Newscaster: In today�s top headlines, hysteria in New Zealand where a . . .

MILITANT LESBIAN GANG HOLDS XENA SET HOSTAGE

Auckland, New Zealand. Airport. A pack of radical lesbians belonging to a cult called "The Neomazons" descend from the plane. They are all wearing black T-shirts with images of Xena on them, as well as sporting Xena caps and Xena fanny packs, and other sorts of Xena merchandise. One of the women has a Xena doll hanging from her neck, she has pierced a hole through the skull and strung a leather lace through it which she's tied around her neck. Her name is Dom, and she is the leader.

The group heads toward the car rental office and climbs into a black van. There are a total of six women and they include, in order of rank, Dom, the leader, Boz, second in command, Hazel, Rabi, Stan, and Jennifer.

They drive to where XWP is being filmed on location, and park far enough away so no one can see them. Armed each with six handguns, two knives, and one shotgun, (don�t ask me how they got through airport security, the point is they did) they quickly dispose of the three security officers on set by slicing their throats. They tie the corpses to makeshift crosses and carry them to the set. Dom dispatches three women to contain the parameter, while the other two follow her dragging a blood soaked cross toward were the filming is going on.

Lucy and Renee are sitting in their personalized studio chairs going over the days script. The terrorists have chosen their day carefully and besides the two main actresses and the crew there are no extras to get in the way.

Dom storms onto the set.

D: This set is being taken hostage. Everyone, on your knees, now!

The cast and crew scramble and fall to the ground with shrieks at the sight of this crazed woman with a shot gun.

A gaffer tries to make a run for it. Hazel takes him down.

D: Girls, bring in the crosses.

Jennifer and Stan drag the crosses one by one to the middle of the set and hoist them up.

Rob Tapert pees his pants. Renee screams.

D: Shut up. I figured you all would be accustomed to the sight of a cross by now. What, does the real thing scare ya? This is just to show you that we mean business. The Neomazons are taking over this set and so long as everyone cooperates and does what we say nobody else has to get hurt.

The director hunkers down and pulls out his cell phone. Dom spots him immediately and blows him and the phone away.

Lucy begins to whimper.

D: Alright, see, that's what I mean. I demand full cooperation. Now, everyone cough up the communications equipment right now. Hazel and Boz, raid the trailers and equipment vans, bring everyone out and destroy all phones and radios.

Boz: Yes, sir.

D: The Neomazons have put together a little script here which we intend to have shot. What I need is a cast and crew that's willing to work with me. Do I have your commitment to this project or not? (cupping her ear) What's that, I can't hear you.

Everyone: Yes, ma�am.

D: Good. Now I'm going to distribute a copy to all of you and we're going to do a quick read through. Stan give everyone a copy.

Stan distributes the script and everyone begins to flip through it, all two pages of it.

D: I'll be the narrator. Opening shot. Xena and Gabrielle are sitting in front of a campfire. Xena turns to Gabrielle. . . Xena turns to Gabrielle!

Lucy clears her throat.

L: Uh, Gabrielle, everytime I look at you my loins burn with a hunger I can't explain. I need to satisfy this craving, now.

R: Oh, Xena, I've been waiting so long to hear those words. Please, take me right now.

D: Xena and Gabrielle proceed to have hot passionate sex. Okay, I think everyone's got the gist of it. Let's set up for the shot.

Rabi: Who wrote that? That totally sucks.

D: I wrote it. Do you have a problem with it?

R: Yeah, I do. What happened to the script I wrote?

D: Everyone hated your script. Mine is better so that's what were filming, got it.

R: I'm not going to be a part of some shitty production. If we can't do better than that there's no reason for us to be here.

One of the make-up crew tries to take advantage of the situation and begins to quietly crawl away.

Dom sees her and blows her foot off. The hostages cry out and continue whimpering.

D: Shut up!

It quiets down.

Lucy raises her hand.

D: What is it?!

L: Please don't shoot me. It's just that, I think if you want us to, I mean we've been playing these roles for a long time, I think we could ad lib something for you that you'd like.

Renee glares at her from under her chair.

Lucy: (to Renee, under her breath) Well, we have to do something to calm them down.

D: Hmmm, yeah, maybe that could work. What do you have in mind.

L: Why not pick up where another scene has left off. Like the scene where Xena and Gabrielle are reunited after Gabrielle fell down the hole in "A Family Affair", they hug and touch each other only this time they could just keep going.

Rob: But what's the motivation?

L: They haven't seen each other in a long time.

Rob: Well, in that case I think the conclusion of "Blind Faith" would be a better starting point.

Renee: What, blind faith sucked, nobody liked blind faith.

Gaffer: I liked it.

Renee: I have a better idea. Xena and Gabrielle are great, but you know they're only fictional characters. What would really be hot is if you filmed your movie like some kind of backstage hidden video. We could plant the camera in my trailer and then have me and Lucy do some kind of realvideo sex scene. You know, like all along we've been having this really torrid affair behind the scenes. And her marriage to Rob is just a studio arranged thing, a decoy, you know what I mean.

