By Bad Bard Being a Bard Ain't that Bad....

WARNING/DISCLAIMER:


This is a steamy little exploration which you definitely should read, unless of course you don't like steamy little explorations ... Gabrielle. Xena, lolaus, Hercules, Argo and Joxer are all the property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures and are not used here for monetary gain. Woe is me. This story is written in typical Warlord/Slave genre so be warned, beware, u can read behind locked doors. Naturally, as in all good Warlord/Slave stories, Gabby and Xena are a little whore than friends. I mean, a little more. They are lovers. They are engaged in a relationship and all that entails. They are xex-crazed wheasles. They are obssessive - as are we all. As for iolaus and his demi-god, Hercules, there's a bit of doubtful innuendo (read into it what u will) going on between them but nothing graphic and they are also both *verrry* attracted to our fave female duo, as would anybody who breathes be. Why is Joxer the Unsightly in this story? That question keeps me up at night. I don't know. I tried to keep him out, but as usual (like in the eps) he turns up when least wanted and remains blissfully unaware of subtexty situations. Finally, no lasting damage was done to a certain bard, who (as you'll remember from those abs of steel in TQIM) is amazingly resilient. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I have to go fan myself ...


ONE LAST WARNING:


Upon reading this again I have noticed that Hercules seems to be competing with Joxer for the dense award. And no I don't mean ratio of muscle to weight. I swear this isn't meant to be funny. *EG* But if you find parts of it that way despite this, I plead misplaced humour!

********

"I can't wait to see her again," admitted the tall muscular hunk to the short muscular hunk.

"I know, I know," muttered Iolaus sulkily. Not surprisingly, after the twenty-third version of the same statement, he was sick of Hercules' eager little-boy enthusiasm.

"What's so great about Xena anyway?" he griped. Then he saw her. Just cresting the hill on her magnificent palomino war-horse, the former warlord's inky hair whipped around her sharply angled face in a fury. Her icy blue eyes shone out like beacons, even over the distance between them, taking both mens' breath away.

"Oh," gasped Iolaus weakly. "I remember. That's what's so great about Xena..."

As the Warrior Princess galloped Argo closer to the gaping pair, they gradually became aware that she wasn't alone. Gabrielle was along for the ride. As Xena pulled Argo to a halt beside the demi-god in an impressive cloud of dust, Hercules stared at the bard in confusion. Gabrielle was draped face-down over the saddle in front of Xena. She tilted her golden head up at him and turned beet-red.

"Uh, hi, Hercules. Nice day, huh?"

Hercules mused that she was rather inarticulate to be a bard by profession. "Hello, Gabrielle," he rumbled. He looked up, about to greet Xena. She was resting her hand possessively on Gabrielle's butt. Hercules blushed and looked away. Not being as mannerly as the demi-god, lolaus took the opportunity to stare.

"Hey, Xena, Hercules! lolaus! It's me! Joxer the Mighty! Where's Gabby?"

Xena and Hercules groaned simultaneously as Joxer crested the hill and stumbled over to join them. It took him several seconds to notice the now feebly struggling bard. who was making a half-hearted attempt to sit up. Just as it appeared she might be successful, Xena planted a hand between her shoulder blades and pushed her back down firmly.

"Oh no you don't," she chuckled. "I haven't finished with you yet."

Iolaus' eyebrows arched up into his blonde curls.

Hercules coughed in extreme embarassment. Although he'd heard the many rumours surrounding the warrior and her bard, he hadn't given any of them credence or a second thought. Until now.

A goofy grin split Joxer's face as he spotted the writhing object of his affections and he ran over to stand at Argo's head.

Seconds later his grin disappeared.
"Are you hurt, Gabby?"

"She's fine," Xena answered impatiently.

"Yes," Gabrielle hurriedly added before the warrior could lose her legendary temper. "I'm doing research for a new story." Xena's eyes lit up and the three men backed away involuntarily.

"Yes. Research for a story about a poor little slave girl. It's gonna be an epic - could take weeks to write!" "It could?" came the indignant squeak from over Argo's withers.

Xena easily pushed the golden head back down.

"That's right," she confirmed with an evil chortle. "I'm helping. I'm playing the part of the wicked warlord - isn't that right, slave?" She punctuated this with a resounding slap to the bard's proffered rump.

lolaus began to choke.

Hercules closely examined his perfect nails.

Joxer nodded wisely.

***

"What do y'mean, twenty dinars to stable my horse?" yelled Xena at the trembling innkeeper. She was in full warlord mode. Hercules and Joxer cowered off to one side. lolaus cautiously approached Gabrielle's prone form which was still draped over Xena's saddle.

