When I thought about #16 of my zine last spring after putting out #15, I was far from ever fathoming it would turn out so differently than what I had planned. I anticipated a #16 full of adventures and urban exploration, from April Fools' to the International Troublemakers' Day and other exciting stuff all around. I firmly believed I would have this shining, bursting-with-fun-and-energy summer, an amazing, unforgettable summer. But it didnt turn out that way.
#16 has been in the works since the beginning of August. Well in fact, its first pages were written way before that, in the first days of May, but I didnt know that then. After losing Malenikiy, I was so taken aback and in pieces on the ground that I didnt even know if I would be able to put out another zine. Everything seemed so ridiculous, so purposeless. Absurd. Why was I alive again? I dont remember when or what made me want to continue this zine. Maybe when I posted about what happened on LJ and everyone wrote me nice words in support. Of course, I had to stay alive. I had to continue.
It's still hard. It's been 7 months now and I still dont get it from time to time. It's senseless. It still seems like a mistake when I turn around and realize my little companion is not here with me, happy, curious & alive but out there in the yard, laying cold and still, never to return, gone so soon... I used to believe in "signs", symbolism, Destiny and that "everything happened for a reason", so that was one hell of a slap in the face. I believed this like some fundamentalist islamists or convinced christians believe - that it was the supreme truth, and you couldnt get out of it. I was sick, unhappy, in love with a boy who didnt love me back but unable to face the reality... stuck in a downward spiral, I used this twisted theory as a support device, an excuse not to look life in the face. Well when the worst happened, I had to look right at it. And nobody will make me believe there can be a reason, whatever it may be, to lose your best friend like that. Nothing happens for a reason. Things happen. That's all.
I dont need concepts or ideologies or sweet faceties to try and comfort me from my sorrows anymore, like I used to do before. There are things you just cant make sense of. I dont need to be told by friends trying to cheer me up that "cats have nine lives" and that he's probably alive somewhere when I know it doesnt work that way. I dont need to try and find something positive to come out of this to make me feel better. You'll never hear me say something positive could come from losing him. This doesnt mean everything positive has to die since he has, though. That's the difference. I still have a hard time sometimes, but I wanna live honestly, looking life in the face. Sometimes it's fucking hard, but there isnt any other way for me. And it's alright for it to be this way. The bare truth hurts, but ultimately she'll remain on your side. I was about to type "You have to believe it" but I cant make you believe this, or anything. Just live, you'll get what I mean.
Now it's almost winter, end of November; half-formed, invisible specks of the first snow [the snow that will keep my baby warm] are floating in the air as I am putting the finishing touches to the french edition of #16. When I started working on it at the end of the summer, I didnt really have an idea where it was going. I typed the intro, then I thought I would just sort of write and write about all I felt inside concerning my loss. But it was way too confused, I didnt know where to start. I began typing up my diary from right after it happened and it was all there - in my entries. The whole process, as I went along, as I was still living it. So there you go. I simply re-typed my diary from there. I dont think I wouldve been able to compose new text and rephrase all of that. Just writing the updates I posted here and on my LJ took me all the courage I could muster. Even re-typing my diary was hard, many a times I did this while crying abundantly, but at least it was simple - I just had to type the words that were there. I had the path traced for me, I just had to try and walk it up. Just like when writing about it in my diary, I would type as long as I could, then stop when I felt like I could deal no more.
This issue is subtitled "Departure of a Prince". I know it sounds pompous and with the 200+ pages and all, but I dont care. When I started realizing this issue would be way over the normal number of pages I just thought what the heck. I did this issue for me, and for him. To remember. To document. For those who care. For me mainly. If you are interested, then great. If not, well, I wasnt going to change one iota of this issue to please others or make it shorter or cheaper to mail or more easily distro'able. I am not sending this issue for review, as I could not stand having a completely oblivious stranger tell me it's childish or boring or "doing too much for a cat". If you do enjoy it and want to mention it though, I wont mind. I dont plan to send any samples to distros, because it would probably be too expensive for them to carry it, and it's just kind of too emotional an issue, I dont think I could stand having it "rejected", even in a nice way or for cost reasons. But if you really want to distro it we can work something out. I'm gonna charge something between 3-4$, even if it costs more to mail. I morally feel I cannot go over 4$. Right now the lay-out is almost all done, I only stopped momentarily because I ran out of white paper.
The 200+ page count is also not only because I loved my cat so much and had lots of things to say about him. It's because the event is told in its context. Aside from the main event, a lot of other stuff was going on in my life at the time, making things better or worse from day to day. When I started typing up my diary entries, at first I included pretty much everything I had written, every day, and I knew that if I wanted to make a zine out of it, I would have to cut somewhere and choose what to put in and what to leave out. But I just couldnt type up only the bits that talked about Malenikiy and my sadness, because everything else was linked, this or that situation had an effect over how I felt as much as the weather and time passing. I did leave some stuff out or else it wouldve become really confusing and way too long even by my standards, but I left a lot of stuff in. Aside from losing my best friend that I considered almost like my son, I had fallen in love the week before with a boy 10 years younger than me that ended up leading me on all summer, and around the same time my ex of 6 years who was my best friend and I still slept in his bed a couple times a month gets a girlfriend so I lost all sources of physical affection I had, at the time I needed them most. After 6 years of it, no more cuddling with �tienne, obviously no more cuddles from Malenikiy plus the pain of his loss, and the guy I was putting all my hopes on kept me hanging, finding excuses not to see me but not wanting to set me free and giving me the run-around for months. I had a precarious living situation at home having to share a house with someone I detest who does everything to make my life miserable, so to try and have a bit of privacy/space/silence/mental sanity I moved hastily into my not-fit-to-live-in-yet garage that I had been turning into a studio, with no running water or furniture or fridge or stove or decent electricity system. To top it all off, my computer had crashed a few days prior, thus sending all the data in it into oblivion [including pictures I hadnt uploaded on the web that I'll never recover] and cutting my link to the internet for a month 1/2 until it was repaired. All of this happened at the same time and it's important that I show the complete picture. It's good to show the stuff I did outside of that to try and cope, too, and how this went from day to day. I'll probably never want to write such a long zine again but believe me, I'm glad I left what I left in, even if something looks like it's a detail at first, you'll find as you read on that it wasnt superfluous after all.
