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Use Me Lord
Slow Down
Prayer
Wasted Years
Keep Me Humble
Amazing Grace

Use Me Lord
Date: July 8, 2005

Most of my life, I have been told that I am good at writing, but I did not write much because I felt I did not have anything to say that has not already been written in better ways than I could write. At times I have been "passionate" about something, like home schooling, or I have had an opportunity to write something that appealed to me, like the "Masset Sounds" column, or I have been involved in an interesting on-going discussion with other writers via letter or email. In those cases, for periods of time, my writing output increased, and my writing even improved. But now - now I feel as though I have the most important thing in the world to write about, to communicate to a lost world of sinners, and also to a church which needs to open its eyes, fix them on God, grow in relationship with Him, and build His Kingdom. And so I want to write. But I don't want to write "my" words, Lord. I want only to write Yours.

I have been reading, again, books like J.R.W. Stott's Basic Christianity and Paul Little's Know What You Believe, and it struck me that I need to really focus on the "basics" if I am to grow more myself, and if I am to share with others the good news of the gospel. And then I thought to myself, "Is this what God is really preparing me for? Teaching, building up believers, drawing new believers into the Kingdom, through clear communication - teaching classes, writing, camp and retreat ministry, missions, even preaching - of the Word of God? And maybe using my hospitality skills (gift?) alongside? I don't know the details, but I do know that You are working out Your purpose and vision for me, Lord. Meanwhile, please use me here and now in any way that You will.

But, oh, dear God, I can't do it myself. I'm old, tired, and not as smart as I once thought! I need Your power, strength, wisdom, resources. And I need Your work in my self, in my family, in my relationship with people in our church. And most of all, I need You to help me love and relate to You. Keep me humble, please, Lord. May all my life be about You alone, for Your glory and honour and power. Hide me in the shadow of Your old rugged cross, dear Jesus. Fill me, overflow me, Holy Spirit. Keep me always Your little, helpless, trusting child, dear Heavenly Father.

I love You, Lord! Thank You for speaking to me by Your Word, by Your Spirit, through writers You have inspired, through Your children, through life's circumstances, through nature, through the experiences of Your church. Oh, You do want to know me and use me! What a huge, amazing, startling concept! Praise God! How can You, the great and only God, love me? I don't understand it, but I am so glad it is true. Help me to love You, too, Lord God, with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and help me to love my neighbour as myself. In Jesus' name. Hallelujah!

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Slow Down
Date: July 11, 2005

No matter how fast I go, how hard I push myself, how many things I pack into my life (even the "good" things, like the spiritual disciplines), it remains that God does His work in His time, and uses only that - out of all my effort - that He led, called for, intended. I believe that most of what I do under a sense of panic, are thus works of my own, precipitated by listening to the enemy saying, "Hurry! Hurry! There isn't much time! You better get doing!" It is true we are to "redeem the time" but that doesn't, I am sure, mean running about wildly, doing, doing - even with good intentions - and falling inexorably, though unintentionally, out of fellowship, relationship, rest, and communion with the Lord!

Thus it is necessary that I slow down, relax, listen carefully, meditate slowly, spend time with inner silence, just waiting upon the Lord. There are things to do every day, but I must carefully, thoughtfully set priorities and cast off - learn to say "no!" - to the rest. At the same time I must be alert and prepared, (including being rested, in the full sense of that word), to the daily, unexpected opportunities God places in my path. It is wrong to waste time on frittery things like worldly "fluff" magazines, or to be so disorganized that even the priorities, the primary responsibilities to my God, family and so on, are lost, washed away. But at the same time, it is wrong to so pack my schedule with innumerable, so-called worthy projects, that I no longer have time for garden-walking and love-building with the Lord and others, no space to allow for His grace workings in my life, and through me, in the lives of others.

Oh, dear God, please help me to live a life of balance, with You every moment at the centre. Help me to remember every moment that even in the primary responsibilities every single detail is actually about You and Your will, purposes, and glory. Help me to focus on You completely. Let every moment of my existence truly be a "God moment." Please, dear God, truly and totally and eternally be the core of "me."

Thank You for this message, Lord. I believe it is from You. I certainly wasn't planning it. I often wonder that I have not heard a particular message before, but now I realize that it is quite possible I've heard a thing before, but just never encountered You, Lord, in the hearing. Maybe my ears and heart were closed to hear and truly perceive ("always hearing but not understanding"), maybe it just wasn't Your timing, maybe sometimes I didn't want to hear it. Maybe I was lacking in submission or obedience. Maybe I didn't yet have the necessary underpinnings of knowledge, of growth and relationship with You, of maturity, of experience, of circumstances pulling together to become really relevant in my life. Maybe I was quenching the Spirit, or had not yet been open enough and submitted enough to You to hear the voice of Your Spirit showing me Your plans, times and purposes for my life.

Oh, Lord, please help me to be restful. Cleanse me of this panic to rush ahead. Help me to do nothing without asking You first, even if it seems incredibly important and exceptionally vital and even exciting to me - even if I "feel" it is of You. Help me to trust in You, not on my feelings. Thank You. Amen.