"Aren't you uncomfortable?" he whispered. He had always shared a special closeness with the bard, that came of them both being often unappreciated sidekicks. He even harboured a secret attraction for her. Apparently, it would now be useless to act on it.

"Sure," Gabrielle responded, peering at him through golden-red bangs. "But Xena might get mad if I move."

Iolaus couldn't stop an arching brow. His eyebrows were getting quite a workout. "And that's such a bad thing?" he hazarded.

Gabrielle's forehead wrinkled than cleared.

"Oh, I see what you mean!" She giggled and wiggled off Argo's back.

"You do?" wondered the little blonde man as he caught her compact weight and lowered her to her booted feet.

"Hands off!" ordered an irrate warlord voice. Iolaus jumped and backed away quickly. Xena advanced an the suddenly nervous bard.

"How dare you defy me? When I give you an order, I expect you to follow it exactly!"

Fearing the warrior was about to do something she'd regret, Hercules stepped forward. "Calm down, Xena," he said in his most reasonable voice.

The Warrior Princess favoured him with a dangerously sweet smile. "Are you presuming to tell me how to treat my personal slave?" she purred.

Hercules turned white and quickly turned to Iolaus. "Wanna go and see what they're serving inside?" he suggested, already halfway towards the inn.

***

When Xena and Gabrielle finally entered the inn, Hercules noted that there was something different about them. It was only when the bard slithered onto the bench beside him at Xena's gesture that he realised her hands were manacled together.

He looked at Xena, horrified. She stared cooly back at him until he dropped his pale blue eyes to the ground. Only then did he see the short length of chain between Gabrielle's boots. Xena waved the inkeeper over and he rushed to serve them, clearly terrified of the ex-warlord. Hercules noticed that Gabrielle made sure to hide her bound wrists under the table as the food came. This did her no good when Xena ordered regally,

"Serve me, slave. Come. kneel over here." Blushing crimson again, Gabrielle shook her head mutely.

"I thought we'd covered this already," growled the warrior. " Either you obey my every wish immediately, or I take measures to make sure you do." Her gauntleded arms reached across the table, grabbed Gabrielle's restraints and yanked the bard to her feet. "Got that?" Xena snapped. Gabrielle shook her golden head defiantly. In answer, the warlord pulled her all the way across the table, sending food and drink flying in all directions. Then, in front of a roomful of riveted patrons, she pulled the bound bard onto her lap and proceeded to spank her. Iolaus couldn't suppress a grin at Gabrielle's frantically bucking hips. Joxer simply looked impressed.

"This is good research," he mumbled around a drumstick.

Hercules was like the rest of the room, he couldn't tear his eyes away.

When Xena had finished. she pushed Gabrielle down onto her knees and pulled her face up by a handy golden lock of hair. "I'm hungry," she purred meaningfully. Gabrielle shivered and made haste to offer up a newly arrived plate of delicacys to the warrior.

"No," explained Xena. "I want you to feed me piece by pieces With some difficulty the bard proceeded to scoop up a wing of chicken with her bound hands. Xena captured the offering in her sharp white teeth, making sure to run her tongue up and down the bard's fingers. Gabrielle's eyes flickered and she moaned softly.

***

As the evening wore on, Xena shifted Gabrielle around until the bard knelt between her legs, still carefully feeding the warrior every morsel of food on the plate. Iolaus noted with envy where Gabrielle's hungry gaze frequently returned. He even caught her inhaling deeply afew times. He was sure the warrior noticed too. Finally, Xena was finished. She placed a filled plate of food onto her lap and told Gabrielle to eat up.

"Without your hands," she added when the bard made to stuff some meat into her own mouth. For a moment it appeared Gabrielle might rebel but her hunger overcame her and she bent her head down onto the plate nestled between Xena's muscular thighs. The symbolism wasn't wasted on lolaus. Hercules had spent the evening staring at the bard and he didn't stop now. Xena simply leaned back and watched the golden head moving below with a satisfied smirk. When the bard finished the warrior tilted her chin up and held a goblet of wine to Gabrielle's parted lips. After her bard had downed her full, Xena just as carefully used a dampened cloth to wipe the remnants of the bard's meal from her face. The tenderness involved in the gestures brought a sappy smile to Hercules' chiseled face. lolaus glanced his way, caught the expression and rolled his eyes. Joxer was occupied with trying to remove his suddenly too small helmet.

