Pokemon: Stronger Than God
By: Panama Floyd

 This satirical rant is a reaction to:

 http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/middle_east/newsid_1249000/1249820.stm

 Obligatory disclaimer: If you aren't an "anime" fan, or don't have
 children...you probably won't have *any* idea what on Earth I'm saying.

 Normally, I hate "fan-fic" stuff, but in *this* case, I just can't help
 m'self!...<g>
 Act I..

 Scene: The Persian Gulf. Ash, Misty, Brock & Pikachu are riding Lapras' back, 
as they make yet another landfall. They reach the beach, in a strange land 
called "Saudi Arabia".

 Ash: "Lapras, great job! You've earned a rest."
 <zaps Lapras into Pokeball>"See?, I *told* you I'd find a place to land!"
 Misty: "Yeah, no problem. There's a lot of land around the water `round here.."
 Ash: "Hey! What's your problem?"
 Misty: "My `problem' is that there's some very strange people running this 
way!"
 Ash: "Argh..um...hey, maybe they're just some of the local Pokemon trainers!"
 Brock: "Ash, I don't think so. My dad took me to this place, once. This is the 
Brown League. They don't treat their Pokemon very well, and do *very* strange 
things when they meet Pokemon trainers who do.
 Ash: "I don't care! I just want to battle their Gym Leader, and earn a badge!"
 Pikachu: "PIKA!!"
 Misty: "I don't like the way they look at me.."
 <Togepi retreats into it's eggshell>

 1st Saudi Thug: "You there! You train Pokemon?"
 Ash: "Yes, I do. Do you want to battle?"
 1st Saudi Thug: "No! We wish to give `proper' clothing to your female 
companion!"
 Misty: "Oh, fuck. I'm screwed."
 Brock: "Misty, you'll be OK...just wear the clothes they give you, and be 
quiet! These folks enjoy screwing teenagers, but they might leave you alone if 
you just shut up!"
 Misty: "But why should I-"
 2nd Saudi Thug: "Hey, you little Japanese bitch...you gonna fuck me?"
 Brock: "See what I mean-I *told* you I've seen these people before!"
 Misty: "OK, Brock...I think I know what you mean."
 <Misty dons the Hijab, in order to keep from being raped..>

 Ash: "I wannna battle!"
 Saudi Thug #1: "We have only *one* trainer here, and if you don't beat him, you 
will not be allowed to live!"
 Ash: "That's a little `severe', isn't it?"
 Saudi Thug #2: "All is severe. That's why we sever things. Are you up to the 
challenge?"
 Ash: "Yes!

 Act II..a dirty, seldom used Pokemon Stadium in Ad-Dammam...

 Misty: "..`Damn-mam'. How *appropriate*."
 Brock: "Misty, PLEASE be quiet! These people are idiots! They'll kill you for 
making a joke like that!"
 Misty: "I doubt that...you're just tired of holding Togepi!"
 Saudi Woman #1: "You go, girl!
 <Saudi Woman #1 arrested, raped, and killed by Saudi Thug #2>
 Brock: "See?"
 Misty: "Um...uh...I have nothing to say."

 PA Announcer: "Here we go!...The *last* battle that will ever happen within our 
country! Place your bets now! At the West End, we have Allah! Our one and only 
`true' god! At the East End, we have the young infidel Ash Catchem!" This is a 
three Pokemon battle!
 <Allah & Ash dig their feet into the dirt, in the usual anime style..>

 Referee: "Now boys, I want a good, clean fight. Nothing below the belt, and 
nothing that would give PETA a reason to think we're mistreating these animals!"

 Allah: "Fear, I choose you!"
 <Pokeball zap, as the creature comes out>
 Ash: "Hmm..Fear's a strong thing, but I think I have the answer! Squirtle, I 
choose you!
 <another Pokeball zap>

 Allah: "Fear, Panic attack!"
 Fear: "Y'know, without `god', your life is worthless..."
 Squirtle: "Squirtle! Squirt!"
 Ash:"Squirtle, Urine attack!"
 Fear: "Ugh...ack!...arrrggghhh!"
 Ash: "HAHAHA! He pissed on you because you pissed him off! You tried to use 
`Fear', and now you're `all wet'!"

 Referee: "Fear is unable to continue! Sqirtle wins!"

 Misty: "Way to go! The sooner you beat him, the sooner I can climb out of this 
tent they call clothing!"
 Brock: "Quiet! Don't you know that these people consider a girl as "property", 
rather than "human"??

