Wiegraff's birthday party A FFT fanfic by RJS (Wiegraff's house) Wiegraff: (Playing with Aries) Heee...heee evil power. Death Corps Knight: Sir! Wiegraff: Shut up! Leave me alone! D.C. Knight: But sir tommorow is your birthday! Wiegraff: (Playing with the Aries stone again and ignoring the Knight) Heee...heee evil power! D.C. Knight: SIR! MILUDA IS HERE! Miluda: Hi brother! (Does woddy-woodpecker laugh) Wiegraff: I hate that laugh. (Miluda does it again) SHUT UP! Miluda: Silly brother. Wiegraff: Hmmm....I think I'm going to kill some nobels and merge with Lucavi today. Miluda: WAIT FOR ME! ********* (Sweegy woods) Ramza: Agrais? Agrais: Yeah? Ramza: Listen I got somthing to confess. I lov-(Miluda comes in and kicks dirt in his face making Ramza mad) MILUDA! Agrais: (Has the little anime cross's when the charachters are irritated on her head) You love Miluda? B-but-(Cries) Ramza: No! I love Yo-(Miluda trips and splashes him with water and Ramza get's a pissed look on his face) MILUDA!!!! Agrais: WAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! (Runs off crying) Miluda: (Woody-woodpecker laugh) Hey you aristocratic son of a bitch! Ramza: ARRRRGGHHHH!!!! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SHOW UP. (Miluda trips and invitation falls out) Wiegraff's birthday? Miluda: And your not invited! Not Aristocrats or Heritics allowed. Ramza: I don't want to go. Miluda: Damn! (Runs off) Ramza: Now to fix this with Agrias... (Tingel residince) Izlude: (Reads invitation) You are invited to Wiegraff's birthday party... Vormav: Enough. We must buy him a present. How about a pretty piece of mythril. Izlude: Yeah if he was gay like you. Vormav: INFIDEL! (Draws sword and chases him around the room) (Wiegraff's house) Wiegraff: (Looks at list on his refrigirator which somehow got into the medival era) List: Feed Mr. Jark-Jark (Pet monkey) Kill 2 Hokuten Knights Kill 2 Nanten Knights Kill the people who translated Daravon's lines and named the "Blaze" Gun Wiegraff: I think I'm done. Mr. Jark-Jark: (Makes monkey noises) Wiegraff: Yes Mr. Jark-Jark we will soon hear the screams of our foes....and you can go do your buisness in the Igros castle garden while I prepare for my birthday party. (Appointed place for Wiegraf's birthday) Gustav: I say we have it at Shakey's! Golgaros: No! Mc Donalds. Funeral: No! I say in the name of St. Ajora say that we have it at church! Miluda: (Woody woodpecker laugh) Fool! Who would have a birthday at church? Funeral: A temple Knight like Wiegraff and merger with Lucavi. Miluda: ......(Woody-woodpecker laugh) Gustav: Good lord shut up! Miluda: CRUSH PUNCH! (Gustav steps out of the way and it hits Funeral) OOOPS! (Woody-woodpecker laugh) Funeral: DAMN YOU! (Igros castle) Dycedarg: So that tortured peasant Wiegraff is having a birthday party. Well I'd never! Zalbag: You mean you have never had a birthday party? Dycedarg: I tried...BUT ALL MY ATTEMPTS END IN FAILURE!!!!!! Zalbag: ..... Dycedarg: Now I need to organize the Hokuten to destroy Wiegraff's birthday! Get Ramza! Zalbag: Okay. (Ramza's hiding spot) Ramza: But Agrais...I didn't mean it! Agrias: Then look me in the eye and say I love you. Ramza: Fine I love-(Zalbag trips on Ramza) ZALBAG! Agrais: Ewwww! GROSS! (Runs away) Zalbag: Dycedarg wants you to crash Wiegraff's birthday party. Ramza: NO! Zalbag: Do it! Ramza: Fine!....dumbass. (An arrow nearly misses his head) FINE! I'LL DO IT! (Wiegraff's house) Wiegraff: Mr. Jark-Jark! Where