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Submission, Cleansing, Your Tears of Mercy and Grace
Thank You For Your Presence

Submission, Cleansing, Your Tears of Mercy and Grace
Date: February 26, 2007

Dear Heavenly Father,

Yesterday at church I went forward -- just between You and me. It was good the pastor did not see, because then maybe it would have been about "me"... it is so easy and tempting to make things -- everything -- about "me"! But Father God, You know my heart, You know how I long to walk close after You. You know that I went up yesterday because it was Your call for me, it was what I have been seeking for but not finding, somehow, for so long. It's like that book, "They Found the Secret." I've known it in my head, but I couldn't seem to get ahold of You. Oh dear God, I want to get ahold of You, have You get aholdof me... and never, ever let go. Ever.

Lord, it is true that I wept. I didn't "feel" so much of anything, but the tears came just the same -- if anything, tears that came from You, that did not come from me (from a desire to be noticed and approved and perceived/seen as somehow "holier than thou" -- oh, Lord, this is a desire of "me" that I struggle with, that seeks to overcome me all the time, that my flesh would use to drag me down and take my spirit away from attending to and loving You). Lord, I have always been looking for an "experience" but that is not Your way for me. The only experience You want me to have is knowing You. Those tears were Your tears, tears of mercy and grace and peace and comfort. (Thank You).

Thank You for cleansing me.

Lord, I walked home alone, and I almost wondered... if it was You, if it was Your time for me -- finally -- to step forth, to be counted 100% for You... (Even right now there is this little seed of fear... what if it isn't? again?) (But it is! Already I see, I know a difference in my experience with You... that lines up with Your Word, Your promises, Your covenants that never fail!) Oh Lord, cleanse me from this root of fear -- I did not see it for what it is! Thank you for revealing it to me. Oh cleanse me, Lord, and make me stand firm against this terrible device of the devil -- please, I pray, in Jesus' name! Oh Holy Spirit, please do Your work, I pray! Thank You, Lord. I accept and believe.

May I list some things? First, that I am writing much more slowly... wanting every word to be from You. Wanting to hear and record Your voice alone. I noticed that yesterday... noticed my "self" seeking to enjoy the words... seeking to record "my" words, desiring to write what others would approve... what would bring human recognition -- and yes, Lord -- acclaim and fame! I was eager to post up the sermon notes -- and yes, my reaction -- for all to see... I'm sorry, Lord. That isn't Your way... All those words I spent so many hours recording -- oh Lord, how many -- how few -- were from You? How many from me?? Lord, please, if people look there... please, by Your Spirit, sort the overwhelming chaff from Your grain, and plant only Your seeds that will bring forth Your great harves, Your good fruit, nourished by Jesus, Your vine of true life and love, and by Your Holy Spirit, dear Father God, I pray.

(I only want Your answers, dear Lord... looks like my words -- my many tumbling, rumbling, stumbling words are about to be limited, curtailed, restricted -- my words stopped -- by You -- and perhaps replaced by Your words only? Oh Lord, do it, please. Please just do it. No more me! Please!)

..........

Yesterday when I went to mom's birthday, she was not in good shape. She seemed so unhappy, despairing, lost, worried, and as Stew was leaving, he asked if he could pray for her and she said, "Oh yes, that is what I really want." And she bowed her head and closed her eyes as he prayed, and her face had, for that moment, the trusting, peaceful, rested look of a little child confident in the love of Father God. Oh dear Heavenly Father, please help me to break the chains of fear that hold me back and help me pray for her and with her... and for the other residents -- and workers, too! -- who are there! Don't let me miss any opportunity, Lord, to do Your work that You are working, that You have prepared in advance, that those who You have called and who have experienced Your love (oh, like me, Lord) can step into Your harvest field and take up the instruments of the planting and watering and harvest, that which You have prepared for... and reap, as co-labourers with You, 30 and 50 and 100 fold! Your work, oh Lord! Let it so be! Use me, Lord, as a labourer, as Your servant - your slave, in Your great heavenly kingdom! Oh Lord -- Your will be done. (Am I getting carried away with my own words again, Lord? I'm sorry. I know I am. I hear Your voice warning me quietly but firmly. Thank You. O cleanse me, Lord, of my self, of all my attachments, all my habits, from living in the world. Please. Thank You.

...........