Aside from that I have included loads of pictures of Malenikiy [I did have a lot of them uploaded on picture hosting sites, over 600 of them, and a friend retrieved them for me and put them on a disk. I also had a lot of "real", non-digital ones.], aswell as a history of the other cats I had before him [but with whom I didnt have such a fusional relationship], and articles from past issues of the zine that were about Malenikiy, especially the article about his neutering operation from #12. I had also made an 8-page "local news" section about stuff that happened in my neighbourhood during the course of the summer; I did this in the beginning when I hadnt quite decided how to go about with the zine, and thought I could include other topics. I quickly saw that wasnt such a great idea, but the "St-Laurent Street" section can fit in okay. Also included are excerpts from LJ-posts and song lyrics. My diary entries are typewritten, laid-out simply over very sober cut-n-paste choosings and lots of white space. I wanted to make this simple, easy to read and go along and sort of "dignified". So even though there are a lot of pages, it isnt that crammed up actually. It's a good winter book - it's like a memoir you can have with you inside to curl up with and enjoy for a week, leave on the couch and pick back up later [I doubt you'll get through this in one sitting].
Why do I publish it? I dont know. Why do I need to make it public? I'm not sure. Writing it and making it has been cathartic, almost as cathartic as when I wrote the words the first time in my diary. I has helped me get a grasp of it all, see the way I've come all through the summer and fall. It has given me something to work and concentrate on during that time, something to occupy my mind with other than black thoughts. I am hoping people might get a better grasp at my character when they read it. I know it must sound a bit nutty and almost exaggerated to claim a cat had the same or a greater importance as a human can have in someone's life... but he did. Not in a pathetic, desperate or sick way... it was just like that. Also, lots of readers of the zine / people I know on LJ "knew" Malenikiy in a way. They were concerned when he died and I'm publishing it a little for these people. I'm not sure someone will be able to relate, because my bond to Malenikiy was so "out there", out of the ordinary [for example: when I was forced to have him neutered I was afraid he would lose all sensation in his "private parts" and thus would never forgive me for doing this to him and I was so worried I wanted to spend the night with him in his cage at the vet's... you get the idea...] but I'm sure cat lovers will surely understand. It's not a story you can read fast and flip through... you have to get right into it, just live a novel. I have no idea what the reception will be on readers' end. We'll see.
Right now I need to publish it in french, and then tackle the long task of translating. I've translated some of my diary entries before, so it shouldnt be that hard, but I've never had this much diary material to work on about one single event or topic. I started in May and the last entries are from September. It's not that easy because I use a lot of slang and spontaneous kind of language in my diary. All the original text is in french of course and I never write my diary thinking I'll have to translate it - that's not its purpose. I hope I'll be able to do a good job in keeping the tone and emotions in the text as close as the original. I wont be re-typing all that on the typewriter, it would look great but it would be more than I can take [keep in mind I'll have to re-live the whole thing all over again]. I decided to type the translation on the computer to make it faster and easier with the lay-out [the original lay-out is all cut-n-paste, so what I'll do is adjust the translated text to paste it in place], but I'll use a nice font that kinda looks like the typewritten version. I know, it would look cuter with the real typewriter but I'd like to see the end of this project some day, too. I need to move along in the process. This is how I need to do it and I think it'll look great. I am hoping to have the english edition out before the end of the year. I'll try.
As far as the mourning process goes I am beginning to find solace. I still cry, I still miss him a lot, but I am getting through. This is the absolute worst thing that could ever have happened to me in all the things that can happen to you in life [and I am one who has had it hard and doesnt complain or give up easily]. It got me down this, it really did. It struck a hard blow. But I'm back on my feet. Lately, I have been having thoughts about getting a new cat sometime next year. Not just yet, but I will. Things are looking better for me and I wont give up. I might even have running water in the studio for Christmas. I need to spend the holidays by myself, soberly, quietly, without partying or a big fuss, because this will be my first Christmas without Malenikiy after the last 3 we celebrated together, and I sort of need to feel, to acknowledge his absence. This is also something I need to go through. In the new year, it'll be a different story. 7 months later, I keep stopping on his grave every time I walk by. And I keep bringing him roses. I still plan on having his face tattooed on my arm. For the moment I have his picture in a pendant around my neck. I still think of him, talk to him every day. I'll never forget. Keep checking this space, also I'll make an announcement on zine_scene when the zine is out. And thanks again everyone for your support.
