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Sign Guestbook | View Guestbook Comments? Questions? [email protected]	Prayer topics I've Been Worrying, Been Dry and Empty ... And Suddenly You've Spoken! Joy! I've Been Worrying, Been Dry and Empty ... and Suddenly You've Spoken! Joy! Date: January 22, 2007 Yesterday I heard or read the words, "What are you worrying about, that means you have drifted from trusting God?" And right then I did realize that I have been worrying again. And not trusting You. About my husband, my children, my "vision", my writing, my French study, my future - even in my prayers I have been sensing some panic in my voice and heart as I laid my requests before You. And I have noticed that I have been praising and thanking You and worshiping You less and less in my personal life, my devotional life, and even at church, where I have often just plain stopped joining in the singing, or have found myself again doing it with a heart of pride, looking for acclamation from people for my singing ability or for my dedication to You. And in our ladies Bible Study group, I have felt dry and empty. My prayers have felt hollow. The words I speak as I teach and discuss have become hollow and legalistic to my own ears. How have they sounded to the others? What have I done to Your Spirit's ability to work in our group? I have some confession to make, some humbling before my sisters! Oh dear Lord God, please forgive me! Help me to "Turn my eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and grace." And yes, it's been the same praying for _____. I have not really had anything to contribute when I'm asked if God has spoken anything to me. Last time, in fact, I was just relieved when ____ did all the praying so I didn't have to take a turn, because I had gone there with such an emptiness and a feeling of separation from You. Oh, forgive me, Lord. Please forgiv me, and refill me with Your Spirit; draw me close to You again, oh my dear, dear Lord and Saviour, and my dear Father God! Even my writing has suffered lately, Lord. Oh, I've written some kind of cute stories, but I know as soon as I wrote them that they were missing that "something special" that comes only from Your special input and inspiration and guidance. And that was clear from the lack of response, too, from people who read it. My personal prayer life, too, Lord, has been so sporadic, and I have missed many days of focused prayer time. Yesterday, when I finally did my "Sunday prayer list" at 10:30 at night, I realized I haven't prayed for those people for weeks! I've been sleeping in on Sundays... and it also seems like if I don't spend focused prayer time with You at the start of the day, then I rarely ever "pray without ceasing" or "practice Your presence" for the rest of the day either. You know I have never been able to get the thought out of my mind that I need to write a book of/on prayer. But it just didn't seem to come together. I have gone through my journals and posted up prayers on my website. I read some books about prayer and really came to the conclusion that I don't have anything fresh and new to say, and that really, that wasn't what this book is supposed to be about anyway. That pastor's words at camp keep ringing in my ears - "maybe a 30 day devotional book of prayers." But I had no idea where to start, other than maybe to just copy out some of the prayers I've written and answers You have given. Then yesterday I was reading the latest issue of "Above Rubies" magazine, and as usual, tears were streaming down my cheeks because I seem to have failed so miserably as a mother. Whatever happened to my dream of raising my children to love and follow the Lord all their days? And as usual, I started to lay blame here and there, and then to (guiltily) reflect on my own shortcomings... And I was all set to email the Above Rubies folks and ask them if they don't have any advice for grieving moms... any book that would give guidance and encouragement... And at the same time I had picked up a book lying among dad's papers, a thin self-published book called "Norah", written by a Godly man about his relationship with his wife who had Altzheimers. While it was helpful as I wonder how to deal with and relate to my mom, more than that I was impressed with the way he expressed his own personal journey, and the clearly great love he had for her, and how his faith in God so clearly sustained him, even though he only spoke of that part briefly from time to time. And after the wonderful first inter-church prayer meeting last night (Oh thank You, Lord... but why were so few people there? Oh, help us to know what is important, Lord!), I was rewriting my thoughts about that meditation that came on my email yesterday morning, and it came to me that I can - I must - get writing that book! I emailed my friend ___ to tell her, then went to sleep. When I woke this morning, it was 5 am and cold. I turned on the heat, reset the alarm for 6, and was (guiltily!) contemplating getting an extra hour of sleep. But as I snuggled down under the blankets, I wondered about the thought I'd had the previous night about the book. So I asked You, Lord, if it was really from You, and if it were, to show me. And I said, "Lord, I don't want anything to do with this if it is just from me. Anyway, I have no idea where to start or anything. So maybe it is just me... But if it is from You, can you show me somehow?" And suddenly my mind was flooded with stories... pictures... Eve holding her beautiful baby, Cain, and seeing in him all the promises of God of a son who would "bruise the serpent's heel"... and then, grief-stricken, years later, as she laid her son Abel in a grave, and saw her child of hope, Cain, banished from her forever. And Hannah, longing for a child, crying out in the temple for God to hear her prayers.. and being reprimanded by Eli the priest who thought she was drunk! Of course that story had a happy ending... but there at the beginning was a mother's heart in great sorrow. And of course Mary, looking down at her infant son being brought to the temple at 8 days of age, and thinking of the messages of the angels, and the praise that came from her heart in the "magnificat" and then wondering at the words of the old prophet who said that "a sword also will pierce your soul,"... And years later, kneeling at the foot of the cross gazing up through tear-stained eyes, at her son of prophet hanging there, mutilated and despised by the world. And again there was a happy ending, but oh, the sorrow along the way. And as picture after picture, story after story from scripture came to my mind (for there were mny more), I also thought of the times in my