woman of only thirty winters she has experienced a lifetime of betrayal
and ruination, maybe more than five lifetimes. Knowing her, as
I do, allows me to forgive her, at least for now in my mind. Someday
my soul, I hope, will do the same.
I'm reaching
out to you�
I intuitively
know I will see her again. After everything she did to destroy
me�body and soul�I still loved her. I pray that my love for her will eventually reach beyond time and space and touch her, bringing her back to the imperturbable and caring world we had so delicately created for one another.
Until we're
dead�
My eyelids
are closing and I must sleep. I will live one day at a time, slowly
putting the broken pieces of my shattered life back together.
I know I can't do it alone. For now I lean on my dear friend, Ephiny.
I will let her care for me because she is good for me, and I know she
wouldn't have it any other way. But when I look at her, feel her
soothing touch, my thoughts turn to another...
We'll rest
in peace,
On my rivers of belief...