TITLE: "Wanderlust" (1/6)
BY: Crash and Ten
E-MAIL ADDRESSES: crashed52@hotmail.com and
kristena@ocean.com.au

CATEGORY: MSR, A, H, S
RATING: NC-17 overall for very adult situations.
If that's not your cup of tea, or if you're underage, bail now!
SUMMARY: Set after the events of "The Red and the Black",
both partners are drifting in a sea of confusion and loss
after the events of the last year. Will their chance
meeting on a weekend lead to healing and understanding?

TIMESPAN/SPOILER WARNING: mainly "Patient X"/"The Red and
the Black", "Christmas Carol"/"Emily" doubles, "Home",
the "Redux" trilogy, lesser so: "Dod Kalm", the Abduction
Arc, "Never Again", "The Field Where I Died" and "3".
ARCHIVE INFO: Can be archived anywhere as long as our
names, addys and disclaimer stay intact. It goes to
Gossamer and the newsgroup through xff.
The whole story is available on Crash's webpage:
http://www.geocities/com/Area51/Lair/4832
FEEDBACK: We love it. Thank you!

DISCLAIMER: The X-Files and the characters of Mulder and
Scully belong to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions
and Fox Broadcasting, and are used without permission. No
copyright infringement is intended, no profit will be
gained.

"Torn" is by Natalie Imbruglia, copyright BMG
Entertainment International UK & Ireland, Ltd 1998;
"Rattlesnakes" by Lloyd Cole copyright SBK Songs Ltd.
1985. "Rondeau" was written by Leigh Hunt in the 1800's.
"Queen of Outer Space" was made in 1958, by Allied
Artists. Ginsu Knives are produced by Quikut, a division
of Scott Fetzer Company, Arkansas. Kramer Books is real
too, no infringement intended.

THANKS TO: Vickie Moseley, Lisa, Debbie and Mr & Mrs
Frogdoggie for all their wonderful suggestions and help.
Especially to Vickie and June in regard to Scully's POV
in this situation.

NOTE FROM TEN: (You can skip these if you want and get on
with the story. We won't cry... Much.) Unlike our
previous collaborations, "Steam and Ice Cream" and "The
Worship of Flowers", this actually has...plot! GASP... :)
You see, once there was an xf fan in Australia, who was
very annoyed at the writers for overmanipulating Mulder
and Scully and the viewers with the "Emily" episodes.
Thanks for the Merry Christmas, boys... She wished they
hadn't done it, but since they did, she wanted more
resolution, and for M&S to actually have a decent
conversation about everything that had happened. "All
Souls" didn't deliver that for her. So, she thought, "I'm
a writer, I'll do it myself!" She came up with a story,
but realised she would never get it done by herself. She
needed someone to pull her through the angsty scenes
which she would keep putting off.

So she turned to Crash, who rose to the challenge
magnificently. Crash also vastly improved the storyline
by rearranging the order of certain scenes so it wasn't
just one big angst-fest. Thanks for all your help, dear!

NOTE FROM CRASH: Regarding the above, can I have a
cookie? Sorry Ten, had to be said. Seriously, I share
Ten's ire at the unresolved storylines brought on by
"Emily" and "All Souls". It bothered me so much I
considered entering a 12-step program. "Hi, my name is
Crash and I'm a romo." But, fortunately, reason (read
Ten) prevailed and instead I collaborated with my
Australian counterpart on this story. Bless her heart,
she's been forced to put up with the bromides of the
American south to the point that I think if she hears one
more witticism about Moon Pie she'll cross the Pacific
and shoot me.

Once again, I'm forced to write the lines to my dear
friend, thanks for encouraging my behavior...and thanks
for putting up with it too.


WANDERLUST by Ten and Crash
May - September 1998


XxX

Scully pushed the power-window buttons, lowering the
windows to her bright blue Chevy Cavalier as she sped
down Route 50 towards D.C. She wanted wind to blow
through the car to air it out and hopefully air out her
troubled mind. She cranked the radio up on her favorite
alternative rock station, hoping a little loud music
would clear up those thoughts as well. Unfortunately, the
radio station had other ideas.

"Her unborn child still haunts her as she speeds down the
freeway..."

Lloyd Cole's voice filled the car and her mind, and she
gripped the steering wheel tightly. Scully's child had
been born, but not to her and she'd never gotten to know
Emily. Anger flushed her cheeks as she thought about the
many things taken from her in recent months. She jammed a
cassette into the tape deck, wanting to erase the subject
of children from her mind.

"There's nothing there, where you used to lie, my
inspiration has run dry..."

Natalie Imbruglia. Scully sighed heavily. Well, Natalie's
feminine angst was a welcome change to the earlier tune.
She felt her shoulders relax slightly. Scully wanted some
inspiration; that's what this day was going to be about.
She'd lived the last few months hiding from the rest of
the world. Shopping at night. It was just too painful to
be out and see happy people with their happy children
when she herself felt so miserable.

But today, she vowed, would be different. It was a sunny
Saturday and she was going to head into town from
Annapolis and do some shopping. She just wanted to spend
a day doing nothing but stuff for herself. Her mother had
seen to it that Scully was alone. They were supposed to
have brunch together, but Maggie Scully had to cancel at
the last minute. So it was going on 11 a.m., Scully
hadn't eaten, and the whole day stretched before her.

A whole day to herself. No aliens, no mutants, no Bureau,
no Mulder. She sniffed. Mulder. He might not be around,
but it wasn't like she could shake her partner from her
head with a 7-scale earthquake.

Scully's mouth twisted into a scowl. It vexed her Mulder
was able to fill her thoughts regardless of what she
tried to do to the contrary. Or did it? Despite Mulder's
ability to utterly annoy her, Scully often had warm
thoughts about him as well.

Warm thoughts that bordered on hot. She quivered every
time she thought of his warm hand surrounding hers as she
lay in a hospital bed...or the feel of his warm lips on
her forehead... It made her warm and led to even hotter
thoughts she wasn't sure she wanted to explore. But at
night, she couldn't push those thoughts away into the
dark basement of her psyche. At night her dreams took
over and she couldn't fight the feelings so deeply
entrenched in her subconscious.

Dreams of Mulder. Like the one she had the previous
night. But this one was not exactly warm. It wasn't a
nightmare, but the premise frightened her. Scully shook
her head and sighed.

/Don't go there, Dana./

"I never saw you as a Mom."

Mulder's voice filled her head. That's what he had said,
sitting on that bench in Home, Pennsylvania, but then
later he called her 'Mom'.

Of all the fantasies or memories of Mulder that her
dreaming mind could have chosen, it - like the radio -
had conspired to replay the memory of the one time she
and Mulder had actually discussed children and
parenthood. Not exactly discussed...quizzed each other
under the guise of a joke. Extending feelers to see if it
was something the other wanted out of life.

"We all feel the need to procreate."

"Do we?" His voice, so husky and loaded with...

We. Us. Yes - us.

"Find a man with a spotless genetic makeup and a really
high tolerance for being second-guessed, and start
churning out the little uber-Scullys."

Then he rubbed her back. His way of putting his hand up
to say he was the one?

Her mind briefly wandered to the hideous thought of the
woman under that bed in that horrible house. She
shuddered. All those deformities, all that damage.

She briefly released the steering wheel with one hand and
touched her own abdomen. Damage. The damage she suffered
was far less noticeable but equally devastating to Dana
Scully. She always thought she was going to be like her
brothers one day, with kids constantly buzzing around her
feet. But no, apparently that wasn't the life chosen for
her. Her pain was a deep ache; a hole in her chest area.
When she saw children now, it seemed like she couldn't
find enough room in her chest to move her lungs because
it hurt so badly. It was tangible.

And her arms would ache for the longest time afterwards
too.

Scully bit down on her lip. /I will not allow myself
these thoughts./ She gazed out her car window and
realized she had made her way into downtown. She
maneuvered the car down a couple of streets and forced
herself to concentrate on the fact it was a beautiful day
and warm for this time of year in Washington as well.

She spotted a parking space and angled her car in. She
got out of the car and pushed her Ray Ban wire rim
sunglasses up her nose. Even though she'd had the pair
specially made, she still fought with keeping the things
in place. /Curse this small body./ Scully gazed around at
the throngs of twenty to thirty-somethings milling around
DuPont Circle. She breathed a sigh of relief that mostly
adults frequented this part of town. This was the perfect
place for her to relax and make herself a part of the
world again.

She crossed the street with the light and headed into her
favorite bookstore in town. The place had a fabulous
brunch and her stomach grumbled. The thought of the
omelets and fruit cups was making her mouth water, but
she wasn't sure she was ready to sit at a table, in
public, ALONE and have brunch. She was terrified of what
dark thoughts that action might bring up. She resigned
herself to browse for a book, one on UFO's she'd decided.

She sniffed a little at the thought but then shrugged. So
what if she wanted to try to know a little more about
Mulder's obsession. /Is that really it, Dana? Or is it
the man with the obsession you're obsessed with? I don't
know what he believes in anymore./ She was so lost in her
thoughts she nearly crashed into a bookshelf.

As she caught herself, Scully noticed a very familiar
tall, dark man down the row from her. He was leafing
through a book on Vikings. /Vikings? Should I be worried
about what our next case is?/ She braced a small hand
against the hard wood frame of the shelving and took in
the view of her partner in his casual finery. She
couldn't help the smile that crossed her face. She
briefly looked at her feet and then back up. He still
hadn't noticed her, even under her intense scrutiny.

XxX

So much for a peaceful Saturday morning. It was usually
spent lazing around the apartment, catching up on all the
mail and subscription magazines that piled up during the
working week.

But since his public declaration that aliens weren't
landing but instead were completely red blooded and part
of the government, the fallout had been spectacular.

Half of the mags he subscribed to (and had written
articles for) clogged his answering machine and e-mail
with messages of outrage. A lot kicked him off their
mailing list. Mulder liked that idea so much that during
lunchtimes at work when Scully wasn't around he contacted
the rest with the same purpose. The thought of continuing
to wade through that garbage was enough to give him
indigestion.

So, no more. The only one he couldn't face canceling was
"The Magic Bullet". The Lone Gunmen dealt in government
conspiracy too, not just little monochrome men, so it was
still of some use. And they were his friends.

Until the phone call two hours ago.

They'd rang up - all three of them on speaker phone,
Langly getting the most words in, all excited about some
new sighting in Iowa...or was it Nebraska?

Mulder's head ached. What did it matter? What did it
matter where the government chose to stage their little
setups? They could call an abductee up via the chip and
have the person come to them...

"Guys, I -"

"Nick at NICAP got the jump on this one for us. He thinks
if you come up straight away, he can get you in before
clean-"

"I DON'T CARE!" he screamed down the line. "Didn't you
LISTEN to my speech at the convention? It's just the
Government cleaning up after the Government - or even if
there are aliens involved, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! I'm sick
of it. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Stunned silence. A muted "Uhhh..." from Frohike.

Mulder slammed the phone down. He didn't know what to
believe in anymore. Krycek had told him some potentially
interesting things, but then again...trust Krycek? All it
had led Mulder to was a military base and another blank
gap in his memory... Nothing. No proof of aliens. Perhaps
he should not have cut the Gunmen off - a chance perhaps
to gather proof against the Government and find out more
about the chips, but did he want to? At the moment it was
all too much. After several long minutes of sitting with
his head in his hands, he wandered over to the computer
and checked his e-mail, hoping for something to channel
his rage at. Bingo. One was from "Abductee" magazine,
wanting his opinion on the group burnings. He quickly
fired back a reply telling them very colorfully where to
go.

He wondered if Scully would be interested in talking to
them.

/Change lanes, Mulder! Think of something else./

He wasn't sure if he meant Scully or the burnings there.
Or both.

He needed something to do. Everything in his apartment -
except perhaps the porn - was in some way connected to
the paranormal. Getting through the working week was
enough of a struggle these days; sick of the taste of the
"paranormal bouquet", questioning himself whether or not
he shouldn't just resign and be done with - there was no
way he was going to OD himself on the weekend too.

Lately his partner, not just the work, was really
unnerving him. He loved to see her at work, but he also
felt relief when they parted... /Why?/

Mulder left his apartment, passing a box full of UFO
magazines. He'd dump them in the recyc bin tomorrow
before his jog.

