Two Menus
Steve Martin
KING'S RANSOM Paducah, Kansas Fine dining at its best. |
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SYNERGY Beverly Hills, California Phone: Yeah, right. |
Fried-Butter Appetizer Butter, cream, fat, lard, shortening, palm oil, drawn-butter dip. |
Air Salad Air Salad Dehumidified ocean air on a bed of fileted basil. |
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Greaseballs Four greaseballs served flaming hot in your hands (grease, balls). |
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Egg-White Omelette Egg whites, pumpkin seeds, Vitamin C, nonfat cheese buttons, aerated yogi urine. |
* Cow Organs Charlton HestonSteaming entrails and freshly slaughtered virgin cow brains, marinated in lard. Find the bullet and eat free! |
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Spaghetti à la Nerf Our natural eggless spaghetti, cooked in desalted Caspian Sea water, simmered in oliveless olive oil, and sprinkled with parsley skins. As light a Nerf ball! |
Maybelle's Vegetarian Special Ham, ham hocks, pork rinds, butter, eggs. Ask for Bac-O-Bits! |
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Filet of Sole Sole. |
Double Height Rib-Eye Steak Cooked in its own juice while alive, served with hot buttered metal screws, cardboard. |
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Chilean Sea Bass The Patagonian toothfish is overfished, so try our soya-based lo-fat substitute, swimming in hot water. Soy, water, gelatin added for viscosity. Garlic vapor. A natural face-lift dish. |
Egg-Yolk Omelette à la Mitt Yellow hearts of egg folded into an omelette. Cooked and served inside a boxing glove. |
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Our Banana Split Fried ice cream, butter, double-cream-infused banana, whipped cream, cherries in red dye No. 2, triple-fudge chocolate sauce, pancakes, cow fat. |
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Our Banana Split One banana lying in its own skin, Covered in chocolate, on a bed of arugula. A cheesecloth mouth condom is supplied to enable you to taste the chocolate without swallowing. |
* Heartwise! |
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Hemlock Tea Try our depoisoned herbal infusion.
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This article was published in the February 21 and 28, 2000 edition of the New Yorker on page 74.
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Last updated 15 August 2001