There's also like naked girls and stuff so if you're under 18 click
on this...
I'm Going to Disneyworld!
and get the fuck out of here!
Sign
My Guestbook
View
My Guestbook
Here we go...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten favorite activities if you're a bad evil shopping mall
Santa
-------------------------------------------------------------------
10. When a kiddie is on your lap.....Laugh
loudly "HO! HO! HO!"-
Whisper
softly "...i killed the real santa..."- Laugh loudly "HO! HO!
HO!"- Whisper softly "...come christmastime i'm gonna eat your
brain..."
9. Tell a kid- "open your mouth and
close your eyes and you will get
a big surprise!" and
when the kid does it- spray Lysol into the kids
mouth
8. Be smashed drunk and when the kiddies go
to sit on Santas lap tell
the kiddies that if
they want something for christmas they have to
pick the throw up
chunks out of santas beard and eat them
7. Get up from the Santa throne and grab one
of the elves. Take the
elf and ram his head
into the chimney- pick the newly brained elf up
over your head and
throw into the crowd of people. Take a razor
blade and start slashing
your face up. Run at the crowd with a hatchet.
Murder many people.
Declare your immortality.
6. Tell the kiddies how Mrs. Claus is a sexmachine
who does Santa
the way santa needs
it to be done... Tell the kiddies about how
Santa has a big dick.
5. Tell the kiddie on your lap that Santa
knows everything and how
Santa knows that their parents
hate them and how Santa knows that
their parents are going
to put them in a box and throw them in the
ocean....
4. Tell a kiddie that they are getting a puppy
for Christmas and then
say... "Here's the
first piece..." and then hand the kid a puppy paw.
3. Grab a kids a head and stick down the back
of Santa's pants and
blast a big fart right
on the kids face and then say "thats your
Christmas!" then threaten
to burn the kid with Santa's cigarette...
2. Tell the kiddie how Santa is not coming
down the chimney this
christmas... tell
the kiddie how santa is swimming up through the
toilet bowl this year...
tell the kiddie how if he goes to the
bathroom ever again
santa will be angry
1. Tell a kid that santa has put them on the
permanent naughty list
cause santa claus
doesn't like the way they look- then push the kid
off your lap... then
spit on the kid--- then yell at the crowd "What's
with all these ugly
kids!! Jesus Christ!"
Cindy Naked!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
top ten reasons to believe you may be a bad 3rd grade teacher
--------------------------------------------------
10. At the end of the day 3 children are dead,
2 have been blinded
and one is naked
and crying.
9. You use your dick as a bookmark.
8. Whenever a kid asks a question you respond
with, "Shut the fuck
up- You retarded sissy!"
7. You teach sex ed by rolling in a tv and
vcr, popping in a porno,
pointing at the screen,
and using words like- 'wang' 'juggs' 'cunt' and 'jism'
6. Whenever a kid needs to go to the bathroom
you insist on going
with them -and you
watch them while they pee and giggle the
whole time.
5. Fat kids have to sit on the floor.
4. You pick a kid at random and announce to
the class that he has
lice.
3. At milk and cookies time every fourth cookie
has a surprise hidden
thumbtack.
2. When teaching about the human body- you
strip down naked and
say, "Let's
start with the butthole..."
1. You have an ugliest kid in the class contest
and the winner has to
lick a blackboard
eraser and then is sent home early with "UGLY"
written across their
forehead in magic marker.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
top ten ways to be 'the funny guy' in your office
--------------------------------------------------
10. Ask to borrow someone's pen- bring it
to the bathroom- stick it in
your butt-
then return it and tell the person to smell it- when they
tell you
that it smells bad- be like, "It should! I had it in my
butt!"
9. Brag about the fact that you own a gun.
8. Answer every question asked to you with
'fucked if i know!' then
call the person a
racial slur doesnt even match their race
7. Always walk around with a big smile. Keep
one hand down the
front of your pants
6. Run down the hall with your dick out while
urinating all over and
yell, "It won't stop!
God help me! It won't stop!!" Then when it
stops.. look down
and say...."Oh."
5. Shit on the floor in your office and when
someone comes in and
sees it tell them
its the fake plastic kind- when the try to pick it up,
laugh and point.
4. Before a meeting fill your mouth with custard-
then during the
meeting put one finger
in the air and make like youre hocking up a
big loogie-
then spit the custard into a clear glass and
hand it to the person
next to you and say "Beat that!"
3. Inform a female coworker that she "wouldn't
make a good hooker"
2. Keep telling the same person that they
have bad breath even if they
don't
1. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS.
