| (The following is an excerpt from Milnes's autobiography, American Aria, describing the vocal problems he experienced in the early 1980s.) From chapter 13, �A Decade of Panic� Every time I opened my mouth I was scared. Would the regular Sherrill Milnes voice function normally for ten minutes, twenty minutes� could I even sing at all? � Even with singing half-voice, my voice would fatigue. �I was sweating terribly during rehearsals, sweating terribly during the performances, just wondering what was going to happen next. It was very difficult to keep making excuses and to pretend that I was more or less normal during all these engagements. During this time, Luciano [Pavarotti] and Jan Peerce called me on the phone, asking if there was anything they could do to help and offering advice from their throat doctors. �Other colleagues and teachers were telling me it was my technique� but how could that be? The vocal principles by which I operated I learned from Andrew White and Hermanus Baer, as well as the many other coaches and conductors with whom I had worked. I�d been vocalizing and performing the same way for over twenty years with no problems, so I couldn�t believe it was my technique� In the fall of 1981 I was scheduled for a new production of Simon Boccanegra at Covent Garden in London. My hoarseness had now been going on for seven or eight months. I couldn�t even get through the Boccanegra part practicing at home. I went to London anyway to start rehearsals, and I called to see my London throat doctor, Norman Punt, but he was on holiday. I was desperate, but I remembered the name of another well-known but somewhat eccentric throat man, the Hungarian-born and Viennese-trained Dr. Alexander, [and made an appointment]. �I sang, he looked; I sang, he looked. After almost a half an hour of this phonating and examination, [Dr. Alexander] finally sat down and told me that�his best guess was that I had broken a capillary in one vocal cord. �He said that it had happened on the *underside* of the right cord, which was why no one had seen it, and that it was halfway between the center of the cord and the hinge. He also told me that broken capillaries in the throat are far more common among singers than is generally known. They can be serious (as this was one for me), or less serious, depending on where the leak is� I sang the upcoming performances of Simon Boccanegra as well as I could, and certainly in a better frame of mind, but the problem definitely was not solved� The doctors had mentioned laser surgery, but only in passing, because it was chancy. No guarantees. There was a well-known doctor in Boston at the time, a pioneer in this laser surgery technique: Dr. Stuart Strong. So I went to get his advice and he agreed that�we had to do something. Laser surgery was the only possibility, and it was scheduled immediately. I went into Massachusetts General Hospital in January 1982 under a pseudonym; it would be devastating if word got out that I had had a throat operation. It was very frightening�I had no idea what the outcome might be�but at the same time, I was at least doing something, and there was a possibility of getting better. By that time, I was almost afraid to open my mouth. A week after the operation, I started vocalizing little by little, going frequently to both Dr. Reckford and Dr. Gould. They thought the surgery had taken and they couldn�t see any abnormal swelling. I had a group of recitals coming up that spring, but my manager, Herbert Barrett, was able to postpone them� The panic was slowly ebbing, but still always close to the surface. If I even had a little phlegm, the same as you get from being out in the cold air, I�d think: I�ve done it again; I�ve broken another one. I was checking my voice constantly; every little thing that seemed in the slightest way off would make me think it was happening all over again. �I sang one Macbeth in Washington, but at the end it started to happen again; I got breathy and couldn�t get my falsetto to work as it should, and the next day I had terrible laryngitis. I was sure a capillary had leaked again. As soon as I got home I went to Dr. Reckford. He looked with his mirror, took a step back, shook his head, and I never forget the look of sorrow and sadness on his face when he said, �I�m sorry, I�m sorry!� The panic under the surface exploded once more; I was in a sweat sitting there listening to the diagnosis, completely soaking wet. He said, �This isn�t in such a serious place; it�s on top near the middle of the same right vocal fold, but not so close to the vibrating edge�� So I had a second round of laser surgery in August of 1984, again with Dr. Strong in Boston, again entering the hospital under a pseudonym, again with all those fears. �I rested, and slowly went back to singing, always surrounded by rumors that something horrible was wrong with me�that I was dying. No one would ever bring it up directly, so it was never discussed face to face. I couldn�t even counter the rumors. Coming up soon was the Metropolitan Opera Centennial, and they wanted me to sing� I was practicing one evening in the piano room at home for about thirty minutes, went to bed, and started talking to my wife� and couldn�t make a sound, not a whisper. Again no discomfort or pain, but the panic was instant�cold sweat all over again. I had had four breaks and two surgeries, for naught. I was going insane, absolutely insane. I lay awake all night. The next day, Dr. Gould found the leak with his television camera. The Centennial was only ten days away and I wanted to be a part of that gala in the worst way. Even if I stayed mute all that time, would I have enough vocal strength in time to rehearse and then do the performances?� Alas, it was not to be. I was improving, but two days before the performance, neither doctor thought it was advisable or possible (the vocal folds would not be ready) for me to sing� With a heavy heart, I had to cancel singing in this �once in a lifetime concert�� A week later�Ernani rehearsals began with Luciano Pavarotti and Leona Mitchell, with James Levine conducting. The role of Don Carlo is a big sing, with plenty of high notes, high tessitura, and a very legato line. At first, I was almost afraid to open my mouth to sing. Little by little, I strengthened back into the part� My stamina did return and the performances were successful� This time the capillaries healed and I�ve never had another break. They never found a reason why I had no problems whatsoever for twenty years, then had breaks again and again, and, after that, no further problems. Finally, but slowly, my emotional and physical confidence came back and I could sing fully and uninhibitedly again. The fear that my voice wouldn�t be there, the sweat-soaked panic of not knowing what would happen when I opened my mouth to sing, ebbed, but did not totally disappear. The surgeries had left their mark. Back to home |