SMOKING AT WORK:
THE SMELLY TRUTH

Can smoking at work damage your career?

Smokers: loved by the government, hated by colleagues. But it doesn't have to be this way.

We're all familiar with the sight of banished smokers huddled around fire exits outside shops, factories and offices. Shivering in the cold, they look like rabbits waiting to hurl themselves under a passing car.

Smokers band together, united in their addiction. "Look at us," they seem to be saying. "Look at what you've made us do!"

With a touching (and unique) concern for the well-being of their employees, most bosses have banned smoking in the workplace. Unless you work for a tobacco company, in which case it's practically compulsory.

Not in my lungs, please

At a time when employers would kill for more harmony in the workplace, they instead erect smoke screens. The 'us' and 'them' culture that once divided suits from workers now separates smokers from their co-workers.

Each side brings its own ammunition to the fight. "My aunt smoked 88 a day for fifty years and she died in a freak lawnmower accident while playing frisbee in the park!" scream the smokers.

"Well," sneer the non-smokers, "my uncle never smoked in his life and he dropped dead at 42 from lung cancer." Pause. "But he sat next to a guy at work who smoked every day!" they announce triumphantly.

This level of debate is about as effective as calling each other "poo-brain" and "stinkyface", only not as funny.

Do smokers work less?

But health concerns are small beer next to the brewery-sized complaint that preoccupies non-smokers everywhere: "X takes four fifteen-minute fag breaks a day, so I'm doing an hour's more work than X and that's not fair."

This isn't, of course, strictly true. The non-smokers tend to spend those four fifteen minute breaks in the kitchen, tutting "there X goes again", and telling anyone passing how terrible it is that so-and-so slopes off all the bloody time and does no work.

Smokers are more sociable

But it's not that simple. Smokers say that they are more sociable creatures. Offering someone a tab is a friendly and increasingly generous gesture. Non-smokers could try offering their limp sandwiches around and see how many takers they get.

Smokers say their fag breaks make them more productive by giving them time to pause and relax away from the chaos of the workplace (if you can relax when it's raining, windy or freezing outside). It also means you're frequently unavailable if a suit is on the hunt for someone to perform "a little favour". Cunning, eh?

Despite all this, non-smokers say smoking is the most anti-social thing you can do. It's an argument that will never be settled, like whether or not Geoff Hurst's second goal crossed the line or not.

Is smoking really so bad?

If somebody wants to spend their money on cigarettes, let them. Some people devote their hard-earned wages to other equally bizarre hobbies. Like ballroom dancing. It's all part of life's rich tapestry.

Non-smokers shouldn't bitch about secondary smoke and smelly clothes. Instead they should look on the bright side - "At least I won't have to worry about Andrews when the assistant manager's job comes up, 'cos he'll be dead from smoking." Stuff like that.

With increasing demands on our time, the concept of simple pleasures could be set to go the way of the Sega MegaDrive. Work is stressful enough without people being persecuted for enjoying a legal drug while they're there.

Besides, as long as the smoking argument rages quietly, it means no-one's turning their attention to caffeine. Try banning that at work - then they'll have a real fight on their hands.

avoids all this grief by smoking cigars

KICK THE HABIT

Kick the Habit explores smoking, alcohol, drugs and other addictions.