After everyone gives
you the sympathy remarks-
tell everyone how you're just kidding-
tell everyone that
they're just a bunch gullible retards
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Benefits of being a Garbageman
--------------------------------------
10. You don't go to jail if you rape and murder
a trashcan
9. Smushing dead bodies in the smusher makes
good poppy noises
8. Garbage makes boners go wild
7. If you say to someone 'I'm a trashman'
and they say "Ew!" it
feels good to wreck them
6. Licking the inside of soup can and cutting
your tongue on the
jagged edges until your
whole mouth fills with blood and then
running up to a non-recycler
and spitting a mouthful of blood
in their face
5. The truck is great for mowing down schoolkids
then you can
toss them in the back and
it's just like nothing ever happened
4. Tying a rope around a cats neck and spinning
around and around
until you do like hammer
throw in the Olympics and then let
go and watch the cat sail
through a window into someone's
house and when the woman
inside starts screaming break into
the house with a garbagecan
and bang on it like a drum and
dance and sing- then make
doody in front of her
3. Fish odor mixed with puke
2. When you like go up to a house and ring
the doorbell and ask
for their garbage and they're
like 'what?' you break into the
house and start breaking
and smashing stuff and then be like
'all this garbage!' and
then take out the gun
1. Hiding inside a garbagecan at night and
when the owner comes
out in the morning to throw
out the garbage you stab them dead
--as a surprise
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Worst Things That Can Happen
To You in the Bathroom at
Work
-------------------------------------
10. A fat sweaty guy with doody in his hand
bursts out
of a stall and smears
the doody in your face
9. A green slimey tentacle comes out of the
toilet and grabs your
wang and rips it off
8. The guy your standing next to at the urinal
farts loudly and then says
"That was for you
Sally-boy!"
7. Someone gets up on the toilet in the next
stall
looks down on you and starts
spitting on you
6. Your standing at the urinal and the guy
next to
you says "Nice meat...so
sweet..."
5. You walk in and the guy at the sink is
washing
blood off his face and hands
giggling
4. Some guy takes his diarrhea filled underwear
and throws it over the stall
onto your head
3. You throw up in the toilet and the water
splashes up into your face...then
when you look
in the toilet you see there
was doody and piss
in it-- (true story
from Jack)
2. You get a peepee/ploppy whirlie from the
office bully
1. You get caught eating doody out of the
toilet
by your boss
Boobs!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN CHILDHOOD QUESTIONS
---------------------------
10. Did all the Smurfs bang that one girl
Smurf?
9. If I hang my arm over the side of the bed
will it
be grabbed be a claw thing
or tentacle thing?
8. Is it wrong to think about my sister in
a sexual way?
7. Where was Bugs Bunny's dick?
6. Was Hong Kong Fooey really the #1 Superguy?
5. Is it wrong to touch my friends wiener?
(Jeff only)
4. Did the Fonz really do it with all those
chicks?
3. How did all those dorks get to go to Fantasy
Island?
2. Why does Mommy have sleepovers with all
those men? (Jeff only)
1. Why does Daddy have sleepovers with all
those men? (Jeff only)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Worst Things You Can Do in Church
=========================================
10. Say "Jesus Christ! These crabs are itchin
the
hell out of me!"
9. Masturbate
8. Embrace Lord Satan and allow the dark demons
of hell
to possess your body
and spirit.
7. Say "God sure dicked me over this year..."
6. Wear a coat hanger around your neck and
yell,"I'm an abortion! I'm
an abortion!"
5. Ask the priest if he's ever gotten some
good nun tang.
4. Yell "Prayer book fight!" And then throw
your
prayer book into some
old lady's face to start it up.
3. Yell, "BORRR-ING!" during the sermon.
2. Leave porno in the collection plate
1. Flick boogers
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Reasons Why Dave Colella Needs to Lose Weight
--------------------------------------------------
10. Needed the jaws of life to get out of
his car after
driving around and
around McDonalds drive thru for
a full day...
9. He finds it easier to roll down the street
than to walk
8. Ate a cow and washed it down with a keg
7. Was lying in bed picking cookie crumbs
off his chest when the
floor gave way
and he crashed down into the kitchen and then
smashed down
through the kitchen floor into the basement just like
in the movies
6. Went on a tour of the Dorito factory and
stampeded over
the tour guide to get to
the Cool Ranch
5. Outgrew the nickname "Fatso"
4. Jumped in a pool and got stuck
3. When he pisses it hits the underside of
his gut
2. Walks around with one of those ball park
vendor hot dog
boxes everywhere he goes
1. Mainlines chocolate
PICTURE OF COLELLA IN THE MORNING
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Ways To Blow a First Date
=================================
10. Dress like Jeff Lederer
9. Say to the girl "Hey, I hear you're a real
slutbag whore...that's why
I asked you out."
