The Enlightenment Page This page contains a mix of stuff, some humorous, some serious, and some just informative from folks we know and don't know.  I posted this page to share some materials, I find unique, or in some way gives us one more clue in life, with others. This page is a work in progress. Check back often.

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Updated 28 June 2005

If you have something you think would be a good addition to this page, e-mail it to me.

Index:

 

Picture taken by yours truly

If it were only so . . .

A road sign on California 299 West bound, West of Redding.

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Sent to me by Gretchen

Wouldn’t you like to say . . 

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh..I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different

 

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Scrabble

(Sent to me by my friend in the greater Sacramento area)

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
       HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
       DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters:
       EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
       BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
       A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:
       HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:
       CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:
       IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
       WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:    
       ALAS!  NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
       I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:
       THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:
       TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the
       letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
       TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

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8 WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
Male........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

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It Can Happen

 

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A tribute to men, to understanding them...

WHY ARE MEN . . . ?

1. Why are men such jerks?

It's a testosterone thing. Very similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormones modify behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. Why do men always have to stare at other women?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. We're fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.


5. Why are men so uncommunicative except with criticism?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old-fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. Why can't men cuddle more (i.e., lie down and hug)?
Please. . . how many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men. . . Men hunters . . . Need go roam. ...Starve in cave. . . Must go find wild beast. Now sitting on our asses for hours on end, on the other hand, is a whole other story.

9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles, developed by evolution, that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for long periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time, thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber-toothed tigers, etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho. . . Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get a piece of ass. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every one of your silly fucking questions. If we think that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. Why are men always such fucking slobs??
It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know damn well you'll pick up after us.

14. What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of dating. It's our way of letting you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding back for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours looking at things we have no intention of killing? Err. . . buying!


This is a direct paste from the aforementioned website. It is printed here (with a few errors corrected...I'm kinda anal that way...) because it truly captured a lot of my thoughts...

I have a few additions to make to the previous list:

Simply put, men are usually driven by three things:

1. What they like.

2. What makes them happy.

3. What feels good.

***You should note that these things are not necessarily inclusive.***

-Men often drink beer, which they may like (...and may make them happy for a time...), but may not always make them feel good.

-Men also like watching sporting events, buut those "Damn Packers" may not always make them happy...

-Men may feel good, being in the arms of thheir female companion, but... (well, you can see where this is going...)


-Find a way to deliver all three of these tthings to your man, and you will go a long way towards keeping him eternally happy... (and adequately anesthetized...)

"What does a blonde put behind her head to make herself more attractive?"

"-Her ankles..."

If you want to find the female analog to male jokes like this, go to www.menjokes.com

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I Can't Believe You Made It ! 

If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's.

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have...

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable.

We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no law suits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight...we were always outside playing. We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment..... Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.....Horrors.

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government and do-gooders regulated our lives, for our own good.

 

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4 Secrets to a Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans, and helps care for the kids, and who makes money.

2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you, and show you a good time.

3. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

4. It is important that these three men never meet

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Kids thoughts on relationships

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.  Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.  Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.  Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.   Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.  Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.   Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.  Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. 
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the Newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.   Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.   Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.   Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.   Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.  Ricky, age 10

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The United States 100 Years Ago...

The year is 1902, one hundred years ago ...what a difference a century makes. Here are the U.S. statistics for 1902....

The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven (47).

Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.

With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.

Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
 

The five leading causes of death in the US were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
 

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores.

According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.

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Natural Highs

1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at the supermarket

5. A special glance.

6. Getting mail

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.

12. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!) (or strawberry)

13. A long distance phone call.

14. A bubble bath.

15. Giggling.

16. A good conversation.

17. The beach

18. Finding a 20 note in your coat from last winter.

19. Laughing at yourself.

20. Midnight pho! ne calls that last for hours.

21. Running through sprinklers.

22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

24. Laughing at an inside joke.

25. Friends.

26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about  you.

27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

28. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).

29. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

30. Playing with a new puppy.

31. Having someone play with your hair.

32. Sweet dreams.

33. Hot chocolate.

34. Road trips with friends.

35. Swingi! ng on swings.

36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking your favourite drink .