Hercules lost his sappy smile when moments later, Xena jerked the bard roughly to her feet, pulled her bound arms over her golden head and fastened them securely to a roof-beam. Gabrielle was left swaying on tiptoe in the centre of the inn, utterly at the warrior's mercy. Xena approached her helpless prey with a spear hefted in her capable hands. Iolaus felt a cry spring to his throat but choked it back when he saw that the spear's tip was blunted. Xena fitted the spear tip in Gabrielle's exposed belly-button and shoved gently. The bard swung backwards and forwards, unable to stop her suspended body. With a feral grin Xena circled the bard, coming to a stop behind her.

Gabrielle twisted and turned but was unable to see her adversary. Fitting the spear in the small of the bard's back, Xena pushed down hard and ran it between Gabrielle's butt-cheeks until her tan skirt was embedded firmly in the fissure. Then the Warrior Princess paused to study the rounded curve of Gabrielle's covered bottom. So did the rest of the inn's patrons.

"Verrry nice," she assessed, causing her victim to tremble uncontrollably. Moving to stand in front of the bard once more, Xena planted the spear tip against where Gabrielle's nipple met her rough shirt material. Arching into the spear, the bard moaned throatily. lolaus felt his mouth go dry. Xena repeated the torture with the other nipple then began to alternate between the two, pushing slightly harder each time. Gabrielle began to sway again, cringing away from the insistent spear tip, even as she pushed into it. Xena finally abandoned her plaything and crossed to the bar, ordering some chilled wine loudly.

Without understanding why, Hercules felt his heart start beating triple-time. As he watched entranced, Xena poured the casket liberally over the spear-head, heedless of the mess she was making. A panting Gabrielle eyed Xena with apprehension as she approached. With shocking suddeness, the warrior brought the flat of the icy-cold and dripping spear-head up between the bards legs and pressed it hard against Gabrielle's throbbing sex. The bard let out a shriek and writhed helplessly against the constant pressure.

"Thought you might need cooling down a bit," smirked the warrior nastily. Meanwhile lolaus had noticed that the spear had hiked the bard's skirt up quite a bit and was busy edging closer to get a better look.

Before he clearly understood what had happened Xena had reached out and grabbed him by one shoulder. The smirking ex-warlord pulled him over to stand in front of the sweating bard.

"Looks like you have an admirerer, slave," growled the warrior.

"Let's see if you respond to his touch like you do to mine..."

" Xena, no," gasped lolaus, putting his hands up and backing away.

The warrior yanked him back ignoring his feeble protests. She opened a small pouch fastened around her waist and removed two small glittering golden objects. Iolaus stared at the heavy clips in fascination.

Hercules stared at lolaus in fascination.

Joxer stroked his helmet lovingly.

"Put them on her," ordered the warrior, her fierce tone brooking no argument. lolaus just stared at Xena aghast. In a clearly condescending tone Xena took it upon herself to explain further. "Undo them and fasten them to her breasts," she said, nodding at a now frantic Gabrielle.

Iolaus felt himself torn by conflicting emotions of desire and propriety. He advanced on the wide-eyed bard, than paused, staring at her green top. Xena came to his aid. Removing her sword with a metalic swish, she fitted it down Gabrielle's cleavage and cut the laces with one smooth swipe. The tight top sprang open, revealing a pair of perfectly rounded mounds, nipples entirely errect.

"Ooooh," growled Xena in a menacing voice, "look how eager my slave is to feel your touch!" Iolaus glanced back into icy blue eyes nerveously. Then he reached forward and hesitantly, clumsily, fumbled a heavy gold clip open and fitted it over Gabrielle's quivering right nipple. It clamped down tightly and the bard tilted her head back and let out a choked scream. Xena stepped forward, gathered up the small chain attached to the clip and tugged none too gently, eliciting another sharp cry of pleasure mingled with pain. Somewhat encouraged, lolaus repeated the process on the left nipple, this time with more confidence. He even dared to pull the left clip's chain himself. Gabrielle writhed and moaned beneath his eager hand.

With a snarl Xena pushed him roughly away and slid around behind her shaking bard. Fitting her large hands over Gabrielle's aching nipples and squeezing firmly she ignored the bard's tiny whimpers and asked, "So, slave. Did you enjoy his touch?" She punctuated her question with a fierce tug on the chain attached to one of Gabrielle's nipples.

"Uh, yesss, yes I liked it, Xena..." The warrior's lips twisted into an infuriated sneer. lolaus backed away hurriedly, all the way back to their table and Hercules' comfortingly solid presence.

"You told me to do it!" he protested as Xena left the bard to advance threateningly on him. Xena grabbed him by his purple patch-work vest and yanked him right off his feet. In an instant Hercules was on his feet too, towering over even the statuesque Warrior Princess.