8. Trail doodified toilet paper out the back
of your pants
7. Spit in her face and then stomp her foot
6. Ask her if she's done porno cause you like
porno
5. Instead of a bouquet of flowers bring a
bouquet of old snotrags
4. Be pissing on her hedges when she opens
the door
3. Grab her tit and make honk honk noise then
piss in your pants
2. Tell her how she's the first non-retard
person
you've ever dated
1. Show up smashed drunk with throw up all
over your shirt
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Office Rules If I was President this Company
-----------------------------------------------------
10. Blasting porno movie broadcasts all day over the intercom
system on every floor
9. Whenever a female employee needs to address me she must enter
my office on her knees and leave on her knees
8. Every Thursday is "Dress as a Slut Day" for all female employees
7. I get to talk to all employees through a megaphone whether in
person or on the phone
6. Company motto: "Show me your titties, baby!"
5. If somebody fucks up I get to draw with magic marker all over
their face
4. Lose an account....lose a finger
3. At any time I can call someone into my office and order them
to eat 100 marshmellows
2. I can make all the old ladies in the office say the word "cunt"
whenever I want
1. At any time I can call any female employee into my office, order
them to
take off their clothes, then have sex with them
Girlie (not naked)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Election Day Fun Things to Do
*dated*
--------------------------------------
10. Do a little tuggy wug in the voting booth
and yank the curtain
open just in
time for everyone to see you finish up
9. Go up to Bill Clinton and hand him a flaming
bag of dogshit... then
run away
8. Go up to Bob Dole and say, "You're a dumb
fucker mother fuck?
Eh? Cocksucker? Dick
lick? I do your mom...real nice..."
7. Protest democracy outside the voting place
and call everyone who
walks in to
vote- a filthy murderer...
6. Hold up a sign that says: BOB DOLE DON'T
LIKE FAGGOTS!
BOB DOLE AIN'T NO FAGGOT!
5. Call up all the tabloids and tell them
that you saw Clinton's penis
and it looks all green
with blotches then demand the newspaper to
send you a check for
the exclusive rights and send the newspaper a
picture of your penis
taped to a bomb and include a note saying if
you dont get your
money youre gonna blow your penis off
4. Stand outside the voting area and when
people go to walk in-
smash a handful of
mayonnaise right in their face and say to them-
"That's a big fuck you-
straight from the cock of Bill Clinton!"
3. As people come out of the voting booth
spray them in the face with
mace and then go wild
with the hatchet.
2. Have a bucket of bloody dead kittens at
the voting headquarters
and hand the kitties
out to the children- make sure every kitten has
a note attached which says
"Bob Dole loves you as much as he
loves this kitten..."
1. Slice off your wiener and run screaming
into the voting place
holding your dick
in your hand with the blood squirting and scream
"LOOK WHAT BOB DOLE DID
TO ME!!! BOB DOLE JUST
SLICED MY DICK OFF!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
top ten reasons why dave colella cant return phonecalls
--------------------------------------------------------
10. Fingers to fat to press buttons
9. doesnt like to return phonecalls during
dinnertime- and for
dave it's always dinnertime
8. when they ripped a hole in the side of
his house and removed him
with a forklift and took
him to the hospital in a flatbed ambulance
they accidentally cut the
phone line
7. its rude to talk with your mouthful so
dave doesnt talk anymore-
besides he's too busy thinking
about what he wants to eat next
6. accidentally sat on the phone and never
found it
5. daily tours of the hostess twinkie factory
take up too much time
4. face is too fat and phone only reaches
from ear to mid cheek
3. likes to keep the phoneline free just in
case Dominoes is gonna
call to tell him theyre
gonna be late
2. afraid it might be jenny craig hunting
him down
1. noticed that the more Mars Bars he buys
the more Mars Bar stock
goes up so he only spends
his money on Mars Bars and Mars
stock and neglected to pay
his phonebill but he doesnt care cause
he's fat and
has cases of mars bars sitting in his house and he's
making tons of money off the stock
while gaining tons of weight.
SURPRISING COLELLA AT
LUNCH
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fun Things to do at Funerals
----------------------------
- Blast a fart and then blame it on the widow
- Wear a football uniform with your jockstrap
on the outside
- Open up the coffin and pour red paint on
the dead person
- Dress up just like the dead person and lurk
in the background
- Videotape everything and ask people questions
like, "Are you
having a good time?"
- Show up drunk and tell horrible lies about
the dead person
- Wear a sheet with holes cut out like Charlie
Brown on Halloween
and run around going, "Boooooo!
