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Some Details of the Journey
Questions... Salvation, Predestination, Bearing Fruit?

Some Details of the Journey
Date: January 31, 2007

When I couldn't go to sleep in the middle of the night, I checked my email, and there was a letter from ______, in which she said how she has always loved Jesus, and how she believes there is a reason for her life, and that her baby was sent to save her from the road of drugs and alcohol that she was headed down.... Oh Lord, she was dedicated to You as a young child -- thank You for her lifelong love of Jesus! She surely has needed You, Lord... the one stable love/relationship in her life. Oh Lord, please bring her into full saving knowledge and relationship with You! Thank You, Jesus.

I do thank you also because you have revived in me the "story-telling" joy that seems to have been quashed in me the last week or so. I was so excited about writing that book, and then it was like a heavy wall was planted around me, and though I could see all around, I couldn't get out, and just felt so hopeless and helpless -- which exhausted me. Perhaps it was just fear that, like so many other things in my life, I'd get "at it" have but so many interruptions that I would never ever really accomplish it... make use of the vision I have for it...

Lord, I am trying to live day by day, and trust You to fulfill Your purposes. Maybe this is just another of those ways in which I've swallowed unquestioninly the "wisdom of this world" -- making great goals for myself, dreaming big dreams, striving for "succes" and "fulfillment" -- when it really only comes in You... Lord, it isn't so hard for me to let go of things, but harder to let go of dreams of fulfillment in the area of my dreams for myself, and of "using my gifts and talents." yet, really they are Yours and for You to use as You please. I know You want us to use our gifts (what about talents? Yes.. think of the Proverbs 31 woman) as, through Paul's words, You urged Timothy to "stir up the gift that was in him by the laying on of hands."

It kind of worries me about the haphazard way we are "taught to discover our gifts." In the New Testament they didn't seem to have that "struggle" to "discover." We just seem so often nowadays to make our whole spiritual journey so slowly. Is it because we think of it as a "compartment" of our lives, instead of truly informing our whole existence? Did people have "more time" then? Or was it that they really did leave behind the old life? They did keep working to support themselves... but it seems like there was such an emphasis even there of "unto the Lord".... I suppose that even then there must have been some of this struggle... because Paul points out that in being married your devotion is shared between the Lord and your spouse; and he believes in people in full time ministry of the word being paid for their labour (when he worked -- bivocational! -- it was for a specific purpose of preventing problems... for example, so the people would see the gospel as a free gift from You - and so that people couldn't criticize and say he was just preaching to become rich and famous, etc.)

I haven't read Your Word of prayed yet this morning -- but thank You for already helping me write again! Amen!

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Questions... Salvation, Predestination, Bearing Fruit?
Date: February 5, 2007

Dear Heavenly Father,

My mind -- and emotions? heart? -- are just overflowing, running in circles.

I felt so led -- so necessary -- to go to the meeting last night. Oh dear God, how much we need a great moving of Your Spirit! I wonder, will you grant the Wakefields, in their lifetime, to see the revival they have so faithfully prayed for all these years? (Something I wonder about -- how people can pray and pray and pray and never - in their lifetime at least - see the answer to their prayers... like Dad praying for his sisters, for example?)

Does it just come down to the fact that people make their choices and You allow that? I was reading Romans 8 again this morning, and wondering again about the whole "predestination" thing again. Is it true, as Calvin held (apparently) that You make the choice of who will come, that You call only those ones, and because they are called by You, basically they are, having been given saving faith, compelled to accept Jesus? And the rest You just choose not to call, so they don't have a choice? So then what is the purpose of asking You to bring people to You if You've already decided? What's the purpose of telling others the good news, if the "chosen ones" will inevitably, one way or another, come to You (besides, I suppose, the need to be obedient to Your command to go into all the world and preach the gospel)?

And then what about the whole "once saved, always saved" thing? Pastor Sid preached yesterday on "by their fruits/love you will know them." So -- if people never produce fruit -- or stop producing fruit -- are they still saved? Were they saved to begin with?

If there is no possibility of backsliding to the point of losing one's salvation (even "crucifying Christ anew") where is the motivation to keep growing, to go through suffering, etc... if that salvation is totally guaranteed, no matter what one does, why talk about the "hope of our salvation" when you don't need to hang on and hope? Surely, Lord, you long for us to follow You, to become more Christ-like. Surely, You did die for all men, that "whosoever believeth shall not perish." Surely You "loved the world." Surely it is Your will/desire "that none should perish but that all should come to repentance." But, in Old Testament times particularly, it seems that some people did have no choice... that You "hardened their hearts." And Paul does talk about the choice of the potter regarding the kind of vessels He makes....

Don't worry! Re my question above about motivation -- I am not personally asking that question, because You motivated me every day through Your Spirit and Your love so evident in my life... but it does help me understand why there has seemed to have been so little emphasis on holiness in our lives as Christians! (And for many, including myself, lack of evangelism... though I don't think my reasons are doctrinal like that... and I hae been disobedient and fearful, Lord, and I do ask Your forgiveness and ask Your help).

Last night at the service, they quoted Billy Graham as saying he would be grateful if just 10% of the people who "make decisions" at his crusades, continue to stand firm in the faith! Surely that cannot be Your desire/will, Lord?? They also talked about the Hebrides revival, where of the 1000 or so people who gave their lives to You, only 5 had gone back to the world, even many years later. And at least 60 of them had become missionaries. And so on. Surely that must be what You desire! (will?) Yet even in the New Testament, it seems that many converts went back into the world. And indeed, You warned about that in Your parable about the sower whose seeds went onto rocky ground, thorny ground, eaten by birds, etc. True, some seed went into good ground and produced great crops -- but it seems like an awful lot, even ones that "sprung up" enthusiastically and joyfully at first -- later died. They didn't just become little weak plants; they died without bearing fruit. Oh dear God, I do not want to die without bearing fruit! And what about all those ones who were choked or lacked roots, etc? Are they "safe?" Or are they lost?? True, there's some comfort in believing in "once saved, always saved" -- but what if it isn't true? If we didn't believe that, would we strive harder to follow You ourselves, and to encourage and disciple others? Then again, there are places like where Paul says he has turned a fallen brother over to Satan, apparently in hopes that he will "come to" and return to the Lord (or does it not say something about his body being destroyed but his soul saved?). I don't know, Lord, I just find this all confusing. I do think that there was an over-emphasis on "backsliding" when I was young, to the point where following You just seemed hopeless, and following You often became a long legalistic list of rules and regulations and nothing really about loving You (and others) and growing in relationship with You (and the brethren).

I have a hard time when things like this bottle up inside me. I try to talk to others about it, but can't seem to express my problem. Then I realized -- I just need to come again to You... and here I am, like David, just pouring out my heart, and oh, Lord, I ask You to take over, and help me trust You to work it all out and teach me Your truth by Your Spirit! Forgive me, please dear Lord, for trying to figure it out myself -- and for starting to blame others again. I know those ideas come from the enemy -- please forgive me for listening. Forgive me, please dear Lord, for tuning in to the ideas of the world (TV, etc). Help me, dear Lord, to focus on You alone! Thank You.

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