life when I experienced the same emotions I imagined these women had gone through, the questions they had asked, the doubts and despair, the moments of hope, the moments of victory. And I realized that in my journals, without planning it, I had recorded those feelings, stories, experiences in my own life.... and in some cases, also the words of love and comfort and guidance and encouragement my Father God had spoken to me. And then I thought of the many times I have written out my heart's cry to You - and the answers You have given me. And it came to me that maybe this is the book I am to write, an interweaving of stories from the Bible, with my stories, and the cries of the hearts of those mothers as I see them through the words of Scripture, and the cries of my own heart as I wrote them down in the depths of similar experiences in my own life... and interwoven with them, the beautiful words God gave me when my heart was broken and I had not where to turn but to Him. I don't need to read someone else's book! You, Lord, have been writing this book in my own life all these years! Yes, I can write a 30 day book of devotions, meditations, prayers. Every day could start with a scripture, and a meditation on what must have been going on in the heart and mind of the parent (mother, Lord? or both parents? or sometimes the one, sometimes the other?), and perhaps followed by a quote from my own prayers and the answers You have spoken to my heart. I don't know that I would tell detailed stories, but rather would share the feelings of hope, comfort, sorrow, despair, confusion, frustration that are common to all parents/moms.... and the examples (briefly) and principles (in more detail) from God's Word - and the words You have spoken to me, here and now - so that those reading it can "fill in the story" with their own personal experiences, and maybe be able to apply to their situation what God has taught me from His Word and by His Spirit as He has guided me through my parenting journey. And as I was reading the "Above Rubies" magazine again, I was also wondering... and even feeling kind of angry... why no one seems to have written a book that speaks to our sorrows and hopes, and gives us both guidance and comfort and encouragement. And then I realized that You Yourself have done that in Your Word, over and over again, through life stories of Your people, and indeed, through the story of Your own Son's life on earth, and how it was for His mother as "she laid up all these things in her heart." (I have a feeling her story is going to be a big part of the book!) And it came to me that I have read the book, only I've read it in bits and pieces, and I've lived through it myself, and have recorded those experiences in bits and pieces - and maybe if I just "put it all together" (under Your guidance of course, with You directing my pen!) then the book of advice I've been seeking for so many years will be right in front of me - and I can sit down and read the whole thing - and then maybe You'll have me share it with others who have also been feeling lost and discouraged, and need a message of comfort and hope and understanding from You, their dear Heavenly Father, who Yourself has experienced untold time the whole parenting journey with Your own children who may, many times, have disappointed and hurt You, and yet Your love never falters! Here I am at the end of this journal, with a new one full of clean, empty pages awaiting me - and perhaps this too, is a sign that You are ready to sit me down to record a message of hope and love to other parents whose hearts are crying out for their children. Thank You. Amen. Letter I wrote to a friend who has mentored me and encouraged me in my writing: God has been speaking to me again about using the gift of writing which He has given me, and even about writing a book (which you have also encouraged me to do... another reason I really think He sent You into my life, as you have been confirming much that I have felt God is showing me, but without that confirmation had been perhaps afraid that it was "just my ideas" and that "I couldn't do it.") God has also been speaking to me about writing a book for parents - moms especially, I guess - who, like me, are hurting because their children have wandered from the Lord, who need encouragement and love and guidance from God Himself through His Word, and perhaps also from a real mom who has been through the same experiences and knows the sorrows and longings of their hearts. I have also felt very strongly, for 2 or 3 years, that God is leading me to write a book about prayer. Now I am wondering if it might not be a book that teaches these sorrowing moms how to reach out to God, to lay this heavy, heavy burden at His feet, to let Him come and take the burden and work all things out according to His will and purpose and in His Almighty, everlasting love and power, through the love of the Father, and the mercy and grace of Jesus, and the work of the Holy Spirit. I will be praying and seeking God's leading and His glory much in the coming days.... And she wrote back.... I was impressed to tell you that for your book to be powerful and really reach the reader, be sure to stay MAINLY in story. Or at least move back and forth from story to meditation. Write from your own pain and suffering. Those stories captivate the reader because the reader automatically identifies with you. That's why testimony is so powerful. But when you move into discursive prose, we may lose our reader's attention after one or two paragraphs. It's just not as powerful as sharing our own story. I think the meditation is important to share too, but interrupt the story for the meditation - go back and forth. Also, make sure you are feeling the Glory and feeling broken/humbled as you tell your story, and you will write from the heart just as you do when you share your story with me. Indeed, feel free to imagine you are writing to me, alone (or some one person), and I think the book you write of encouragement for a parent who has the grief of unsaved children will be a powerful thing. Pick one person in the audience and speak as though to that one person. And so... This is, I believe, what God wants me to write. I also believe that as I write it, He will be giving me the answers I have looked for so long in other books and magazines, but not found. If I am the only one who reads the book, that alone would make it worthwhile for me to do the writing. And if it helped someone else, then all I can say is, "God be praised!" (And thank You, above all, Lord, for the greatest story ever told... the story of You!) Return to the top
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