Story: MTV's two top moneymakers have save up their cash to buy tickets to GWAR's upcoming concert. Unfortunately, Mr. Anderson's poodle chewed up the tickets, and Mr. Anderson himself ran over them with his riding mower (who said that Ticketmaster was the only one ruining tickets these days?). The tickets get ripped into a million pieces and Beavis and Butt-Head must now scour all of Highland for them.

Critique: This game is sort of like a Frosted Mini-Wheat because there are features and bonuses for the different persons living inside of you. For the Beavis and Butt-Head fan in you, there are so many nuances and features from the show's first season (and parts of the second) that it'll blow you mind. There are so many digitized sound bites from the show, you might just think you're playing this game on the Super NES. The opening title sequence is fucking hilarious! For the cartoonish graphic adventure/RPG (a'la Sam and Max) in you, there's plenty of comic interaction with roughly drawn characters (like the cartoon itself). For the kid in you (Whoops! Sorry, Kellogg's!), there's enough of that "special" humor in the game to keep you rolling on the floor (you know... farts, burps, and the like). Finally, for the regular Average Joe game player, there enough solid gameplay and challenge to keep you involved for longer than the average rental (the jokes may wear a little thin after the hundredth play, though...).

The Idiot Factor: Based on the quality of the game and my overall enjoyment of it (no, this isn't for school; just trying out a new writing style), the only real "idiot factor" that I can find is in the title characters and anyone who purchased the Super NES version.

Rating: 9.5 (standing alone). 10+ (compared to the Super NES version).

Story: Donkey Kong's banana horde has been stolen from him and now he's gone vigilante with his sidekick Diddy to get it back.

Critique: Ahh, the new overhyped game of the season. Well, the hype was worth it as far as graphics and sound go. Everything sure is purty in Donkey Kong Country (reminds me of a part of Disneyland, how about you?), and the sound and music are just as good. My big problems with the game are with both the gameplay and the message the game is trying to convey. First, my beef with the gameplay. The way the levels are structured, the map screen, the way you can ride animals, and the bonus levels all bring back strong memories of Super Mario World. Hey! Even the names are similar! Super Mario World, Donkey Kong Country... it's a conspiracy, I tell you! My other problem is that Nintendo is using DKC as more of a soapbox to speak out against Sega than a game. When you beat the bosses, what you do get? A large banana with the Nintendo logo on it. Also, throughout the game there are quotes from Cranky Kong about how much memory the graphics in the game are taking up, how advanced it is, etc. Nintendo also continues this message in their latest advertorials. Like you really care. Like this is going to stop you from getting the bucks to buy this game. Thhhpppttt...

The Idiot Factor: I guess the average idiot would wonder where the ladders to climb and the hammers to use against the barrels were.

Rating: 8.5

Story: After failing to unbalance the furies, conquer the earth, et al, in the first Mortal Kombat tournament and losing his lifelong companion- oops, make that protege Goro, Shang Tsung faces death from his master Shao Kahn. In desperation, Tsung devises a new plot to destroy the earth by holding a new Mortal Kombat tournament in the Outworld. The winner of the tournament will face certain death at the hands of Kahn. The dark forces of evil will then be able to control the earth and all the ice cream upon it.

Critique: I'll try to sum up my opinion of this game fairly quickly and concisely, since you've probably read three billion other reviews of it. MKII is a near perfect (that is, 99.9%) translation of the arcade version with awesome graphics, finishing moves (fatalities, etc.), and gameplay that mirror the coin-op. The only flaws that warrant the near-perfect rating is a miniscule case of slowdown when performing Baraka's multi-blade and Scorpion's spear, and (I know this is nit-picking) some itsy-bitsy rearranging of some music... the title theme, for example. As for control, that really depends on the type of controller you're using. You may experience MKII burnout now that you can go non-stop, but with the addition of extra features, such as the group battle mode, your enjoyment may be extended for years and years (okay, maybe for another hour or so). Basically a sound buy for your entertainment dollar (corn).

The Idiot Factor: The only real idiocy I can see associated with this game is the purchase of the flawed Genesis version.

Rating: 10 (9.9 rounded)

Story: Atari has updated their classic polygonal arcade title for the 64-bit Jaguar. Once again you must battle boatloads (rocketloads?) of them alien scum and make the universe safe for any and every polygon-based lifeform out there.