He took the subway. He sat in a window seat, watching the
darkness whiz by, changing to a station, more darkness, a
station... Like his beliefs, they kept changing back and
forth. The train cutting through them, tearing, traveling
so fast that he couldn't order his thoughts. /What do I
believe? What can I believe?/

The poster in his office. The classic UFO shape looked
like a saucer, but it also resembled a plug, like one
you'd stopper a sink with. For years, the belief in UFOs
had plugged that black hole in Mulder's psyche, the
emptiness where his sister and his parents should be in
his life. It provided a quest, possible answers, possible
reconciliation.

Sightings like the Gunmen reported would usually give him
a tingling rush of blood. The hunt on again. Not now.

Everything he'd fought for...was nothing. The fact that
Scully's cancer was in remission was a relief that COULD
sustain him, a glorious victory, an easing of
guilt...until he found out the chip - the chip he'd given
her - was just as dangerous as any disease. Cancer versus
acting like a red-haired lemming.

Mulder got off the subway at DuPont Circle, headache now
nicely in residence, and headed for Kramer Books. His
black hole was pleading for something to fill the gap, so
he would try to feed it. This was a great bookstore. It
would be nice to browse the new novels. Nice and normal.
Then by the time he'd had a good look here, he would be
ready to feed his hunger for food.

Wandering the shelves, hands in the pockets of his
leather jacket, Mulder began to relax. His mind labeled
potential titles in the New Release Novels section. He
spent a while at the Poetry bookcase. Remembering old
poems, lines that had touched him.

One in particular came to mind: Rondeau.

"Jenny kissed me when we met,
Jumping from the chair she sat in;
Time, you thief, who love to get
Sweets into your list, put that in:

Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,
Say that health and wealth have missed me,
Say I'm growing old, but add,
Jenny kissed me."


Mulder blinked angrily, hot tears suddenly in his eyes.
/Well, Scully didn't exactly kiss me when we met, not in
a physical sense, anyway. But that describes me. My waste
of a life. I don't even have a kiss to cling to. A
loser./ His mind flashed to searching the charred bodies,
frantic. /I nearly didn't have her any more./ That
particular memory was all too prevalent these days.

Standing on Skyland Mountain with Scully. His partner
wanting answers, probably wanting comfort, but everything
was blotted out in his head. /I don't want to be here,/
his mind kept chanting, trying to protect him by
distancing him, disassociating. He couldn't handle being
back there. Not at the site he'd lost her. The memories
were unbearable. He'd had to walk away. The same with
when she'd woken up in the hospital after the burnings.
He'd fled from her side.

Loss. All was loss. And Scully was sucked into the void.
She was alive. He felt dead. She had become a believer,
he was... Just what were they now? Hovering, unsure of
where to place their feet, what poles to align to.

/Jenny kissed me...if only.../

Mulder walked out of the Poetry section, struggling to
bring his breathing under control. He soon managed to and
wiped the sweat away. He found himself standing in front
of the history section. A large hardcover book on Vikings
caught his eye.

He used to love Vikings. His father read the tales to him
and Sam - mainly to him because he was so fascinated.
Young Fox built a longboat out of ice cream sticks for a
school project and got an A. All those fascinations,
phases and hobbies... Vikings, pirates, dinosaurs,
rocks... It had been a long time.

The book was expensive but seemed very thorough. He felt
excited as he recognized pictures and names. Mulder
decided to buy it. He tucked it under his arm and headed
back towards the Novel section. He'd made up his mind
which ones to choose.

Then he noticed the section he was about to pass. The
Paranormal. Grainy images on every cover. His jaw set.

Pass it he did. Without hesitation.

He stopped at the Novels section, heart pounding, shaking
slightly as if he'd broken a sacred ritual. Then he
quickly began plucking his selections off the shelves,
making a nice pile in his left arm. He headed for the
counter.

"Mulder?" came her voice behind him.

XxX


END PART ONE OF SIX

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TITLE: "Wanderlust" (2/6) ****NC-17**** for very adult situations
BY: Crash and Ten
E-MAIL ADDRESSES: crashed52@hotmail.com and
kristena@ocean.com.au
Disclaimer in Part One


/That can't have happened.../ Scully thought it was
easier to believe her regression tape than the sight of
Mulder stalking past the Paranormal bookcase. /He must be
a clone!/ Surely there was some allure still there - if
not, why was he still working on the X-Files?

She hastily followed her partner, noting on the shelf the
Close Encounters book she'd read about on the Net, and
caught up with him just before the counter.

"Mulder?"

He nearly dropped his books. "Oh - hi!"

She looked at him with concern. He was struggling to find
something to say.

She approached and pointed to the bottom book. "Vikings?
Should I be worried about our next case?" She smiled.

He managed one too. "No. No more meteors that make us one
hundred and have the anti-wrinkle skin care companies up
in arms. This is for me."

"Interesting choice."

"I need a hobby." He sounded flippant.

Scully felt her Mulder-alarm go off. Four little words. A
joke. Could it be possible to hear an edge of desperation
in four quick little words, or had she imagined it? Her
worry for him grew. She fine-tuned her senses, her own
troubles momentarily forgotten.

"Egypt used to be my big thing," she told him, hoping
that if she kept him talking, he would reveal more.

"Nah, never did it for me. Those flimsy see-through
dresses really stirred my young imagination, but the bald
heads ruined it."

"And big bulky men with beards, longboats and axes
succeeded?"

"Nah, it was the braids and the fur, really." They both
laughed. "I just loved the tales. Dad used to read them
to me. Anyway, what literary material are you seeking
this fine morn?"

"I'll know when I see it." Scully was thinking of the
Close Encounters book, but did she want to purchase it
while Mulder was around? Though she did want to grab a
big hardcover and whack the girls behind the counter who
were eyeing him off intensely. "Just dabbling. Then I was
going to have lunch." /Alone.../

"That was my plan too. Great minds, huh?" They moved over
to the counter, and he handed his choices over. "The day
started off pretty crappy, so I was planning on going to
my favorite restaurant in Georgetown after this, but I
was so distracted I forgot to drive - the subway doesn't
run there. I'll get a bus."

Scully wondered just what had gone wrong this morning.
But this was not the place to ask him. If they had lunch
together, she could. "I can drive you."

"Are you sure? I mean, do you want to have lunch there?"

"Why not?" But now her own personal alarms were going off
behind her calm face. /Georgetown. Children. There will
be children around. Is it too soon? Can I do it? How can
I tell him that? Though I didn't want to be alone for
lunch, and I need to find out what's bothering him. We
could have brunch here, but it's not really his type of
food. I want to spend time with him. So, I'll manage./

"Great, thanks." Mulder paid for his purchases. "I can
wait while you have a browse." His stomach promptly
protested otherwise.

Scully laughed and handed him her keys. She told him
where her car was, that there was a packet of peppermints
in the glovebox, and that she would be just a minute. She
headed back to the Paranormal section and got the book,
then a historical novel she had also sought after. Mulder
would see the bag, but she would put it in the trunk and
lie about what she had bought.

XxX

Mulder stood just outside the store - munching on some
sunflower seeds he'd remembered were in his pocket - but
close enough to the counter to see Scully approach it.
And her purchases. He saw her see him, and falter. Then
she collected herself and handed the books over.

He could read the loud, blaring print. Close Encounters.
And some novel. Strange choices for a one minute dabble
of the shelves. /I can smell intent here. Trying to woo
me back to the dark side of the force so she can take up
her old role again?/

Scully approached him, bag under her arm. He fancied he
could smell her defiance and uncertainty. For several
seconds, they faced off, staring at each other.

"Is that my birthday present, Scully?"

"No, it's my reading material for the weekend."

Mulder fought the urge to yank the bag from her grasp and
toss it out into the traffic. He had no idea what to
think of this. "Where did you say your car was again?"


A SHORT TIME LATER...

"Are you actually admitting that you thought I was
right?" Mulder couldn't help asking as he stared at his
partner's flame hair blowing in the wind. /And which
version of me was right? I don't know what I believe any
more.../

Scully was skillfully weaving the car through cross town
traffic and not focusing on him with her eyes. He was
taking the rare opportunity to take in every line and
plane of her face. Her beautiful, tortured face, he
mused. But Mulder knew although she might not see him
with her eyes, she saw him with her mind. The thought
made him grip the car's armrest a little harder.

Scully sighed heavily. "All I'm saying, Mulder, is after
all that has happened to me, I feel I should be more open
to...different ideas. For crying out loud, all I did was
buy a book," she said, laughing.

He managed to chuckle a little bit and then grew serious.
If she wanted to know more about the Paranormal, why
didn't she come and ask him? Why sneak around like that?
He had all the books. Well - he thought of the pile he
was close to dumping. /Wonder if she wants them?/ "I'm
sorry, I'm not trying to make light of..." he trailed
off.

"The cancer," she finished for him. "Mulder, you can say
it. I didn't die...Sorry, that was the wrong thing to
say." She shook her head as they stopped at a stop light.
She turned briefly to face him. "Look, I'll be the first
to say I'm angry that so much has been taken from me and
that there is still so much I don't understand, but if I
focus on it I'll just be miserable. I just have to
content myself with the fact that I have my life and my
health if nothing else...I..."

A woman in a green dress holding the hand of a little
girl wearing a red and white polka dotted dress crossed
in the cross walk in front of them. The little girl
didn't have blonde hair, but that fact didn't matter.
Scully bit her bottom lip and then allowed her head to
drop down. She didn't cry.

"Damn," she said in a shuddering breath.

Mulder's hand stretched across the cavern of the car and
brought his hand to her chin. His strong fingers gently
forced her head around to face him. Her mouth was a thin
line and Mulder felt his throat go dry as he furiously
fought for something to say to her. "Scully...I'm sorry
about Emily, but..."

"It was never meant to be, Mulder." The stoic Scully
returned and the light turned green. She drove on and
seemed as though the last two minutes had never happened.
But Mulder knew they had. He had evidence. His hand had
left Scully's face but now rested on her knee. She'd made
no move to chastise him or tell him to move it. Mulder
decided this was an opening.

"Don't shut me out."

Her jaw set.

"Don't shut you out? What have you been doing with me the
last few months, Mulder?"

His eyes narrowed. He moved his hand back and crossed his
arms over his chest.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Her eyes flicked to her right to stare at him in
disbelief, then returned to the road within an instant.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Fox Mulder. You
scoff the things you once so devoutly believed and me for
giving them credibility." The words came quietly and not
in an accusing tone. "You've grown so distant from me of
late I don't even think I have a partner some days. I've
lost you too."

Mulder bit his lip as he realized the sad quality his
partner and friend's voice had taken on. "I suppose I
deserved that," he replied quietly. He'd become so unsure
of himself he'd allowed himself to be unsure of her, and
now he cursed himself inwardly. Unsure of Scully. That
had to top the list of things completely absurd. Mulder
stared out the front window of the car.

He mused that he'd become a prisoner of his own fears. He
had wanted to dump everything on the paranormal out of
his life - and in a demented way, that included Scully.
Talk about throwing the baby out with the bathwater. He
winced. /Wrong image./ Mulder thought back over all the
stupid, insensitive remarks he'd made to her over the
last months. His stomach twisted inside his chest and he
coughed. Scully sighed next to him.

/Scully's not the problem, you jerk./

Mulder tightened his arms around his torso. /I'm the
problem./ His career was spent chasing after little gray
men and shadow conspiracies. For what? To find his sister
or to find himself? The answer was immaterial. In his
quest for the truth he'd found nothing and only managed
to lose himself further. Now he sat looking across the
abyss of his life wondering whether to stay his course or
jump into oblivion. Scully's soothing voice pulled him
back from the edge.

"I'm sorry, Mulder. Let's not talk about this. It's
making us both uncomfortable and I'd really rather just
relax and enjoy your company." Scully braked the car as
they came to another stoplight. She faced him and moved
her hand to his knee. He turned to face her and covered
her tiny hand with his. Their eyes locked, but the light
turned green and Scully turned her attention back to the
worrisome DC traffic.


AT A BARBEQUE JOINT IN GEORGETOWN...

Mulder stared at the white foam at the top of his beer.
Occasionally a bubble would burst and then disappear into
the rest of the foam. He identified with the bubbles.
After a long while he brought his eyes up over his barely-
touched meal to meet Scully's gaze. He knew she'd been
staring at him the whole time. He was just hoping one of
those bubbles would tell him what to say.

"Are you finding truth in a bottle, Mulder? Or a beer mug
in this case?" She gave him a tight, thin smile that
looked more like pain than mirth to him, and he was sure
it felt that way to Scully. He sighed and then barked a
small laugh.

"The truth, Scully? There is no truth, only lies." His
voice was bitter and then he realized what he'd said,
"Scully, I..."