I'm (fill in deaders name) Boooo!"
- Start a fight with the deaders children
about how the dead person
owes you money and call everyone
'asshole'
- Hide down in the grave hole and when they
start lowering the coffin
in start screaming,"NOOOOO!! DON'T
PUT ME DOWN
HERE!!! THE WORMS!!! THE WORMS!!!"
and then make
gurgily stranglily noises
- Walk around the graveyard dressed like a
zombie and moan
anti-Semitic stuff
- Ask if you can say a few words and then
when they allow you to,
read a brochure for Mount Airy
Lodge
- Show up with dead flowers and say you felt
it was appropriate
under the circumstances
- During the funeral- tie cans to the widows
limousine and paint
"JUST WIDOWED" on the back windshield
- Tell all the young children that the dead
person promised
you that he/she will be paying
them a visit
- Yawn loudly and when people shush you- tell
them to fuck off
- Ask the widow, "So, what kind of cash are
we talking about?"
- Take out your wiener and when you approach
the widow say,
"We're both very upset over your
loss..."
- Smoke a cigar and ash on the coffin
- Yell, "Eucch! What's that stench!!!??"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Fun Things to do in 7-11
----------------------------
10. Stuff a dozen twinkies in your mouth and
then choke to death
and visit
other worlds
9. Grab a hot dog off the turney and wave
it around in front of
your crotch and say,
"Wang wang in the yin yang?" to the cashier
then shoot the cashier
good and dead.
8. Take out a gun and order the cashier to
put a jar of pigs feet
on their head because
you wanna shoot it off and when they do
take aim... and shoot
them in the face
7. Hold up a newspaper to the cashier and
say, 'look at this'
then punch them in
the face through the newspaper and then dump
gasoline all over
the place and burn it down with you inside
laughing till everyone
including you is dead
6. Lift the microwave up over your head and
then throw it out the
front window then
start ripping open potato chips with your teeth
and then shit on the
floor and dip chips in shit and eat then
slice your fingers
off and then eat the broken glass
5. Say, 'I got a gun in my pocket' and 'gimme
or your money' when
they ask to see the
gun you shoot them dead then shoot all the
cops waiting for you
outside then shoot yourself dead
4. Spray lighter fluid all over the cashier
and tell them to tell
you the 'secret 7-11
words' and when they say there is none
burn them up dead
and crispy
3. Run inside screaming and say there is someone
chasing you and
when the cashier goes
to look outside, shoot them in the back
dead
2. Ask the cashier if he'd sell his 7-11 shirt
for $1000 dollars
when they agree, yell
"With bulletholes?!" and then shoot them a
bunch of times good
and dead
1. Hold a gun to the cashiers head and say,
'You're my horsey
now' and then ride them
around the store shooting at the ceiling
yelling "Yeeha! Yeeha!"
Then shoot them in the leg and then say,
"Oh no horsey got a broke
leg...' then shoot them in the head
dead.
Leatherface takes a breather.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fun Activities:
-------------------
Get a dog. Bury it in your lawn.
Let the head
stick out of the grass. Mow the lawn.
Catch a cold. Save all snot in a jar.
Get a job
in a restaurant. Use snot as salad dressing.
Say
it is creamy italian.
Find an old lady. Punch her in the face.
Run away.
Call someone on the phone in the middle of
the night.
Tell them that you will kill them tomorrow.
Hang up
phone.
Grab some kid from the schoolyard and bring
him home.
Make him clean your house. Bring him back
to the
schoolyard and tell him if he tells anyone
he's dead.
Make diarrhea in a bucket and dump it into
a baby
carriage with baby inside. Run away.
Get a cat and see how long it can live underwater.
Taste your own doody. Then compare it
to strangers
doody.
Order a dozen pizzas to the across the street
neighbors
and watch out the window. Then call the pizza
place and
call em' assholes and tease them. Repeat.
Ask Mrs. Lederer to show you her butthole.
She will.
Phlegm. (self-explanatory)
Shoot at stuff outside.
Walk naked down the street making doody.
Go to an old age home and show your cock to
everyone.
Crawl down the street army style and hump
mailboxes.
Jism in your hand then go shake someones hand.
Get a boner and show your mother.
Borrow money from a friend telling them it's
an
emergency- then buy something really expensive
and tell
them you're not gonna pay them back ever and
they should
go fuck themselves.
Watch Porky's while eating a ham sandwich
while getting
a blow job from a pig while bacon sizzles
in the kitchen
Pray to God for a world wide catastrophe
Stick your whole fist in your butt and hop
around on
your lawn
Get breast implants -and then send naked pictures
of
yourself to all your ex-girlfriends.
