The bathroom at work is aan odd place. One minute youre working with someone the next your hear them in a stall farting out shit with their pants around their ankles. You look for shoes and wonder, “Who is that person with the obvious gastrointestinal problems?” One day I walked into the bathroom and heard someone in a stall rustling a newspaper and shamelessly blasting away with heavy breathing and everything. I knock on the stall door and ask if he’s ok. He seems startled and tells me he’s fine. I put a hand under the stall door and ask him to slap me five on some excellent doody making. He kind of kicks my hand away and asks who I am. I pound on the door demanding to be let in. I tell him I want to see his work and I want to see him in action. He tells me that I’m not funny and tells me go away. I tell him he is an excellent doody maker. I ask him if his doody is stooly. He now seems angered and demands to know who I am. I go over to the urinal and grab a cake and lob it over into his stall. He screams an Ag and seems upset. He tells me fuck you. I kick the door in and see Peter (a Vice President!) all in his most vunerable. He stares back at me and asks me what the hell I’m doing. I tell him I want to be involved with his doody. He wants to know why I’m doing this. I tell him he has no respect for doody. I tell him that everyday a doody gives you pleasure and he’s an inconsiderate fuck. I club him with a fist over his head and knock him off the toilet. He tries to get up and run but his pants around his ankles are presenting a problem. I grab him by his head and dunk his head face first into the toilet. I tell him to look at the doody. He bubbles a scream back at me so I shove his face further into the toilet mushing his face into the doody- then yank him up gasping. His face has some doody stuck to it and i pull him up by his tie and stumble him across the bathroom to the smack his face into the mirror. Look at yourself doody face! look at you! Respect the doody! I tell him! RESPECT! I pull his head back and then smash it into the mirror. The shards of glass cut up his face and brown and blood are running down his cheeks. He seems very surprised and stunned. What a turn of events! One second making doody the next you got toilet water all over your face and doody and youre bleeding and youre having a problem! I throw him back into the stall and hold his face over the toilet. I yell at him to look at the doody! He tells me to let him up. I tell him to look at it. He screams back OK OK I’m looking. I ask him what he sees and he tells me he doesn’t see shit. I grab a hunk of his doody and shove it in his face. I ask him again what he sees and he tells me he sees SHIT OK I SEE MY SHIT! That’s right. I tell him YOUR DOODY! And is it beautiful? I ask him. He tells me that it is beautiful. I ask him if its brown he tells me yes yes it’s brown its brown! That’s right fucker that’s your doody and it’s brown. AND BEAUTIFUL show it some goddamn respect! I respect you doody he tells it. Damn right I say. Now clean yourself up I tell him you look terrible and youre embarrassing the doody. Doody is modest I tell him. That’s what makes it so beautiful. I am so excited all this activity makes me want to doody. Some may say I am doodyfixated or perhaps a bit overly involved with the brown brown- well if you ever hear anyone speaking such blasphemy you point em out and I’ll make sure they learn proper.
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