"Mulder, I can't tell you I know what you're going
through, because I don't. I'd like to talk with you about
it, but you've closed yourself off from me. I mean, we're
sitting here, mere feet from one another, and yet I feel
like you're a million miles away." She placed her palms
on the table and looked down at her hands.

Mulder mused at how young she looked despite all they'd
been through the last five years. She never wore much
make up and he could see the faint, girlish line of
freckles over her cheeks. Her red hair was tucked behind
her ears and one of her hands was fingering the paper
tube that had covered the straw that now rested in her
iced tea. Mulder dimly thought it was like looking back
in time - he could almost imagine what she looked like as
a child, or what a child of Dana's would look like.
Mulder swallowed hard.

"God, you must hate me," the words left his mouth in a
strangled whisper.

Scully's head snapped up, "What?"

"Scully, you've deserved so much more out of your life
than what's been given to you the last five years...hell,
more like what's been taken. Christ, I...Dana..." He
lifted his eyes to hers and pinned them. He noticed her
eyebrow raise at the use of her first name.

He trudged on, "All that's happened to you is my fault.
God, the day you found out you were in remission...it was
one of the happiest and saddest days of my life. I was so
ecstatic that I wasn't going to lose you, but then I
realized how selfish that was. I'm such a bastard, I've
always thought of you in terms of your connection to me
and not as a person who has a life, and wants and
needs...and well, shit. Look, I realized that day how
much pain I'd caused you with MY obsession and how unfair
it was that you got pulled along for the ride. I made up
my mind then and there I wasn't going to do that any
more, and God, I tried.

"I came to the conclusion that all of this garbage I was
chasing was just that, garbage, and not only was I
ruining my life chasing it, I was ruining yours as well.

"But you've always been your own person." He chuckled
lightly. "And somehow through this you opened your mind
to all the 'garbage' I was dismissing. It scared the hell
out of me, Scully. I don't want you to become me and I
don't want to hurt you more than I already have." His
voice quavered on unshed tears that he was only barely
able to keep back.

"You've lost as much, if not more than I have, thanks to
this ridiculous little quest and I don't want you to lose
any more...I can't bear the thought of..."

Mulder's hands now lay flat on the table, inches from
Scully's. She stretched her fingers over until they were
touching his and then slowly covered his hands with hers.
Transfixed, he watched her make the motion, and his words
died in his throat. Her girlish face had suddenly grown
quite serious and sad. She slid her small fingers around
his large palms and gripped his hands. He watched a small
tear trickle down her cheek.

"Shut up, you idiot."

XxX

Scully watched as Mulder's jaw went slack. There were
only a handful of times she'd been able to do that to her
partner, and she relished every single one of them. She
was less jubilant about this time though.

Pain and guilt hung about Mulder's lanky frame, and it
didn't suit him well. Scully DID feel pain about many of
the things that had happened to her over the last five
years - pain and anger.

But the feelings weren't directed at Mulder. Mulder had
suffered the same slings and arrows and more, all at the
hands of some nameless, faceless group that skulked down
the alleyways and through hidden chambers in cavernous
Washington, D.C. buildings. Those men cast as large a
shadow as the buildings they used to cloak their
skulduggery.

She composed herself and spoke softly to him, noting he
had to lean forward to hear her above the din of the
restaurant. "Mulder, how could you think I blame you for
anything that's happened to me? We may not know precisely
who is responsible for all of the things that have
happened to us, but I do know precisely it wasn't you.

"And I have to tell you, I'm not sure I want to carry the
burden you've saddled me with here. I really don't think
it's fair of you to make me feel guilty like that."

"What are you talking about, Scully?"

"Your crisis of faith, Mulder. You just said you didn't
believe in many of the things you have for so long, and
you said it was partially because you didn't want to ruin
my life..."

"Scully..."

"No, Mulder, let me finish. I have a question to ask you.
Who said I wanted you to decide what's best for me?" She
was still holding his hands but there was a hint of anger
in her voice - she'd made sure it was there. She had to
try to snap him out of this, end the illusion he had. She
hoped this was the right way to go about doing so.

She felt Mulder move his large hands from under her small
ones and thought that she'd blown it. Then he laced his
long fingers through her small, delicate ones. She didn't
protest.

"No one could ever tell you what to do, Scully. I just
didn't want to hurt you any more. I don't know what is
'best' for you, but this sure isn't. I thought if I took
myself away from all of this I'd stop hurting you, but I
couldn't seem to get far enough away from the X-Files or
from you to make a difference..."

"Who said you were hurting me, Mulder?" Now she made sure
her voice was gentle.

She watched as his eyes flicked up to hers then down
again. He looked so boyish, like he'd been caught doing
something he shouldn't, that she almost smiled. He
started to let go of her hands but she held fast to them
and his eyes came up to hers again.

"Dammit, Scully, don't try to tell me you weren't hurting
or that you aren't now."

"I'm not trying to tell you that, Mulder, but I'm not
accusing you of causing me pain either. I've had my
doubts about alien life, I still do, but I can tell you
with certainty I've never doubted you like this and it
hurts like hell that you doubt me."

"I don't doubt you, not now. I doubt me and everything
there is to do with me. I wonder if my entire life is
some made-up farce. That someone somewhere is having a
good time fooling with me, like I'm some damn sideshow
freak in a circus.

"For Christ's sake, Scully, I've been told that
everything I once believed was a lie and for awhile that
looked like the truth and now it doesn't and...What the
hell am I supposed to believe, Scully? I can't even trust
myself anymore to know what the truth is - the lies have
corrupted so much."

Scully fought the urge to rise out of her seat and take
Mulder in her arms. Looking into his face, she could see
he was falling apart and she felt helpless. She wished
she knew what it would take to put him back together
again. The lost little boy look had swept over him again
in a torrent. She could see in his face what twelve year
old Fox Mulder looked like.

Her hands trembled as she realized Mulder probably
resembled what his own little boy would look like. /And
what if he had your blue eyes...Don't go there./ Scully
tried to regain her composure but her hands began to
ache, and she felt hot, salty tears spill down her face.
/Breathe.../

Mulder jumped from where he was sitting and slid into the
booth seat beside her. She was glad they had gotten the
last booth in the place and she was facing the window, so
none of the patrons could really see them. She buried her
face in her hands as she felt Mulder pull her close to
him, and then she felt his breath close to her ear. She
shuddered slightly. Her chest was leaden.

"Shh. God, I'm sorry. You don't need to hear about my
screwed up life any more than..."

Scully elbowed him in the ribs and turned her tearstained
face to his.

"Mulder, it's not that, and not everything is about you,
OK?" She realized too late that was probably not the best
way to phrase it.

She felt his hand move from her shoulder to her chin. He
said nothing, but looked into her eyes. She was powerless
to take her eyes from his and it was making her really
uncomfortable because his eyes were begging to know what
had caused her to cry.

XxX

"Oh Mulder, you just looked like such a little boy just
then and I thought about what you looked like when you
were a child and then I thought about what YOUR child
would look like and it made me think of Emily and..."

Mulder watched her face as her voice caught on another
sob, and he pulled her closer.

He ran his hands up and down her back in a soothing
motion and he felt her relax slightly into him. He kissed
the top of her head and tamped down thoughts of taking it
further. Although at this point his mind was screaming:
"Why?"

What would it hurt, after all? They had so much taken
from them, didn't they have the right to comfort one
another, to be there for one another? They did that, but
Mulder also knew they loved one another too, and that was
the one thing that was never allowed to see the light of
day. They both kept it buried very deep, and that
suddenly made him very sad.

Mulder's mind wandered back to what Scully had said about
HIS child. He sighed. /The only way I'd have a child is
if...Oh God, I can't go there./ His brain did though, and
suddenly the vision of a red-haired girl with laughing
hazel eyes popped into his mind. He squeezed his eyes
shut and held Scully harder.

"Mulder?" Her voice was muffled against his shirt. He
backed away slightly and looked down into her face.

"Yeah, Scully?" He pushed a few loose strands of her hair
back behind her ear. He felt her shiver as he touched
her. He desperately wanted to kiss her, but this was not
the time or the place and he had no earthly idea how
she'd even react to such a gesture. He blinked a few
times and she spoke.

"I...I need to go clean up a bit, I'm sorry, I totally
came unglued. So much for relaxing and enjoying one
another's company..."

"Hey. None of that," he said quietly, "I'm glad we had
this talk, I mean, I know it hurt, but we do have a lot
out on the table now."

She nodded and he pushed away from her to let her out. He
stood next to the table and as she got up she stood on
tip toe and kissed his cheek as she whispered, "Thanks,
Mulder."

His jaw dropped for the second time that day as his eyes
followed her receding back towards the ladies' room.

XxX


The second that Scully entered the ladies', she realized
she'd left her purse in the booth. She swore under her
breath, because she really needed the makeup in it to
mask her blotchy face. /I'll have to go back out.../

She saw that Mulder was sitting back in the booth, gazing
out the window, hand lightly fingering where she'd
dropped the kiss. She couldn't help smiling. Then her
smile died. A few booths away, a young woman was being
greeted by her friends. She was wheeling a little boy in
a stroller. A gorgeous one year old with an even more
gorgeous grin, lapping up the attention as he sucked and
bit on a cloth clown.

Scully felt her heart thud and her lungs hurt again.
/Children. Oh God... I can deal with this. I can't fall
apart again. Mulder needs my help. They'll disappear into
their booth and me into mine, and out of sight, out of
mind./

A fragment of conversation drifted over from the laughing
mother. "- to see you too! I just have to go feed him,
then he'll be even more of a charmer and let us have a
scream-free lunch!"

"Okay, Mol!"

/Oh God, she's going to come over here - to the baby
change rooms.../ They were right next door to the ladies.
Scully watched, hypnotized, as the woman had to wheel the
stroller around a table of eaters, close to Mulder. He
didn't notice, staring out the window.

Then the little black-haired boy threw his clown away. It
sailed into the booth and whacked Mulder on the chest.
Scully saw him jump, startled.

"Oh, I'm sorry! Owen, why are you throwing Beanie away?"

Scully watched, unable to look away. Mulder didn't see
her standing there. He blinked and gazed at the clown
splayed out on the tabletop. Somehow Beanie had missed
his beer, but swandived into some sauce.

Mulder looked up at the mother and down to the child, and
Dana saw alarm in his face. /Probably hoping they're gone
by the time I get back./ And suddenly she saw sadness.
She felt the emotion as surely as Mulder's face
registered it. He picked up the toy.

"Not a problem. It's - Beanie's? - got some sauce on him
though. I think I can get it off..." He slid out of the
booth and walked towards them, scrubbing at the clown's
bandy torso with a napkin he'd dipped in his water glass.

Mol smiled at him. "Beanie's got worse than sauce on him.
I think he's saturated ten times over with drool."

Mulder squatted down in front of Owen, still wiping at
the toy. "You've got a good arm there, fella. Make a good
pitcher. Or a three pointer for the Knicks. But I think
this sauce might be a little hot and spicy for you."

Scully had come nearer during this exchange. Owen peered
at her partner closely, weighing him up. She could see
the expressions of both Mulder and toddler because they
were in profile to where she was standing.

Mulder smiled at Owen, then began to pull a face for him.
/The Mr. Potato Face.../ Pain shot through Scully, and
she saw the same memory hit her partner, as he abruptly
ceased the facial gymnastics. He looked down,
concentrating fiercely on the toy. She knew if he looked
up, there would be tears in his eyes.

Mol was fussing around with the diaper bag on the back of
the stroller, so didn't notice anything amiss. Scully saw
how taken Owen was with him. She saw longing in Mulder's
face. Naked longing. Legs trembling, she edged around
behind his back towards the booth. She had to sit down.

She felt the hard wood of the booth below shoring her up,
yet she trembled all over. She wrapped her arms around
her body, willing the dull ache she felt in them to go
away. She squeezed her eyes shut and then forced them
back open to the scene before her.

Mulder collected himself and reached out to gently stroke
the boy's cheek, tickling under his chin gently. The baby
giggled in delight.

Mol finished securing the bag and was ready to go. "Do
you have children?"

Mulder stood up, staring at the doll, rubbing harder at
it. "I can't... I can't..." he stammered.

Scully caught her breath, almost as a moan of pain.
/Can't what? Can't get the stain off Beanie? Can't
discuss this? Can't have children?/

He whispered the rest of the sentence - she couldn't
catch it.