Shit all over the place in your living room
and then
invite friends over and tell em it's the new
cool thing
and when they don't wanna shit too- attack
them with
razor blades
Cut yourself open and go to the mall and wipe
blood on
people while wearing an I GOT AIDS t-shirt
Xerox your testicles and inter-office mail
copies to
everyone with an arrow pointed to them that
says 'here's
my nuts you dickhead mother fucker asshole'
then sign
your name
Frame someone in a murder/suicide.
Cook gerbils like lobsters. Serve with melted
butter
Chop your arms off and then beg girls to tug
your wang
cause you cant do it anymore- cause you got
no arms.
Pull an eye out of your head and take a good
look at
yourself.
Videotape a doody coming out of your butt
and send it to
Totally Home Videos and threaten to shoot
the president
if they dont air it.
Drive your car around crazy and smash into
stuff then
get out and start shooting.
Get a job as a teacher in some school and
tell all the
kids to bring in something in their anus the
next day
Doody in the toilet. Doody on the toilet.
Doody in the
sink. Doody in the shower. Doody in a towel.
Then tell
your host you have to leave early cause your
having
stomach problems.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
top ten ways to get yourself fired
----------------------------------
10. Wave a gun around and talk crazy talk.
9. Call 900 numbers all day on speakerphone
8. Throw large objects out the window.
7. Go into your boss' office put your feet
up on
his/her desk, light up a
joint, and when they
walk in say "Could I get
some friggin privacy,
you dumb stupid asshole..."
6. Steal someone's wallet then brag about
it
5. After a woman does you a favor say "Thanks
cunt!"
4. Expense out lunch at Flashdancers including
"tips for hoes"
3. Come in late- and when questioned by your
boss say
"I'm late because it took
your mom so long to come..."
2. Refer to everyone as "Dickhead Jones"
1. Call a urgent meeting and then blow it
off
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Fun Things to give out to
Trick or Treaters
---------------------------------
10. Homemade Hershey bars fresh from the Hershey
highway
9. Naked pictures of other children
8. Random prescription medicine
7. Plastic bags with faces drawn on them-
to be used as Halloween
masks
6. Tiny lumps of white flesh labeled "Elvis"
5. Dead kittens turned inside out
4. Gay S & M Porno Mags
3. A splash of boiling diarrhea right in the
face
2. cockrings
1. Tampons with mustard all over them
NAKED KATHY IRELAND! -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Ways to Blow an Interview
---------------------------------
10. Make diarrhea in your pants loudly and
act like nothing's happening.
9. If it's a girl say "My dick is way big...but
from the looks
of you... I bet you can
handle it."
8. When their phone rings pick it up and say
"Pussy Chunk Pizza...How
can I help you?"
7. Wear a suit three sizes too small and act
like Pee Wee the
whole time...including masturbating
6. When they ask for your resume...ask for
a pen and paper.
5. When they ask for any other skills you
may have,
spit up in the air and then
catch it back in your mouth
4. Bring Taco Bell and eat it during the interview.
3. Respond to every question with... "Huh?"
2. Wear soccer uniform, bring a soccer ball
and refuse to talk about
anything but soccer.
1. Blow your nose in your hands and then grease
back your
hair with the snot.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Reasons I Hate My Job
-----------------------------
10. Can't grunt loudly when masturbating
9. No one has a sense of humor about my
bleach filled water guns
8. Can't call a girl a 'slut' (even if she
is one)
7. Phone ringing disturbs naptime
6. Got blamed for that old lady's death after
I
grabbed her butt and made
honking noise
5. Someone stole my marijuana plant and bong
4. Can't fax urine
3. When a hung a banana out of my fly and
ran
around the office yelling
"Look at me! Banana Dick!
Banana Dick!" no one thought
it was cool
2. Can't respond to a question by spitting
1. Three Words: No Lesbian Shows
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Worst Children's Books
------------------------------
10.Uncle Willie's Magic Probe
9. After You Die The Worms Come
8. How You Know If Your Parents Hate You
7. Daddy's Violent Rampage
6. 'Hold Him Down' and other Prison Rape stories
5. Slutty Sally Suckemall
4. Murder is Normal
3. Bleach Gives Billy Superpowers
2. The Evil Toilet
1. Fuck That, Mom!
XENA'S BOOB POPS OUT!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Worst Masturbation Accessories
--------------------------------------
10. Sandpaper
9. Cheese grater
8. Handful of thumbtacks
7. rust
6. driftwood
5. WD-40 (it burns after a while)
4. ajax
3. A nail gun
2. tar
1. a beehive
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Things Glenn has Learned Since he Moved to Maryland
------------------------------------------------------------
10. Bulls milk is much saltier than cows milk
9. If you chop off a chickens head- for chicken
head soup- it runs
around crazy for at least
five minutes- but if you chop a chickens
feet off- for chicken feet
soup- it dont run around at all
8. Boss Hogg can be bribed out of speeding
tickets with fried chicken
7. Bare feet and highwater overalls are in-
three sylabble words and
newspapers are out
6. If you point at anything and say to Marylander
"Don't that look
like a frog..." they will
always say "Gaddamn it sure does!"
