Conversations, Reflections & Meditations


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Sign Guestbook \| View Guestbook Comments? Questions? [email protected]	Prayer topics Body Life Church vs Institutional Church Your Wisdom vs My Own Poor Confused Thoughts Body Life vs Institutional Church Date: February 13, 2007 Dear Heavenly Father, O Lord God, I am so happy to be here talking and listening to You again. You know how long it has been, and You know the sorrows and questions and longings of my heart that have kept me from writing. But as You always do, in Your perfect (and unexpected) timing and ways, You have spoken clearly to my heart, and brought the comfort and some answers that are satisfying the questions, and You Yourself are being the fulfillment of my soul's deep longings. Lord, You know the sorrows of my heart over losing my dad (and here I thought I'd gone through it amazingly well -- so well I actually felt a bit guilty about it... and kept waiting for it to catch up with me). And at the same time the sorrow and hurt I feel everytime I visit my mom -- and the dread, even, as I find myself looking for any excuse not to go... and feeling great guilt over that. This is one of the things You have just answered for me -- that I have been clinging to my mom, and her answers, instead of turning all my questions and sorrows over to You. Mom was always "there for me" and I have not wanted to give that up. I'm sorry, I didn't even see that, until I read that book this weekend. Thank You for the book. Thank You for members of the church -- Your church -- who listen to Your voice and show Your love to me at the very moment You lead them, speak to them. Thank You for Gerry sending the link to the book, and coming for lunch on Sunday, and his gentle words about gossip -- which I see so clearly I had fallen into, as I search, I see, for a place to lay the blame for my frustration with the church -- and my own life -- not realizing that the problem really lay in "structures" rather than in individuals (at least directly), becuase in their sincere efforts to worship You through the structure, they have really lost You and each other -- lost the love You long to share -- lost their first love! I was really beginning to despair. I've been wanting to talk to the "leadership team" about "women's ministries" for close to a year now, ever since I came up with the idea -- and I'm beginning to think it was indeed "I" who came up with the idea - though I'm sure You love women and kids and want to see them loved... but right now (this minute!) I see so much foolishness in the "women's ministry" approach! Wow, thank You for opening my eyes and speaking to my heart and mind... Thank You for Your voice... still and small and yet clear... and totally wise... when I finally hear You speaking in Your perfect timing, just as You have prepared my heart! Wow! I suddenly realized as I was writing, that the early church did not have formal "women's" (or any other programmed) ministries. True, they did feed the widows -- but those were widows who had not one else to care for them, and they did their part by praying constantly for the church. Women like Priscilla did their part, but it was in the course of daily life, like discussion about the Lord, enlightning Apollas and others in the course of hospitality (taking him into their home) and in the course of working in the family business alongside her husband (and Paul). Dorcas used her talents to make clothes for the poor. We don't read of her organizing sewing meetings; she just used her abilities. The women loved her, and it does not seem to have been a "give me" type love (greediness) but a response to her truly loving deeds which came from her love for the Lord! And then of course there is Titus 2:3-5. I've been thinking all along that we need to "get people out/together" to "learn together." But that isn't what is happening in these verses. These are older women, right in homes with younger women, cooking, cleaning, playing with the children, sewing, answering questions... showing by modelling and advice how to be "Godly keepers at home"... which apparently is that most important role for women! How Jesus loved children! And Paul recommended that young widows remarry and have families! Here I have been longing to "get into ministry" and even look forward to being "free" of my child-raising responsibilities.... Oh Lord! Could that be the problem my kids are having? Have I been ignoring them in order, as I have thought, to serve You??? Have I been doing that all along? Oh my goodness, that would explain my longing all along for "intentional community" and for "extended family"... and recently for wanting to move out where my kids are... and to homeschool Tony... and sometimes I have even fleetingly wished we could all live together, or at least in very close proximity. That's it, isn't it? The Proverbs 31 woman does all kinds of things, like selling property and raising crops, but they are all done in the context of loving God and loving and serving her family! She does not plan meetings to do that. She just takes care of the family (husband and kids... and servants!) the Lord has given her... and she impacts them with God's (and her) love... and yes, I'm sure, impacts others along the way. I keep wanting to teach "younger women"... and yet I have been overlooking the young women God has placed directly in my path... my own daughters (not to forget my son, too). Return to the top Your Wisdom vs My Own Poor Confused Thoughts Date: February 15, 2007 Gerry sent me that link to the "Jake book" and I started to read it... and Gerry came over on Sunday and was talking about the whole "gossip" thing (which made me realize how negative I have become - again - and how I have fallen back into the "poor me" trap and the "blaming by gossip" trap, especially among my church family, but more generally too... which has made me more guilty... and then he brought up the "should" thing (ha! when I got to that part of the book and read the "Marsha, Marsha..." thing it really hit me! Gerry had talked about it, but I didn't get it until I read the story...) I have myself (never mind our "church") got caught up in the "should" syndrome... and when I don't/can't I feel guilty, and "I try" harder... and get exhausted and frustrated and blaming.... and feeling self-pity because I am having trouble too, but not able to put my finger on the source (but now You have opened my eyes, Lord, in Your own way... oh, You have just opened my eyes!!! I have been trying so hard to "serve You" that I have lost track of just walking in Your Presence moment by moment and letting You decide what each new moment/day/year will bring. I have stopped trusting You. I have gotten wrapped up in my new "Bible-in-a-Year" plan -- that I researched instead of just letting You send it my way as in the past few years. And I set up a day-by-day prayer book -- and while it isn't bad to have a list, I have started to live by the list, and when I really need to be listening to You a lot, or praying in depth for things You lay on my heart at that moment, instead I find myself chained to that list and resenting it, and not listening and responding to You. And as I write this, I realized (oh, thank You for Your voice... I seem to hear You more clearly when I write because my mind can only speed along as fast as my pen... which is quite a lot slower than my keyboard... and much slower that my mouth (which, I see!, is why when I try to express myself orally, I sound so inept and repeat myself and stuff, instead of just shutting my mouth and listening -- really listening -- to You... and then "letting my words be few because You are in heaven and I am on earth..." and Your wisdom is infinitely above my poor, confused thoughts... there is a reason we have that expression about a "wise man of few words!" Even Proverbs says that if you want to be seen as wise, just don't say too much! A fool is known for his many words! Half of what I have written today is new realizations which "came to me" as I wrote! Now I know some of it is likely my ideas... but some of it is so clearly You! Even as the words come out of my pen, sometimes I look at them in wonder, and ask, "Where did that come from?" Also, when I go through my journals to post stuff on my website, I do a lot of editing generally... but there are some passages (the one I knew, even as I wrote them, that they are from You, Lord) that basically need no editing -- and are so much more powerful that my writing and ideas -- so radically different from my own ideas!! that they have to come from You!! And yes, they do line up with Your Word (sometimes I think at first that something is from You, but then I "see" that it isn't because it's full of me... but even then You so graciously and patiently wait for me to listen to You, and You take even my poor, misinformed, misguided, self-centered ideas, and instead of stamping on them, You pick up little threads from them and steer them into the path of Your wisdome! How loving and kind and wise and gracious You are! And patient! Thank You! From Your Word this morning: Psalm 1:1 Blessed is the man [whose]... 2... delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his has he meditates day and night... 5. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all he does, he prospers." I do not think "meditate" refers to "practices" (like formal daily "devotions" such as I've been trying to do lately without success... so much, then, for "discipline" as we like to call it... is that true discipline, I wonder? ... is it Christ-like? hmmm...) but to having God's Word planted in your heart, and being open to the voice of the Holy Spirit at all times, "walking in God's Presence" moment by moment, trusting, knowing, relationship with Christ in me!!! -- the hope of my salvation!!! I've gotten too caught up in practice. Forgive me, Lord. Thank You for opening my eyes. Help me to "meditate on Your law day and night"... to walk with You constantly, submissively, in loving, communicating relationship at every moment! I was just going to ask You to please "show me how to do it" -- but that's not it!! That's wrong!! Please, You just lead and I will trust You, and obediently follow (and yes, I'll need Your help to not turn back to me... Oh, dear God, please fill and overflow me with Your Spirit -- Christ in me!!) Thank You! Amen! .... Well, Lord, here I am.... I just felt You telling me to set aside the book I was reading, and listen to You for a bit. So... here I am! What about ___'s small group (women) idea? Is it too formal, to programmed? Are we trying to create relationship instead of just relating to You, and seeing where You take us? I was just thinking, instead of a "must meeting" controlled by "commitment" why can't we just go out walking together for some exercise? Or like we hung out at the beach together with the kids a few times last summer? What about Saturday evenings? Maybe we just let it be known that people can "drop in" and there'll be food (if they want it), companionship, whatever... kids can maybe get some homework help... moms can ask to be shown how to make fry bread or whatever... bring along and share a great family video? or bring something good that you've baked... or just come because you need company... Return to the top
Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family


	Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family
Sign Guestbook \| View Guestbook Comments? Questions? [email protected]	Prayer topics Body Life Church vs Institutional Church Your Wisdom vs My Own Poor Confused Thoughts Body Life vs Institutional Church Date: February 13, 2007 Dear Heavenly Father, O Lord God, I am so happy to be here talking and listening to You again. You know how long it has been, and You know the sorrows and questions and longings of my heart that have kept me from writing. But as You always do, in Your perfect (and unexpected) timing and ways, You have spoken clearly to my heart, and brought the comfort and some answers that are satisfying the questions, and You Yourself are being the fulfillment of my soul's deep longings. Lord, You know the sorrows of my heart over losing my dad (and here I thought I'd gone through it amazingly well -- so well I actually felt a bit guilty about it... and kept waiting for it to catch up with me). And at the same time the sorrow and hurt I feel everytime I visit my mom -- and the dread, even, as I find myself looking for any excuse not to go... and feeling great guilt over that. This is one of the things You have just answered for me -- that I have been clinging to my mom, and her answers, instead of turning all my questions and sorrows over to You. Mom was always "there for me" and I have not wanted to give that up. I'm sorry, I didn't even see that, until I read that book this weekend. Thank You for the book. Thank You for members of the church -- Your church -- who listen to Your voice and show Your love to me at the very moment You lead them, speak to them. Thank You for Gerry sending the link to the book, and coming for lunch on Sunday, and his gentle words about gossip -- which I see so clearly I had fallen into, as I search, I see, for a place to lay the blame for my frustration with the church -- and my own life -- not realizing that the problem really lay in "structures" rather than in individuals (at least directly), becuase in their sincere efforts to worship You through the structure, they have really lost You and each other -- lost the love You long to share -- lost their first love! I was really beginning to despair. I've been wanting to talk to the "leadership team" about "women's ministries" for close to a year now, ever since I came up with the idea -- and I'm beginning to think it was indeed "I" who came up with the idea - though I'm sure You love women and kids and want to see them loved... but right now (this minute!) I see so much foolishness in the "women's ministry" approach! Wow, thank You for opening my eyes and speaking to my heart and mind... Thank You for Your voice... still and small and yet clear... and totally wise... when I finally hear You speaking in Your perfect timing, just as You have prepared my heart! Wow! I suddenly realized as I was writing, that the early church did not have formal "women's" (or any other programmed) ministries. True, they did feed the widows -- but those were widows who had not one else to care for them, and they did their part by praying constantly for the church. Women like Priscilla did their part, but it was in the course of daily life, like discussion about the Lord, enlightning Apollas and others in the course of hospitality (taking him into their home) and in the course of working in the family business alongside her husband (and Paul). Dorcas used her talents to make clothes for the poor. We don't read of her organizing sewing meetings; she just used her abilities. The women loved her, and it does not seem to have been a "give me" type love (greediness) but a response to her truly loving deeds which came from her love for the Lord! And then of course there is Titus 2:3-5. I've been thinking all along that we need to "get people out/together" to "learn together." But that isn't what is happening in these verses. These are older women, right in homes with younger women, cooking, cleaning, playing with the children, sewing, answering questions... showing by modelling and advice how to be "Godly keepers at home"... which apparently is that most important role for women! How Jesus loved children! And Paul recommended that young widows remarry and have families! Here I have been longing to "get into ministry" and even look forward to being "free" of my child-raising responsibilities.... Oh Lord! Could that be the problem my kids are having? Have I been ignoring them in order, as I have thought, to serve You??? Have I been doing that all along? Oh my goodness, that would explain my longing all along for "intentional community" and for "extended family"... and recently for wanting to move out where my kids are... and to homeschool Tony... and sometimes I have even fleetingly wished we could all live together, or at least in very close proximity. That's it, isn't it? The Proverbs 31 woman does all kinds of things, like selling property and raising crops, but they are all done in the context of loving God and loving and serving her family! She does not plan meetings to do that. She just takes care of the family (husband and kids... and servants!) the Lord has given her... and she impacts them with God's (and her) love... and yes, I'm sure, impacts others along the way. I keep wanting to teach "younger women"... and yet I have been overlooking the young women God has placed directly in my path... my own daughters (not to forget my son, too). Return to the top Your Wisdom vs My Own Poor Confused Thoughts Date: February 15, 2007 Gerry sent me that link to the "Jake book" and I started to read it... and Gerry came over on Sunday and was talking about the whole "gossip" thing (which