Snow White and the Seven Drunks
With many people attending parties and various social events, it is a fair assumption to make that most people have witnessed their friends, family or even just generic people drunk. It is also fair to assume that most people, by their teenage years, would have experienced being in a drunken state first hand. However, it is said that a good party is one that is not remembered, because of severe intoxication. With this in mind, many drunks do not remember how they acted the night before, or what they did. This essay is written to help these people get a better understanding of what type of drunk they are. I have never been drunk myself, nor have I even had a drink in my life. I have however, witnessed more than my share of drunkenness, and this is written from my observations. I can conclude that there are essentially seven different categories of drunks; each meeting specific and unique characteristics. Also, before reading this, keep in mind that a person can be more than one type of drunk, and can fall under several of the seven categories.
The happy drunk- The happy drunk is a very common type of drunk. When intoxicated, this person will express several feelings of joy and cheer, frequently telling you and others what you mean to their life, and how much they love you. As auspicious as it would sound to get complemented on this level, having the wrong person tell you these sorts of things can be weird�very weird. The last thing I need is one of my friends telling my how much they love me. And as for them telling me how great I am�well�I already knew that, right? What is worse than the verbal happy drunk is the one who takes it to the next level by continuously making physical contact with you. This type will often put their arm around you when complementing you, and will give you several hugs throughout the duration of their intoxication. As if being told that I am loved by another man was not bad enough, now I have a guy hugging me when he says it. Please, if you witness this type of drunk at a party, especially the ones who make physical contact, avoid them at all costs. That is one semi-homosexual encounter I think we can all do without.
The violent drunk- The violent drunk is another fairly common type of drunk. As one can gather from the name, the violent drunk is just that. When intoxicated, this type of drunk generally takes what you say the wrong way, (even if it can only be taken one way), and is sent into a violent rage. If you so much as look at this drunk, you could find yourself challenged to a fight. Or, if he is less formal, you could actually find yourself within a fight, regardless of your consent. The ironic part about this type of drunk is that they are usually not the greatest of fighters; and by not the greatest, I mean pretty much the worst. On top of that, they are also usually too hammered to even see straight, let alone fight. One example of the violent drunk came on the bus. My friend was staring out the back of the bus, which was in the vicinity of a drunken man. Little did he know, this drunk was the violent kind. The drunk then stumbled over to my friend, started screaming and swearing at him, and pushed him repeatedly for staring at him in an inappropriate manner. The violent drunk is definitely an annoying type of drunk because it is hard to say anything to them without pissing them off. Also, the violent drunk, like the happy drunk, does not hesitate to tell you what they think of you. However, unlike the happy drunk, what the violent drunk often thinks of you is not so flattering. If you encounter a violent drunk at any sort of event, be sure to steer clear.
The depressed drunk- Thankfully, the very annoying depressed drunk is not as common to see as the previously stated kinds. The depressed drunk is the kind you may find at parties curled up in a corner, sobbing about the problems they face in life. This type of drunk spends the whole party not enjoying themselves by making the beer bottle their best friend, and secluding themselves in a bedroom, or something to that effect. This way, they think that no one will be able to see them cry. However, it is inevitable that someone, more often than not it will be you, will come across their path when they are in this state, and they begin to cry on your shoulder, telling you about their problems. Personally, I do not remember taping a sign to my back saying that I cared about the depressed drunk�s problems. However, you can also feel obligated to comfort them if they are in fact your friend. Secondly, and probably most importantly, now, not only is the depressed drunk not enjoying the party, but now neither are you. Good thing this person is your friend�what with not letting you enjoy the party and all. So now you find yourself in a room with this crying man, re-living an old relationship or something to that effect, and although you do not care, you cannot tell them that, and although you know everything wrong in their life is their fault, you cannot tell them that either. No, you are stuck listening to this person the entire night, getting more pissed off and frustrated by the second. Many wish there was an easy way to avoid putting up with the depressed drunk, however, such a concept is unfortunately only a fairy tale.
The centre of attention (COA) drunk- The COA drunk is probably my personal favourite drunk. No bar or party is complete without this drunk. Famous for wearing a lampshade on his head, the COA drunk quickly becomes the life of the party when intoxicated. This person becomes very loud, swears a lot for no real reason, and babbles on about random garbage that has nothing to do with anything. This type of drunk loses all shame too when intoxicated. They will talk about anything at all, and use whatever words they feel like, even those only found in an �R� rated movie. This of course adds to the hilarity as the COA drunk quickly becomes very loud, screaming obscenities to the entire party. This person also receives an endless supply of courage once drunk too. This type of drunk is always the first to embarrass themselves by busting a move on the dance floor, something that always looks similar to a man swatting flies with both hands, and builds courage to say several sexual things to members of the opposite sex, often leading to the always hilarious slap across the face. Once intoxicated, everything is funny to the COA drunk, particularly what they say. They will laugh harder than ever before in their entire life, even if what they just said or heard does not make any sense. It is a matter of opinion as to whether or not the COA drunk is annoying or not, however one thing is for sure, if there is a COA drunk present, be sure to bring some sort of a camera for future blackmail.
