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Evans
Hulk
USA, 2003
[Ang Lee]
Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly, Nick Nolte, Sam Elliott, Josh Lucas
Action
Huzzah! Get out the grossly overpriced popcorn, step on some old guy's feet to get to the only free seat in the cinema, sit back and try to ignore the searing back pain cos here it is; THE summer blockbuster TWO-THOUSAND-THREE DUUUDE!! Wall-smashing, tank-tossing, 'copter-punching fun all round, and with a couple of oedipal complexes thrown in too!! Err, hold on...

Is it too much to ask to see a big green schizophrenic beating the shit out of various landmarks and aliens for two hours? And then, like, he'd have cool features like, I dunno, his hand could turn into a gun? Well, when Ang Lee is in the picture, yes. But we do get an hour-long lecture on cool stuff like nanomeds, which I'm sure Stephen Hawking would be interested in, if only you could wheel the dirty little pervert out of Stringfellows.

You see, we, the idiotic public, just accept that Dr Bruce Banner turns into a mighty green colossus when he gets miffed, and we do not need an hour long explanation why. A little 3 minute summary would do. In fact, I'm sure most of us would have preferred the Hulk to just shrug into the camera and say 'Ah well, shit happens' (F.Y.I. we do get to hear the Hulk speaking briefly, and he sounds like, surprise surprise, James Earl Jones). But just in case you are interested; Bruce's father, who is a bit of a git, injects himself with a rapid healing serum before conceiving the mild mannered geek, who inherits a mutant gene as a result. This, coupled with an extreme exposure to radiation when attempting to save the life of a typically incompetent handyman, Hulkifies him.

Or does it? We are also handed the theory that the beast is merely a physical manifestation of repressed psychological trauma. Could it be the memory of his caddish dad stabbing his hot mother that triggers these incredible sulks? In some ways, this makes sense; after all, Dale Winton has repressed his feelings for men for so long he's turned orange. On the other hand, I clearly remember my mum buying me a lilac coloured bag to go to secondary school with, and my next door neighbour continuously plays the Fast Food Rocker's 'Fast Food Song', yet whenever I try to jump through the ceiling I end up in casualty. Where's the justice in that?

So Banner is the Hulk when he's pissed off. Why is it then, that even the CGI beefcake himself spends most of his time wistfully looking at desolate scenery like a gargantuan green pussy? A tearful and slightly seasick Danny from Hear'say is not something you'd usually equate with white-hot rage, but no-one said this had to make sense. The biggest mystery, however, is how the Hulk keeps his hulking dick in those fetching purple cycling shorts. Why is it that on one occasion, Banner is spotted post-rampage wearing torn purple bermuda shorts, and on another one he's wearing nothing more than a frown and an excess of Johnson's Baby Oil on his spotty arse? Such are the complex mysteries of this dense and deeply layered film.

Unfortunately, this yawnfest is not in the same league as the last big Marvel-inspired film
Spiderman, but although I've never seen it, I'll say it's better than Daredevil. I mean, a blind crimefighter? What's the deal with THAT?  Full marks however, for the two-for-the-price-of-one cameo scene of the unintentionally (?) hilarious Stan Lee pestering original and Gallagher-bonced Hulk Lou Ferrigno. Now THERE was a man you wouldn't make fun of his hearing-aid. Although if you did, he probably wouldn't hear you anyway. Just don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him w...aaand so on.
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