5. If you add up everything in the Maryland
gene pool you get- two
guys wacking off, a chicken
egg, an inflatable rubber alligator,
and four chromosomes
4. If Glenn drives through his neighbors backyards
he can cut down 6
minutes on his commute
3. All Marylanders are at least second cousins
or closer
2. The only movie at Maryland Blockbusters
is Herbie the Love Bug-
all others are "anti-Maryland"
1. Most Marylanders did not know about the
existance of toilet paper
until 1986
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN PROBLEMS WITH COMMUTING ON METRO
NORTH
==============================================
10. Seeing that bald headed woman every morning
9. That fat lady's presence at the newspaper
counter
prevents you from ripping
off the blind guy
8. Can't do your girl on a crowded train
7. Fat People
6. People don't react well to when you try
to play footsy
5. Drunkeness combined with motion makes me
vomit often
4. Spitting on conductors is frowned upon
3. They arrested that nice Colin Ferguson
2. While jumping up and down on my seat with
my
wang out making gorilla
noises I often hit my
head on the overhead compartment
1. Doody room too small
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
top ten pornos
--------------
10. The Devil in Mrs. Raihall
9. Mrs. Raihall Does Dallas
8. Taboo with Mrs. Raihall
7. Mrs. Raihall Special Zulu Action
6. Kiss My Grits, Mrs. Raihall!
5. Behind Mrs. Raihall's Green Door
4. Mrs. R- Runs Wild
3. Mrs. R- Runs Wild II
2. Mrs. Raihall's Orgy Fiesta
1. Raihall Donkey Love
Mrs. Raihall
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Worst Places to Spend New Years Eve
--------------------------------------------
10. The Horrible, Horrible Land of the Evil
Biting Dwarves
9. 7-11 eating twinkie with diarrhea in your
pants
8. Swimming in the burning hot AIDS blood
public pool
7. In the morgue where all the deaders come
to life and
hunger for testicles and
thumb nails to fuel their hellspawned
newborned brainiums
6. In the shredder getting shredded
5. Sitting on the street with a fork in one
hand and a knife in
the other with a napkin
tucked into your shirt waiting for
a stray dog to shit on the
street so you can crawl over and eat it
infront of your own mother
4. Trapped in an elevator with some guy who
has a two pronged
barbeque fork
and he keeps poking you and then tells you to
stand still
and then he pokes you again and then tells you to stand
still and the whole
time he's farting terribly
3. Trapped in an elevator with a naked Jeff
Lederer who's feeling
frisky
2. On the gay porno movie set and your scene
with Lamont is up next
1. In the torture dungeon with a funnel sticking
out of your butt and
the guy with the mask is
gonna dump burning hot lead up your butt
while he's telling you about
the beauty of jesus christ
uh huh huh...uh huh huh
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Bad Penis Problems
--------------------------
10. When you stick your wiener in the blender
by accident and blend
it and
then the guy with the gun forces you to drink the pureed
peenee
9. When you have a boner sticking straight
out and you're running
around your
house waving your arms in the air and making 'ugga
ugga' noises
and jumping around and then you flip over the banister
and land on
your stomach snapping off your penis at the base.
