As In a Dream
By: Noctiluca
~ [email protected]
The laughter. The laughter. And all the
lights that blind me. Sparkling, glistening, falling down
like cascades of water, smooth and icy cold. I remember the day I
suddenly woke up, standing on stage, staring into the light and not knowing
where I was and how I got there. Everybody staring at me... laughing.
"Have you forgotten the words, schoolboy?"
Had I forgotten the words... But what had I been
trying to say?
I ran away, of course.
Out of the light and hid in the shadows... for hours, for weeks, for years?
There’s so much comfort in the darkness. And so many lies.
I bathed in my shame, the feeling of ugliness, self-denial, drunk, greedily
sucking in hatred like a sponge. Until I heard somebody scream:
"They will never understand!"
My heart agreed with a fast beat: yes. They will never. But that is no reason
to hide my beauty. I’m gonna let it sparkle, let it
shine. I’m gonna be so much brighter than the lights,
higher than the clouds. I’m gonna wrap myself in beauty, untouchable like a ghost... see, your hands go right
through me... I’m gonna be your new god, leaving you
breathless, overwhelmed, exhausted... And I’ll be laughing all the time.
Laughing, laughing eyes... Your stare goes through me, cuts through my flesh...
"But I will," you say.
Yes, it was you.
***
"May I come closer?"
"Sure, if you can."
I smile and sit down next to you. You glance at me with that sparkle in your
eyes. I am dressed in shining green and silver, the colors are reflected in
your beautiful eyes that never lie. They mirror my heart. You lift your hand
and gently touch my cheek.
"You are so beautiful," you whisper.
I swallow hard, your words moving me almost more than I can bear. I have learned
not to believe what they say, to spot the lies dripping from their tongues. It
doesn’t matter to me anymore. That feeling you give me... that I am special...
that I am worth believing in... it is all that counts
now.
Someone flings the door open.
"Brian, here you are! Five minutes! Are you ready?"
I stare at him and nod. I can hear the fans screaming through the open door...
somewhere, far away, on a different planet.
"I’m coming," I say softly.
The man smiles and closes the door again, shutting out all the noise. You look
at me.
"Are you ready?" you repeat the question, but it sounds so different
this time.
I gaze into your eyes, a wave of insecurity hitting my stomach. Am I? Isn’t
that the reason why I’ve come here, why I stole into your dressing room,
running away, hiding from
You smile so warm, a little mischievously, taking one last puff of your
cigarette before dropping it to the ground as you get up.
"You’re not alone," you say.
Your words rush through me, wiping away all doubts within a microsecond.
Yes, I am ready. I get up too and smile at you.
"Did I ever tell you..." I trail off,
suddenly embarrassed.
You look at me with those honest eyes, waiting for me to continue.
"Yeah?"
My heart beats fast as thoughts fly past, I can not take grip of them, of the
words... I’d rather show you. Show you all that’s inside of me,
that lies hidden, never seen, never understood. I am dying to turn my
soul inside out for you to see, to let you in, in here, into all the little
sacred places of my heart. But I can never find the words to say...
What the hell am I so afraid of? I shy away from your touch even though I want
to feel it so desperately, it’s like drowning... I need to feel you inside of
me, in here, in the shadows of my heart. But what will you say then? Will you
understand?
I turn away and walk to the door, I can’t bear this tension. Every time I see
you it just gets worse... But everything becomes brighter still, gaining
meaning...
Suddenly you grab my hand and stop me. We stare into each other’s eyes and
before I can react you pull me close and kiss me, your
lips burning mine... the fever... waves of tenderness... And the strange
feeling that somehow you KNOW already...
You pull back, your hands still holding my head and your eyes shining brighter
than diamonds.
"Show them," you whisper. "Show the whole fucking world. Don’t
think about it. Just do it."
The beating of my heart as loud as thunder. In that
moment, the freedom is everywhere... it is around us, floating between you and
me, pulsing through my veins... and I feel stronger than ever before in my
whole life. Untouchable.
I’m gonna be your new god. I smile and nod, your
sparkle in my eyes.
The fire. Yeah, show the whole fucking world that I
just don’t care. I open the door and walk out, leaving you behind. I know you
will follow me soon.
Come into the light and shine.
***
Baby's on fire
Better throw her in the water
Look at her laughing
Like a heifer to the slaughter
Baby's on fire
And all the laughing boys are bitching
Waiting for photos
Oh the plot is so bewitching
Rescuers row row
Do your best to change the subject
Blow the wind blow blow
Lend some assistance to the object
Photographers snip snap
Take your time she's only burning
This kind of experience
Is necessary for her learning...
***
The laughter. The laughter. Now it’s you
and me. We can’t stop laughing as we roll on the ground and you scream:
"Wooooo!"
I laugh and laugh and laugh... laughing the laughter of deliverance. Did you
see their faces? Oh, the crowd went nuts... They loved us, loved us, loved
us... Somebody said he understood...
I want to lay like this forever... here, beside you. Feeling so free, so beautiful and charming.
Oh, starchild, what have you done to me? Stabbing all
those thorns into my heart, making me want you more every time they sting me...
I want to get naked, dropping my mask, dropping everything. Stripping
down to nothing but the truth. And I’ll just let them laugh now, they
can’t hurt me. I will laugh right back, into their faces and shout:
"Bravo!"
Let the blind rule their world, we will rule ours.
As the laughter finally comes to an end, I lay still and look at you as I take
hold of your hand. I bring it to my lips and kiss it gently. You look at me,
the laughter still there in your eyes.
Little demon, daredevil, you showed me a whole new meaning... You were always
the one rushing forwards. Lighting my sparks. And now
I know I can find the strength to do it. I get up and walk over to the makeup
table, and I wipe away all the paint from my face.
All the glitter... And the real stars are here, inside my eyes. I drop my mask
for you. And here I stand now, without my makeup, unguarded.
Am I still beautiful to you?
"As in a dream,"
you say.
-fin-