37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.

38. Going to a really good concert.

39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger

40. Winning a really competitive game.

41. Making chocolate chip cookies.

42. Having your friends send you home-made cookies.

43. Spending time with close friends.

44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.

45. Holding hands with someone you care about.

46. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things  (good or bad) never change.

47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.

48. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.

49. Watching the sunrise.

50. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
 
 

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Those were the days

Submitted by: [email protected]

Comments from the year 1957:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?  It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

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Sonofabitch

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~ TOILET WISDOM ~

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
 ---Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
--- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
 ---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
 ---Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
 ---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

No wonder you always go home alone.
 ---Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

Beauty is only a light switch away.
 --- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
 ---The Irish Times, Washington, DC

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 ---Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
 --- Revolution Books, New York, New York

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
 ---Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light.
 ---The Janitor

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
 ---Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

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BUMPER STICKERS...

 >1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
 >2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
 >3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
 >4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
 >5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
 >6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
 >7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
 >8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
 >9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
 >10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
 >11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
 >12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
 >13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
 >14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
 >15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
 >16) My kid had sex with your honor student.
 >17) Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
 >18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
 >19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
 >20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
 >21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
 >22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 >23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
 >24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
 >25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 >26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
 >27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
 >28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
 >29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
 >30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
 >31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
 >32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
 >33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
 >34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
 >35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
 >36) CAT----- The Other White Meat
 >37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
 >38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes
 >39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
 >40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.
 >41) Welcome To Shit Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles
 >42) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother.
 >43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an asshole.
 >44) I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.

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Things to do when you're bored at WalMart

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it. (Especially if you know the manager and his wife is in shopping, follow her through the check out and watch the cashiers expression as they scan the condoms.) Wonder what they are thinking?
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath!
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms!
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. And last, but not least...
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

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Feminine Language Keywords and their meanings for Men:

FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.  NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes.  "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men.  A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand.  She is content.  Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble.
Example:
"Oh, let me get that."  Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night."  If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit.  She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.
"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for what ever it is that you have done.  "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead."  At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you.  Do not faint; just say, "You're welcome."

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks."  A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT," when she is really ticked off at you.  It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."  Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only say "Nothing."

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings

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HANG UP AND DRIVE!

By Russ Cobb
Daily Texan (U. Texas-Austin)  07/17/2000

(U-WIRE) AUSTIN, Texas -- If you haven't been guilty of it yourself at least once, you've probably seen the crime committed hundreds of times.

Here's the scenario: You're driving down the highway soaking up the midsummer Texas sun with the windows rolled down when all of the sudden some moron nearly swerves right into you for no good reason. You look over expecting to see a beer-guzzling redneck blitzed out of his mind, but wait that's no redneck, it's a soccer mom! And that's no beer in her hand it's a cell phone!

Even though studies by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) have shown that Driving While Talking (on the cell phone, of course) increases the risk of collision by as much as 400 percent, jabbering away on the phone has become a new national pastime as American as cruising the main drag in a convertible Mustang once was. There are some 80 million wireless phone owners in the U.S., and, according to the NHTSA, over 80 percent of wireless phone customers admit to regularly using their phones in the car.

If you're already horrified by the thought of legions of otherwise normal people taking your life in their hands (no pun intended) by blabbering away at 70 miles an hour on the interstate, take no solace in the fact that things will get worse before they get better.

Many major automobile manufacturers are adding "interactive" devices as optional specs to go with the conventional bells and whistles such as a cassette player and air conditioning. Minivans and SUVs are being equipped with no kidding LCD TVs that can be mounted on the dashboard. Cars of all sorts are being "wired" to the Internet so that you can receive your email, check stock quotes or follow your team, all while blissfully navigating the traffic snarls of the daily commute. All this has given rise to a new phenomenon known as "driver distraction," which has substituted "road rage" as the most dangerous driving epidemic infecting the national highway system.

While only a few a years ago it seemed that road rage was poised to destroy the delicate fabric of the nation's car culture as freeway shootings became as common as dead armadillos in West Texas, drivers have now apparently become too distracted to care what other drivers are doing.

