Conversations, Reflections & Meditations


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Sign Guestbook \| View Guestbook Comments? Questions? [email protected]	Prayer topics Oh to Have Simple, Total Trust In You Time Alone Only God's Dreams I Want to Hear God's Voice Alone Oh to Have Simple, Total Trust in You Date: April 26, 2005 Dear Heavenly Father, My head is swirling and I cannot sleep. One moment I am laying here just praising and loving You, the next moment hugging my teddy bear and thinking about my husband who is away again, the next moment thinking about how I can raise money (getting ideas, then feeling guilty that I’m not trusting You and just waiting for Your will, and feeling like I should be doing the things I’m thinking of “for free” because they seem like a service or ministry, because they are things that have to do with the way You’ve made and gifted me.) I wonder, is it “guilt” I am feeling, or is it Your voice, Your Spirit, holding me back? I told You my mind is swirling! I’m sorry, Lord. I am so tired and so sick, that I am getting weird and hysterical. Forgive me my foolishness, my lack of trust in You, my failure to keep my eyes fixed on You, Jesus, and my failure to walk and to rest in Your Spirit. Please forgive me, wash me anew, refill me with Your Spirit, comfort me and teach me. And if it be Your will, please use my in the way You will. Oh dear God, to have simple, total trust in You. Not simple in terms of ease, but in terms of non-confusion, of single-mindedness and single focus, single heartedness, simple trusting in You alone. Oh dear God, that’s what I long for. Just walking, step by step, totally in tune with You, accepting peacefully, gratefully, restingly, willingly, obediently, hopefully – full of eternal hope! – lovingly, worshipfully, for Your glory, whatever comes along, Lord. Dear God, You know how much I love my daughter. How much I want to help her. But perhaps what she really needs most of all is for me to let her go, so that she is free to follow and please You. Maybe she feels she must please me, gain my acceptance, love, forgiveness. Oh, Lord, how do I show her that she is free of me? Free to trust You alone? How do I keep my hands off? Show me, Lord, what You would have me do or say. Please. I don’t know. Maybe You do have a “job” for me. I don’t seem to have had much success with home based business. I’m not a good salesperson. No-one seemed too interested in my secretarial business. Not too much in my tutoring either. Nobody really wanted me to organize for them. I had so many ideas. I was so often sure they were from You, and yet they seemed to go nowhere. Maybe they weren’t from You, though they sometimes raised a bit of cash at the time, and did allow me to stay home and care for my family, home school them, learn from Your word. Maybe they were learning experiences. I don’t know. I didn’t get rich in the terms of the world. Even my “real” job experiences weren’t often long lasting or successful in money, in worldly success kind of ways, although in all of these cases I did find enjoyment, satisfaction, even some joy and excitement. And almost always, I knew clearly that You were there. I know now that Your ways are not the world’s ways. You have always provided, though surely not in the way the world would expect. You are a great, great, great, wonderful, perfect, amazing Lord and God and I love You and praise and worship You. I don’t know what You have in mind for me. I just want Your will. Period. And yes, I’m willing to stop thinking about it, and let it all go till You work it all out in Your time and way. Right now I do let go. Goodnight, Lord. Amen. Peace. Rest. Joy – quiet, sunshine warming slowly through me, yellow, pale, daffodils, spring blossoms. I love You, Lord. Thank You. Return to the top Time Alone Date: April 23, 2005 In Margaret Craven’s book, she talks about how, to be a good writer, one must spend a lot of time alone. And my experience preparing for teaching has convinced me that teaching requires a lot of study time, most often alone. But it seems like time alone is hard to come by, especially for a mom and wife. I read about great preachers, great prayer warriors, etc, and almost invariably they are men who leave the details and work of daily living to their wives and or/housekeepers. Or they are women who are single, or their families are grown, or they are well enough off to have hired help. Even Susannah Wesley had a cook, a gardener, a maid and a butler, as I recall from her biography. And a few of them just seem to have been gifted with extraordinary strength and need for little sleep. I seem to be severely lacking in the super-strength category these days, and even with just two kids at home, and my hubby when he’s in from work, and my part-time teaching job (well, it does include an awful lot of prep, marking etc!), and my paper-routes (that should be keeping me exercised, full of fresh air, and healthy, as well as giving me time alone with the Lord as I go along), it seems like it is all I can do to plod along and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Though I do have moments of refreshing, yes, joy! with the almost overwhelming scent of flowers and blossoms, and the cool-warmth of the early morning hours, and the beauty of the view over the lake as the day dawns while I deliver papers. So, I don’t know what all