The Celebration of Evolution

There’s nothing like the feeling of going crazy in public.  For a few years now I’ve struggled day after day just to project an image of normalcy while underneath my surface I was teeming the maggots of insanity which were constantly chowing down on the dying meat of my soul.  In all conversations I am always vaguely distracted- not by voices like so many pseudonuts claim to hear, but it’s more like I’m distracted by watching the person who was talking.  The voice that carried from me was the other voice.  Occasionally I would have to make fists of my hands to keep control over myself.  My inner thoughts often focus on violence and the idea of the ‘inside’ parts of the people that I speak with.  I hold down a full time job and give off the impression that I am quirky, but inside my mind the rubberband is stretching to capacity and one snap and it will be an irreparable change to my reality- which I often look forward to as it would end my struggle with self.

I sit in my cubicle and process the papers that are put before me one foot in front of the other one paper at a time.  Today was especially awkward in terms of my inner emotions.  I feel as though I’m walking a tightrope and concentrating fully on not falling off into the void of insanity which calls out to me like a soft sponge to cushion my impact when I do fall.  I stamp a piece of paper and the vibration almost tips me.  A deep breath again and I’m centered.   Sweating badly I realize and am turning red but I’m holding it together I am I am I am I am… please god not now…. Not today… I’m not prepared… I’m not strong enough to go off yet… please…

As if god heard my words and let me know there was no better time than the present, I felt a hard slap on my back from Greg- one of my coworkers.  “Hey buddy… what’s going on?  You sick or something?”  I’m teetering on one leg and the calls from below are growing louder and more inviting.  A hard grip on my shoulder and a little massage curdles what’s left of my compassion.  “Hey man…you’re sweating… Gross man… Hey… could I have a sip of your soda?” I hear.  Greg grabs the can of my desk and slurps down a double gulp and then puts the soda down infront of me.  “hey man… you look like shit…what about going home early…?”

I decided to take greg up on his order and I let myself fall.  I let myself fall down as I rose up and palmed my coworkers face and shoved him backwards.  His arms waving as I fell to the new life and the screaming chimed in.  I watched from below as Greg fell backwards over a chair and crawled crablike away from me.   The person that was me stood and stared at greg who had backed himself into a desk and was mumbling his “What the fucks”  The chair came with me as I approached him and started to tell him how all of what was about to happen really wasn’t his fault- how he had just caught me on the wrong day.  The most wrong day.  Alright? The chair swung down and it cracked down on his head.  It didn’t break apart like in the movies it just send a vibration up my arms and held true.  As for greg’s head it wasn’t so true anymore.  It was cracked and already gushing blood.  I stood on either side of his head and squatted like a dog I sunk my hands into his flesh started digging with my hands into his face like a dog digging up a bone.  Shreds of  skin and eye my fingers caught in his nostrils and I just ripped right through and muscle flew out from between my legs as I dismantled my first visitor to my new world.  I was a one man welcoming committee who was getting a right kick out of seeing the skull beneath this hasbeen.  He now fit into my world.  I turned to the other coworkers who stood frozen in time and approached them with hunks of flesh dripping from between my fingers.  They scattered like rats as I walked back to my desk, picked up the phone, and called my mother to see if she could still be reached.


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