Critique: An absolutely killer soundtrack featuring a rad techno beat and plenty of voice samples highlight this addictive game. There's fast blasting action and loads of power-ups, and for you freaks out there who love plenty of options and features in your games, you got 'em. There's the original arcade version of Tempest, Tempest Plus (a simultaneous two player version of Tempest), and of course Tempest 2000. "What's new in Tempest 2000?", you ask? Well, the empty polygonal graphics that were in the original are now filled in, the enemies are quicker and more fierce, and there are a vast amount of intricate levels with webs that twist in every way imaginable. As for the bonus stage, it's amazing, challenging, and 3D-ingly cool as your little ship flies through hoops in a parallel dimension (or something). Yes, this is another glowing review (we seem to have a lot of them this issue). The only thing I can find wrong with this title isn't the game itself; it's simply the fact that (put your soapbox ears on) the Jaguar is slightly overpriced and there are too few games out there for it.

The Idiot Factor: Your average idiot would turn on his Jaguar, hear the roar at the opening screen, and dive underneath his covers in fear. He would learn the Idiot's Lesson of Video Gaming #954: That there really is a Jaguar inside Atari's system, and would never play it again.

Rating: 9

"T*HQ SUCKS!!!"

You've probably heard that many times if you have read any video game magazine (you can even read about it in this issue), most likely due to the low quality of their games. But anyway, this is not an article that either supports or refutes that claim (well, maybe it is). I'm only going to tell you all about the origin of this notorious company. Back in 1990, Broderbund Software (creators of such games as Battle of Olympus and The Guardian Legend, and even the U-Farce... er, U-Force peripheral) wanted to exit the home video game market to "concentrate on their computer software dicision, which has been Broderbund's strength for more than a decade" (quote courtesy of Game Players' magazine). And just guess who they sold their home video game division to! Yes, you're right, T*HQ!!!

Now, I have a theory behind T*HQ's reputation for suckiness. Do any of you out there remember the TV show "The Greatest American Hero"? If you don't, I'll fill you in. It was a mid-80's program about a school teacher who is given super powers by a bunch of aliens. One of those powers was the ability to fly, but unfortunately, on his way back to his house, he dropped the alien's instruction booklet on how to fly properly. So the guy basically flew around crashing into things.

But to get back to my semi-intelligent theory, maybe on the way back to Calabases, California (where T*HQ's den 'o destruction is located), they dropped Broderbund's book on how to make good games (Hey! Maybe they're aliens!).

Greetings programs (archaic Tron reference), and welcome to another exciting edition of my finally named column.

Are you waiting for the 32X as breathlessly as I am? I for one would love to pay $150 dollars for a Sega add-on that's not compatible with their other, better system scheduled to come out a year or so from now. You have to wonder what the hell Sega is thinking releasing this add-on. Is Nintendo ripping them that badly or is it a sign that we can't expect the Saturn for a while? Are they afraid that it won't sell because of the price (like the 3DO)?

If so, I would like to point out that the 3DO's biggest problem was a lack of games to justify its price... a price that is steadily coming down, I might add. Get it below $300 and I'll consider it.

Oh well, maybe they should do a version of the 3DO that takes cartridges. But then this gives it the same problem as the Ultra 64 has, the cost of the cartridges. As it stands the cost of a 32-megger costs anywhere from 65 to 85 dollars, with the games for the Neo-Geo going for about $200 or more. So will we have $50 systems with $200 games?! I really doubt it, but anything is possible.

You know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of the eternal holy war that goes on every day between gamers who say "My system's better than yours". I'd like to tell these people, "Gee, that's nice, but I don't care." I say buy what you like. If you don't like it, don't buy it... and don't shove your decision down someone else's throat. I own a Super NES and a Genesis, and I have several excellent games for both of them. I plan, as money permits, to pick up other game platforms as well since I like the games available for all of them. Heck, I even crank up my old systems every now and then to play crusty games that I still think are great (for the 5200, NES, etc.).

Oh, sure, I may not like a company's policies, or their general attitude toward software development and promotion. However, if they have a damn good game, that game is still damn good, and I'm going to want to play it if I can.

So, if you own one system and think all the others should burn in hell, that's fine. Just keep it to yourself, and don't bother me with it. I compare this mentality to the same logic that gets books burned and movies censored. It's childish and pointless, and leads to a mindless waste of energy for the people involved. That's energy that could be spent on more constructive things like finishing Final Fantasy III, Phantasy Star IV, or any number of games, for that matter.

No, just kidding. But it's a great all-purpose attention getter, n'est-ce pas?

To put it simply, I'm going to write what I write best. And that is by writing whatever comes to mind. Ready? Here we go...

Mortal Kombat II! Wow! This was the first game to actually come to my door, rip the skin off my left pinky toe, tear off my head, and drag me into the arcades! I love it to say the least! Even if you're a wimp, I mean, player that can't handle, I mean, doesn't want blood, you get babalities and friendships!

A drunk Queen Elizabeth spinning in circles, and Prince Charles saying, "Who spiked the decaf?"...