It is a curious development in American car culture: By spending more time in and money on their vehicles, Americans are transforming their cars into extensions of the office or home. Suburbanites, especially, have converted the car into a mobile office, as many vow to get work done on the hour-long commute. The results of all this so-called "multi-tasking" is the all-too-common sight of an SUV swerving in and out of lanes on the interstate at about 20 miles under the speed limit.

It wasn't too long ago that the car on the open highway represented the quintessential symbol of American freedom.  Films such as Easy Rider and books like On the Road glorified the simple pleasures of traveling the country with a few friends and some time to spare.

Have Americans just become bored with this simple pleasure and now need to distract themselves by checking their email and stock quotes, or are larger forces at work on the driver's psyche?

Unlike road rage, driver distraction is a market-driven phenomenon. Americans are willing to overlook the dangers of driving while under the influence of a cell phone as long as they are intoxicated by the myths of  the new economy.

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GOTTA BE A DOG'S WORLD

From: Sue McElderry

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."  -- Andrew A. Rooney

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."  -- Mark Twain

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."  -- Edward Abbey

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."  -- Ben Williams

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."  -- UNKNOWN

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."  -- Robert A. Heinlein

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."  -- Ann Landers

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.  That's almost $7.00 in dog money."  -- Joe Weinstein

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."-Rita Rudner

"Ever consider what they must think of us?  I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul; chicken, pork, half a cow.  They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"  -- Anne Tyler

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."  -- Fran Lebowitz

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think that's how dogs spend their lives."  -- Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."  -- August Strindberg

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."  -- Aldous Huxley

"In dog years, I'm dead."  -- Rodney

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Thoughts on Men and Women

From: Matt Covey

It is scary how true these are.

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it?s only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about Dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

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Kids

From: Jayna McElderry

To the Moms and the Dads . . .

I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, (personally I think it is more, MUCH more) but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice, really nice!!

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family.
Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.
It translates into:
$8,896.66 a year,
$741.38 a month,
or
$171.08 a week.
That's a mere $24.44 a day!
Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be "rich." It is just the opposite.
What do your get for your $160,140?

Naming rights. First, middle, and last!

Glimpses of God every day.

Giggles under the covers every night.

More love than your heart can hold.

Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.

Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.

A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.

A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.

Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up.

You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of  Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.

You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.

You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling the wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal.

You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.

You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.

ENJOY YOUR KIDS AND GRANDKIDS!!!!!!!

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Taiwan's Take on the story

From: Sue McElderry

Reprinted from the Taiwan daily Gazette by staff writer Wun Wing Lo:

In a heroic dogfight fought over international waters off the mainland China coast, A 60's era American built Lockheed Electra propeller airliner with 24 US Navy passenger/observers aboard chewed up one of China's best state-of-the-art supersonic fighter aircraft.  The Americans, utilizing the infrequently seen combat tactic of straight and level flight, often accomplished by relying solely on autopilot, engaged the unfortunate single seat combat jet and knocked it out of the air using only one of the EP-3's four formidable rotating air mass propellers.  After the action the crew and passenger/observers dropped in on China's Hainan Island Resort for some much-deserved R&R as guests of the Chinese government.

This free, Chinese writer knows how to look at a story!

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YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN

From: Sue McElderry

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any!!

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

24. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

29. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

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100 People

 From:  Jay McElderry

Date: Tue, 27 Feb 2001 16:21:29 EST

Subject: Something to Make you Smile

To: **MASKED**

I don't often pass on any e-mail I get but this one is well worth seeing.

Jay

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:

There would be:

57 Asians

21 Europeans

14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south

8 Africans

52 would be female

48 would be male

70 would be non-white

30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian

30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual

11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education

1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.

The following is also something to ponder...

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ...you are ahead of 500 million people in the world. If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare, even in the United States and Canada.

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

Work like you don't need the money.

Love like you've never been hurt.

Dance like nobody's watching.

Sing like nobody's listening.

Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

Pass this on, and brighten someone's day.

Nothing will happen if you do not decide to pass it along. The only thing that will happen, if you DO pass it on, is that someone might smile because of you.