are you? Where's my little monkey boy? (Mr. Jark-Jark is holding the aries stone) MR.JARK-JARK DROP THAT EVIL STONE OF DESTRUCTION THIS INSTANT! (Mr. Jark-Jark shakes his head) YOU SON OF A BITCH! (Throws a vase at him and High Priest Funeral walks in and the vase smashes into his face) Funeral: AHHH!!!! I CAN'T SEE! (Walks around aimlessly) Wiegraff: I'm sorry sir. Funeral: Anyway. We are preparing your birthday at..."Rat cellar" Wiegraff: Say...would like to touch my "monkey?" Funeral: I would be delighted. (Touches Mr.-Jark Jark's hand) Wiegraff: Hmmm.....Rat cellar eh? (Some Battlefield) Larg: KILL GOLTANA! Goltana: Hah! You'll never kill me! (Delita appears) Delita: EVRYONE! WE'VE ALL BEEN INVITED TO WIEGRAFF'S BIRTHDAY EXCEPT GOLTANA AND LARG! Hokuten&Nanten Knights: HORRAY! (They throw down thier weapons and run off) Goltana: Well....Umm....you want donuts Larg? Larg: Sure. ******** D.C. Knight: I told you I don't know! (Wiegraff's holding him by the throat) Wiegraff: Why is Gustav trying to ruin my party? Talk! D.C. Knight : He's gonna play Pin the tail on the donkey without you. Wiegraff: (Gasps) HOW DARE HE! I'M GOING TO RAT CELLAR! Ramza: Hold it there Wiegraff! Wiegraff: Damn! (Runs off) Ramza: Damn. (The Knight get's up) NO I'M NOT RE-DOING THE DORTER BATTLE AGAIN! Knight: Pfh. Fine. But Wiegraff's heading for rat cellar. And he has a hostage. Ramza: Teta? Knight: No. The fair Agrais! Ramza: I must stop him! Knight: Man this story makes no sense. (Rat cellar) Gustav: No! I will play pin the tail on the donkey without your permission! Miluda: C'mon boy's don't fight. Let's have fun. (Does woddy-woodpecker laugh) Wiegraff: Shut up. (Slays Gustav) Okay. Let's have some punch. Hokuten Knight: Hey. Where's my damn slice of cake. Nanten Knight: Up your ass. Hokuten Knight : Why you! (Lunges at the Nanten Knight and get's his head blown off by Balk) Balk: No fighting. (Blows the smoke of his gun) Nanten Knight: O-okay... Wiegraff: Hmmm...I would't mind opening presents. (Dorter) Ramza: Agrais...I must save you. Miluda: (Woody -woodpecker laugh) Hello there Ramza! If you want your dear love back you must go do three things. Ramza: I'll defeat you Miluda. (Draws sword) Miluda: I don't think so. (Starts to do the woody-woodpecker laugh but falls off the crates she standing on midway through her laugh) Ramza: Oooohhhh...that's gotta hurt. Miluda: You must go through three trials! One go to Blockbuster video and rent me a movie for four year olds going through the embarassment of renting it. Then you must work at Mc. Donalds for a day! And lastly go destroy the man who mistranslated the "blaze gun". Goodbye. (Woody-woodpecker laugh and dissapers in a puff of smoke) (Rat cellar) Funeral: Open my present first. Golgaros: No mine! Delita: Please mine! Wiegraff: I will open...Golgaros's gift. (Golgaros smiles triumphantly) Let's see...it's a board game....Clue? CLUE? Golgaros: It's a game. It's really fun! (Wiegraff motions to his Death Corps guards and they grab Golgaros) Wiegraff: Take him outside and chop his worthless head off. Golgaros: WAIT! Wiegraff: Take your stupid Clue with you. (Throws the board game but it hit's Funeral instead and Funeral falls back) Sorry! Golgaros: Nooo!!! (The guards take him away) Wiegraff: Now let's see what Funeral got me. Ohhh...movies of death and destruction. Funeral: (Still knocked out) Wiegraff: And let's see...Marquis Elmdor got me a...tickle me Sephiroth doll? Elmdor: Tickle him. (Wiegraff tickles him) Sephy doll: Heee...Heee...stop that imbicel. (Wiegraff does it again) I hate you. (Wiegraff tickles him again) I'm going to kill you. (Wiegraff does it again) I'M GONNA KILL YOU WIEGRAFF FOLLES! Wiegraff: Yeah with what? Sephy doll: (Pulls out masamune) Die! (Balk blows it to pieces) Balk: Heh,heh. (Blockbuster) Ramza: I...would like to rent this...telletubbies video. (Everyone laughs) Clerk: Heh. Retard. That will be 200 gil. (Ramza walks out and eryone laughs) Person: Retard! Person#2: I can tell that guy's still a virgin! (Mc Donalds) Ramza: Hi...I would like to apply for a job. Manager: Okay. You work at the counter. Ramza: Oh...crap. (Puts on uniform and Alma walks in) Alma: Hi! I would like a cheeseburger, some fries, a coke and two-Brother Ramza? Ramza: I'm doing this just so I can get Agrais back. Alma: ....Anyways I would like two Hash browns. Ramza: With a diet like that you'll turn into a fat little piggy of a sister of mine. Alma: Shut up! (A gang of fat Thevies come in) Thief: 10,000 burgers, fries and cokes to go! Say aren't you Ramza Beoulve? Ramza: Yes. Thief: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! (All the other thieves laugh) Thief#2: He's working at Mc Donalds! Manager: Sirs. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Thief: Get him boy's. (They dunk him in dipping sauce) Manager: Ughh...BEOULVE! YOUR FIRED! Ramza: How long have I worked here! Manager: ONE DAMN DAY! Ramza: Okay that's the second ordeal. Now off to Squaresoft HQ. (Squaresoft Hq) Square exec: No you idiots! I say we make a non-RPG! Square exec#2: We tried that several times...and they all suck. Square exec#3: Hey. Ramza Beoulve from FFT is here. Ramza: Who here mistranslated the "blaze gun" Square exec#1: Oh that would be our translator. Tim. Tim: Hi. Ramza: Inscript the dark god on a rotting body...FLARE! (The scene shifts to outside the Square building showing it blowing up) (Some cliff) (Agrias is tied to a post) Agrais: You'll never get away with this Miluda! Miluda: Fool! I'll get away with anything I want! (Woody-woodpecker laugh) Agrais: That's the most annoying thing I ever heard. (Miluda does it over and over again) SHUT UP! Miluda: I think you've had enough. Damn! Ramza's here to save you! Ramza: Give it up Miluda! Miluda: Well ummm....(Woody woodpecker laugh) Ramza: (Lunges and clashes swords with Miluda) I have you Miluda! Agrais: Hurry up and rescue me! Ramza: I'm coming-OW! (Miluda hits him with a block of wood and does her laugh) Miluda: Heh. NOW YOU DIE! Funeral: (off in the distance) WE'RE HAVING CAKE! Miluda: Crap. We'll finish this later. (Runs off) Ramza: (Unties Agrais) We have to go defeat them. Agrais: Right. (Rat cellar) Ramza: One guard? He's huge. What Job class is he? Agrais: Bouncer. The ultimante party guard. D.C. Bouncer: Hey you there! Get out! (Stuffs both of them in a garbage can) Agrais: Mrrrph!!! Ramza: I'm not done with you! (Draws sword) Bouncer: Get out here boys! (Several Sumo wrestlers come out) Sumo Wrestler#1: I mess you up more then I mess up my Ramen noodles this morning! Sumo Wrestler#2: Pound his ass into Sushi! Sumo Wrestler#3: Time to die Ramza-san! (They all charge towards Ramza while a the bouncer bangs a gong and Japanese music starts playing in the background) Ramza: (Does a Karate stance) HYAH! Sumo Wrestler#1: CHARGE!!!! (The Sumo wrestlers charge at Ramza and trample him) Ramza: Ugghhh....