8. Being a big time compulsive masturbator
and getting weird blue
calluses all over
your wang and you end up in some medical book
and they name your
condition "(insert your full name here) Jerk-Off
Syndrome"
7. When you go out in public to show off how
you piss good and you
decide to piss on
the front steps of the police station and some cop
tasers your penis
and testicles and then smashes your dick in with a
club
6. When you're naked and building an outdoor
deck and you
accidentally
hammer a nail through your penis and to avoid tetanus
you saw off
your scooley with a circular saw
5. When you put your dick in a hole in some
wall and then on the
other side of the
wall is some kind of animal with sharp teeth who
bites your dick's
head off and then the rest off your penis is
unhappy
4. When you're sitting in your room with a
disposable camera taking
pictures of your wingwang
and then you get out the carrot peeler
and peel all
the skin off and take more pictures
3. When you got a boner and lie on your back
and then pour a cup of
bleach down
the hole in your schlong by accident
2. When you get a tattoo on your penis and
then don't like the tattoo
anymore so you
go to the doctor and you tell him you want it
removed and
then the doctor misunderstands and removes your
whole penis
1. You keep twisting it and twisting it and
twisting it around and
around and around
and around till your face turns blue and then it
finally pops off and
blood squirts out all over and you have to tell
your mom what just
happened.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Reasons Why Woody is the way he is
----------------------------------------
10. When he was little he wanted to show his
mom how he had super
strength so he picked up a chair over his head but the chair was
too heavy and he fell over backwards down a flight of stairs
9. Had a track and field accident back
in high school-- while
running the
400 meter relay he lost control and ended up in the
third row of
the stands
8. Oxygen deprivation from being
locked inside a locker for
extended
periods of time
7. Tried on one of his mothers bras
when he was little and it ended
up tangled around
his neck and he almost died- his mother saved
him from the bra choking
incident just in time
6. One of the cool kids in high school
told Woody he could be
cool too if
he drank his science experiment so Woody drank his
science experiment
5. Mildly stroked out when Phoebe Cates
popped open
her bikini in
Fast Times
4. When he was 15 he saw a hot girl
in a car so he
chased the car
like a dog- When the girl slammed on the brakes
he smashed out
a taillight with his head and went into a coma
3. One day a 4th grade girl came up
to him and told him that she
liked him so
he started stalking her around so she got mad and
beat him up
2. Mommy Messinger used to make him
wear a dress and dance
"The Joyous Hannukkah
Dance" in front of his relatives
1. Weird masturbation technique landed
him in the hospital with
a mild concussion,
broken thumb, and a neurological disorder
Woody
See How You Can Help Support Woody
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Reasons to Believe You
May Be Involved with the wrong
Religious Group
------------------------------
10. You find yourself praying to an old ball
of tape
9. A guy who calls himself 'Cockboy' is a
high priest
8. Blinking is prohibited- punishment is testicle
removal
7. Communion is real flesh and blood
6. You have to hit yourself in the face with
a bat
to prove your love of God
5. They spell Jesus-- "J-e-e-z-u-s"
4. All choir members inhale helium before
singing
3. The symbol is a swastika inside of a pentagram
2. Everyone rotates playing God
1. The nuns strip
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Fun things to do if you work in a restaurant
----------------------------------------
10. Rub your penis on someones hamburger
9. Dip your penis in someones milk shake
8. Use your penis to put mustard on a sandwich
7. Put a pickle under your ball sack- hold
for five minutes- then serve
6. Pee all over the clean glasses
5. Touch hand to penis- touch hand to butt-
touch hand to salad
4. Make love to the ground beef
3. Two words: Mayo naisse
2. Put an olive between your penis and balls-
get up on the table-
stand over the big salad
bowl- lift the penis up- let olive fall
into the salad
1. Tea bag the iced tea
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Ways to Get Thrown
out of a Restaurant
==========================
10. 'Go to the bathroom' without actually
going to the
bathroom
9. Call the waitress "Miss Slutcunt"
8. Put your dick in the soup and then call
the manager over and say
"Excuse me sir...
There is a dick in my soup!"
7. Say to the waitress "Nice tits, Baby!"
and then
grab her tits
6. Walk around the restaurant coughing, sneezing,
and eating off everyones
plates
5. Start a food fight with the waitress
4. Order something that isn't on the menu
and when
the waitress tells you they
don't have it- grab
her hand and try to saw
her fingers off with
your butter knife
3. Bring a tuba and play it everytime you
want
service...when they tell
you to stop- throw
up all over yourself
2. Go in dressed as a nun and when the waitress
asks you for your order
say "Hey babe...I'm a
nun with a cock...what do
you recommend?"
1. Hang out in the ladies room with a tampon
in
hanging out of your mouth
and wear a sign that
says "Tampon Dispenser"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Reasons Didn't come into the office yesterday
--------------------------------
10. Just couldn't make it on time.
9. Full crowd scene at the food line.
8. Mr. Hand ripped my card.
7. Brain Damage.
6. Figured out that it was "our time."
5. Couldn't find my checkered Vans
4. Heard about the new 'No Shirt, No Shoes,
No Dice' dresscode
3. 'Uno Nickelo' not enough for train ride
2. Some tasty waves and a cool buzz and I'm
fine
1. If I don't get some new rules... pronto...
I'm just gonna be bogus
too... yea?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
top ten fun things to do a salad bar
----------------------------------------------
10. Don't use the utensils.
9. Pick up a tomato, smell it, handle it,
put it in your mouth, then
put it back
8. Smoke cigarettes and ash all over the place
then sip from the
dressing ladle with
slurpy slurp.
