I don�t know what persuaded Sinise, Robbins and Nielsen to be in this effort, all of whom have CVs chock-full of titles from the �Taste the Difference� breed of film. Mission to Mars, if I may continue with my genius metaphor, is pure �Safeway Saver� entertainment. As a sexually frustrated schoolgirl watching Of Mice and Men during GCSE English, I fell in love with a topless Gary Sinise and I�m happy to report that he�s still gorgeous, though sadly not topless.
It doesn�t deserve its accolade as �one of the worst films of all time� but without doubt it deserves the title for worst script of all time. It was full of hokey sentimentality, and an endearing combination of scientific bloopers AND truisms � NASA scientists earnestly informing each other that �The genetic difference between men and apes is only three percent. But that three percent gave us Einstein, Mozart...� - well whoopdeedoo, you learn something new every day. Oh, and the soundtrack is abominable too. 2001: A Space Odyssey used the Blue Danube, Mission to Mars presents Casio Keyboard demonstrations No's one through seven.
Forget all that. It�s a bread-and-butter, no surprises good story, each part played with enough bewilderingly inexplicable sincerity that it manages to be likeable despite the truly awful script. After most of the original crew is lost without trace during a massive and rather well CGI-d Martian incident, a bereaved Gary Sinise heads up a rescue mission to the red planet, and only just make it there themselves. The only surviving member of the original crew is scratching out a lonely existence in a makeshift greenhouse. It turns out there�s a weird alien monument that destroys everything that approaches it the wrong way. Luckily it takes the new crew approximately ten minutes to figure out a solution and enter the alien wonderland.
There follows the kind of lovey-dovey alien explanation of All Life On Earth that really appeals to dumbos like me but could equally be responsible for mass vomiting. What can I say? Don�t expect sophistication in any form other than special effects, and do expect a happy and mildly engaging Sunday-afternoon storyline. Have fun spotting Vern from Stand By Me! |