(A bomb all of a sudden comes out of nowhere and blows up the Sumo wrestlers and the bouncer and Agrais stands there) Agrais: Heh. Ramza: Agrais? WHere did you keep that bomb? Agrais: Well...women do have more hiding spots then men. (Winks) Ramza: Man...that's dirty... (Inner area of Rat cellar) D.C. Knight: Sir! He's here! Wiegraff: So Ramza Beoulve...come to ruin my birthday party eh? Golgaros come! Knight: You just killed Golgaros sir. I'm his replacement Fred. Wiegraff: Fred! Follow me! Miluda take my gifts to saftey! Miluda: YES SIR! (Woody woodpecker laugh) Ramza: Stop Wiegraff! (Elmdor and his assasians come out) Celia: We will kill you! Lede: Prepare to die! Agrais: (Throws a bomb and blows them up too) Wiegraff: Hey! How'd she do that? Ramza: She keeps them in her two ummm...boobies.(Blushes) Wiegraff: Ooooohh....kinky! Agrais: Shut up! STATIS SWORD! (Takes down two Knights) Funeral: Ha! Ha! I will defeat you all! (An arrow hits him by accident by a Death Corps archer) Uggghhh....(Dies) Archer: Oooops....does that mean I'm going to Hell? Elmdor: That's it! I'm getting out of here! Wiegraff: No! I prosmise we'll burn him at the stake! Elmdor: Naw. Not intrested. (Leaves) Zalbag: Hey Ramza! How goes the battle? (A Death Corps Knight is holding Ramza in front of him and another is punching him in the stomach) Ramza: I'm feeling...OW!...just...OW! THIS IS THE WORST PAIN EVER! Wiegraff: Heh. No one ruins my birthday. (Ramza struggles free) Ramza: Surrender! Wiegraff: Get him Mr. Jark-Jark! Ramza: What can that stupid monkey do? (Mr. Jark-Jark shoots a giant ball of energy at Ramza throwing him back) Wiegraff: Ha! Ha! Ha! Fool! Mr. Jark-Jark finish him! Zalbag: I'll help! (Blasts Mr. Jark-Jark away) Wiegraff: I'll kill-hey where's my Aries stone? Balk: Oh this? It kinda fell apart in the washing machine. Wiegraff: NOOOOOO!!!! DIE RAMZA! (Clashes swords with Ramza) Miluda: Die Agrais! (Wood-woodpecker laugh) Agrais: (Clashes swords with Miluda while Zalbag get's the shit beaten out of him by some Death Corps Knights) Wiegraff: Now where are some worrth awhile prestents I can use on Ramza? Oh this will do! (Throws a gigantic bomb at Ramza) Ramza: AHHHHH!!!! (Avoids ther blast) Agrais: (Slashes down Miluda) YES! Miluda: I'm dying...Wiegraff listen to my last words...(Does the woody-woodpecker laugh real slowly and dies) Wiegraff: Yes! I'm rid of that stupid ditz forever! Ramza: Where were we? Wiegraff: I was killing you. (Get's the crap beaten out of him) On second thought why don't we all just sit down and have some cake. (The Death Corps let go of Zalbag's beaten corpse and all the Hero's and villans sit down) Wiegraff: Wait! The Aries stone is back. Now I can transform into Velius and- Agrais: Oh please! Like were scared of an over-grown sheep. Wiegraff: B-but. Fine let's just eat. Ramza: Well all and all this was a wierd fanfic. The ending couldn't be wierder... Miluda: HI! I'M STILL ALIVE FOR NO PRACTICULAR REASON! (Balk blows her head off) Balk: Heh. Heh. Ramza: Agrais I have somthing to confess... Agrais: Yes? Ramza: I love-(Mr. Jark-Jark bites him) MR. JARK-JARK! Agrais: YUCKIE! Ramza: No I mean I love you.... Agrais: I never thought you'd ever say that. (They kiss) Wiegraff: Awww...how heart wretchingly sweet. I need a companion. (Mr. Jark-Jark climbs up) Yes...Mr. Jark-Jark. Come New Years eve I'll hear thier bloody screams! MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!! THE END Miluda: (Woody-woodpecker laugh) Reviews?