/Oh God, is he infertile too, or...does he mean...us?/

XxX


END PART TWO OF SIX

<The whole story is available on Crash's webpage:>
http://www.geocities/com/Area51/Lair/4832

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TITLE: "Wanderlust" (3/6) ****NC-17**** for very adult situations
BY: Crash and Ten
E-MAIL ADDRESSES: crashed52@hotmail.com and
kristena@ocean.com.au
Disclaimer in Part One


"I can't...I can't have children. My partner and I can't
have children," he clarified more softly, handing the toy
back with a shaking hand.

His stomach became rock. Those thoughts of seeing Scully
with children... He'd ached because of the loss to her -
but there was more to it than that. THEIR loss. His
chance to become a father. He'd shoved it aside
subconsciously as a selfish feeling, disregarded his
heartbreak, channeled the anger into and against the X-
Files.

The revelation came like an earthquake. This disillusion,
the depression. It wasn't just the loss of his belief in
UFO's. It was his grief for them both as parents.

/I hope Emily was ours. I have a feeling she was... I
couldn't bear if she was someone else's.../

"I'm sorry..." the young mother said, her face a genuine
expression of sympathy. She stammered for something else
to say as she put Beanie back in with his master, but
then junior began issuing quite a smell which needed
immediate attention. "Excuse me," she said apologetically
and wheeled the stroller into the change rooms.

Mulder watched her go, arms slack at his sides. He hoped
they were safely hidden in the change rooms before Scully
resurfaced.

He thought of his father reading the Viking tales to him.
/I wanted to do that. I want to do that... Why did I
leave all those ova there? Why didn't I ask a Kurt for a
freezer bag... How stupid was it to carry only one vial
out, and in my pocket? Heat killed the ova...stopped it
being viable./ He remembered his gut felt it had been
punched when the Gunmen finished checking the vial and
gently gave him the bad news. Mulder knew he hadn't been
thinking straight while in the clinic, that his focus was
on Scully's cancer cure and not children...but still...
/Our kids... Our only chance.../

He did want children. Before Scully told him she had
cancer, before he found out about her sterility, he'd
always thought that at the end of this long path there
would be Samantha, as well as a nice little town
somewhere that would welcome Scully and him as they
settled down away from the rat race and produced uber-
babies. The desire came up in his daydreams every so
often when he thought it safe to indulge in castle-
building, then was moved to one side with resigned pangs
as he'd get the next case or call from an informant. But
not after he knew about the cancer. He'd shoved it aside,
shoved aside everything apart from trying to save her.
He'd taken non-conspiracy cases on to keep her working,
keep her busy, as normal as possible, respecting her,
while he put in the nights gathering more information and
tracking down leads to find her cure.

/I can't break down. Not here. I have to help Scully. I
can't drag my feelings into this. I've got to stop
thinking that it's all about ME./

He turned back to the booth, hoping to use its shelter to
collect himself, only to find Scully sitting in it,
watching him, looking even sadder than when she'd left.

XxX

If his words earlier hadn't been an indication, Mulder's
face was a clear sign. Scully could tell he was deeply
disturbed about seeing that child. She desperately wished
she'd heard all of what he'd said to the mother.

The words she had heard kept playing over and over in her
head.

/I can't...I can't.../

"Scully...when did you get back here?"

Scully shook her thoughts from her head, ignored her
aching arms and lungs, and looked up at him. "Just a bit
ago. You seemed kind of busy there," she said without
much emotion.

Mulder's face twisted and her insides did the same. He
sat back down across from her in the booth. He picked up
her hand lying on the table and began worrying her
fingers in his, consistently running his thumb over the
delicate bones of her hand. It eased the ache, or at
least took her mind off it. He wouldn't look up.

"Mulder, what is it?"

"It bothers you, doesn't it? Seeing children. I mean, I
know you wanted a family and well..." he trailed off and
turned his head. He abruptly dropped her hand and ran his
own through his hair in a familiar frustrated gesture as
she stayed silent.

Then he did the one thing she couldn't argue with -
quoted her own words back at her: "I can't tell you I
know what you're going through, because I don't. I'm here
to talk about it if you want, but you've closed yourself
off from me. You're a million miles away."

/Damn. He's got me./ "Mulder. I'm sterile. I could adopt,
certainly, but yes, I wanted to have children of my own
and yeah, it bothers me. I think I'm entitled to be
bothered..."

His head snapped up and his eyes flashed angrily at her,
"It's not like I can have children now either!"

Scully's eyebrow arched up her forehead and her mouth
formed a thin, taut line. She crossed her arms over her
chest, daring him to explain himself.

He brought his fist down on the table and swore under his
breath. "I...I'm sorry. I..."

"Mulder, no one is blaming you for my sterility. I was
just trying to tell you I am angry about it. But I'm not
angry with you...what do you mean you can't have
children?" she blurted out suddenly. Fear crept into her
voice. /Have they done something to him too?/

"I just meant...I mean it's not like there's anyone...I
just don't think - given my current position - that I can
be a father."

He looked at her. She saw a lot of pain in his eyes and
he suddenly rose. "Let's get out of here, Scully," he
offered her his hand and she took it, allowing him to
pull her up as she grabbed her purse. She put it in the
pocket of her jacket.

"We've both had a little too much sadness here," he said,
forcing a smile. "Let's get outside and have some fun."

XxX

The bright sun hit Mulder's face, and he pulled his
sunglasses from where they were clipped to his shirt. He
slid them up his long nose and shortened his long strides
so Scully could keep up. He placed his hand at the small
of her back to guide her up next to him. Scully smiled.

Mulder returned her smile brightly, but his thoughts were
dark. /You almost blew it back there, Spooky./ He was
kicking himself for almost telling Scully he wanted to be
the father of her children. /Selfish bastard. Like she
should even care I feel her loss. I caused it, for
crissakes./ He sucked his bottom lip in and jammed his
hands deep into his pockets.

/How dumb was that? Thinking that she would be able to
read my mind, understand my pain...even though I've only
just realized why myself. Geez. And Oxford gave me a
Doctorate... Why be angry at her? How irrational can I
get? Then again...there is NOTHING rational about this
scenario./

Mulder felt small, which was an amazing feat around his
petite partner, so he slumped to make himself smaller and
watched his feet as they walked. He dimly wondered what
Scully would think of him if she knew his secret fantasy.
If she knew he wanted nothing more than to sire her some
children and live some sort of mundane life with her in a
quiet little neighborhood. /She'd probably laugh like
hell./

And Mulder had to admit to himself the whole idea of them
married was a bit far-fetched. Scully was the only woman
he'd been close to in five years. Kristen didn't count.
Or his stupid angst over that 'soulmate'. Yet, he still
called Dana by her last name. He loved her like no other
woman he'd ever been involved with. Yet he'd never told
her that or so many other things about him and his life.
He spent long nights on his leather sofa fantasizing
about what it would be like to touch her, kiss her, make
love to her. Yet he felt guilty when he allowed himself
the pleasure of guiding her through a doorway out of some
backward chivalry that the 90's hadn't quite knocked out
of him yet. He sighed heavily. /Jenny kissed me.../ Then
he felt her light hand wind its way around his arm.

"Dana?" he said. The name just slipped out.

Scully's eyebrow arched up at him and she smiled. "Fox?"
Her answer was low and throaty, and it made him feel weak
in the knees.

"I...I never call you that. Five years together, Scully,
and I still call you by your last name."

"Well, it's only fair. You won't let me call you by your
first name," she said, chuckling.

"I want you to call me Mulder at work. But when we're not
FBI agents, like now, you can call me Fox...just don't do
it a lot," he said, laughing.

Scully stopped walking and jerked back on his arm. Mulder
stumbled a bit and then was facing her. "Are you saying
there are going to be more times like this?" she asked
seriously.

Mulder coughed. "Uh...well...I..."

"Mulder...Fox," she corrected, "I'd like that."

"Then that's what I'm saying," he said, with a toothy
grin spreading across his face. "But you can only call me
Fox as long as your arm's linked with mine." He chuckled,
turning. He proffered his arm as he spun and she linked
with him again.

"OK, that's the only time you can call me Dana as well."

They both laughed and fell into a light discussion about
his Viking book. Mulder explained how his Dad would read
the stories to him and how he'd have vivid dreams about
sailing on the high seas, dressing in heavy furs and
plundering villages. He noted Scully choked back a laugh
at that revelation.

They rounded a corner and Mulder almost tripped. Just a
few doors down from them was a store that he'd had many
unpure thoughts about. It was an adult shop. He'd stood
outside its windows many times, staring at the wares they
found tame enough to put on display in the window. Just
another in a litany of places and things that led him to
less than partnerly thoughts about the redhead at his
side.

"Well look, Mulder! Pleasure Purveyors. Do they stock
those videos you're so fond of?"

"Wouldn't know. I've never been in."

"Liar. I bet you've been in this place at least a dozen
times."

"Scouts honor, Scully. I get all my stuff by mail order.
So what about you, you ever sample their wares?"

"NO!" she said with a large measure of indignity.

Mulder laughed at the blush creeping across her face and
pulled her up to the window. "Aw c'mon, Scully, are you
trying to tell me you've never once bought a," He turned
to the window and selected an object at random, "set of
love cuffs?"

XxX

"I already have a perfectly good pair of handcuffs,
Mulder!" Scully blushed as a passing man laughed at that,
then she grinned too.

"These don't chafe as much... Velvet lining," Mulder
explained with a totally innocent look.

"Really?"

"Well, so it seems on the videos... Seriously, Scully,
I've seen an ad that says this isn't your usual dungeon
hideaway adult shop. It's run by women for women, but men
are just as welcome."

If that was the case... "You really want to go in?"

He nodded. "I need a hobby, remember?" he joked.

Dana studied his face and saw a healthy dose of two
expressions she thought her partner had abandoned along
with his UFO convictions: namely, animation and
curiosity. There was a light in his eyes again. /Okay, if
this is what it's gonna take, why not? I'm curious too.
It might be fun - and God knows we both need some fun./

"So let's go in."

She had the satisfaction of seeing his jaw drop further
than she'd ever made it go.

"Really?" he spluttered.

She put her arm around his waist. "Yeah, Fox." She
thought any form of touching would let her get away with
his first name now, not just arm-linking. "Let me tell
you about birds, bees and educated MD's... Come on." And
she pulled him to the door of the shop.

Scully was pleasantly surprised with her first
impressions of the interior. The shop was a bright,
medium-sized room, sectioned off into various areas. The
woman behind the counter was talking on the phone, but
gave them a pleasant smile. Not leering. She was wearing
a stylish business suit jacket and skirt instead of
leather or something low-cut. Scully could see only one
other couple apart from them in the shop, over by a vase
of dyed ostrich feathers, apparently choosing a sexy
color.

"Where do we begin?" Mulder asked.

Scully relaxed her hold on him, suddenly shy about being
seen in a place that would mistake them as lovers. /Dana,
they're going to mistake us as lovers in here whether or
not we're cozying up together! People mistake us for
lovers all the time - even on duty. Maybe the rest of the
world is smarter than us.../ Mulder's arm was still
firmly around her though. She looked down at it and
raised an eyebrow.

"I intend to call you Dana a lot. And we're off duty," he
explained.

She was about to reply, but her gaze was caught by some
products on a shelf. "I had no idea that lip balm could
be so...versatile..."

Mulder studied the labels. "Indeed... Body sauce, edible
undies... Gee, what sort of appetite are they
satisfying?"

She elbowed him in the ribs. He gave her a pained look.
"You break 'em, you buy 'em. Or at least tend to them."
More studying of the shelves. "More food! Hey look,
chocolate pe-"

Before he could get the word out, Dana said, "That's fair
enough. One of my grand aunts used to say 'A man only
thinks with his stomach and what's attached to it!'"

When Mulder recovered from cracking up, they moved on to
the next display, a revolving rack of temporary tattoos.
Scully felt Mulder tense up as he studied them in silence
for a second, then he turned his attention to the next
display.

"Candles - hey, you've got a thing for candles, haven't
you?" he asked quickly, moving towards them.

"Mulder - Fox..." She tugged at his waist to still him.
He turned back, still in her grip, but didn't look
directly at her.

"I - I had it removed. Several months ago."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I do want a tattoo, but not that one. Not what it
ended up marking and representing. So I got rid of it."

He looked like he wanted to say something and Scully
wasn't sure if she wanted to hear it or not. To her
relief, he only said, "Let's look at these candles."