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Prayer
Date: July 12, 2005

Lord, I want my prayers - and my possible writing and teaching about prayer - to be only Your's alone. I've wanted to learn to really learn to pray, and to encourage others in prayer, for many years. I always found prayer "difficult," which surprised a lot of people. I think maybe that at least part of my problem was that I was always looking for the "perfect method." I found some which seemed good, and I'd use them, with some success for a period of time. When I say "methods," I mean things like "ACTS" (Adoration, Confessions, Thanksgiving, Supplication), following the outline of the Lord's Prayer, prayer walking, prayer lists, even studying prayer by looking up Bible references, and reading books on prayer. I've tried all those things, and while I think they all have value, I was really missing the point about prayer.

Plain and simple, prayer is communion with You. That is why it "improves" when I really focus on knowing and loving You. My "prayer time" has become so much less "formal." In fact, I sometimes get concerned that I'm not praying enough. And then I realize that often I am having a "running conversation" with You - I am learning to "pray without ceasing!" Yes, I still do have "dedicated" prayer times (less often, perhaps, than I should); and I do have so much still to learn. In fact, I feel as though I am just finally starting out of the journey; that for years I've just been preparing, packing the tent, taking a look at the road map. Well, You do have us spend a lot of "getting ready" time for most things You want us to do. But I have also been a bit nervous about stepping out, I think. And, I expect, finding out what prayer isn't, does help one to define more clearly what it is!

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Wasted Years
Date: July 12, 2005

Dear God, You do redeem the years that the caterpillar has destroyed! (I don't remember the exact words of that saying, but I know now what it means). Amazing grace! Mercy! Love beyond degree! Redemption of course starts with You washing my sins away, making my spirit new, and that is wondrous beyond degree. But oh that You would also take the wasted years, and bring good out of them!

And - I should not feel that the years past, when I had already become Your child, but was busy, busy with all my little ones and with work, and seemed to barely grow in You, were years of failure. In some respects, perhaps, they were, but it was also a time when You were grounding and rooting me, teaching me how much I need You, developing in me a longing to go deeper and deeper in the love of Jesus. When we have to wait, it seems that our desire increases. Thank You, Lord. Every moment is in Your hands. Yes, we make wrong choices, and sometimes we just don't seem to care, or we get distracted and bound up in things of this world, taking our eyes off You for a time - yet You continue to love us, and You redeem even those times. "Amazing mercy, grace unknown, and love beyond degree!" Thank You!

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Keep Me Humble
Date: July 15, 2005

Dear God, At first I was so hyped by the prospect of teaching these classes on prayer and so on, but later I have become, not afraid, but awed, humbled, feeling inadequate in myself for this great and awesome responsibility.
"I need Thee, O I need Thee, Every hour I need Thee,
Bless me now, my Saviour, I come to Thee."
It is You that must do this work, Lord. It is Your work. Only Your strength and Your love and Your knowledge of men's hearts and Your mercy and loving kindness is sufficient to do this work sufficiently and properly, Lord. Keep me always, I pray, in the shadow of - indeed, behind - the old rugged cross, under the precious healing and eternally saving blood of Jesus, my Lord and Savior Christ! Thank you.

Keep me humble, dear Lord. This is the thing I "fear" most: that I will become proud and no longer give all the glory to You, and no longer depend on You alone for all aspects of this great work You wish to do through me. Help me, Lord. It is Yours! Amen.

Thank You for this awesome day. Thank You for the awesome opportunities. I love You, Lord! What a mighty God we serve. I do love You, Lord!

...I love you, too, My child.

Yes, I know! Thank You, Lord!

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Amazing Grace
Date: July 16, 2005

Thank You, Lord for healing and changing my heart, for helping me be less critical, maybe more constructive and appreciative of others. Thank You for giving me the courage to apologize. Thank You so much! You are so merciful, kind, helping and guiding. Thank You for working through Your Holy Spirit. Thank You, dear Jesus, for interceding for me before the Father, before Whom I could not otherwise come but by Your blood and by Your continual intercession. Thank You for Your amazing, totally undeserved grace (indeed, all I deserve is judgment, but You have bought me and brought me into a relationship of love with You, my Lord and my God! "Amazing mercy, love unknown, and grace beyond degree!"

Oh Lord, keep my heart pure, so that the words of my lips may also be pure.

Thank You for a pleasant day. I don't know if I had any special "opportunities" to speak of You today, except to spend some quality time with my family. Thank You for that. I find it harder to speak of You with my family than with others, Lord. I have to say that I think, from scripture, that this is wrong. You know that when the kids were younger I was pretty strongly trying to teach them Your ways, but in the last few years when I opened my mouth about it, it just caused major trouble! You know I have tried to live Your way. Many times I have failed, but I hope - trust - that You will use that as far as it lies within Your plans and purposes alone. Thank You. And You know that I am trying to leave leadership opportunities open for my husband, and for the work You are doing in his - and my - heart.

I'm very, very tired, so I'm going to sleep now. Thank You again for Your amazing great love, Lord.

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