made me realize how negative I have become - again - and how I have fallen back into the "poor me" trap and the "blaming by gossip" trap, especially among my church family, but more generally too... which has made me more guilty... and then he brought up the "should" thing (ha! when I got to that part of the book and read the "Marsha, Marsha..." thing it really hit me! Gerry had talked about it, but I didn't get it until I read the story...) I have myself (never mind our "church") got caught up in the "should" syndrome... and when I don't/can't I feel guilty, and "I try" harder... and get exhausted and frustrated and blaming.... and feeling self-pity because I am having trouble too, but not able to put my finger on the source (but now You have opened my eyes, Lord, in Your own way... oh, You have just opened my eyes!!! I have been trying so hard to "serve You" that I have lost track of just walking in Your Presence moment by moment and letting You decide what each new moment/day/year will bring. I have stopped trusting You. I have gotten wrapped up in my new "Bible-in-a-Year" plan -- that I researched instead of just letting You send it my way as in the past few years. And I set up a day-by-day prayer book -- and while it isn't bad to have a list, I have started to live by the list, and when I really need to be listening to You a lot, or praying in depth for things You lay on my heart at that moment, instead I find myself chained to that list and resenting it, and not listening and responding to You. And as I write this, I realized (oh, thank You for Your voice... I seem to hear You more clearly when I write because my mind can only speed along as fast as my pen... which is quite a lot slower than my keyboard... and much slower that my mouth (which, I see!, is why when I try to express myself orally, I sound so inept and repeat myself and stuff, instead of just shutting my mouth and listening -- really listening -- to You... and then "letting my words be few because You are in heaven and I am on earth..." and Your wisdom is infinitely above my poor, confused thoughts... there is a reason we have that expression about a "wise man of few words!" Even Proverbs says that if you want to be seen as wise, just don't say too much! A fool is known for his many words! Half of what I have written today is new realizations which "came to me" as I wrote! Now I know some of it is likely my ideas... but some of it is so clearly You! Even as the words come out of my pen, sometimes I look at them in wonder, and ask, "Where did that come from?" Also, when I go through my journals to post stuff on my website, I do a lot of editing generally... but there are some passages (the one I knew, even as I wrote them, that they are from You, Lord) that basically need no editing -- and are so much more powerful that my writing and ideas -- so radically different from my own ideas!! that they have to come from You!! And yes, they do line up with Your Word (sometimes I think at first that something is from You, but then I "see" that it isn't because it's full of me... but even then You so graciously and patiently wait for me to listen to You, and You take even my poor, misinformed, misguided, self-centered ideas, and instead of stamping on them, You pick up little threads from them and steer them into the path of Your wisdome! How loving and kind and wise and gracious You are! And patient! Thank You! From Your Word this morning: Psalm 1:1 Blessed is the man [whose]... 2... delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his has he meditates day and night... 5. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all he does, he prospers." I do not think "meditate" refers to "practices" (like formal daily "devotions" such as I've been trying to do lately without success... so much, then, for "discipline" as we like to call it... is that true discipline, I wonder? ... is it Christ-like? hmmm...) but to having God's Word planted in your heart, and being open to the voice of the Holy Spirit at all times, "walking in God's Presence" moment by moment, trusting, knowing, relationship with Christ in me!!! -- the hope of my salvation!!! I've gotten too caught up in practice. Forgive me, Lord. Thank You for opening my eyes. Help me to "meditate on Your law day and night"... to walk with You constantly, submissively, in loving, communicating relationship at every moment! I was just going to ask You to please "show me how to do it" -- but that's not it!! That's wrong!! Please, You just lead and I will trust You, and obediently follow (and yes, I'll need Your help to not turn back to me... Oh, dear God, please fill and overflow me with Your Spirit -- Christ in me!!) Thank You! Amen! .... Well, Lord, here I am.... I just felt You telling me to set aside the book I was reading, and listen to You for a bit. So... here I am! What about ___'s small group (women) idea? Is it too formal, to programmed? Are we trying to create relationship instead of just relating to You, and seeing where You take us? I was just thinking, instead of a "must meeting" controlled by "commitment" why can't we just go out walking together for some exercise? Or like we hung out at the beach together with the kids a few times last summer? What about Saturday evenings? Maybe we just let it be known that people can "drop in" and there'll be food (if they want it), companionship, whatever... kids can maybe get some homework help... moms can ask to be shown how to make fry bread or whatever... bring along and share a great family video? or bring something good that you've baked... or just come because you need company... Return to the top
Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family