Her gaze was caught by a box full of cream and black
stubby candles that promised to be full of wondrously
arousing scents, and she bent down to look and smell, but
a tug from Mulder stopped her. "Look at them!"

'Them' was right. There was a shelf of sculptured
candles, beautifully realistic, of couples...coupling.
Vertically. The wick was coming out of the man's head.

"You love candles, Dana. But they're all so plain. Why
don't you have one like that?"

"Because I know you have keys to my apartment, that's
why!"

"So the straight candles are part of your image?"

"For your information, I might have one of these hidden
away for special moments."

His gaze met hers full on. "Which one do you like the
best?"

She couldn't speak. He probably thought she was
embarrassed. Aroused, more like it. Those eyes, those
depths...

He carefully reached up and pulled one down. "The couple
in this look very happy. You should have one of these. My
treat." He let go of her and she watched him carry it
over to the counter. He showed it to the saleslady. "Can
I leave this here while we look around? We might find
more to buy."

"Of course. Those candles are very popular. A lot of
people say they'll never light them."

Dana wanted his hands on her, not the candle. And when he
returned to the shelf, that's exactly what he did. "What
now, G-woman?" he whispered in her hair.

"Let's see the big guns." Scully hauled him into the Over
Legal Age section before she could chicken out. A
bookcase of videos, several shelving displays of
vibrators and dildos, leather wear... "Here are the
videos..." she said faintly, overwhelmed.

"Hmmm..." He started examining titles.

Dana's gaze was nailed by the vibrators. /Look somewhere
else!/ her brain screamed. She already had one, after
all. Bought at one of those parties Ellen had hosted a
few years ago, amidst much giggling and squealing. She'd
bought that one specifically because it reminded her
of... She'd dubbed it "Mulder". Her neighbors probably
thought she was having an affair with her partner, but
she just couldn't help calling his name when she and "he"
got down to it...

Well, if she'd wanted to be distracted from her
barrenness, this place was succeeding in spades.

XxX

"Hey, Dana, these vids are interesting. They were written
with women in mind, by women. I must have a look at one
someday - for purely academic reasons, of course." He
grinned, then noticed she seemed flushed and distracted.

"You okay?" He traced her eyeline to the vibrator
shelves.

She muttered something and he asked her to repeat it.

"They're hardly lifesized!"

Mulder couldn't make up his mind whether she was offended
as a doctor or a woman, or just amused. "The corpses you
get to see aren't exactly in the best state of
presentation, you know!" /Whoops, way to go. Put a
floodlight onto her lack of love life./

She gave him a laser look. "I'm referring to the times
I've seen YOU naked!"

"Oh." He didn't know where to look. Or what to think.
/They don't compare to me - I don't compare to them... NO
guy could compare to them. But if she doesn't think I.../

She cracked up.

He sniffed. "Okay, we're even for the candles."

She flashed a victory smile and moved away to peer at a
French tickler.

"Looks like a sea anemone," he commented.

"If that ever came out in the bedroom, I'd become
frenzied with laughter, not passion."

/I'll make a note of that./

Then they came to a display of protective gear.

"Examination gloves," Scully remarked. "Well, that's one
thing to strike off the list. I've got plenty of those to
snap on."

"List? Just what are we shopping for here?"

"Impulse items."

/I like the sound of that./

They had another look at the shelf.

Condoms. Ordinary, ribbed, studded...

"Scully, you ever try ribbed condoms?" The second the
question left his mouth, panic hit him. /Idiot! Not only
is that a very deadly and personal question, but you
don't really wanna know her past sexual history - namely
because you're not in it and you want to shoot any guy
who's ever had his hands on her - and will condoms make
her think about children?/

But the end result of her startled stare was a huge grin.
"No, as a matter of fact, I haven't. What are they like?"

"Ah, well..."

She shrugged and picked up a box of them, then went out
to the counter and placed them next to the candle. He
remained at the entrance to the section, gaping at her,
and thought he heard her say to the saleslady, "These
will be interesting to try." He thought the saleslady
replied: "I'd just like to try HIM!"

Dana came back towards him, then her attention diverted
to an array of clothes. "Look at these!"

"In the case of that negligee, there ain't much to look
at." He followed her, glad to get out of that other
section - the climate control in there must have been
malfunctioning because it was very stuffy.

Mischievously she held up a loincloth. "Something to
sleep in, Mulder?"

He shook his head. "The only thing I have on in bed is
the radio."

"Care to tune me into it?" a female customer asked,
giving him a hot look, heading past them into the video
section.

He knew if he followed her in, within two seconds he'd
have her phone number emblazoned across his forehead in
red lipstick, but that wasn't an option. Besides, even
before she spoke, Scully's reaction to his comment had
him mesmerized. She was staring at him, and boy, had her
breathing quickened. She blinked and put the loincloth
back.

"Nothing else?" she asked huskily.

"No." /Omigod, she's thinking of me like that. And...she
LIKES the idea! I hope one of these aromatherapy
aphrodisiacs doubles as smelling salts, because I'm going
to need them in a second./

They were standing over on opposite sides of a clothing
rack, a safe distance between their reactions. /If I went
and put my arm around her now... It won't be the same as
we were just a few minutes ago. We've crossed a line./

"On the road?" she asked.

/Hey, we can do it anywhere you like - the road, the back
of a Taurus... Oh./ "When we're on a case I always wear
my boxers at least. As you can probably remember from all
the times I've burst in on you with an idea or when one
of us has had a nightmare... Courtesy."

"No need to be polite on my account..." she murmured. "I
always thought..."

"What?"

"That you WERE the sort who would sleep naked. Back to
nature..."

"Nature? In space no one can hear you scream, and in the
woods no one can hear you coming. So, you mean you think
of me - of what I wear, or don't - in bed?" /Why AM I
asking this?/

"Oh, look at this outfit..."

He'd pushed too hard - her chest was rising and falling
as if he was making her sprint. But he did have his
answer. She didn't JUST think about him in that sort of
way...she fantasized? He hastily turned his focus to the
outfit, hoping it was the equivalent of a torrent of cold
water. Ha. A teeny bikini set made of little gold coins,
like a bellydancer might wear. "Um, there's certainly
enough room for everything to fit OUT of it..."

"True."

/So, are you suggesting that if I sleep naked on the next
case, that you'll wear that? The gold would look great
against your hair and skin./ He wanted to carry it to the
counter. He didn't quite dare. He stared from her to the
outfit and back again. So did she.

"Let's have a look at the book section," Scully
suggested, and he hastily agreed. At least with books
they couldn't say "That would look great on you...or
hanging off you."

There were a wide variety of sections. Books about
finding the right partner in whatever sort of
relationship, how to keep them, erotic art, alternate
sex, positions, outercourse, hot novels, humor,
everything. Mulder spotted a shelf full of books on
sterility. /Was I thinking we can avoid it - hide away
from all the kids in the world for the rest of our lives?
If I show her these books, will it upset her or help her?
Could these books help ME?/ He glanced over to where
Scully was reading the back of a romance novel.

She put it down and moved towards him. Then he saw her
eye get caught by a book title. He wasn't 100% sure, but
he thought she was looking directly at "Women Who Love
Too Much". Then she smiled and turned back to stand next
to him. He didn't dare put his arm around her, even
though he ached to. To his relief, her arm stole around
his waist, and his automatically responded.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Feels like a waist to me..." She lightly tickled his
side.

/Sometimes I do feel like a waste.../ "I mean back
there."

"Just saw something amusing. Something I don't need."

/You're not in love with me that much? But that book -
I'm not sure, but isn't that when a woman feels she lets
the guy get away with too much that isn't good for her
because she loves him too much to put her foot down? Or
is she thinking that 'too much' is a dumb term? God, I'm
confused./

He picked up a book at random. A version of the Kama
Sutra. With the poses done in photos by models. He went
to put it back down.

"Open it." Scully had that intrigued look on her face.

He did so, at random. The pose before their eyes left him
wondering whether he was holding the book the right way
up.

"You ever done that?" she asked.

"No." /But it's looking better and better./

XxX


END PART THREE OF SIX

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TITLE: "Wanderlust" (4/6) ****NC-17**** for very adult situations
BY: Crash and Ten
E-MAIL ADDRESSES: crashed52@hotmail.com and
kristena@ocean.com.au
Disclaimer in Part One


She didn't know if she was teasing Mulder or not. "Open
to another one." He obeyed her. Were his hands shaking?

The Position of the Wife of Indra. 'Suitable for the
highest possible congress.' The man was kneeling, the
woman was on her back, with her legs bent, feet resting
against his torso.

"You work out, don't you, Scully?" Mulder suddenly said.
Very softly.

/God, I want THAT workout! Fox in the hole... DANA! I'd
be small and flexible enough to tuck up against him like
that, with him in -/ "Let's buy it," she found herself
saying. "I mean - a copy each! Otherwise, we'll wear this
one out staring at it."

"There's only one left." His voice was like an
unconscious caress over her skin.

"We'll share it then - until another copy is ordered in."
/I hope I sound practical...because I really don't want
anything except him. Too bad he wasn't for sale. If there
was a price tag on him, I'd snap him up in a second./ She
thought for a moment. /There IS a price tag on loving
him, choosing to stand beside him. A very high one./

"Okay," Mulder agreed, closing the book and heading for
the counter. He saw her hesitation and stopped. "Dana?"

"Yes. Yes, it is okay."

Mulder stood there blinking at her. /Oh God. I hate it
when he does that. He looks positively...Don't go there./
Scully knew she had to get them out of there. She felt
like her body was electrified and only Mulder would
ground her.

/Preferably against his hips.../

"Are you hungry?" she blurted out. His eyes widened and
she turned crimson. She meant no double entendre, but
given their situation, she could see why he thought what
he did. "I mean, we barely touched our lunches. Mom
brought over some turkey lasagna the other night and
there's more than enough for both of us." /Please say
yes./

His eyes were so soft and she felt the electricity jump
up another notch. /We have to get out of here. Or is the
place really to blame, Dana? Get real, you've been having
hot dreams about ol' Spooky here for quite some time.
You're just REALLY close to realizing them here./

Mulder reached over and stroked her arm and she nearly
jumped out of her skin. "Sure, Dana. I'd like that."

XxX

Mulder watched as Scully once again deftly manuevered the
car through thick traffic. But something was wrong and
had been since she'd invited him to have dinner with her.
She was painfully quiet. All through their sordid tour of
the adult shop she'd been quite loquacious, teasing him
even. He'd really liked it. But suddenly she was
withdrawn and chewing on her bottom lip. /What happened?/

He'd been stunned when she suggested they buy that book
"together." His mind was marveling over what that could
mean. And even after he'd made the remark about her
"working out" she hadn't pulled back, in fact she invited
him to her place for dinner. /Get lucid, Spooky, Dana's
hardly the 'your place or mine' kind of girl./

But there had been definite signs in that shop. He knew
she loved him and he was hopelessly in love with her.
Almost every little reaction in that shop had suggested
they both might want to take things in an "un-partnerly"
direction. So why now was she suddenly withdrawing from
him? /Did I do something? Have I pushed too hard and
she's just being overaccomodating to me once again?/

"Scully?"

She jumped and sputtered, "Yeah, Mulder?"

/Oh way to go. It's been Dana all afternoon and now
suddenly you've lapsed into formality.../

"Dana...you OK?" he asked, reaching over and touching her
shoulder. He let his fingers rest there. She drew in a
sharp breath, but then seemed to relax.

"Yeah Mul...Fox. I'm fine."

/Oh God. She's fine./

"Do you know how much I hate those two words coming from
your mouth?"

The traffic light turned red and she stopped the car. She
reluctantly turned to face him. "What?"

"'I'm fine'. It means anything but when you say it, Dana.
Did I say or do something in the store to upset you?"

Her face looked blank and confused. He noted it had the
same look she reserved for puzzling over a new strain of
alien virus on some corpse he'd forced her to autopsy.
/So what's she trying to figure out here? Is she scared I
now expect something from her?/

"Nnno. I'm sorry. My mind was just wandering. I hate all
this traffic."

"Dana, you don't have to take me home and fix me dinner.
I can cook for myself and if you'd rather be alone, I
don't want to..."

"Fox," she pinned him with her eyes, "Nonsense. I WANT to
have dinner with you and I've seen how you cook for
yourself. Sweet and sour bologna CAN'T have any
nutritional value, OK?" She laughed at her own joke and
he chuckled along with her. The light turned green and
she turned her attention back to the road, but not before
placing a reassuring hand on his knee. He felt like
someone had shocked him.

