Sometimes it pays to kill.  Lemme give you an example.  I killed this guy once and he had money on him so I took his money and then it was my money.  That was cool.  I got paid for my murdering which I feel is appropriate cause it takes effort to murder.  You gotta buy a knife or a club or whatever.  You gotta take the bus somewhere- that costs money too.  Let’s not even get into dry cleaning (blood stains are real bitches!) I killed a baby once and he didn’t have any money. I took his rattling frog but I got bored with it after ten or twelve hours and I couldn’t even sell it because by the time I was done playing ,it was all ruined.  I learned a lesson that day- don’t ruin stuff that you might want to sell, but that’s a hard policy to live by because ruining stuff is so much fun.  Like this old lady for example.  I ruined her and then selling her was out of the question.  Always keep the head! Don’t throw it around! Heads are worth something to someone I think. Not feet though -feet are anonymous.  But murdering is something that I’m good at and I deserve to make some more cash for it- not just the twenty or forty bucks here or there and no more goddamn baby rattles! I want to branch out in my profession and start making some cash but it takes time and effort.  I could only kill rich people but sometimes they only have credit cards and crap so you can’t count on them.  But you know who make a lot of money. TV stars! If I could get my own show. Like The Super Smash Smash Murder Hour or something- then I can make money from the TV people!  That would be cool plus I could do commercials and stuff and that’s where you can make a lot of money. I decide to get started immediately and shoot a pilot.

I go out to the airport to look for one and wait in the parking lot.  I sit and wait and fall asleep.  I dream of my future success- with money you can buy a lot of stuff and have a nice kitchen.  I wake up to the noise of keys rattling I look over and three cars down I see a pilot getting into his car. I jump out and run right at him shooting. The footage is great! The gunfire live! His death convulsions are powerful! The pilot catches the bullets in his chest and face with such realism and the bullet that catches him in the neck realeases a stream of slo mo blood spurt! He’s down for good.  This show got all the good stuff in it. Excitement, action, and surprise! And what else… humor… hmmm… wait a minute… it’s lacking humor.  I pull up the pilot and prop him up against a car. He sure is dead.  I sit on the trunk of the car and move his hands around like a puppet. La la la puppet puppet puppet! I try and get him to dance a little then toss him to the ground.  There! Humor!  I see flashing lights approaching and I sit with pen in hand waiting for my contract.  These network guys sure seem in a hurry!  CBS, NBC or ABC all are speeding toward me.  I wait for my success but before they arrive I lift the pilots wallet. 60 bucks not bad!  I’m sure my show will be a success but it’s always best to not quit your day job before all the papers are signed.


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