this is about. Maybe it is the Lord slowing me down, forcing me to prioritize, to seek His way, to rely on Him alone, to do His bidding in His strength. Only it seems to me that I have an awful hard time figuring out what that might be. I try to just live day by day, moment by moment, and take what comes and deal with it as it arrives, trusting that it is sent by God and must be His purpose. But I’m supposing now that I’m probably also supposed to be saying “no” to things that are obviously not His priority or gifting for me. I guess I’ve always been a “Jill of all trades” and in some respects that’s a useful skill for a mom with five kids! But I’m thinking now that maybe God wants me to narrow my responsibilities, actions, interests, activities and even relationships, in order to really focus on Him and whatever it is that He has been preparing me for all this time. Return to the top Only God's Dreams Date: April 25, 2005 No more my dreams… only God’s dreams now! I think we, as Christians – or at least me – have become as navel-gazing as the world around us. We’ve accepted the “know thyself” philosophy instead of desiring only to know God. How can I be like Christ when I’m constantly considering my life, my talents, my vision? I say they are His, but are they really? They might be, but… as long as I worry about myself (and yes, that is what I have been doing) how can I ever lift my eyes totally and permanently to focus on Him? Pretty shocking, eh? So much for resumes! Return to the top I Want to Hear God's Voice Alone Date: April 25, 2005 I am always trying so hard. I feel driven to “do” for You, Lord, and for everyone else. Because, maybe, it is what a “good, Christian girl” – or at least a responsible girl, wife, mother, woman, is apparently supposed to do I see some people who are able to relax. But then I think they are just slacking to waste time. How do some people manage to just kind of wander through their days? I don’t think that is the intention or purpose for us either. But Lord, where does my panic come from? And can You please help me get rid of it? What does “loving God and living for His glory alone" really mean? It is obviously more than a warm, mushy feeling, or a great worship service, and more than “serving God in all aspects of my life” the way I’ve been trying to do, which I am beginning to think has been a “doing” approach rather than a “being” approach. How, how, how do I really love God? How, how, how do I really glorify Him? What does it really mean? I’m beginning to realize that what I really want is to hear directly from God alone! That is, directly from His Word and through His Spirit, through His great salvation. I want all of God in my life and in my relationship with Him – Father, Son, Spirit. One. I have so little energy. I run myself down so quickly, running here and there, trying to figure things out. And so often I find myself realizing that pretty much all the time I am mixing up worldly philosophy into what I am learning. But I want to be like Jesus. I want to hear the Father alone, clear and absolute, with all the other strident voices of the world and the enemy totally filtered out. Jesus had all those voices around Him too, but He heard and obeyed the Father alone! I want to go to God’s Word, with the teaching of His Spirit to find out more of what exactly is His will and purpose. Maybe I will really get to know Him! If I know Him, truly, then maybe it will be impossible not to love and glorify Him in every aspect of my being. I want things now. I have a hard time waiting, growing slowly. I’m almost 50 years old already, and I feel like I know so little, know God so little, love Him so little, glorify Him so little. And I feel so panicked. So little time! I want to share Him with others. I want others to be excited about Him. I want others to love Him! If I have this great desire, does it not come from You, Lord? Does it not mean that I do know and love, and even glorify You at least a little? Thank You. Surely it must. It just seems so little to me. You gave me a big imagination. You put an amazing universe around me. I know there has to be more, more, more. I feel caught in a tiny little box, a cage, in the midst of Your glory. And I fear – I know – that cage is of my own making. But I don’t know how to break loose of it. I know only You can break me loose, but You won’t do that unless I “let go” – whatever that means. I don’t know how to let go! I am so frustrated. My head aches. My brain feels like it is trying to burst out of my head. Maybe intellect is not an advantage in some respects? Sometimes I feel envious, just a little, of people who just seem to accept so easily. I just let out a huge sigh. I guess I needed to get all that out. I didn’t even know what it was, really, until I wrote it. Why do I need to write so much? Because I don’t know how to talk – really communicate – with You any other way? (like praying…) Is it a problem in our society where we are always in such a rush that we don’t have time to just sit and talk to You, alone and together? And to talk about You with each other, really seek You, seek Your will, purpose, glory. Accept Your love, and love You back? Okay, yes. You’re right. I’ve talked enough. Time to put away my thoughts, man’s books, even my notes, and just focus on You and Your Word. Return to the top
Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family


	Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family
Sign Guestbook \| View Guestbook Comments? Questions? [email protected]	Prayer topics Oh to Have Simple, Total Trust In You Time Alone Only God's Dreams I Want to Hear God's Voice Alone Oh to Have Simple, Total Trust in You Date: April 26, 2005 Dear Heavenly Father, My head is swirling and I cannot sleep. One moment I am laying here just praising and loving You, the next moment hugging my teddy bear and thinking about my husband who is away again, the next moment thinking about how I can raise money (getting ideas, then feeling guilty that I’m not trusting You and just waiting for Your will, and feeling like I should be doing the things I’m thinking of “for free” because they seem like a service or ministry, because they are things that have to do with the way You’ve made and gifted me.) I wonder, is it “guilt” I am feeling, or is it Your voice, Your Spirit, holding me back? I told You my mind is swirling! I’m sorry, Lord. I am so tired and so sick, that I am getting weird and hysterical. Forgive me my foolishness, my lack of trust in You, my failure to keep my eyes fixed on You, Jesus, and my failure to walk and to rest in Your Spirit. Please forgive me, wash me anew, refill me with Your Spirit, comfort me and teach me. And if it be Your will, please use my in the way You will. Oh dear God, to have simple, total trust in You. Not simple in terms of ease, but in terms of non-confusion, of single-mindedness and single focus, single heartedness, simple trusting in You alone. Oh dear God, that’s what I long for. Just walking, step by step, totally in tune with You, accepting peacefully, gratefully, restingly, willingly, obediently, hopefully – full of eternal hope! – lovingly, worshipfully, for Your glory, whatever comes along, Lord. Dear God, You know how much I love my daughter. How much I want to help her. But perhaps what she really needs most of all is for me to let her go, so that she is free to follow and please You. Maybe she feels she must please me, gain my acceptance, love, forgiveness. Oh, Lord, how do I show her that she is free of me? Free to trust You alone? How do I keep my hands off? Show me, Lord, what You would have me do or say. Please. I don’t know. Maybe You do have a “job” for me. I don’t seem to have had much success with home based business. I’m not a good salesperson. No-one seemed too interested in my secretarial business. Not too much in my tutoring either. Nobody really wanted me to organize for them. I had so many ideas. I was so often sure they were from You, and yet they seemed to go nowhere. Maybe they weren’t from You, though they sometimes raised a bit of cash at the time, and did allow me to stay home and care for my family, home school them, learn from Your word. Maybe they were learning experiences. I don’t know. I didn’t get rich in the terms of the world. Even my “real” job experiences weren’t often long lasting or successful in money, in worldly success kind of ways, although in all of these cases I did find enjoyment, satisfaction, even some joy and excitement. And almost always, I knew clearly that You were there. I know now that Your ways are not the world’s ways. You have always provided, though surely not in the way the world would expect. You are a great, great, great, wonderful, perfect, amazing Lord and God and I love You and praise and worship You. I don’t know what You have in mind for me. I just want Your will. Period. And yes, I’m willing to stop thinking about it, and let it all go till You work it all out in Your time and way. Right now I do let go. Goodnight, Lord. Amen. Peace. Rest. Joy – quiet, sunshine warming slowly through me, yellow, pale, daffodils, spring blossoms. I love You, Lord. Thank You. Return to the top Time Alone Date: April 23, 2005 In Margaret Craven’s book, she talks about how, to be a good writer, one must spend a lot of time alone. And my experience preparing for teaching has convinced me that teaching requires a lot of study time, most often alone. But it seems like time alone is hard to come by, especially for a mom and wife. I read about great preachers, great prayer warriors, etc, and almost invariably they are men who leave the details and work of daily living to their wives and or/housekeepers. Or they are women who are single, or their families are grown, or they are well enough off to have hired help. Even Susannah Wesley had a cook, a gardener, a maid and a butler, as I recall from her biography. And a few of them just seem to have been gifted with extraordinary strength and need for little sleep. I seem to be severely lacking in the super-strength category these days, and even with just two kids at home, and my hubby when he’s in from work, and my part-time teaching job (well, it does include an awful lot of prep, marking etc!), and my paper-routes (that should be keeping me exercised, full of fresh air, and healthy, as well as giving me time alone with the Lord as I go along), it seems like it is all I can do to plod along and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Though I do have moments of refreshing, yes, joy! with the almost overwhelming scent of flowers and blossoms, and the cool-warmth of the early morning hours, and the beauty of the view over the lake as the day dawns while I deliver papers. So, I don’t know what all this is about. Maybe