"YOU KNOW YOU NEED AN UPGRADE..."
"   if your sons Scientific Calculator can out-perform your PC when doing complex math"
"   if you discover that the newest communications software doesn't support your 300 baud modem"
"   if your age is higher than your RAM"
"   if the only sound you can make on your computer is the hard drive  spinning"
"   if you have to look for a new computer supplier because your  current favorite just stopped handling 8 floppy disks"
"   if your monochome monitor has the words MS DOS Version 1.0  permanently burned in"
"   if you use punch cards to process your email"
"   if the government starts sending retirement checks made out to your  computer"
"   if radiation from your monitor shows up on FAA radar everytime you  login"
"   if you experience the thrill of finding a used CGA monitor for sale at a ham radio swapfest"
"   if your entire software library is made up of programs that do not require a mouse"
"   if your only experience with CDs comes from the bank"
"   if you invite friends over for a cookout so they can help move the PC down to the computer room you created in the basement"
"   if instead of Intel Inside the sticker reads feed hamster daily"
"   if a benchmark program rates your CPU as an abacus"
"   if the label on your 8088 that says Warrant Not Valid If Seal Is  Broken is still in tact"
"   if the folks at your local software store can't find any programs  with minimum requirements low enough to work on your machine"
"   if surfing, chat, and mail are things you can only do at the beach,   a restaurant, and the post office"
"   if the 'Year 2000 Bug' isn't a worry to you because your PC may not  live that long"
"   if you haven't bought new software since 3 inch disks became the  standard"
"  when Microsoft tech support picks up the phone before  Windows 95 finishes booting"
"  when you call tech support and they say your version of software  has been obsolete for 5 years"
"  when that bright idea you had of pounding a 3-1/4 disk thin so  it'll fit in the 5-1/4 slot didn't quite work"
"  when the bad blocks on your disk outnumber the good ones if your PC is big enough to use as an end table"
"  if it's so old that you can't even find a nonprofit organization that will take it as a donation"
"  when you can no longer find those special metallic cassette tapes when everyone's raving about hooking their computers up to the television and you'd never used any other kind of monitor"
"  hey, I'm NOT upgrading my VIC 20, OK?!!!"
"  when your calculator has more RAM than your computer"
"  when your watch has more RAM than your computer"
"  when you realize that they don't use tapes anymore"
" when it takes a Chevy pickup to haul your disk drive away"
"  when you're getting bored of those stupid Atari games like Frogger"
" when your computer doesn't give you nice system errors like"
"  Bad Command or file name and instead formats your hard drive"
"  when you're getting tired of typing in ones and zeros"
"  when your abacus gets termites"
"  when Solitaire only has enough memory to use half the deck"
"  when you get the error message Don't open so many goddam Windows  at once! You lookin' to catch a chill? Oy!"
"  when your modem can only dial as far as next door where the old lady wants you to play online Hearts with her cat"
"  when your printer will only operate if hooked up to your hamster's  run-wheel"
"  when your 5-year-old daughter says Mommy, the 386 is obsolete."
"  At preschool we use a Pentium Multi-Media with 32-speed CD-Rom, 48 megs of Ram and a digital modem."
"  when your 4-year-old son says Windows 95 is old.  Want me to  install the Win 97 upgrade software before my nap?"
"  when it takes 14 hours to download the latest nude Pamela Anderson Lee photo from the internet"
"  when even Eudora Light is too heavy"
"  when your mother's computer has more RAM than you"
"  when your hard disk goes soft"
"  when you have to change the needle on your CD player"
"  when a spoke breaks on your daisywheel printer"
"  when the letter K on your Kaypro starts smearing"
"  when your son/daughter says, Oh I've heard of those computers in  history class"
"  when you add a line to AUTOEXEC.BAT and your boot disk backup won't  fit on your 160K floppy any more"
"  when your Visicalc file times out on initial load"
"  when your BIOS doesn't recognize your new mouse as an input device"
"  when your church/school says No, thanks to your computer donation  offer"
"  when enough people finally say, I have one of those in the attic, do you want it? and you take all of them, just in case"
"  when you know all of the bugs and want some new ones for the  challenge"
"  when you use *save* as an oven timer"
"  when you use AOL"
"  If it says IBM PC jr. anywhere on your computer"