Murder in the Church
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Going to hell always had a certain appeal to me. I mean I heard that god has
always frowned violence while I've always been drawn to it. If in my heart I
want to smash smash smash someone to bloody pieces I feel that should be my
business. I am human. If heaven will turn me away for being myself, well then,
heaven isn't a place that I would feel comfortable anyway. The problem with all
this is the theory that God is forgiving. Heck, with all the sins already under
my belt I could end up at Heaven's gate and be forgiven for all my sins. Then
where would I be? Sitting up on a cloud with a bunch of losers, strum strumming
a harp and being all doped up on happy bwap with a big smile on my face? Thanks
but no thanks- I'll opt for eternal damnation. So I've been thinking that I
gotta do something that will insure my path will lead me straight to hell.
It's Sunday morning when I walk into the church. I notice it's a pretty
packed house as I gently close the door behind me and take a seat in the back
row. The preacher guy is wrapped up with his emotional speech about how we
should all be good and charitable and blah blah blah. After about five minutes
of suffering through his babble I raise my hand like I have question. I raise
it high. The father at the podium immediately notices it and stutters through a
sentence. He looks away from me and continues with his preaching. I clear my
throat loudly and give my raised hand a little shake. The priest guy stops his
sermon- looks at me, and says, "Uh... I believe we have a question in the
back row..." The whole place turns to look at me as I stand up. "Yes
Father, I do. How does one go to hell?" The place is all mumble mumble and
the priest says, "My son, if you would like to discuss this aft..." I
interrupt with, "HEY! I ASKED YOU A FUCKIN QUESTION! HOW DOES ONE GO TO
HELL!!??" I can see now the church goons are coming out of the shadows as
I start to walk down the aisle toward the alter. I spout, "I MEAN, IF I
WAS TO KILL EVERYONE IN THIS FUCKIN PLACE- WOULD I BE SURE TO GO TO
HELL?!" The church goons are like all hustling down the aisle after me- so
before they can even get close I pull out the Uzi and keep the goons at bay.
The whole place is all screaming and a baby starts crying so I tell everyone to
shut the fuck up and stay in their seats. The whole place quiets down except
for the baby. I thought about putting an end to it- but I felt the crying made
for some nice background music to this whole event. I stepped up to the alter
and walked right up to the priest guy. I put the gun right at his head and
said, "Father, how does one go to hell...?" The priest looked back at
me and said, "Son... I think you're pretty much on your way." I
grabbed him by the shoulder and pushed him off the stage. He tumbled down the
steps falling all awkward like an oldster. "Take a fuckin seat preacher
man." I kept the gun on him until he crawled into a seat. I gazed out on
the churchgoers and the only thing I heard was that baby's beautiful crying.
The crying started to reverberate in my head and it was getting louder. I was
loving it. The crying echoed inside of my skull. I looked out on my new
congregation and said, "I guess you're all wondering what I'm doing here
today... well... you'll be unhappy to know that I'm going to have to murder you
all." The baby screamed even louder like he knew what I just said. I
continued, "See I have to make sure I go to hell and well... this is the
best way I could think of- and it actually works out well for you guys too-
cause heck- you'll get into heaven no problem- getting killed in church has got
to be a free pass through heaven's gate." Someone in the back stood and
said, "Yeah, but.. why do you have to kill all of us? I mean I'm sure if
you kill some of us or even just one of us... you'll still burn in hell. "
Someone from the other side of the church yelled out, "Good point!"
and started to applaud a little. I said back, "Indeed that is a good
question... but I've always gone under the philosophy that it is better to be
safe than sorry..." The baby scream practically split my ears and then I
clicked off the safety and pointed it at my congregation- "Here's to
eternal damnation..." I said as I pulled the trigger. I sprayed the crowd
with bullets and saw brain, blood, and flesh flying everywhere. I cut through
the crowd with back and forth sweeps holding the Uzi with both hands. I kept
shooting keeping a close eye on the door for anyone who tried to get out.
Eventually the pile of bodies by the door just blocked any chance of and exit.
As I clacked in another clip- a vision of god appeared before me floating in
the middle of the church. God spoke to me and said, "Boy, now you done
fuckt up big time! I cant be believin whut I'm seeing- you gonest to be payin
for dis shit yuh ho...uh huh! You'll be payin big! Ya'hear me boy...Big! Dang
nappit!"
And for the first time I could ever remember... I thanked god.
guro