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Goofy Safari

From: McElderry, Sue
Sent: Tuesday, February 27, 2001 6:16 PM
To: **MASKED**
Subject: Goofy Safari
 

  A wealthy man  decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for  company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he  discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading  rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

  The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter) Then he noticed  some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

  Just as the leopard  is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard.  I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close.  That dog nearly had me."

  Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures  he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from  the leopard. So, off he goes.  But the dog saw him heading after the leopard  with great speed, and figured that something must be up.  The monkey soon  catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself  with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

  Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What  am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

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TRIBUTE TO THE UNITED STATES

Author: Gordon Sinclair

This, from a Canadian newspaper, is worth sharing.

America: The Good Neighbor.

Widespread but only partial news coverage was given recently to a remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a Canadian television commentator. What follows is the full text of his trenchant remarks as printed in the Congressional Record:

 "This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the earth.

 Germany, Japan and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in billions of dollars and forgave other billions in debts. None of these countries is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to the United States.

 When the France was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the Americans who propped it up, and their reward was to be insulted and swindled on the streets of Paris. I was there. I saw it.

 When earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the United States that hurries in to help. This spring, 59 American communities were flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped.

 The Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries are writing about the decadent, warmongering Americans.

 I'd like to see just one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplane. Does any other country in the world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas DC10?
 If so, why don't they fly them? Why do all the International lines except Russia fly American Planes?

 Why does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman on the moon? You talk about Japanese technocracy, and you get radios. You talk about German technocracy, and you get automobiles.

 You talk about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon - not once, but several times - and safely home again.

 You talk about scandals, and the Americans put theirs right in the store window for everybody to look at. Even their draft-dodgers are not pursued and hounded. They are here on our streets, and most of them, unless they are breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at home to spend here.

 When the railways of France, Germany and India were breaking down through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them. When the Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody loaned them an old caboose. Both are still broke.

 I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone else raced to the Americans in trouble? I don't think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake.

 Our neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of hearing them get kicked around. They will come out of this thing with their flag high. And when they do, they are entitled to thumb their nose at the lands that are gloating  over their present troubles. I hope Canada is not one of those."

 Stand proud, America!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 This is one of the best editorials that I have ever read regarding the United States. It is nice that one man realizes it. I only wish that the rest of the world would realize it. We are always blamed for everything, and never even get a thank you for the things we do.

 I would hope that each of you would send this to as many people as you can and emphasize that they should send it to as many of their friends until this letter is sent to every person on the web. I am just a single American that has read this, I SURE HOPE THAT A LOT MORE READ IT SOON.

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Some Interesting Facts

Author: ?
Sent to me by: Sue McElderry

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

People DO NOT get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

Only 7% of the population are lefties.

Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

Babies are born without knee caps.  They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

The average housefly lives for one month.

Forty thousand Americans are injured by toilets each year.

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

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FACT OR BULLPUCKY

Author: ?
Sent to me by: Sue McElderry

Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbles" and "Cap'n Crunch' Oops All Berries" will cause your stools to come out green.  (FACT!)

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.  (FACT!)

Pigeons are the result of crossbreeding between a seagull and a dove.  (BULLPUCKY)

About 20% of all adults in the US have or have had a cockroach that called their inner ear canal HOME.  (FACT! They enter while you sleep!)

The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.  (FACT!)

The ONLY animals that can see behind it without turning it's head is the rabbit.  (BULLPUCKY There are 2 animals - the other is the parrot.)

John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".  (FACT!)

Among the music catalogs that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem.  (FACT!)

If all the veins in your body were laid end to end, you'd be dead.  (FACT!)

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.  (FACT!)

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.  (FACT!)

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.  (FACT!)

Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.  (FACT!)  they are reused in vein transplant surgery)

Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.  ((FACT!)  They were seventh cousins)

If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.  (FACT!)

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A Letter to the IRS

Author: Bob
Sent to me by: Jay McElderry
Subject:   An IRS story you may enjoy

Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better.  This is one of those.  It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of the 1995's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits.  The letter speaks for itself!
 

Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.  Thank you, I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years.  They are evil and expensive.  It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year.  Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction.  They are yours!!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17.  She is brilliant. Ask her!  I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns.  While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name.  Taxes should be a breeze.  Next year she is going to college.  I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.  It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school.  Kristen also has a boyfriend.  Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe  sex.  This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future.  May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14.  I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people.  He may be a tax examiner himself on day, if he is not incarcerated first.  In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home.  He and his friends were TP'ing houses.  In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids will do almost anything on a dare.  His hair is purple.  Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal?  Learn to deal with it.  You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria.  I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal.  Oh yes, he and all his friends have raging hormones.  This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home.  DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.  (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement.  Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!).

Heather is an alien.  She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year.  I'm sure this one is yours.  She is 10 going on 21.  She came from a bad trip in the sixties.  She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it.  But here's the good news!  You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me!  It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two).  She cannot speak English.  Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls / boys in the hood / reggae / yuppie / political double speak.  The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her r's.  It added a refreshing Mexican / Irish touch to her voice.  She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.  There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it.  Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of nests in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take.  I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager.  If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.  Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,
Bob

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Air crew Vs Ground crew

Author Unknown

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.  Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems submitted by Major Airline Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to them, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve them:

Pilot - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Ground Crew - Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Ground Crew - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot - #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Ground Crew - #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Pilot - Something loose in cockpit.
Ground Crew - Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot - Dead bugs on windshield.
Ground Crew - Live bugs on order.

Pilot - Autopilot in altitude-hold produces a 200-fpm descent.
Ground Crew - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot - Evidence of a leak on right main landing gear.
Ground Crew - Evidence removed.

Pilot - DME volume control unbelievably loud.
Ground Crew - Volume set to more believable level.

Pilot - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Ground Crew - That's what they're there for!

Pilot - IFF inoperative.
Ground Crew - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot - Number 3 engine missing.
Ground Crew - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot - Aircraft handles funny.
Ground Crew - Aircraft warned to "Straighten Up, Fly Right and Be Serious."

Pilot - Target radar hums.
Ground Crew - Reprogrammed target radar with the words.

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Kids' Advice to Kids

Authors Listed (Name, Age)

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
(Patrick, 10)

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?", don't answer him.
(Heather, 16)

Never tell you mom her diet's not working.
(Michael, 14)

Stay away from prunes.
(Randy, 9)

Never pee on an electric fence.
(Robert, 13)

Don't squat with your spurs on.
(Dakota, 13)

Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
(Emily, 10)

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
(Taylia, 11)

Never allow your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
(Traci, 14)

Don't sneeze in front of your mom when you're eating crackers.
(Mitchell,12)

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
(Andrew, 9)

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
(Kyoyo, 9)

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
(Armir, 9)

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
(Kellie, 11)

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
(Naomi, 15)

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
(Lauren, 9)

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
(Joel, 10)

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
(Alyesha, 13)

Never try to baptize a cat.
(Eileen, 8)

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Other Good Advice

Author: Various

1) Get to know your car.  Know what the different accessories, such as the air conditioning, is supposed to sound like. (especially after winter and you haven't used it in a while) It will save you time and money. -- Anonymous

2) When using a Q-tip to clean deep in your ear, stop inserting the Q-tip when you feel resistance. (The medical community says you should not put anything in your ear with the exception of your elbow) -- Brandon Sewall

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Thoughts to ponder

Author unknown

Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let' em go, because, man, they're gone.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say "Sorry, got these sacks."

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography. And the dancers hit each other.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.

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Andy's Ripple

By Oscia Linville

    Your death was simple for twenty years.  Boating, brandy, and codeine.  And the Public Health Department wrung your tragedy dry, producing a two-dimensional poster campaign against Graduation Partying.

    During that last stale Monday of our tenth school year your desk sat starkly testifying the impossible. Our teacher stood, white knuckles clutching the corner of your desk, and presented the lesson to us.
    "But I just talked with him Friday!," my disbelief protesting.  Protesting as I often did when told scientific truths such as gravity and inertia.
    Our classmates scurried to the comfort of whispered speculations. I sat twisting in my seat, staring at your cold desk.
    My book bag waited by my feet, that red bandana you loaned me tied to the strap. "I was going to return it to him today," I said, looking up into the face of the teacher.
    "He  doesn't need it now, Dear. I think it would be okay to keep it if you like."