"Xena! Don't hurt him!" begged Gabrielle anxiously. The warrior paused. She glanced from a suspended bard to a doubtful demi-god and finally dropped lolaus onto his butt but not before wrenching his purple vest right off. Considering what else the powerful warrior could have ripped off, lolaus contented himself with crawling back onto the bench.

"So you like his touch, do you?" muttered the warrior, as she shoved Iolaus' purple vest forcibly into Gabrielle's mouth. "You really shouldn't have said that ... " Using a small length of rope from her pouch, Xena secured the gag, then stepped back to glare at the now silent bard.

Gabrielle simply stared back at her, mouth not completely closed but completely filled, a thin line of drool snaking out one corner. Unwinding her whip from around her waist, Xena flicked out its length almost lovingly.

Gabrielle's pupils dilated and she began twisting furiously, using her well-developed stomach muscles to try and propel herself out of the whip's path. Her attempts were futile. With a ringing laugh Xena cracked her whip forward expertly. Its leather tongue licked down Gabrielle's exposed cleavage. leaving a slight red whelt in its wake. The bard screamed against the gag but only a slight cry was audible through the bunched material. Xena repeated the process many times over, leading the whip's tongue carefully around each breast, down over Gabrielle's tensed abdomen, up her inner thighs, across her back and finally over each buttox repeatedly.

***

Finally Gabrielle hung limply from the roofbeam, head resting heavily on her naked chest. Throwing her whip aside and grabbing a new casket of wine, Xena crossed to her spent bard and began to carefully pour wine over each welt. This prompted a new bout of writhing and moaning from her 'slave.'

"I'm sorry, Gabrielle." she whispered as she poured wine down the bard's cleavage before bending her dark head to lick up any stray drops. "But I don't want any of these to get infected." Gabrielle offered her up a small smile and lifted her head bravely. This prompted Xena to toss her casket back to the hypnotised barkeep and gather up her spear again. "Come here," she ordered in her best Warrior Princess voice. Hercules and Iolaus who were the ones being addressed, stumbled quickly to their feet and over to the warrior. Xena positioned a sweating Hercules in front of Gabrielle and Iolaus behind.

She put the spear into Hercules large leathery hands and told him, "pass it to lolaus." The demi-god stepped to the side and began to do so but Xena shoved him back into place and repeated her instruction. "Pass it to lolaus, through Gabrielle's legs." Biting his tongue in concentration, Hercules did so. When each man held one end of the spear's shaft, Xena made an abrupt lifting gesture with both hands. "Lift it up - hard!" At her harsh tone. Hercules and his sidekick hurried to obey. They lifted the staff up quickly together, catching Gabrielle quite firmly at the apex of her legs and actually pulling her up and off the ground. The constriction of the bard's throat muscles as she bit down on her gag was the only indication that she felt anything. "Down!" ordered the Warrior Princess. Gabrielle hung on her arms and appeared to be moaning. "Up!" barked Xena and her bard's eyes rolled up and scanned the ceiling as the hard wood rubbed against her centre. They repeated this process until Xena called a halt.

Hercules withdrew the spear carefully, blushing when he noticed the shaft was soaked with Gabrielle's passion.

Flicking her whip around Gabrielle's neck and pulling tight, the warrior pulled her prize towards her by the leather collar With her breast daggar the Warrior Princess carefully cut the rope holding lolaus' shirt in Gabrielle's mouth and watched in amusement as the bard spit it out in relief.

"So tell me, slave," she purred. "Did you like his touch?"

"Yes," gasped Gabrielle. Xena's icy blue eyes narrowed. "But nowhere near as much as yours, Xena." The warrior's expression cleared, much to Iolaus' relief.

"Good," she husked. Without further ado she used her chakram to sever the rope binding Gabrielle's manacled wrists over her head and caught the bard as she fell bonelessly into the warrior's arms. Hefting the bard over her shoulder she bounded up the inn's steps without looking back, leaving all of the inn's patrons very frustrated.

Except Joxer.

Hercules looked at lolaus questioningly but the short man's attention was still on the stairs. So without further ado, the demi-god picked Iolaus up and flung him over one broad shoulder, before bounding up the stairs to their room...

***

Throwing the bard onto the bed so she landed face-down, Xena hastily pulled her own clothes from her body before springing to straddle Gabrielle's hips, just as the bard attempted to sit up. "Oh no you don't!" she laughed, thrusting three fingers into Gabrielle's soaked opening without warning. Gabrielle screamed and bucked uncontrollably. The warrior grinned and withdrew, grabbing her bard by her bound wrists and fastening her to a iron ring in the bed-head. Too excited to bother looking for the key, the warrior simply used brute strength to tear apart the links binding Gabrielle's boots together. The boots came off. one after the other, than the final barrier - the bard's skirt.

