Retarded Firefighting Hero

I’m watching this old man eating at a diner counter and smoking his cigarettes and going into his coughing fits and then eating again and I think I’m gonna throw the fuck up.  He has goddamn ketchup all over his face and I notice an ash from his cigarette fell into his coffee before he took a sip.   Enough is enough I’m gonna fuckin heave.  I run to the bathroom and see that the stall door is closed and there’s two feet turned inward with old 80’s style New Balance sneakers.  “Hurry the fuck up in there I’m gonna throw up!” I yell.  The response from behind the door brought me to one conclusion of the person inside… “Retard.” The tone of voice was a dead giveaway- he said in retard voice, “I in here makin numba two!” Fucking retardos- natural comedians. The idea of me puking into a toilet that some retard dirty ass just dumped out a dump made me forcegut my upchuck and I decided to take advantage of a truly disadvantaged.  The black light light bulb popped up over my head and I yell, “Fire! Hurry! The place is on fire! Get out of here! FIRE!”  I see him clumsily retardily stand to his feet and yank the stalldoor open.  His pants and yellowed underwear are around his ankles and his gross retarded dick is hanging free.  “Firwre?!” He asks at me all bug-eyed obviously frightened out of his mind.  “Yes! Fire Fire!! Run! Run!”  He shuffles with his pants down across the bathroom floor and yanks the door open into his own head before doing the pants down shuffle out into the diner.  I lean back against the doorframe and watch him stumble and crash down on the floor then try to get up and he trips over his pants again.  I got a full moon view of his butt with a long piece of doodified toilet paper hanging out of it.  The diner losers are all staring slackjawed at this naked display of true retardation. He finally gets to his feet and shuffles through the restaurant arms waving yelling “Firwre! Fiwre!! Somebody call 1-1-9!” Nothing like the sound of a panicked retard I always say.  He pushes at the front door to the diner and freaks out when it doesn’t open (it needed to be pulled open and not pushed) He looks back at the diners while pushing at the door yelling, "Fiwre!!!!"  Finally he figures it out and pulls the door open and runs out into the street scaring the hell out of a happy family standing outside who saw this retard freak running at them with his pants down yelling “Fiwre!!!!” I heard the children start to scream and cry as the father steps up, kicks the retard in the butt and tells him to get the hell away from his kids. I see the dimwit take off down the street running with arms in the air and turn a corner. The whole scene was so funny that I was beyond laughing, I proudly took in the looks of outrage and disapproval by the patrons as I strutted through the diner calling the place a ‘fucking dump greasehole’ filled with ‘undesirables.’  I followed the path of the retard around the corner where I found him pushed up on the hood of a cop car and a couple police pigs were manhandling the retard happily.  I walked over to the retard and he looked up at me tears in his eyes and said, “The fiwre… It out? Fiwre out?” The cops clinked the cuffs on him and I patted him on the head and said, “Yeah hero… the fire’s out.  You saved the day.” The pigcops chucked him in the back of the patrol car and I saw my retard friend through the window smiling from ear to ear as it obviously was the proudest day of his ridiculous retarded life.

The End