The competitive drunk- The competitive drunk is a fairly rare drunk. However chances are that most people have encountered at least one of these drunks in their life. The competitive drunks can usually be seen perched beside the bar, always with at least one other person. Where the concept of competitiveness comes in is the fact that this person obligates you to drink as much as they do. This drunk will most commonly make some sort of challenging comment to initiate the competition. This could be something such as, �Bet you can�t drink as much as me!� If you accept this challenge, then the drunk�s mission is accomplished. If you do not bite on the first try, the competitive drunk will most of the time call you names such as �wuss� to lead you into competition. When this person suckers you in, you are obligated to take as many shots of alcohol as he does, for the simple reason to not be outdone. Not all competitive drunks conduct their business so openly however. There are more subtle competitive drunks out there. These can often be the more annoying types. This person will order shots for you without your consent, and even go as far as to bring it to you from across the room. Once you are done with that glass of alcohol, they will go back and refill your glass, even if it is against your will. And, of course, when this person comes back with a fresh glass for you, you are not one to let good beer to go waste. This is an annoying type of drunk because they make sure that if they are going to get alcohol poisoning, then so are you.
The delirious drunk- The delirious drunk is always a fun type of drunk, as long as it is not you. When intoxicated, this drunk is prone to hallucination, and acting on internal only images that do not necessarily exist. One annoying and disturbing way in which the delirious drunk hallucinates is when they have to go to the bathroom. Obviously, the courteous thing to do in this situation, and the action held highly by society in general is to seclude yourself in a bathroom, then urinate freely. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the delirious drunk sees something such as a houseplant or grandfather clock as a bathroom, and thus does his business in the middle of the room. A guy dropping his pants in my presence is not something I am terribly keen on seeing. This is a primary example of why one definitely does not want to be the delirious drunk. Another feature of the delirious drunk is more common than the kind who enforces a self-imposed public urination policy. This person will often find members of the opposite sex to be more attractive than they actually are. For example, a delirious drunk, assume it is a male, will approach a girl who is so hideous, one can speculate that she is an escapee from the local freak show. Of course, since this is a delirious drunk we are talking about, she appears to be gorgeous. The girl, having to take what she can get with respect to men, is delighted that someone is coming on to her. Also, the drunk will only be interested at this point in sexual gratification. This makes for an amusing morning after, when the drunk wakes up next to a Miss Piggy like figure, if Miss Piggy had Down syndrome. As one can see from this, the situations revolving around the delirious drunk can be very comical, as long as you are not the drunk.
The green drunk- The green drunk is a common type of drunk in one form or another. This refers to the type of drunk whose physical state is altered once intoxicated. One way in which this can be true is very common, and that is the type of person who falls asleep quickly after drinking too much. This can vary person to person of course. Some green drunks will fall asleep very quickly after becoming intoxicated, and others only when very heavily drunk. Of course, this type of green drunk can become a fire hazard if they pass out in the middle of the floor. This is annoying as it makes other non-green drunks immobile for the duration of the party. The other type of green drunk can be better related to the word �green�. This is the type of drunk who does not hold their alcohol very well, and becomes sick or green in the face. Obviously no one wants to be around this type of green drunk. One too many beers for this person, and they are like a volcano of puke, waiting to erupt, too commonly all over you. This type of green drunk also, for one reason or another, seems to have problems finding the bathroom, where there is the toilet or garbage can. Instead, they find it necessary to puke right in the middle of all the action. I am not sure about anyone else, but I find it hard to have a good time when there are piles of human vomit all over the place. Bottom line, if you see someone who looks like a potential green drunk, try and stay clear.
So there you have it. The seven different categories of drunks. The happy drunk who loves everyone, the violent drunk who hates everyone, the depressed drunk who is miserable themselves, and makes all those around them miserable, the centre of attention drunk who can liven up any party, the competitive drunk who makes you drink involuntarily, the delirious drunk who pisses all over your house, and the green drunk who pukes all over you. In their own way, all of these seven types can be very annoying at times, and when keeping in mind that a person can be more than one type of drunk, the wrong combination can ruin any party that you throw.
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