 Allah: "Shit. Fear, return!"
 <"incoming" Pokeball zap>
 Ash: "Squirtle, return! You've done a good job, and you deserve a rest."
 <another "incoming" Pokeball zap>

 Allah: "Ignorance, I choose *you*!"
 <"outgoing Pokeball zap>
 Ash: "Ignorance? Which one is *that*?"
 <ask opens Pokedex>
 Pokedex: "Ignorance. Evolved form of `Stupidity'. Has actually 
overheard/considered different ways of thinking, but ignores them.
 Ash: "I'll use Charizard. Flames might work against Ignorance. Charizard, I 
choose *you*!"

 Allah: "Ignorance, Circular Logic attack!"
 Ignorance: " I know my book's true because my book says so!"
 Ash: "Charizard, Flamethrower!"
 Charizard: "Char! Char! Chariiizarrd!!!!!!"
 <subtitled..."you fucking idiot..", followed by a great font of fire>
 Allah: "That `burns me up'.."

 Referee: "Ignorance is unable to continue..Charizard wins!"

 Brock: "Yes! Ash is learning how to battle!"
 Misty: "Yeah, but I thin-"
 Brock <slapping hand over Misty's mouth>: "don't speak, and don't think! Most 
members of the Brown League will kill you for that! Save it for the next time 
we're lost in the woods back home!

 Allah: "Last gasp, I suppose..gotta bring out my best one. Muhammad, I choose 
you!"
 Ash: "Charizard, return! You've done well, but I need something stronger to 
fight this one!"

 Pikachu: "Pi-ka-chu! Pika! Chu, Chu, Chu!"
 Ash: "What's that? You say you can beat Muhammad?
 Picachu: "PIKA!!"
 Ash: "OK, ol' buddy. I choose you."

 Allah: "Muhmamad, Lie attack!"

 Muhammad: "Of course, you should know that Islam is `scientific'.."
 Pikachu: "Pi-ka. Chu, chu, chu-pi chu. Pika! Pii-kaa-CHU".
 <subtitles: "Yeah, right. Explain the `science' involved that defines *my* 
existence! I'm supposed to be an electrically charged member of the rodent 
family, and your moronic followers haven't discovered that since I'm a 
mythological creature, I pose no threat to them. Have fun, idiot.">

 Muhammad: "Well, you exist because Allah says so.
 Pikachu: "Chu."
 <subtitle: "Bullshit.">

 Allah: "Muhammad, Populace attack!"
 Muhammad: " Y'know....millions of people think my trainer exists, and would do 
*anything* for him.
 Ash: "Oooh...I *really* hate that one! Pikachu, Thundershock!"

 Pikachu: "Pika, pikachu. Pi. Chu, pika. Pi-ka-chu. Pi-KAH-Chu! Pika? Pikachu.

 PIKACHU!!
 Chu, chu-CHU!"
 <subtitles: "..yeah, but so what. "Millions of people" also think I exist, and 
would do anything for *me*. Often, we call them "children", and I love `em, 
since they're the only reason I exist. I'm insulted when you compare me to your 
"god", idiot. At least children grow up! It's not my fault that you're so 
"shocked" by how "popular" I am. >


 Muhammad: "Y'know, Pikachu...you've got a `point' there.."

 Referee: "..Muhammad is unable to continue-Pikachu wins! Three falls to 
none...Ash wins the battle!.."

 Ash: "Alright! I've earned an Oil Badge!"

 Brock: "I should have known how dangerous this place is, when I saw that Nurse 
Joy & Officer Jenny abandoned this town to such barbaric idiots."
 Misty: "I thin-"
 <Brock covers Misty's mouth again>
 Brock: "Promise me you won't think until we're back at sea! Even with Ash's Oil 
Badge, it's going to be tough getting out of here. Many of these people just 
can't admit that they've been beaten! They are the practical definition of `sore 
losers'!"

 Ash: "That `Allah' guy was a good trainer, but I still found a way to beat him. 
He never considered that some folks would like to find their *own* ways of 
training.
 Pikachu: "Pi-KAAA!"
 <Picachu flashes "victory sign" with two of his four little fingers...>

 The End.

BTW: My apologies if you already know this, but "Ad-Dammam" *is* a real place! 
It's a Saudi town on the coast of the Persian Gulf. I had started writing this 
satirical fan-fic as an expression of disgust, and almost decided not to send 
it!-until I searched the `net for "saudi arabia map", and found:

http://www.theodora.com/maps/saudi_arabia_map.html

After seeing a town called "Dammam", I just couldn't resist finishing & posting 
the dang thing. <g>