    "Hey, do you remember that sixth grade field trip to the National Park," I pleaded. "Everyone jumped from the old stone bridge into Brandy Creek, except me and Andy! He wasn't scared, you know. He was encouraging me!  He told me he wouldn't jump until I did. He understood me.  And I loved him for it."
    Quiet boy who wrote poems and studied bumblebees and comprehended Shakespeare.

    "If he was such a close friend, then why didn't you alert someone to his problem!" the castigation of my guilt demanded.
    "What problem?" I puzzled.
    But pressed onto your misfortune were sanitized explanations which could not bleach out my pain.
    A poem you wrote whispered from my denim binder, the illustrating rose penned obsessively in Bic blue during seventh period last Friday.  I pressed my hand against the ink, but it had dried over the weekend while you swam, rode the black inner tube, slipped through its opening, disappeared silently into the lake. It was said that no one even saw you vanish.

    The three boys who were with you that hot Saturday didn't come to school again.  I didn't get the chance to cry with them, cry at them, beat my fists against their young chests.
    So I curled up snug and felt the unthinkingness of sleep, for twenty years.  In my sleep I let you ingest our teenage frustrations and wash them down with a too-long swallow of Whiskeytown Lake.
    You simply slipped beneath the surface.

    All those summers before you sank, I could plunge undaunted into the cool dark  depths and brush feathery lakeweed with my hands, open my eyes courageously  to look hard through the pressing black of lake bottom, let my air bubbles out with measured grace.
    But that hollow summer I disciplined myself in skimming the surface, splashing  a lot, clumsily going forward. I regained strength, lashing out at the water as if I could fight it, and win.  I taught my heart to beat out a panic.  I found that I could only dive deep in the sterilized blue of a city pool.

    They say no one ever saw your ripple, Andy.  Perhaps they weren't patient enough.
    Your ripple travels way down where the silt settles, but I know that in time it will prove.
    I have taken The Aft Watch.

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One Liners

Never trip lightly. - Vickie Ford

"Using Outlook Express is the moral equivalent of putting on spike heels, fishnets, and and a bustier, walking down to the corner of Virus St and Trojan Ave, and shouting 'Hello Sailor!'."  - A posting from the Microsoft XP news group

If you hate to do something, you'll end up having to do it - Aunt Sharon

No good deed goes unpunished - unknown

Beer is proof that God wanted us to be happy. - Benjamin Franklin

Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before. - Dwight Eisenhower

It's not the critics fault there is something to criticize. - Unknown

Hindsight is useless - George Linville

The booger is in the eye of the beholder - Frank Zappa

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm - Winston Churchill

I can't complain but sometimes I still do - Joe Walsh, WB6ACU

Where there is a will there is a relative - Dennis Pereillo

I feel more like I do now than when I first got here - Tony Mercado

If at first you don't succeed, maybe you're just a damn looser - The Four Postmen

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Officer VS. NCO

Author unknown

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.  "Excuse me," he shouted.  "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."  The man below responded:  "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 41 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 59 degrees West Longitude."

"You must be an NCO," responded the balloonist.

"I am," the man replied.  "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

Where upon the man on the ground responded, "You must be an OFFICER."  "That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.  The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

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HOW TO KEEP YOUR SANITY AT WORK...

Author unknown

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over  their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.   For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Insist that your e-mail address be: [email protected]

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask  and snorkel. If no one notices, ditch the snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza,  doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."

When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's
windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.

Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area.   Insist to others that you like it that way.

Dont use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

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Adam's Deal

    Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"  Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
    God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.  He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
    Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
    God replied, "An arm and a leg."
    Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
    The rest is history.

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Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

==>  Please do not remove the copyright from this essay <==

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest.  He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad.  Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.  My motto:  wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially.  "I see you have your nose pierced.  Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One:  If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two:  You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:  I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:   You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four:  I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five:  In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:  I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven:  As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:  The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  Places lacking parents, policemen, or nuns.  Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin.  Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.  Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight  simple rules from memory.
 I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud!
 And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them.  (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.)  I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy.  "Don't you remember being that age?"  she challenged.

Of course I remember.  Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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