Murder in the Church


Going to hell always had a certain appeal to me. I mean I heard that god has always frowned violence while I've always been drawn to it. If in my heart I want to smash smash smash someone to bloody pieces I feel that should be my business. I am human. If heaven will turn me away for being myself, well then, heaven isn't a place that I would feel comfortable anyway. The problem with all this is the theory that God is forgiving. Heck, with all the sins already under my belt I could end up at Heaven's gate and be forgiven for all my sins. Then where would I be? Sitting up on a cloud with a bunch of losers, strum strumming a harp and being all doped up on happy bwap with a big smile on my face? Thanks but no thanks- I'll opt for eternal damnation. So I've been thinking that I gotta do something that will insure my path will lead me straight to hell.

It's Sunday morning when I walk into the church. I notice it's a pretty packed house as I gently close the door behind me and take a seat in the back row. The preacher guy is wrapped up with his emotional speech about how we should all be good and charitable and blah blah blah. After about five minutes of suffering through his babble I raise my hand like I have question. I raise it high. The father at the podium immediately notices it and stutters through a sentence. He looks away from me and continues with his preaching. I clear my throat loudly and give my raised hand a little shake. The priest guy stops his sermon- looks at me, and says, "Uh... I believe we have a question in the back row..." The whole place turns to look at me as I stand up. "Yes Father, I do. How does one go to hell?" The place is all mumble mumble and the priest says, "My son, if you would like to discuss this aft..." I interrupt with, "HEY! I ASKED YOU A FUCKIN QUESTION! HOW DOES ONE GO TO HELL!!??" I can see now the church goons are coming out of the shadows as I start to walk down the aisle toward the alter. I spout, "I MEAN, IF I WAS TO KILL EVERYONE IN THIS FUCKIN PLACE- WOULD I BE SURE TO GO TO HELL?!" The church goons are like all hustling down the aisle after me- so before they can even get close I pull out the Uzi and keep the goons at bay. The whole place is all screaming and a baby starts crying so I tell everyone to shut the fuck up and stay in their seats. The whole place quiets down except for the baby. I thought about putting an end to it- but I felt the crying made for some nice background music to this whole event. I stepped up to the alter and walked right up to the priest guy. I put the gun right at his head and said, "Father, how does one go to hell...?" The priest looked back at me and said, "Son... I think you're pretty much on your way." I grabbed him by the shoulder and pushed him off the stage. He tumbled down the steps falling all awkward like an oldster. "Take a fuckin seat preacher man." I kept the gun on him until he crawled into a seat. I gazed out on the churchgoers and the only thing I heard was that baby's beautiful crying. The crying started to reverberate in my head and it was getting louder. I was loving it. The crying echoed inside of my skull. I looked out on my new congregation and said, "I guess you're all wondering what I'm doing here today... well... you'll be unhappy to know that I'm going to have to murder you all." The baby screamed even louder like he knew what I just said. I continued, "See I have to make sure I go to hell and well... this is the best way I could think of- and it actually works out well for you guys too- cause heck- you'll get into heaven no problem- getting killed in church has got to be a free pass through heaven's gate." Someone in the back stood and said, "Yeah, but.. why do you have to kill all of us? I mean I'm sure if you kill some of us or even just one of us... you'll still burn in hell. " Someone from the other side of the church yelled out, "Good point!" and started to applaud a little. I said back, "Indeed that is a good question... but I've always gone under the philosophy that it is better to be safe than sorry..." The baby scream practically split my ears and then I clicked off the safety and pointed it at my congregation- "Here's to eternal damnation..." I said as I pulled the trigger. I sprayed the crowd with bullets and saw brain, blood, and flesh flying everywhere. I cut through the crowd with back and forth sweeps holding the Uzi with both hands. I kept shooting keeping a close eye on the door for anyone who tried to get out. Eventually the pile of bodies by the door just blocked any chance of and exit. As I clacked in another clip- a vision of god appeared before me floating in the middle of the church. God spoke to me and said, "Boy, now you done fuckt up big time! I cant be believin whut I'm seeing- you gonest to be payin for dis shit yuh ho...uh huh! You'll be payin big! Ya'hear me boy...Big! Dang nappit!"

And for the first time I could ever remember... I thanked god.


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