D: Ooo, I like that. (to Rob) You should give her more credit, asshole.

L: Hey, why does it have to be your trailer? My trailer is twice the size. Are you implying that I'm so desperate that I would go knocking at your little pissy trailer.

R: Well, it is more believable. You�re the butch, I'm the fem. That's the way it is, get used to it.

L: God dammit.

D: Alright, then. Renee's trailer. Let's get it set up. Go!

After an hour or so they've finally got it set up. The shoot begins.

D: Lights, camera, action!

ROLL TITLE CREDITS

"Sex Scandal: Behind the Scenes at XWP"

[The entire story is pieced together from several black and white hidden video cameras. Obscure angles and grainy images abound.]

Xena and Gabrielle embrace.

X: No matter what, we'll always be together. You're my family, and my friend.

Tears well up in Gabrielle's eyes as she stares blankly into the distance.

Xena kisses her head.

Sad funeral pyre music begins to play.

Rob: Cut. That's a wrap.

Crewmember: What a day. I'm beat.

Cut to trainer's tent.

Renee is practicing with her staff, then moves on to numchucks.

Her trainer walks by.

R: Where's my ab roller?

Trainer: Over by your thigh master.

Renee starts doing her ab workout.

Most of the crew is packing up and getting ready to go home. Lucy enters still in costume but wearing a t-shirt over her leathers and a pair of sandals. She's drinking a bottle of evian and sits down on the other side of the bench holding Renee's legs as she does her stomach crunches.

L: You haven't been over in awhile.

R: How can I with Rob always hanging around.

L: He'll leave if I tell him to.

R: I'm sorry, Lu, I've just been so tired lately. These sixteen hour days are really getting to me.

L: Well, it would help if you stopped working out for one minute.

R: I can't let the public down. These abs are Gabrielle's trademark, if I let them go we could lose half our fan base. It's in my contract.

L: I know but it's all stunt-double work tomorrow so you can sleep in. Can I come see you tonight?

R: (pausing) Give me a couple hours.

Cut to: Outside Renee's trailer. Night, the light outside the trailer door is on. Lucy walks up and knocks on her door. The door opens slightly. Lucy takes a glance around to make sure no one is looking. A hand pulls her inside.

L: Have you been waiting?

R: Of course. What took you so long?

They embrace and Renee nuzzles her head against Lucy�s neck.

L: I'm sorry there was this interview, and then Rob wanted to go over this script, and, and, and . . .

R: Why do you have to spend so much time with him, are you really fooling anyone?

L: (sigh) You know it's not my choice. If the media ever found out about us . . . that would be it, they'd cancel us in a heartbeat.

R: You really think it would be that bad.

They sit down on Renee's bed, and Renee rests her head on Lucy's lap, Lucy strokes her hair.

L: I don't know but I don't want to find out.

R: Next thing you know they'll be setting me up with a producer.

L: Actually I think they're talking about it.

R: What?!

L: (placing a finger over her mouth) Let's not waste time talking. It's been too long.

Lucy leans down and engages her co-star in a long passionate tongue kiss. Then begins to unbotton her blouse. She pulls the shirtless Renee up and wraps the smaller woman's legs around her waist, then reaches around her and unhooks her bra. Immediately she drops her face between the full round breasts, then grabs a breast with each hand and presses them against her muzzle.

Knock! Knock! Someone is at the door.

Renee sighs and throws on a robe, then opens the door just wide enough to stick her head out. It's Rob.

Rob: Hey, Renee, is Lucy in there. I can't find her, I've got to go over these dailies with her.

R: Sorry, I haven't seen her.

Rob: Are you lying to me?

R: (opening the door wider) Search yourself.

Rob steps in and sees Lucy sprawled out naked on Renee's bed. Her knees in the air and her sex totally exposed.

Rob gulps.

R: Sorry.

He leaves running.

Renee is delightfully surprised by the invitation on her bed. She quickly finishes undressing herself and takes her place on top of Lucy.

R: You always know how to handle these things so tactfully.

L: Did you see the way he took off.

They giggle and then begin kissing. Lucy flips Renee over and assumes her usual postion.

L: Hmm . . . that�s better.

A pillow is pushed up as they roll around on the bed which obscures the "hidden" camera's view.

Blurred image, only the sounds of heavy breathing, moaning, and wet cunts being fucked.

FADE OUT

Dom: Alright, wrap it up and hand over the tape. We've got to be on the set of "Friends" in 24 hours.

The Neomazons pack up and head out.

Later that night after the police and coroner have arrived and statements are taken:

Renee is leaning against the back of her trailer smoking a cigarette.

Lucy walks by, Renee pulls her over.

R: Do you think anyone suspects anything?

L: Nah, it'll be all over the news tomorrow, no one will believe the video. It's a brilliant decoy, I have to hand it to you.

R: Shut up and kiss me.

THE END