I’ve never liked the story of Little Red Riding Hood. It just bugs me. So I’m going to write a few sentences to summarize the story, then write a commentary on the story using those sentences that summarized the story. That should almost make sense to you.

Once upon a time there was a girl named... uh... well, she was known to everyone as Little Red Riding Hood. Her mom asked her to bring a basket of something or other to her sick grandmother. As she was walking through the woods to her grandmother’s house, a wolf stopped to talk to her. She told him about her sick grandmother and so on. The wolf rushed to her grandmother’s house, ate the grandmother, and lay in the grandmother’s bed. Little Red Riding Hood came in, asked various questions about physical appearances to the wolf that she thought was her grandmother, and then the wolf threatened to eat her. There are several versions of the story after this point, so I’ll just choose one. The wolf ate Little Red Riding Hood. A woodcutter heard the noise, came to the cabin of the grandmother, cut open the wolf’s stomach, and freed Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother. The End.

Okay then, time for my story.

Once upon a time there was a girl named... uh... well, she was known to everyone as Little Red Riding Hood.

Did she have a name? It’s pathetic to be known for an item of clothing that you wear. Not to mention that Little Red Riding Hood sounds incredibly stupid as it is.

Her mom asked her to bring a basket of something or other to her sick grandmother.

It’s been a while since I’ve read this story. In case you couldn’t tell. Just what exactly was Little Red Riding Hood bringing to her grandmother? The best thing you can give to an ailing person is liquids. How exactly could she carry liquids in a basket? Therefore, whatever she is bringing to her grandmother probably won’t help her much.

As she was walking through the woods to her grandmother’s house, a wolf stopped to talk to her.

Why a wolf? I don’t think wolves have caused that much harm to humans. Besides, wolves are cute. What kind of moron would send their daughter to walk through the woods alone? My parents don’t like me walking across busy streets, let alone places where there are no other people. Is Little Red Riding Hood’s mother an idiot?

She told him about her sick grandmother and so on. The wolf rushed to her grandmother’s house, ate the grandmother, and lay in the grandmother’s bed.

Don’t tell strangers about your family problems. But it shouldn’t have mattered in this case, because wolves don’t eat people. Speaking of which, wolves don’t eat people. They don’t eat people either. In case you missed my point, it’s that wolves don’t eat people. Us humans are vain enough to think that we taste good. I’m sure we taste disgusting, so we should get over ourselves. No animal wants to eat us. Period.

Little Red Riding Hood came in, asked various questions about physical appearances to the wolf that she thought was her grandmother, and then the wolf threatened to eat her.

This is the most [in]famous part of the story. I may not be observant, but at least I’m smart enough to tell the difference between my grandmother and a wolf. Then again, Little Red Riding Hood hasn’t shown any other examples of intelligence in this story, so maybe she’s just stupid enough to think it’s really her grandmother. She doesn’t even have manners. If my grandmother looked different, I wouldn’t say, “Grandmother, what big ears you have!” or anything along those lines. Isn’t that just rude? Why did the wolf wait ‘til the awful punch line to eat Little Red Riding Hood? I wanted her gone as soon as possible. Not to mention that the wolf isn’t very good at jokes and could have spared us the pain.

The wolf ate Little Red Riding Hood. A woodcutter heard the noise, came to the cabin of the grandmother, cut open the wolf’s stomach, and freed Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother. The End.

Excuse me, but isn’t it called breaking and entering when you rush into someone’s house when they don’t know who you are? It’s not a good idea to rush into anyone’s house when you hear noises. The Humane Society needs to check up on this guy. Doesn’t he know you shouldn’t kill animals? Wolves are an endangered species, are they not? Besides, this story is teaching against Survival of the Fittest. It teaches us that people with no brains can always get people to help them. The whole story is just incredibly stupid. It’s against my religion.

And that is why this story sucks. With characters like this and a plot that bad, it's surprising it isn't a Disney movie yet. I've read pulp novels better than this. Heck, I've even written better stories than this. When I was five.


Disney is copyright to Disney.