it is the Lord slowing me down, forcing me to prioritize, to seek His way, to rely on Him alone, to do His bidding in His strength. Only it seems to me that I have an awful hard time figuring out what that might be. I try to just live day by day, moment by moment, and take what comes and deal with it as it arrives, trusting that it is sent by God and must be His purpose. But I’m supposing now that I’m probably also supposed to be saying “no” to things that are obviously not His priority or gifting for me. I guess I’ve always been a “Jill of all trades” and in some respects that’s a useful skill for a mom with five kids! But I’m thinking now that maybe God wants me to narrow my responsibilities, actions, interests, activities and even relationships, in order to really focus on Him and whatever it is that He has been preparing me for all this time. Return to the top Only God's Dreams Date: April 25, 2005 No more my dreams… only God’s dreams now! I think we, as Christians – or at least me – have become as navel-gazing as the world around us. We’ve accepted the “know thyself” philosophy instead of desiring only to know God. How can I be like Christ when I’m constantly considering my life, my talents, my vision? I say they are His, but are they really? They might be, but… as long as I worry about myself (and yes, that is what I have been doing) how can I ever lift my eyes totally and permanently to focus on Him? Pretty shocking, eh? So much for resumes! Return to the top I Want to Hear God's Voice Alone Date: April 25, 2005 I am always trying so hard. I feel driven to “do” for You, Lord, and for everyone else. Because, maybe, it is what a “good, Christian girl” – or at least a responsible girl, wife, mother, woman, is apparently supposed to do I see some people who are able to relax. But then I think they are just slacking to waste time. How do some people manage to just kind of wander through their days? I don’t think that is the intention or purpose for us either. But Lord, where does my panic come from? And can You please help me get rid of it? What does “loving God and living for His glory alone" really mean? It is obviously more than a warm, mushy feeling, or a great worship service, and more than “serving God in all aspects of my life” the way I’ve been trying to do, which I am beginning to think has been a “doing” approach rather than a “being” approach. How, how, how do I really love God? How, how, how do I really glorify Him? What does it really mean? I’m beginning to realize that what I really want is to hear directly from God alone! That is, directly from His Word and through His Spirit, through His great salvation. I want all of God in my life and in my relationship with Him – Father, Son, Spirit. One. I have so little energy. I run myself down so quickly, running here and there, trying to figure things out. And so often I find myself realizing that pretty much all the time I am mixing up worldly philosophy into what I am learning. But I want to be like Jesus. I want to hear the Father alone, clear and absolute, with all the other strident voices of the world and the enemy totally filtered out. Jesus had all those voices around Him too, but He heard and obeyed the Father alone! I want to go to God’s Word, with the teaching of His Spirit to find out more of what exactly is His will and purpose. Maybe I will really get to know Him! If I know Him, truly, then maybe it will be impossible not to love and glorify Him in every aspect of my being. I want things now. I have a hard time waiting, growing slowly. I’m almost 50 years old already, and I feel like I know so little, know God so little, love Him so little, glorify Him so little. And I feel so panicked. So little time! I want to share Him with others. I want others to be excited about Him. I want others to love Him! If I have this great desire, does it not come from You, Lord? Does it not mean that I do know and love, and even glorify You at least a little? Thank You. Surely it must. It just seems so little to me. You gave me a big imagination. You put an amazing universe around me. I know there has to be more, more, more. I feel caught in a tiny little box, a cage, in the midst of Your glory. And I fear – I know – that cage is of my own making. But I don’t know how to break loose of it. I know only You can break me loose, but You won’t do that unless I “let go” – whatever that means. I don’t know how to let go! I am so frustrated. My head aches. My brain feels like it is trying to burst out of my head. Maybe intellect is not an advantage in some respects? Sometimes I feel envious, just a little, of people who just seem to accept so easily. I just let out a huge sigh. I guess I needed to get all that out. I didn’t even know what it was, really, until I wrote it. Why do I need to write so much? Because I don’t know how to talk – really communicate – with You any other way? (like praying…) Is it a problem in our society where we are always in such a rush that we don’t have time to just sit and talk to You, alone and together? And to talk about You with each other, really seek You, seek Your will, purpose, glory. Accept Your love, and love You back? Okay, yes. You’re right. I’ve talked enough. Time to put away my thoughts, man’s books, even my notes, and just focus on You and Your Word. Return to the top
Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family