Gabrielle now lay stretched out on her back, gazing up at Xena's naked form with such open appreciation that the hairs on the back of the warrior's neck stood up. Noting Gabrielle licking her lips, Xena reached over and snagged a wineskin off the bedside table. Taking a healthy swig she than offered some to the thirsty bard. Cradling Gabrielle's golden head in one hand. she carefully poured the warm liquid down her bard's throat. Gabrielle's thirst seemed unquenchable. Xena finally gently pulled the skin away and knelt over her bard's body, watching mesmerised as she licked her rosy lips. Unable and extremely unwilling to stop herself, the warrior leaned down and covered those lips in a searing kiss.

Battling Xena's eager tongue with her own well-excercised muscle,Gabrielle briefly and foggily wondered why she always had to be the slave...

Eventually needing more, Xena unhooked Gabrielle's wrists from the bed-head. The bard eagerly started to caress Xena's nearby breasts, seemingly not hindered at all by the chain still binding her hands together. With a hastily smothered groan, Xena caught those busy hands and pulled the bard up into a kneeling position. Turning her so she faced the wall, Xena stood on the bed and guided Gabrielle's manacled wrists up to a much higher ring. The bard was now on her knees, torso and arms stretched full length so that her breasts and belly swept against the wall. Xena knelt behind her and began to play with the clips adorning the bard's errect nipples, opening and closing them with a snap, tugging on the chains. Gabrielle moaned and pressed back into the warrior's surprisingly soft form.

Spreading Gabrielle's knees wide, Xena lay down and positioned her face under Gabrielle's centre. Reaching up and gathering the end of the whip which was still wrapped firmly around Gabriele's neck, Xena pulled her bard's head down so she was forced to watch the warrior watching her. Gabrielle moaned at the tantalising sight of Xena opening her mouth and catching a stray drop of the bard's desire which dripped down between her folds.

"Oh, Xena," she murmured, her voice soft and pleading. "Take me now. I need you. I want you. Now!" Her voice took an a commanding edge. Arching an eyebrow in surprise, the warrior hurried to comply. Raising her head she licked her way down Gabrielle's sopping golden triangle.

The bard began to buck frantically. Xena wrapped her arms around Gabrielle's muscular thighs and held on as she descended down to part the bard's ambrosia-slicked folds with her tongue. Then she started to plunge her tongue into Gabrielle's centre, holding an for dear life as the bard went crazy above her. Finding Gabrielle's sensitive nub, she bit down gently, rolling it between her teeth. That was all it took.

Gabrielle fell over the edge into the wonders of the universe, screaming Xena's name with all of her powerful bardic lungs. The warrior simply used her powerful biceps to hang on so she could lap up all of Gabrielle's delicious essence. Finally Gabrielle was still, hanging limply above the lapping warrior. Xena pulled herself up, licking her lips contentedly and carefully unhooked her precious bard. Laying the bard down on her back, Xena sat up to look for the key to Gabrielle's chains. With a soft mewl, the bard reached up and hooked her wrists around Xena's neck, effectively pulling her back down.

Curling around her warrior with a happy little purr, Gabrielle closed her eyes and drifted off into dreamland. Not one to resist an open invitation, Xena, who had already climaxed several times during the night, gave a satisfied grunt and relaxed in her bard's possessive arms.

Just before she drifted off she wondered who was really in charge in their partnership...

***

Hercules and lolaus stood outside the stables, waiting for Xena to emerge with Argo. Joxer was nowhere to be seen but nobody was particularly eager to mention this, least he take it upon himself to appear.

"Are they or aren't they?" whispered Hercules to lolaus.

"Are we or aren't we?" whispered back Iolaus. The demi-god shut up.

Just as Xena arrived on the scene, Gabrielle cheerfully bounced out of the inn, chomping down the end of a loaf of nutbread. Xena too, seemed to be in excellent spirits. There was a spring in her step and she was actually whistling her theme music.

lolaus arched his sore eyebrows.

Hercules wondered exactly what means of persuasion the little bard used to keep Xena on the right path.

Xena caught Gabrielle around the midriff, swung her around three times while she laughed and shrieked than draped her uncerimoniously, face-down over Argo's withers. At lolaus' permanently raised brow Gabrielle sheepishly explained, "More research." Predictably, Hercules blushed. Xena's answering smile held all the glory of the rising sun. "I'd say you two should do some research of your own. It's so important to decide who gets to play which role..."

She sniggered and cantered her war-horse away. Almost immediately, Hercules, Iolaus and Gabrielle all wondered why they never got to be the warlord...



The End



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