7. Stand really close to the person in front
of you and say,
"Interesting." everytime
they choose something for their plate. Then
write in a book and giggle
and mutter profanity.
6. Make a salad bar angel.
5. Stand at the end of the salad bar like
youre the dressing pourer
guy and say like,
"What kind of dressing would you like?" to the
customer and whatever
their response is- keep saying "Incorrect."
Until they say "French."
When they say it take out your cock and strut
around pretending
you're a french chicken then dunk your wang in the
french dressing and
wring it out on their salad.
4. Go nuts with a gun and blow someone's head
off. Then blow your
own head off.
3. Stick your finger down your throat and
make yourself gag until you
throw up all over
the salad bar. Have a conversation with yourself
about how you promised
you would never do that again.
2. Say to the woman infront of you "Ay! Toots!
you ever done been
fucked on a salad
bar?"
1. As someone walks along the line keep tapping
their elbow and try
to make them drop
their plate. When they finally turn to you to tell
you to stop- make
sure you have pre-mutilated your own face all
bloody so they
get a big shockout.
Goldie Hawn Naked!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Uncool Things
---------------------
10. You open up a present you got in the mail and you look inside and
you hear this beep and a see green light flash
and then you wake up in
the hospital and youre all mangled up deformed
9. The cops come to your house with a search warrant and they look
in
the basement and find dead bodies- and youre like"
I didnt put them there!"
but then after a while you think about it and remember
that you did.
8. You bite into a tasty apple and a worm jumps out and slithers up
your nose and you can feel it squirm into your sinuses
where it
starts a family
7. You stop to pick up a hooker and you find out its Jeff in a big
blond wig
6. Youre 69ing with a girl and she makes doody on your nose
5. You own an -all you can eat- restaurant and Fat Colella waddles
in
with a pitchfork, a smile, and a bib
4. You shake someones hand and its got gross jism on it and you're
like
"Ug! is that your jism in your hand" and the person
says "it aint MY jism..."
3. You wake up from a drunken blackout and woody is naked and
snuggled up next to you telling you how great
you are
2. You're surfing the web and you accidentally stumble across
a picture of mrs raihall having sex with a deformed
mule
1. Someone comes up to you and says 'Knock Knock' and youre like 'Who's
there?' and theyre like 'Testicle Collector' and
youre like 'Testicle Collector
who?' And theyre like 'Testicle Collector
chops off your testicles' and then
the testicle Collector chops off your testicles.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Worst Things you can Do
-------------------------------
10.Pee in your pants while making a presentation.
9. Ask a nun, "What is Jesus like in the sack?"
8. Take some little kid from the supermarket
and sell him.
7. Slice your weiner off.
6. Have Big Shirley from What's Happening
squat over your
face and diarrhea in your
open mouth.
5. Whistle at a funeral.
4. Go to the cripple ward in the hospital
to workout.
3. Drink out of toilet at work like a dog
and get caught.
2. Wear skis to bed.
1. Sleep in the same room with Jeff Lederer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten WWF Competitors in Bathroom Stall at Work
-----------------------------------------------------
10. The Grunter
9. Strain Boy
8. Wild Willy Wiper
7. Sgt. Diarrhea
6. Bobby "Boom-Boom" Buttblast
5. Fullafart Freddy
4. Stewy Lewis and the Newspaper
3. Whistlin' Willy Crapman
2. Mt. Splashmore
1. Captain Americaca
NAKED GIRLS!!!!
TODD'S
DISGUSTING STORIES
if you wanna read some REALLY sick shit.
and one poem for good luck....
Vaginas on the left
vaginas on the right
vagina vagina
vagina's dynamite
Vagina makes me feel real good
Vagina is as vagina should
Me and vagina get along just fine
You don't want vagina that costs a dime
Vagina got that good stuff goin
Vagina gets the juices flowin
Vagina nifty super keen
vagina nice vagina mean
Girls got vaginas that I like
If girl like vagina then shes a dyke
Girls suck another girlies toes
I like the lesbos thats how it goes
Vagina vagina control us all
makes me feel like 12 feet tall
Vagina and boobies on a cold summer night
not too loose but not too tight
People dont like to say the word vagina
I say it anywhere I just dont minda
Girl vagina boobies butt
I wanna live in the vagina hut
Time to end my vagina rhyme
And go home for vagina time
oh yeah! No vagina waiting dang nap it
Guess I'll have ta go home and jes slap it
All written by me.
If
you steal any of this stuff I reserve the right to kill your mother.
All other rights reserved too...Copyright 1997