Father God, about the service last night, and me going in blue jeans, and "justifying myself" as I was on the way, knowing those "old folks" find that offensive from a believer -- and me arguing in myself that it's just because they are "old folks" from another generation, and they are used to the "Sunday clothes" of their day... and that I'm "free" from that stuff, that it's just "legalistic" (Oh Lord, I hated to write that but it has been what I've thought, or at least argued in myself in the past!) (forgive me, Lord). And then W.W. preached about denying self and taking up Your cross daily... and he said that there may be some obedience God is calling you to, that will bring the cross into your own life, and when he said that and I wrote it down, I felt my back go up, and at the time I thought, "I have to go back and check on that, I don't think that is right, that's getting caught up in legalistic things, that's not freedom" ... because I was still thinking about how I was dressed...

And then this morning I woke up thinking about that again... about "being all things to all people that I might win some" as Paul said -- and about whether I dress in jeans and stuff just because they are useful and comfortable and perhaps (?) modest clothing... or whether I do it to be cool and accepted of the world... and even out of rebellion (Yes, those things are true of me... and as long as those things are my motivation, I am in sin. Oh, Father God, please forgive me. I've been writing about things being "neutral" (like with native drums being used in worship)... but I see - I knew this intellectually before... but now I see (accept) -- that's the old rebellious nature that has to die! Oh dear God, how little I know of myself, how little I have been willing to give up my own thoughts and ways! Forgive me, please Lod! Please cleanse me, make me new, make me "Christ in me" -- not just "renewed" but totally changed -- not just "like Christ" but "Christ in me." Total 100% change -- transformation -- more than just caterpillar to butterfuly, Lord... Thank You for showing me this.

.........

After I woke this morning, I started praying, laying in my bed -- and then You led me to get down on my knees... and I remembered hearing about old "saints" who spent so much time on their knees that permanent dents were worn in the floor by their kneeling chair! Oh dear God, please teach me to pray like that! Oh dear Holy Spirit, pray through me to the Father, in Jesus' nae, according to the desires of Father God, alone! Please!

(I only knelt a couple minutes but my knees were already in pain! Oh dear God, please keep me on my face before You till kneeling before You is more natural to me than sitting or walking! Oh Lord, please don't let me do anything without being "prayed up," without being in Your presence, walking with You, first.

I want to see and hear -- I want to experiences Your glory, Lord -- and so do the Wakefields -- and so did my dad -- and so do so many others.

Oh Lord God, please do Your work... (and please, if it would be alright with You, could You please include me? Thank You.

"Not by any works I have done, But by thy grace and thy grace alone [Your Holy Spirit poured out in Your fulness, O Lord God! In Jesus' name! Thank You, Lord!] Into thy presence I come."

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Thank You For Your Presence
Date: February 27, 2007

Dear Heavenly Father,

I just want to say, Lord -- Thank You! When I woke up this morning and turned to Your Word (no internet today -- they are having "technical difficulties" Praise the Lord! Thank You for rescuing me!) anyway when I turned to Your Word and started reading, my heart was just overflowing. I felt led to read aloud, and the sound of Your Word in my ears just brought great emotion upon me. I just felt (feel!) overwhelmed -- with awe, wonder, love??? I don't know the words to express it, but I feel like crying (though I'm not) and -- oh, it's like when I was listening to the Duncan Campbell tape -- and like when we pray at Regine and Scott's, only stronger -- it has to be You here in the room with me! Thank You, Lord.

I have asked and asked to be aware of Your Presence, and here You are! Thank You! Wow! Praise Your name!

Psalm 84:10 "For a day in thy courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness." Oh dear Heavenly Father, that is so true! And what an incredible, unbelieveable blessing you have bestowed upon us who believe in Jesus, as we are privileged to be in Your court always, for we are the temple of the Holy Spirit, and we dwell in Your presence if only we will be open to You, and true to You, and seek You, and grieve not Your Holy Spirit but cast our "self" and "the world" and "the flesh" and "the enemy" aside -- out! "die to it all" -- and rise again into newness of life -- in You -- Your life! Oh dear God, dear Heavenly Father, what joy! and wonder!

It has been years since I felt I could say anything to my kids about You -- I even feared to, greatly! but now You are opening my mouth -- and putting Your words there -- in Your perfect timing -- as You do Your work in each of their lives. Lord, some years ago You gave me great peace and assurance that You would bring all my children (and grandchild, please Lord!) (and oh, Lord, the in-law children too, and their families, too, dear Lord, I pray! ) Oh God, pleae take them and do Your work in them, and use me it if be Your will, O holy, wonderful, almighty Father God, through Your Holy spirit, in the name of my precious Saviour and Lord and King, Your Son my dear Lord Jesus! Thank You!

Psalm 84:14, 12 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; He bestows favour and honour. No good thing does the LORD withhold from those who walk uprightly.// LORD of hosts, blessed is the man who trusts in thee." I am blessed! Thank You, Lord! Praise the Lord! amen! Thank You!

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