XxX

Scully was fumbling with her keys and a million thoughts
were racing through her head. /God, I can't believe I'm
even thinking this./ She supposed she was sunk from the
moment they walked into that adult shop. There wasn't
going to be any turning back now. But still, dozens of
bad thoughts were running through her head.

After all, Dana Katherine Scully was a good Catholic
girl. She was a doctor and respected as one of the FBI's
top pathologists and instructors. Sure, she'd gotten a
tattoo and almost had a one night stand...well the tattoo
was gone and her near fall from grace wasn't a complete
one. But here she was, on the precipice again, ready to
jump in with both feet.

But this wasn't a one night stand.

She was actually wanting her partner. Completely,
unabashedly. For tonight and for every other night to
follow. /Smooth Dana. Invite him to dinner so you can
seduce him. You don't have the first clue how to go about
that./ The whole thing went against everything she'd ever
believed about herself. She actually wanted to throw
caution to the wind and break a whole lot of rules.
/Remember that price tag./

But it wasn't just that tumbling into bed with her
partner was risky. She was troubled over what would
happen if they allowed this relationship to blossom. What
would happen with their careers? How would they handle
it? What would they do if the Bureau or, worse, the
Consortium found out? But one fact was drowning all of
the others out. /I can't pretend I don't love him any
more. I can't go on living this lie./

She managed to get the door open, and she and Mulder made
their way into the apartment. He shrugged out of his
jacket and gently placed his shoulder holster on her
coffee table. He plopped down on the sofa and went
immediately for the remote, channel surfing with the
efficiency of a pro. She smiled and sighed a little at
her own weakness for this brown-haired monster invading
her living room.

"Make yourself at home." She chuckled.

"Mmmhmm." He was already completely engrossed in a
science fiction movie on the Sci-Fi channel.

She set their purchases down on the coffee table as well
as her own gun and headed for the kitchen. "Would you
like something to drink?"

Mulder looked in her direction and smiled. "Nope, I'm
good. Uh, can I help with anything in the kitchen?"

"I don't think so, Mulder," she said, laughing. She
laughed harder when he looked relieved. She turned to the
refrigerator and pulled out the lasagna and popped it
into the oven. She located the lettuce and some veggies
and began to prepare a salad. The last few hours she had
been so distracted she hadn't thought about food, but now
it was looking good. When she paused in chopping the
carrots, she heard a paper bag rustling in the living
room over the sound of laser rays.

Scully turned her head to see Mulder intensely
scrutinizing their purchases. He turned the box of ribbed
condoms over in his hands several times as he chewed on
his bottom lip. She felt her own breathing quicken and
she had to choke back a groan when he put them down. Next
he picked up the candle and a broad grin crossed his full
lips. /What I wouldn't give to be that grin./ He put the
candle down and picked up the book - the grin became even
wider as he flipped from page to page. He wasn't looking
at her and didn't even know she was watching him. He
flipped over one page and his eyes got really wide.

Scully quickly finished the salad and stuck it back in
the fridge to keep cool while the lasagna finished
heating up. She headed back to the living room, making a
quick stop to make sure the table looked presentable for
company. She had set it for two that morning expecting
her mother for brunch, but after her mom canceled Scully
had just left on her outing without picking up the place
settings.

Mulder saw her coming and started to close the book.
"Now, now Mulder. I want to see what you've found that's
good enough to tear your attention away from 'Queen of
Outer Space'." /Is that a challenge in my voice?/ She
settled in next to him on the sofa. She got an eyeful of
page 64.

"Oh my..."

Mulder laughed, "Can't take the heat, Scully, stay IN the
kitchen. This recipe here's kinda spicy."

She slugged him playfully. "How do you know I haven't
tried that particular position?" She leered.

"Oh? Have you? Why don't you tell me how it works then,
Agent Scully? He leaned in just a bit too close. His
breath was hitting her lips and they opened of their own
accord. She began to lean forward towards him and the
phone rang. She blinked twice and then quickly got up and
walked around the sofa.

She picked the squawking phone up from its cradle on a
sofa table just behind the couch. "Hello."

"Dana, honey, it's Mom."

"Hi, Mom." /Perfect timing, Mother dear./

"I'm really sorry I couldn't come for lunch today. What
did you wind up doing?"

"Oh, it's OK, Mom. I went into town and ran into Mulder
so we had lunch. We wound up going to a bunch
of...bookshops." She pinned Mulder with her eyes,
threatening him to keep his mouth shut. He grinned evilly
at her. "He's here now, and we're going to finish off
that lasagna you brought over."

"Oh, good. Tell Fox I hope he likes it. So did you buy
any good books while you were shopping, dear?"

"Did I buy any good books..." She paused long enough for
Mulder to take his cue and hold up the Kama Sutra and
point wickedly at it. Scully flushed crimson and shot him
a glare. Mulder smiled even more broadly and spoke for
her.

"She found this really cool recipe book, Mrs.
Scully...and I can't wait for her to try the recipe on
page 64."

Scully picked a pillow up off the couch and throttled him
with it. Just then the oven's buzzer went off. "Mom, I've
got to go, the lasagna's ready. I'll call you tomorrow.
Bye now." She turned her gaze to Mulder, who was still
smiling wickedly. She tried very hard to be angry and
look angry, but then they both dissolved into laughter.

XxX

Mulder was glad Scully wasn't too angry with him. A few
empty threats but he'd managed to make her laugh, which
was a vast improvement over her earlier mood. She'd made
her way back to the kitchen and had just finished putting
the food on the table. He was hesitating to go over
because he was truly enjoying watching her move about in
her own home. She was comfortable here in her own
surroundings and Mulder wished he could see her looking
like she did at this moment more often.

"Queen of Outer Space" had just gone off, and a
commercial invaded the television's screen. It was one
for Ginsu knives and Mulder suddenly became interested.
He always thought the ads were so corny they were funny.
"Hey Scully, c'mere, it's the Ginsu knife commercial!"
She crossed the room to him and he regarded her
seriously, and did his best commercial announcer voice,
"It can cut a tin can in half!" They both cracked up.

Mulder stared at her eyes. He never could quite get over
her eyes. They said so much when she said so little with
her voice. He touched her hand and then held it. She
smiled at him. He stood up and tried not to feel awkward
towering over her in their close proximity. His eidetic
memory was reminding him they'd almost kissed just before
Maggie Scully's call. He wanted to finish what he'd
started.

He gently placed a hand on her cheek and stroked it
lightly. Their eyes were still locked. Scully looked at
him for a long moment as his head moved still closer to
hers...and then a squealing little girl on the television
quickly diverted her attention. Mulder held in a swear,
and then he practically had to catch Scully.

His eyes flicked to the screen and saw a four year old
blonde girl. She looked just like Emily. Scully was
trembling as she stared, her mouth agape at the screen.
Mulder placed his other hand on her cheek and pulled her
face around to look at him. He could see tears welling up
in her eyes. "Don't..." he said and then quickly let her
go long enough to fumble for the remote and click the
television off.

Scully turned away from him and started to walk away. He
rushed up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders.
She stopped. She was shaking. He moved his hands to her
waist and gently pulled her into him, placing a light
kiss in her hair.

"I'm sorry, Dana."

"It's not your fault..."

"I know, but it doesn't mean I can't care about how you
feel."

She spun in his arms to face him. "Mulder...Fox, that's
part of the problem. I don't even know how I feel. I...I
mean...she was my daughter and I felt pain at her loss,
but sometimes I wonder if it was enough...I know I can't
stop my life just because hers ended but sometimes I feel
like I haven't done enough to grieve her loss.

"I mean, God, I lost a child. But I barely knew her AS my
child...a few days... How am I supposed to feel? I mean,
I feel terrible, but I didn't...is it wrong to feel
ambivalent about her yet...oh, God I just don't..."

"I don't really think it's her loss you're grieving,
Dana. Yes, you're sad - she was your daughter, but you
didn't really know her. You never had a chance to form a
strong bond with her." He slid his hands back up to cup
her face and kept speaking.

"Most mothers get to carry their child for nine months.
Then go through birth. Feed and care for their baby. That
and all those nights of rocking and soothing to come
leads to the bonding. The father is out of the loop a
little until after the birth, then he gets to start
building up a connection with his child. Women who give
their children up for adoption have to go through the
carrying and the birth, the forming bond. Surrogates...a
lot distance themselves from it. 'This is not my child,
I'm the carrier.'"

Scully was silent, blank. Mulder took a deep breath and
continued, hoping he was helping. "Egg donors can be
anonymous and not know if they have children walking
around or not. I had a friend in high school - Justine -
she phones occasionally to catch up. Last time she told
me that she had given some of her eggs to a couple whom
she became friends with in Atlanta when she was traveling
last year. He could conceive, she was barren. Justine
said she would do it for them, but not for one of her
cousins, for example, because that would be too close for
her. But with those friends a distance away, she could
distance herself and see any children as theirs.

"But with Emily... There are no case studies for this
situation. I think you're really grieving the loss for
the chance to have more like her. And you're so confused
and guilty because society expects a mother to grieve a
certain way. But there is no right or wrong way in this."

Scully looked down and Mulder saw tears trickle down her
face. He saw her dawning realization. /God, hit the nail
on the head./ He sighed and pulled her in closer. He felt
her arms grip him tightly and her shoulders worked up and
down as she sobbed. He smoothed her hair and kissed the
top of her head again. He knew exactly how she felt. He'd
been grieving her loss as if it was his own. In his mind,
it was his own.

Deep down, Mulder did want children. But not just any
children. He wanted to father Scully's children. Granted
they could adopt. /That's making the huge assumption
she'd ever decide to share her life with you./ But it
wasn't quite the same as conceiving a child of their own.

"Scul...Dana. Look, I can't pretend that I know what
you're going through but I...this hurts me to see you
like this...I..."

He felt her slide her hands along the cotton of his shirt
and he stopped talking.

"You're right, that's what hurts the most. I wanted to
settle down eventually and have a family, like Bill. I
wanted to be a Mom and do all the things my Mom did for
me when I was a kid. I wanted to have a family and share
my life..."

She backed slightly away from him and gripped his
shoulders. She pinned him with her eyes. "What did you
mean in the restaurant this afternoon?"

"What?"

"You said it 'wasn't like I can have kids now either'.
What did you mean by that?"

"Dana..." he sucked in a sharp breath. /Just tell her.
What have you got to lose now?/ "Look, it's just that I
want kids too, but I never thought I'd actually get to
have them...I never wanted...with this quest... OK, if I
was going to have children, I'd want them to be yours.
I'd want you to be their mother. No one else." He blushed
and looked down until he felt a small, but very strong,
finger lift his chin up.

Her bottom lip was trembling and tears were falling in
earnest again. She cupped his face with her hands and
then kissed him ever so lightly on the lips. And then she
hugged him tightly. He wrapped his arms around her
tightly and rocked her a bit until her sobs and breathing
calmed. She slowly backed away from him and looked deep
into his eyes.

"I love you." She said it in barely a whisper.

"I love you too," he whispered back. His stomach let
loose with a loud growl. They both gaped at one another
and then laughed.

"On that note," she told him, "Dinner is getting cold."

XxX

Dinner was eaten with appetite in near-silence. They
spent a lot of the time studying each other, enjoying
being together with no paperwork in the way. No hiding
behind barriers. /Looking at the man who I know loves me.
He loves me!/

The dishes were done in the same manner. When they
finished, she noticed Mulder watching her, shifting
slightly on his feet. /He wants to know if he can stay./
Dana realized that whatever she asked of him tonight, he
would give, but he would not take advantage. The ball was
in her court. He would hold her with just as much love in
a fully-clothed embrace as in one of those Kama Sutra
positions.

"Mulder...can we...can we just - sit on the sofa and hold
each other for a while? I want to feel your arms around
me. I want to feel your heart and breathing against me."

She watched the change in his eyes, how they shone, and
marveled.

So they did. His t-shirt was warm against her cheek. His
heart was strong, if a little fast. His breathing was
content. His hands gently stroked her hair and back. Both
happy with this new level.

She dimly realized this was another thing that had made
her arms ache. Just like that child in the restaurant she
ached to hold, she had often ached to hold Mulder.
Certainly she didn't see him as a child, it wasn't that.
This ache was different. The void was altogether
different.

"Fox?"

"Hmmmm?" against her ear, raising the hairs on her neck.

"Thank you. What you said earlier -" She couldn't,
wouldn't raise her head to see his face. "About how and
why I'm grieving... You're right. I didn't think of it
like that. I was guilty and confused. I still am in a
way, but things are clearer. A weight's gone from me." It
still brought tears to her eyes, and Mulder held and
rocked her, whispering.

