"Leeds, which used to be in Yorkshire..." - Mrs Ward

"Lindsay Colvine!....where's Lindsay?....Lindsay Colvine....is away today." - Mr Thorpe

"You...must...be.....JOKING!!!" - Mrs Hadwin

"err.... boys." - Mr Foreman-Peck

"I was very pleased with Gareth and Gina. I was not so pleased(pause)with Lewis. " - Miss G. A. Willis

"Ohhhhhh! come in Edwardo" - Mrs Winch-Johnson

"I thought thet some off yuu mayht want to know abeyt Salth Efrica. Dus anyone hef eny questions?........... "- Mrs McDougal

"I usually write 'all worked well' but today, I might be writing some people's names down." - Mme. Payne

"Andrew! Did you belch? - Mme. Gower

"Did you?......(repulsed)..Burp?" - Mme. Gower

"Ladies and gentlemen: [PAUSE] ... and I will call you ladies and gentlemen because that's what you are" - Mr Brian Kirker

"My name is Brian Kirker" - Mr Brian Kirker

"I have always felt that the pupils of a school are an integral part of the school..." - Mr Brian Kirker

"Is anyone's desk misbehaving?" - Mr Selley

"This is a library, not a common-room!" - Mrs Christophers

"You may get six rejections" - Mr N Smith

"Err, young man, I don't think you're supposed to be in that program." -Mrs Leech

"Go 'ome and burn your biscuits" - Mr Harrison

"We're operating a policy of zero tolerance." - Mrs Ward

"...................horseplay.............................." - Mrs Ward

"Merry Chr-......." - Mr Harrison

"Actually Dimitri, I'm very cross!" - Mrs S. V. Peters

"Ooh, sat on a gas-tap" - Mr Hill

"Go!" - Mrs J G James (occasional)

"Some people think that history is just fiction, but I mean, I know that there was a battle of Hastings and I know that William was killed" - Mrs K A Bednarczyk

"Queen Victoria became queen in 1834" - Mrs K A Bednarczyk

"The magnesium will fizz violently....................... Oh." - Mr Harrison

"FivetofourMrForeman-Peck" - Mr Crosby

"My husband, who's a lawyer." - Mrs Bednarczyk

"Ah.." -Mrs Bednarcyzk

"This is a work room. If you don't want to work that's fine" - Mrs K Bednarcyzk

"Out!" - Mrs Christophers

"I think that if athletes take drugs and then compete in the Olympics, well I think that is cheatin'." - Mrs Weeks

"In Chester........" - Mrs Ward

"When I was in India...." - Mr Crosby

"Ooh! I nearly fell over and bruised my sit-upon" Mr R. Parsons

"DQBDT......." Mr B. Hobbs

"I once had lunch with Peter Conley" Mr Bathurst

"Will you be coming to the lecture, 'Your trireme and how to use it'?" Mr Bathurst

"Just quit the course" - Mr Staples

"a mixed life - Leo's own character." (name unknown)

"No that's not it... Oh you stupid man...." -Mr. Parsons

"Back in my days as a young farm boy..." - Mr Smale

"Err, yes I will thank you" - Mr R G Saul

"Hey, you at the back!" Mr C J D Bathurst

"The more words you don't know, the bigger the snowball." - Mr C J D Bathurst

"Yuri!!! Siddown!!!" (x10) - Mr Harrison

"My Lucy's head girl, you know." - Mrs L Smith

"Did you smile? Get out." - Mrs Winch-Johnson

"It's like a be(e/a)r garden, in 'ere." - Mr Harrison

"I said be quiet, I did not tell you to start makin' animal noises." - Mr Harrison

"You've got work to do, I've got work to do: let's get on." - Mr Harrison

"Don't time me, I'm not an egg" - Mrs Winch (added by Claire Clapshaw)

"An example of a myth is like...say, the Woolly Mammoth." - Miss Wilding

"Meeting the need, completing the task." - The venerable, the most reverend, Stanley Cobbett

"S'il vous plait, merci." - Mrs V Beardmore

"Many Americans are very interested in their lineage and have come to England to find out more..........crops" - Mrs V Beardmore

"Oh, I see, you think that's funny do you? Well let me tell you..." - Mr R G Saul

"Of course if you don't know your Bismarck ..... you're dead." - Mr N Smith

"Ypsilantis was a twerp. Don't write that in your essay." - Mr N Smith

"WHY is there so much NOISE in here?" - Mrs Christophers

"If you do not pick up litter..." Mr P Selley

"Black Beauty? That's a children's book!!!" - Mrs Winch Johnson

"Thank.. you... for.... NOTHING!" - Mrs Hadwin

"I don't give a monkey!" - Rev. Evans

"When I used to work in a school in inner city London..." - Mr Saul

"How's it going? Let's talk about how you're all FEELING" - Miss Ullmer

"Do you really think I'm a bad teacher?"- Mr Harwood

"If you multiply the cows by the pigs..."- Mr Parsons

"My son, who's studying engineering at Durham..." -Mr N Smith

"If you tie the string around the paper so that the pages can be turned easily..." - Mr Selley

"Year Nine downstairs" - Mrs Peacock

"JACKITTS?"(sic) - Mrs Peacock

"Tallyrand, a piece of dung in a silk stocking..." - Mr N. Smith

"Igor, oh sorry, Yuri..."- Mr B. Hobbs

"Mr Meagre scared me. But he's dead now and that's sad." - Mrs S. V. Peters.

"Openbracket 2x + 3y closebracket openbracket 4x + 3y closebracket............" (x100 with minor alterations) - Mrs Bloodworth

"I'll soon lick him into shape." - Mrs Smale

"Lee, GET OUT." Revd. Evans

"Ian, GET OUT." ibid.

"Charlotte, GET OUT." ibid.

"They weren't very good people; they weren't English." - Mrs K Downing

"I always celebrate when my children go away." - Mrs K Downing

"Where's the meat?" - Mrs K Downing

"My uncle was an alcoholic and died last year. Actually, it's quite funny [audience laughs in disbelief].... no, no not that he died." - Mrs S. V. Peters

"Look Igor, a Latvian power generator!" - Mr Gregory (Holding up two sticks) 

"This...is the bending process." - Mr.Beckerson

"Is your uncle married, Lewis?" - Miss Ullmer (Responding to revelations that Lewis is going on holiday with his uncle) 

"After seeing your test results I almost slit my wrists." - Mrs.Peters

"Smell this poisonous gas, so that if you smell it again, you'll know it's poisonous" - Mr.Britten

"Ejaculation is sometimes called comin'. " - Mrs.Weeks

"Oh my God! They're all Chinese!" - Miss Wilding (upon seeing a cast list for 'King Lear')

"I think we can learn a lot from M people" - Mrs Beardmore 

"If you're not careful you'll burn your ass on the grass" - Mr Lewis 

"Today we're going to be doing Rugby" - Mr Wyeth 

"What have you been putting that make-up on with, a paint roller?" - Mr Lewis 

"Take that ear-ring out, Dean, you look like a gyppo" - Mr Lewis 

"Tell Dean to stop doing that before I go over there and smash his head in" - Mr Lewis 

"E?!!! That's not a grade!!" - Mrs Winch-Johnson 

"Now, before you begin the heatin' I want you to be thinkin' about the readins you're going to be takin'" - Mrs Weeks 

"We're gunna do u drill." - Mr Gibson 

"LIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - Mrs Winch