I was one of the rare, rare people who didn't mind the original Garfield. I didn't like it particularly, but it was OK. Not completely, utterly, spirit-wreckingly horrible. Maybe two stars. One and a half perhaps. This is definitely a one though. I knew it was going to be terrible, any film series this lazy had to make a hash of the British location, destroy the dignity of its cast and just be not very, you know, good. Like. And congratu-lations cast and crew! Job well done, you blew the Nazi dam on this one. You can all go home and have a glass of champagne. And some canapes.
Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties (OH MY GOD, THE PUNNING) is utterly without merit. Everyone involved should be blacklisted from Hollywood immediately (no change for Breckin Meyer then) and all remaining copies should be collected up and fired into the sun. There isn't a single scene which is not blatantly pilfered from another movie, and the simple Prince and the Pauper plot is possibly the laziest example of hack-writing ever. It's been done to death people, move on. You can't honestly expect to pick up a paycheque for simply changing the words 'Prince' and 'Pauper' with Garfield and, er Prince (his doppleganger). The rest of the plot is identical in every possible way.
So Garfield and his owner Jon wind up in merry old England, chasing after Jon's girlfriend Liz (Jennifer Love Hewitt, whose breasts are once again her only visible talent) who is presenting some paper to a veterinarian's conference. Smack of a writer cobbling something together during his lunch break? Sure does. He intends to propose and Garfield, who was put in a kennel, escapes and magically finds his way to the UK in Jon's luggage (no security x-rays at the airport then either eh). While there Garfield swaps lives with Prince, a pampered cat whose new owner wishes to off him in order to inherit the cat's fortune, bestowed on him by an eccentric old bat. Jon rescues Prince, Garfield saves the day, Billy Connelly humiliates himself in every scene. It's all bad.
As a proud Briton I find it hard to reconcile my countries need to take the money for this. We should have read the script and passed and they could have saddled France or the Czechs with it instead. They'll do anything. All G2 does is recycle the old British stereotypes: rich toffs, bear-hatted palace guards who don't move, tiny little cars (anyone remember the mini from Three Men and a Little Lady?) and funny accents. Other than Tim Curry, who at least puts some vocal effort into his character Prince, everyone else clearly just jumped for joy at taking some Hollywood money and phoned in their performances. Not even phoned... telegraphed. Smoke signals in fact.
As a result there is nothing to enjoy, no guilty pleasures, no adult gags that fly over the kids heads making them twice as sweet. Nothing. I would have placed G2 as a movie for tweens, but the over-reliance on animals, bad CGI and exploitation of the natives marks it suitable only for kids barely able to stand up. Even then I would consider their intelligence to be badly insulted by this disaster. If they even think about putting a third into production (Bill Murray must not need the money that badly now) I would seriously consider forming a picketline and taking my complaints to Congress.
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