President Beatty Takes Up Residence

by Steve Martin

 

My God, I can see the Washington Monument from the bedroom. That's a sight. I wonder if they can see me from there -- President Beatty. ''Yes sir, Mr. President.'' Sounds good. I like being called Mr. President. Can't wait to get Mike Ovitz on the phone and have him call me Mr. President. Ohmigod! I can't wait. If I do a movie with Spielberg, will he say, ''Could you speak your line a little faster, Mr. President?'' I guess he'll have to.

There must be a thermostat around here somewhere. First-day stuff. I'll find it tomorrow. Bed's nice. Comfy. I can't stand it that Reagan was in here. In this very bedroom ... I can't believe that he's considered a great President. Good grief. He will not be the greatest actor-President! HE WILL NOT! HE WILL NOT! HE WILL NOT!

Hey, my first phone call...

''Sir, Mr. Jack Nicholson is calling.''

Put him through ... Hi, Jack!''

''Hey there ol' buddy! I just wanna say one thing: Poontang.''

 

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Appeared in The New Yorker magazine, October 18 and 25, 1999.

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