They were still holding eons later when Scully became
aware that Mulder was the one crying now, and rocked him,
taking over as he mourned their lost children. He tried
to stop, to pull himself together - Dana knew he was
trying not to upset her further - but he needed the
release as much as she did, and she told him so.

A while later Mulder suddenly began to talk. He kept his
face over her shoulder and haltingly began to explain the
reasons for his behavior over these months, what he had
realized today, his terror and guilt about giving her the
chip.

How he stayed in the X-Files in the hope of finding the
bastards who abducted her.

She reassured him over and over that it wasn't his fault.

His flow eased down to quiet phrases about having to
apologize to the Gunmen and something cryptic about her
loving him too much. She managed to get out of him that
he'd seen the book peeking out of an old stack on her end
table, and quickly reassured him that it was a title she
had once thought she needed but soon realized she didn't.
And especially now; she knew for sure that their love was
something special - not 'too much'.

They had both been damaged. But together they formed a
wholeness.

Sleep came. The dream came. The bench again. Talk about
children. This time it was different, more than memory,
crushing, frightened -

Mulder moved in his sleep, waking her. Dana scooted
closer to him, trying to clamp down on her rapid
breathing so she wouldn't disturb or alarm him. He
murmured and wrapped his arms more tightly around her.

Pain - she had felt real pain. /Oh God, please don't let
it be the abduction memories surfacing. Not now. Too
much.../ She let the knowledge that she was in Mulder's
arms comfort her. Gradually she calmed down.

Scully couldn't get back to sleep. She didn't really want
to anyway. She lay thinking for a while. Eventually her
thoughts turned to Emily. Her daughter had been doomed
from the start. Whatever the bastards had done to change
her body chemistry, she could not exist in society. But
if she had been anything else...she wouldn't have been
Emily...

A strange calm settled over her. Eventually she
reluctantly eased out of her partner's now slack embrace.
Quietly, with the still-lit lamps to guide her, she went
into her bedroom, turned on one lamp there and turned
down the sheets. She came back into the living room for
the adult shop candle, which she put beside the lamp with
a book of matches. /Should I rub the wax guy's butt for
luck?/ She moved their other purchases onto the bedside
stand as well.

Now to move the most important ingredient, whose legs
were currently sprawled off onto the floor because they
wouldn't fit on the upholstery.

She gently stroked his forehead. "Hey, partner."

"Hmmmmph?"

She grinned. "Let's go to bed."

That got the eyes open. "Huh?"

"Bed's more comfortable. Come on."

"Oh. Okay."

Scully nearly burst out laughing. His expression was
befuddled. He was obeying, but it was clear he had no
idea just what was in store for him - whether they were
just going to bed, or REALLY going to bed.

He saw the candle and the rest and turned to her with a
raised eyebrow.

"Your assessment of the evidence is correct, Agent
Mulder. I have every intention of trying to seduce you.
Now or later or in the morning. Whenever. I'm prepared to
be patient. To a degree."

Mulder took a deep breath. "Are you sure? That it's not
just because... We can wait, take our time..."

"Seducing you is NOT a new idea to my mind. I value the
truth, and I don't want to live a lie any longer. I want
us. This is about us; it's not a distraction or diversion
or a rash move."

"Well now... I'd better get a good seat - I certainly
wouldn't want to miss this!" His shoes had been kicked
off under the coffee table hours ago, so he just removed
his socks and climbed beneath the covers still in his t-
shirt and jeans. He sat up against the pillows and looked
at her expectantly. Waiting.

"Were you born in a barn? At least take your jeans off!"

"Oh, sorry - I thought you were going to do that for me."

"You're a big boy, Fox. That I do know."

He pouted. "Not according to you in the adult shop."

"I was making a comparison. I didn't say that I compared
you unfavorably."

He blinked, considered this, then fumbled around under
the covers.

"Besides, those jeans are so tight, I don't think I could
peel them off you. I don't have the patience. And if they
get stuck in your ankle holster, I'd scream." She watched
as his jeans were sent sailing across the room.

"Can't wear the holster with these jeans. Too tight." He
smirked.

"I kind of noticed - though more around your rear..."

Dana had to come close to him to reach the matches. Her
hand shook as she struck one and lit the candle wick.

"Nervous?" he worriedly asked.

"Excited," she replied, and set about proving it.


END PART FOUR OF SIX
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TITLE: "Wanderlust" (5/6) ****NC-17**** for very adult situations
BY: Crash and Ten
E-MAIL ADDRESSES: crashed52@hotmail.com and
kristena@ocean.com.au
Disclaimer in Part One


She toed her socks off and unbuttoned her own jeans,
blushing slightly. /I can't believe I'm doing this.../
She unzipped them slowly and pushed them down, stepping
out of them. She reveled in the feel of his eyes on the
light blue triangle of material revealed. "Nothing fancy.
Just cotton, sorry."

He shrugged. "I always wanted to go through your
underwear collection, Scully. But I much prefer doing so
while you're in them..."

Scully suddenly realized she wasn't wearing matching
underwear and felt mortified. For a second. /What am I
going on about? I hardly EVER wear matching underwear!
It's a romance cliche. HE'S not going to notice, and the
minute that I slip into his arms, I'm only gonna care
about him getting them off me ASAP!/

"Move over," she whispered.

He did. She crawled in next to him, into his embrace.

"Wanna neck?" His words were offset by the tender, almost
worshipful, look he was giving her.

"No - I want your whole damn body!" She leaned down
towards him in a world that had suddenly become very
small and silent. A world that was only them.

At last, their lips met without interruption. A tender,
exploring kiss: tasting, testing, reveling. Then more.
Mulder showered her face with quick little kisses that
got deeper and deeper and made her smile wider and wider
until she had to have his lips on hers again. Serious
necking ensued.

Again they held, but this time with the sensation of
their bare legs entwined, sliding up and down, their
hands roaming.

They rolled around under the covers, mouths locked,
tongues meeting. Lit by the lamp and the candlelight.

"What do you like, Dana? Where do you want to be touched?
What do you want?"

"I like your hands on me, Fox. Anything, as long as it's
you touching me..."

XxX

Mulder raked his hands through her hair. He pulled his
mouth from hers, bypassing her neck entirely as he pulled
her t-shirt up and engulfed her bra-clad breast. She gave
a short scream and writhed, grabbing her own shirt to
pull it off completely over her head and arms. Her elbow
accidentally hit his chin and they burst out laughing.
The shirt disappeared, and so did the cream bra in short
order. His mouth pulled nearly all of her breast in, then
eased back and suckled at the nipple.

"Mulder...Mulder...swallowing...me whole..." Her tone
wasn't of complaint.

"What happened to 'Fox'? 'Cause I'm definitely touching
you now..." He licked her breast.

"You're touching me..." She started laughing and crying
at once - almost panicking him for a second before he
realized just how happy she was looking. "I can't believe
it... Don't stop touching me...ever."

He lovingly obeyed.

She was beneath him now as he moved his attention to her
other breast and stroked her side. Scully tugged at his
shirt. A minute of awkward fumbling and amusement
followed as they tried to get it off him, eyes meeting in
amazement that yes, this was happening, that they were
actually getting naked together. Scully was kissing,
sucking and stroking every inch of his skin that she
could reach.

His fingers hit a sensitive spot and she jumped slightly,
then laughed again.

"Stop that!" he ordered with a mock hurt tone. "There's
not a French tickler in sight..."

He moved his hand again, down her outer thighs, then his
hand moved to her inner thighs, which definitely cut off
the laughter. He stroked there, nearer and nearer to
their goal, but then felt an overwhelming desire to kiss
her mouth again, so raised back up to do so, his hands
now around her waist and at her breast again.

She eagerly accepted his kiss, but seized the hand at her
breast and moved it. Mulder stopped kissing her and rose
up off her, to the side, to watch as she firmly guided
his hand downwards. His hand was palm down on the
smoothness of her skin, flat, while hers was on top,
fingers in between his, steering with assurity.

The covers threatened to block their view, so Mulder
tossed them off with his free hand, and continued
watching in fascination and anticipation.

Both watched as their joined hands reached the top of her
panties, slipped under, and disappeared between her legs.

Then Scully stopped looking, eyes clamping shut, back
arching. A strangled cry issued from her.

Mulder moved his fingers, eyes still open. He saw her
legs moving restlessly, seeking, reacting. The same with
her hands, as her right hand reappeared, too overwhelmed
to guide or contribute. He saw her face and thanked God
for the sight.

He stroked her core, discovering what brought about the
best reactions. He somehow managed to get the panties
down her legs without having to interrupt his handwork,
now sliding fingers inside her. One, two. Up and down.
Faster. While his thumb kept working her core.

"Mulder...Fox...us. Now. Us!"

He frowned momentarily, worried. He was certainly ready.
She was certainly wet, very wet, but was she ready
enough? They hadn't been at it very long - it just seemed
like it.

Her small hands were suddenly inside his boxers, finding
and grasping. He abandoned what he was doing to yank the
material down and kick them off in short order.

"Yes...this... I'm ready - do you...have any idea...how
long...I've been...ready?" She groaned.

"Okay..." he whispered, then sat up and moved away from
her.

XxX

"Mulder...what are you doing?" She watched in confusion
and alarm as he reached for the bedtable.

"It's okay, just getting one of these..." He held up the
packet of ribbed condoms, suddenly looking very self-
conscious.

She was stunned. "But - Mulder...Fox... You don't have
to... I mean, there's no danger of me getting..." Both
blinked dangerously at that. "I mean, neither of us have
AIDS or... I appreciate the gesture..."

"Dana, I don't mean to upset you, but - I think I need
it. Um, I'm so worked up...the second I'm inside you, I
think that could be it, unless I use one of these to draw
it out - give us more time to enjoy it. Next time will be
fine, but this first time..."

"Fox, if it's quick or slow, I don't care how long it
takes, as long as it's with you."

"I want it to last. And you always wanted to try ribbed
condoms!"

"Okay then. If you do this for us, then it's only fair
that you choose what position we do it in..."

"Really?"

"Yeah. How do you want it, Agent Mulder? How do you want
me?" She shifted provocatively - no Catholic guilt
surfaced; this was with the man she loved and it felt so
right - and reached out to trail her fingers down his
skin. "When you've been alone on your couch, how have you
fantasized about me?" She was getting hotter from asking
this. She couldn't wait to find out which exotic pose he
wanted them in.

Mulder looked suddenly bashful. "Um...well, I -
I...you're gonna think this really weird..."

"What one, Mulder? Tell me. I'll do it. Remember, I work
out..."

"Well, I'm not even sure if it's IN the Kama Sutra...
It's so..."

Her eyebrows nearly leapt off her forehead. /Just how
kinky IS this?/ "Tell me, Fox."

He leaned forward and whispered it into her ear. This
time her eyebrows did whack the ceiling. "You're
kidding..."

He was blushing furiously, averting his eyes. "No."

She managed to blurt it out. "The missionary position?!"

"Yeah. I don't even think it's in the KS, it's considered
so plain..."

She burst out laughing. She howled with mirth. Mulder
just watched her. Finally when she could draw breath, she
said, "I don't believe it! After all that rampant
curiosity and all those videos and rule breaking and
rebelling against society and the Consortium and the
Bureau and so on...you're really just a traditionalist at
heart!"

Mulder stared at her uncertainly for a moment, then they
both cracked up.

"That's fine, lover. Missionary it is." She touched his
face. "Always knew you had some faith in you... Now let's
put it in me..."

A few minutes of stroking followed, to rebuild themselves
to fever pitch. Then they sensuously put the condom on
Mulder, and his hand went to work her core, until very
quickly she could barely gasp "Us!" again. Scully lay on
her back and spread her legs, raising her knees. She
reached for him, breathing hard.

Gently, carefully, her partner entered her.

"Oh God! Yes, Fox..." It had been years, but she was so
ready...

He leaned down to kiss her, then slowly began to move.

Over her, on her, in her.

"Mulder, oh... Mulder, oh...!" It was all she was capable
of saying at each thrust. Then she could produce nothing
but nonsensical moans and noises. It felt wonderful. He
was hard and big. He was going to give her such a big -

"God, Scully!" Then Mulder lost his ability to speak too.

