For My Grandmother
To my paternal grandmother, who raised me from the time I was 8 until I was 13 years old.
Mams,
You were a very strong lady and you were my best friend, especially after Mom died. Thank you for all you did for me and for listening when I came to you with my troubles.
I wish you could have had a few more years on Earth without being in pain from diverticulitis and the other miscellaneous ailments over the years. You deserved to have a few more happy times without being in pain.
You took care of my grandfather before he died during the time I lived with you both, and you took care of me and my dad and my uncle and his family. Nothing is supposed to be stronger than a mother's love, except maybe a grandmother's.
I wish you could've told us you needed help sooner than we figured it out on our own, but you were always so stubborn and independent, or at least you were always trying to be! Maybe if we could've seen better what you did need, and could've taken better care of you like you had done for us all these years, you would still be here with us. For that I am sorry.
I prayed the last night I saw you in the hospital that you could live to have some more happy and painless times. However, I also told God that I knew that whatever was in His will would be, and that if your leaving us was in His will, so be it. The next day, it was.
With both Mom's death and yours, I was told by people to basically be careful of what I let myself see afterwards, that I didn't want to have certain things be the last memory I'd have of you. To me, or for me, they have been wrong. The last things I have remembered have been that of loving women who took care of me and held me when I was born, and who were with me when I was at my lowest, as well as at some of my happiest. These last visions they warn me about have encompassed all of that which I remember about you from my whole 29 years on Earth. I can't understand how that could be something I do not want to see, or remember, by putting my eyes upon the now peaceful faces that have loved me and cared for me so. It seems the least thing I could do for you at this time, even though it was at the end, or maybe because it was at the end. Why shouldn't I see your face? I am saying good-bye to you just as you told me hello the day I was born. I came in this world with you nearby, and you left with me nearby. "Steel magnolias" we women are called, here in the South.
I will never forget you and I will always love you. All my memories of you, from beginning to end, will always be treasured.
Always,
Your oldest granddaughter, Alicia
Created June 22, 2000