Jurassic Park for the Sega CD... what's the big deal? This game sucks! I had to set my alarm clock to make sure I woke up in time to see the ending! C'mon, Video Games, nobody needed a strategy guide...

When is an awesome portable going to come out? LameToy, Lamest Gear, Sphynx, the all suck! And hey, WHY ISN'T THERE A PORTABLE NES? Game sales would go up, Nintendo's popularity would skyrocket, the consumers would love- OOPS! Nintendo won't do anything that could possibly make its customers even the slightest bit happy. Sorry about that slip-up, folks...

Here's a ponderous Q that I wish someone would answer for me: why do all the prozines seem to get along with each other except for my fave, EGM?

Ooh! Ooh! Bad guy take. Me get. Me scroll through six look-alike stages. Me have corny ending.

The above italicized words are the perfect description of any T*HQ game.

I would like to adequately express- heh, heh- that sucks!

A Beavis and Butthead game? Can't wait!

Like to read my fanzine? Send $1 to...

Alan Lanoie
Infestation
(Alan's street address)

(Why did I let him do that? I hate it when people plug their publications in other fanzines, so why do I let it go by in mine? I guess I need to fill some space, hypocritic fool that I am. Maybe this is also why I am writing this little thing. Oh well, I've filled enough space. -ed.)

"Welco... Welco... isn't that where the whole David Koresh thing happened?", my sister asked as she stared at the poster I got with my free Sega Visions magazine. I was too busy to reply, as I was looking through some papers to find some old copies of VGM to give her for a project in her college desktop publishing class. I just said "uh-huh" and kept on hunting. She continued as well, saying "I don't understand this poster... is this type of cryptic message designed for the sole purpose of attracting impressionable youth to the realm of video games?" Typical college speak. I sighed and digged deeper- hey! Six month old raisins! And my 1990 collector's edition Japanese Sushi Roll-Up bar (still available to the public for five boxtop lids and $1.95). Mmm... both still got flavor! Er, where was I... oh yeah, a droning college intellectual of a sister hell-bent on deciphering the meaning of my poster. "Me...tot, Metot. Sounds like an infant's first words or something. This is one weird poster, Ben." I agreed, not really caring about what she said, still enthralled with my treasure hunt and munching happily on my newly discovered food. She kept staring at the poster as I searched, but then... Viva la scavenging! VGMs one through four. I sat them on the "semi-organized" pile and kept probing deeper into the body cavity that was my desk. Jenna, blissfully unaware of my discovery, kept probing the organ that was her brain. "Henex! What's a henex?!", she uttered while looking at me. "Uh... something you wipe your nose with?" She sighed and said, "Tlevel, Tlevel; sounds like a Vulcan on Star Trek." Jenna pondered its meaning for a few minutes as I finally discovered the rest of my desired but elusive items. I stood up and handed her the issues... she simply turned around and said "What does that mean?!" as she pointed at the poster.

"Oh, that... it's Sega's new slogan, 'Welcome to the Next Level.' Why do you ask?" She just stared at me for a second, then ran screaming from the room. I shrugged and sat down to finish my game of Street Fighter II.

You've probably seen the ads in GamePro for Blockbuster Video and all the little features they have, like the top ten rentals and contests with the Florida Marlins and stuff like that. I don't know about the rest of you, but I hate Blockbuster Video (or as I like to call them, Lackluster Video).

Let me tell you why. Luckluster is big-ass corporation (oh, aren't we so punk) that moves next to Mom and Pop video stores and runs them out of business. Now they're forming an alliance with Virgin to create audio/video superstores to run the Music Wherehouse chain out of business. As if that weren't enough, I recently found out that the owner of Lackluster's parent company supports and contributes to anti-abortion and anti-choice legislation and organizations.

Sy Sperling, that "not only the president but also a snazzy dresser" spokesman for the Hair Club For Men is also a lying motherfucker.

Okay, here's my case. On every commercial they show a picture of a guy without hair, presumably some time earlier, and then later, in the SAME outfit- with hair. MY problem? These commercials have been running for years, and every time they show Sy (or one of his soldiers of the balding army) without and then with hair, they're shown in an IDENTICAL suit, but not the ones they wore in the last commercial.

Are we to believe that every time the Hair Club produces a commercial, they fly their clients in, dress them in new outfits, shave their heads and take a picture; then wait a few months for the plugs to set in, dress them up in the same friggin' outfit, and take a NEW picture?! Or do they just do like a hundred photo shoots in 1985 and disperse them throughout the years? Bullshit, Sy! Besides, the poses in the before and after frames are IDENTICAL, with no perceivable change. I won't mention the fact that even the wrinkles in the clothing show no differentiation between the two pictures. It's obvious that either some tricky computer graphic manipulation is behind this, or the aliens.