Moving. Scully splayed her legs to feel the sensation,
then wrapped them around Mulder's moving waist. She
didn't know where to put her hands. She remembered the
poles that made up the headboard - how she'd always
wanted to wrap her hands around them while making love to
Mulder - but the one fatal flaw in doing that would be
that she'd have to stop touching him to do so. No way.
Not this time. Because as long as she was touching him,
the ache to do so was gone. She wanted that feeling to
stay gone.

So she clutched him to her, brought her hands up and down
his back, hoping she wasn't clawing him (then quickly
past caring if she did), and down to rest on his buttocks
to feel the power of his muscles moving, driving at her.
Deeper, faster as her body accepted the change. Moaning,
gasping.

She thrust back and moved and touched and squeezed with
every muscle she possessed, giving him everything of
herself.

One of his hands came up to cup her cheek, run through
her hair. Their eyes flickered open occasionally, wanting
to see the other's expression. She had never seen such
intensity and emotion in Mulder's eyes. Not to mention
feeling it...

She was close. She opened her mouth, trying to find the
few words to tell him to touch her core. All her other
sexual experiences - two lovers over five years gone, her
own touching and the vibrator - had required that
stimulation to bring her to climax.

But Mulder was reading her face and braced himself on one
elbow. She felt his hand slide between them, heading for
exactly where she wanted it.

But before his hand got near, something happened on his
next surge forwards. Scully didn't know just what it was,
but it made her cry out in delight and want more. By the
time she had cried out he was already thrusting forward
again, and fortunately hit the same spot. Whether it was
the ribbing or the knowledge it was Mulder in her or
whether he'd struck something no one or thing else had,
it didn't matter - what did matter was feeling it again.

Scully felt herself on the edge, beginning to convulse.
She let out a cry that was as close as she could get to:
"Ohmigod/that's never happened before/it feels
fantastic/that's it/DO IT AGAIN RIGHT NOW!!!!"

He understood, and he did. Right there. Once. Twice.

Dana Scully didn't come. She detonated.

XxX

This was...mind-blowing. This might be considered a plain
position, but not in this case - and most importantly, it
allowed them both to hold each other. Mulder slowly
realized there was a stinging sensation at his back, and
then dimly realized Scully was raking him with those
perfectly manicured nails. The feeling soon passed as he
succumbed to the other sensations that were enveloping
him. Her cries, his moans, her tight body squeezing him
until he thought he could give no more.

Suddenly his partner seemed to morph into a wild bronco.
She reared up under him, screaming, bucking, clutching at
him, convulsing - and he witnessed her pleasure in
wonder, for a second forgetting the sensations of his own
body while this show was going on below him.

But his body didn't forget - it drew him back into full
awareness and soon sent him off too. Intensely. He hoped
his yell in her ear didn't deafen her. Well, not at the
time when he made it - this thought occurred several
minutes afterwards...

"What...the hell...was THAT?"

Mulder didn't know which one of them had spoken. Finally
he worked out it was Scully. He clutched her tightly. "I
don't know... But I'm praying...that we can...recreate
it!"

He saw that her hair had fallen in damp strands over her
face. He gently stroked them away. "Are you in there?" he
whispered.

She opened her eyes and moved under him. "You're
definitely in here!"


END PART FIVE OF SIX

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TITLE: "Wanderlust" (6/6) ****NC-17**** for very adult situations
BY: Crash and Ten
E-MAIL ADDRESSES: crashed52@hotmail.com and
kristena@ocean.com.au
Disclaimer in Part One


They laughed. Their foreheads rested together for a long
moment, always in danger of slipping off due to the
sweat. He nuzzled her neck and glanced over at the
candle. A line of wax had run right down the man's back.
/Know how you feel, buddy.../

She followed his gaze. "I love your back, Mulder. It's so
long, I could ski down it." She slid her hands down from
his shoulders, down down. "And that's a hell of a ramp at
the base..." She gently smacked his butt with her hands.

He was unsuccessful in holding back a wince of pain along
the way.

"Did I scratch you? Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, I just won't use the FBI pool for a few weeks...
Not that this goofy grin I'll have plastered over my face
for the next two hundred years won't give the game away
more!"

"Well, that position was a success. Let's try the other
fifty!"

He groaned. "That will be a welcome suggestion once I
catch my breath..." Then he became serious. "I love you,
Dana."

"Me too, Fox. This...us...I feel more alive now than I
have since my remission - since I can remember."

They stared at each other for a long time. Then Mulder
got rid of the condom and they held. She was just
drifting off to sleep when he said: "Hey, Dana - we don't
have to buy another copy of the book now! We really can
share."

She hit him with it.




Late Sunday morning, when they'd slept, showered, tended
to Mulder's back and recovered suitably, they tried the
Position of the Wife of Indra - Scully's choice. Dana
proved to be flexible indeed, and their release of the
night before proved not to be a fluke.

Dana commented that she hoped her cross wouldn't dissolve
in all the sweat he was making her produce.

Mulder woke up when Scully stirred beneath him. Both
smiled in remembrance of what they'd just experienced.
Then she wiggled under him, and reached out her arm to
open the bottom drawer of the bedstand.

"Am I too heavy? What're you doing?"

"Getting rid of your namesake." Dana produced a long
rectangular box and tossed it in the general direction of
the trash can.

A vibrator? Named after HIM? He was speechless.

"Just how long have you and he been..."

"A long time. Actually, my neighbors will think I'm
having an affair with another man now - when I used it,
I'd nearly always be screaming your name at the end, but
these last two times I've been beyond screaming your
name. I could only scream."

"So I heard!"

"Tell you what - let's memorize this whole Kama Sutra, so
that if we're so heavily into foreplay that we can barely
speak, all we have to do is say the page number instead
of spelling out what we want."

"Sounds like a plan to me."

XxX

Scully never wanted to leave Mulder's arms. She never had
to again. Even if she did, she wouldn't ache for his
touch because she knew that she only had to reach out for
it. She was so peaceful and content and beginning to
properly heal. He'd turned her body into one entire
sensation. They were together. In everything. Then...

She was on the bench with Mulder again. Talking about
children.

"All of a mother's hopes and dreams for her child..."

But it was different. She was afraid.

Pain. Crippling pain. Mulder's alarmed face.

Then the bench was gone. Mulder was gone. She was in a
white room, with people in gowns and masks bending over
her.

/Not the abduction - nopleasenoIdontwanttoremember - wake
me up, please! What are you doing to me? Stop it! Mulder,
where are you?/

The pain ruled her body. It gave the demands, it radiated
through her.

"Mulder!"

"I'm here, Dana." He was at her side, in a gown and mask.
"Push! You're nearly there. Our baby is nearly here! I
can see the head!"

Baby?

Then she realized. Contractions. She was pushing. The
baby - their baby - was coming. She screamed and pushed
and another fragment of the bench came to her - it wasn't
the one in Home after all.

It was out the front of a hospital. She was sitting
there, heavily pregnant, beside her partner. Mulder
stroked her belly lovingly.

"Perhaps we'd better go inside," he said.

She could see he was trying to hide his concern. "Soon. I
just want to enjoy the sunshine for a bit longer. I'm a
doctor, remember? We won't have the baby on the bench, I
promise! There's still time."

He looked at her. "Dana, I know you're worried -"

"It's a completely natural process. And I have you here.
Soon we'll be holding our child. Just you remember that
too when the pain really hits me. It's not your fault.
This is the 'best' pain a woman can go through. I know
it's hard for you to see me in labor. But this child is a
gift that's worth it."

"And just you remember that the tests have shown that
this kid is fine. And your visions -"

"I know. But having him in my arms and seeing for myself
is when I'll stop worrying."

"If anything is different, we'll handle it. We'll love
him just as much." He rubbed her back.

"I know. Oh!" She clutched his hand and shut her eyes.

"Inside, Mrs. Mulder. Now," he ordered.

"Okay." They stood, him aiding her.

"Dana?"

"Yes?"

"I can't wait to see you as a mother."

And she was pushing and Mulder was giving her strength
and suddenly -

"Congratulations - a lovely baby boy."

The next few minutes were a blur, but there was a healthy
little son in her arms, seeking her breast and Mulder
holding them both, crying in delight. Their baby.

"Look... Look at him, Dana..." He was completely awed.
Then his voice changed - became frantic. "Scully? Dana,
wake up! Wake up!"

XxX

Mulder was in full panic mode. Dana had started tossing
in his arms, straining, gasping in pain, then abruptly
flopped back. "Wake up! Please!"

She woke with a jolt. Tears were streaming down her face.
Mulder hovered over her. "You were having a nightmare -
are you okay? Dana, speak to me! Please..."

"Oh my God, Mulder! Oh my God!"

That sent memories of her hypno-regression bursting over
him. She was dreaming about the chip taking her to the
bridge. The burning bodies. He wanted to scream. Why
couldn't they ever lead happy lives?

"I'm sorry, Dana..." He sobbed. "I'm so sorry."

Her eyes were full of dazed wonder though as she reached
out to touch him. "Mulder, no! I had a dream - a
premonition!"

"What?" /Did Dana Scully just say what I think she said?/

"Mulder, we have a baby!" she blurted out.

"You mean - they do it to us again?" His brain and
breathing began shutting down. /Oh God, not another Emily
- she won't be able to handle it. Neither will I. The
foetus in the tank!/

She shook him to get his attention. "In the future - in
about a year or two - we have a baby. Our own. I give
birth to him. I've seen it, felt how real it is - HE is -
he's beautiful, Fox. And we're his parents! I know it! No
donor eggs, no surrogacy. This one is a Mulder-Scully
production."

Mulder realized she wasn't upset - she was glowing. He
struggled to calm his breathing. "A baby... Him - a son?"

"Yes! He's perfect." She nearly squeezed the life out of
him with her hug.

His mind reeled. "Oh my God... Are you sure...I mean, I
want to believe..."

"I've had dreams before that I know are premonitions,"
she admitted. "I know the difference between ordinary
dreams and these special ones. That's how I knew you'd be
all right when you 'died' in the boxcar."

"But how do we have him? A little boy... What does he
look like?"

She tried to explain as best she could. "I think he's got
his own nose - definitely got your appetite though!"

He listened in growing enchantment. "I - I...I can't
believe...that you really want to have my children..."

"Why not? I love you. Separate yourself from all that
guilt and what you think you've done. And then you'll see
what I see. A passionate man, as my lover and the father
of my son. All that I ever wanted..."

"I...I always dreamed about us..." He quietly told her
about his castle building - or rather, domestic house
building.

She didn't laugh. "You could be having premonitions too.
But at least they're things that we can turn into
reality. I love the sound of what you're telling me...
But when we were in Home...you said you'd never pictured
me as a mother."

"I lied. I'd wanted to say something else instead...but
it was too risky. I panicked."

Talk drifted into various boys names. Scully shook her
head. "No, he didn't look like a Shaun..."

Mulder stared at her. "But HOW...? I mean, you might have
some ova left, or I might get back what was stolen from
you some time in this next year... Or we find the healing
aliens... Or something..."

"I don't know, but it happens." She was serene in her
knowledge.

"We can ditch the condoms then!" He grinned, then it
became more serious.

She looked at him closely. "What?"

"Just thinking about how we switched faiths, then
switched again. We were getting closer in personalities,
but missed each other in the middle and went to opposite
poles - perhaps it's some universal balance! But I think
we connected at last."

"Agreed. And we can keep working together to find the
truth, whatever it is."

He nodded.

A long silence. Just holding, coming to terms with such
momentous changes.

"We should really get up and eat and such," Dana said,
without much conviction. "It's a wonder your stomach
isn't complaining."

"It's shocked into silence... And how do you know that
last night it wasn't grumbling for some loving rather
than for some food?"

"We can't stay in bed forever."

"You suggesting we vary things a bit by moving our
gymnastics to your living room?"

"Mulder..."

"Why not stay in bed? I think we've earned a lie in. The
world - the whole damn universe - can wait. We served
them for five years. Let's serve ourselves now."

"Okay...you talked me into it. Wipe the smirk off your
face."

"How'd you know?" He was spooned against her back, arms
wrapped together, entwined with hers.

"I just knew." She traced the long, large fingers that
would cradle their child.

Mulder chuckled. "Yesterday started off so badly...and
look how it ended. Last week I never thought I'd see you
smile again... And I was looking for a hobby. Well, I've
found a fantastic life-long one! Much better than
Vikings. Soooooo...can I pillage you again?" he asked
hopefully.

"No way, Fox. It's my turn to plunder!"

And indeed, no village in Norse history was ever
ransacked so thoroughly or willingly or joyfully...


END PART SIX OF SIX.