The Fight of the Century! MST style! by: M. H. Torringjan I don't own MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch, I'm just using the characters in this fic. I also don't own MST3K. I'm only using them as well. "Welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch! I'm Nick Diamond and this is Johnny Gomez! Tonight, we're going to be seeing a special episode of Celebrity Deathmatch, themed around one television series! What series is it, you may ask? Well, it's a little, low-budget show from the Sci-fi channel, Mystery Science Theatre 3000! The matches for tonight will be including Crow T. Robot versus Tom Servo, Michelle Thomden and Dr. Clayton Forrester, TV's Frank and Professor Bobo, and finally, the main event, Mike Nelson versus Joel Hodgeson! What's your take on these matches, Johnny?" "Well, Nick, I think that the matches will be good battles between some evenly-matched contenders," Johnny says over the roar of the crowd, "Except for perhaps the Dr. Forrester/Michelle battle. Michelle obviously has the strength advantage, but Dr. Forrester is more evil! I don't know what to expect from him!" "We'll just have to see how everything ends up after the first matches!" Nick says. "And don't forget, tonight, we're being sponsored by Hamdingers International! They've got the best Hamdingers around!" "What is a 'Hamdinger', anyway?" Johnny asks. "Well, I'll have to answer that after the first match, which is about to start!" Nick says. "And here's the first of our contenders! Mister Tom Servo has entered the ring, ladies and gentlemen! Servo is working out of the red corner tonight. Any surprise there? And in the blue corner, we have Mister Crow T. Robot!" "This should be a good fight, Nick. These two have been stuck up in that Satellite for ten years now, and they'll probably have some aggressions to work out!" "Our special referee for the night, Mister Ortega, approaches the two to give them the rules," Nick says. Ortega gets the two in the center of the ring and mumbles something about a clean fight. The two return to their corners, and the bell rings. The two run towards each other, swinging their arms (as best as is possible), and only succeeding in hitting each other's arms. "Well, the two seem to be getting off to a slow start," Johnny says. "They're trying to hit each other, but aren't succeeding at much. I think that these blows are hurting themselves more than the other bot!" Just then, the little red top on the top of Tom's dome flips up. A small red ball pops out and flies toward Crow. Crow stands there, and watches the ball, puzzled by it. The instant that it lands, it explodes, throwing Crow onto the ropes. His arm is blown off in the explosion. "Oh! And Servo starts throwing cherry bombs!" Nick says. "Crow is really taking a beating!" Tom continues throwing bombs at Crow, which Crow starts dodging as soon as he sees them coming. "You know, if Crow doesn't do something soon, then he'll get massacred!" Johnny says. Then, Crow stops running around and stands in the path of a bomb. At the last minute, he ducks down and uses his basket to reflect the bombs back at Tom. "It seems that Tom's strategy needs to change again!" Johnny says. "Crow has figured it out, and is sending the bombs right back at Tom as quickly as Tom can churn them out!" After the last bomb has been reflected, Tom backs up a couple of feet. He then turns horizontal and aims himself towards Crow. "I think that we all know what's coming now!" Nick exclaims. "Tom's getting into position for his patented head-butt technique, first displayed in 'Artemis's Lover'!" As Tom starts speeding up, Crow moves out of Tom's path, sending Tom careening into the corner post. Tom gets back up with his dome broken into pieces. "Apparently, Crow saw it coming, too!" Johnny exclaims. "And he has left Tom sightless, to boot!" "Uuum... Tom never had any eyes, so how could he be able to see in the first place?" Nick asks, with his hand over the microphone. Johnny puts his hand over his own microphone. "It's one of those weird things about the show," Johnny says. "I'm surprised that no one has asked yet." The two turn their attention back to the match, only to see that they've missed Tom losing his arms. They get the whole story, though, by seeing the arms in Crow's mouth. "Apparently, Crow pulled a Charles Manson while we weren't watching!" Johnny says sheepishly. At that very moment, Tom turns horizontal again, as if to try the head- butt again. Instead, he turns away from Crow. He turns his fans on full blast, blowing Crow out of the ring and into the third row of seats. "And Crow is out of the ring! That's gotta be a *blow* to his ego!" Johnny says. He is then pelted by trash from the spectators below the tower. Crow gets back in the ring, and is greeted by one of Tom's head-butts, which cuts Crow's body metal because of the jagged glass left behind by the dome. Oil begins to leak onto the ground, but slightly. Tom rams into Crow a couple of more times, breaking Crow into pieces. Ortega goes into the middle of the ring, where he meets Tom. "And the first match of the night has been won by Tom Servo, ladies and gentlemen! A beautiful victory for everyone's favorite gumball machine!" Johnny exclaims. Tom is lead out of the ring, and janitors rush in to clean up the remains of Crow. "We'll be back with our next battle of the night, plus some interviews with some familiar faces in the crowd tonight, after these commercials," Nick says. "And don't forget! If you're looking for Hamdingers, then Hamdingers Inernational is your place!" "What the Hell is a Hamdinger?" Johnny asks. "Welcome back to tonight's special Mystery Science Theatre 3000 Celebrity Deathmatch!" Nick Diamond says upon the return to the show. "Right now, we have Johnny gomez down in the crowd, interviewing some of the big names observing the fight while the janitors are still cleaning up the ring from the first fight! Who have you got right now, Johnny?" On the ground, Johnny is standing in the front row of seats, beside Gypsy. "Well, Nick, right now, I have with me Miss Gypsy. She has worked on the Satellite with the two contenders who just founght, and the two in the main event, and even Michelle!" Johnny says over the roar of the crowd, who are holding up signs with various sayings on them, like "Join us, won't you?" and "What do you want from him? HE'S EVIL! EVIL!!!" "What is your take on the fights tonight? Who do you choose to win?" Johnny asks. "Well," Gypsy begins cautiously. "I think that Tom was definitely the better man in the first battle. In Michelle's battle, I think that, against my own heart, Dr. F will win. He is evil, after all. He'll do anything to win. Besides that, he's had lots of experience in the killing people." "So, you're abandoning your own friend?" Johnny asks, slightly confused. "Oh, no! Never! I'll still cheer her on, it's just that I don't think that she has much of a chance," Gypsy says defensively. "So, I don't have a chance!" Michelle yells from inside the ring. She then jumps out of the ring and charges Gypsy. Johnny jumps out of the way and simultaneously calls security. Within a few seconds, the security officers are separating the two and are putting Michelle back in the ring. "Well, that was entertaining, wasn't it?" Johnny says into the microphone as he moves to find his next interview. "While I'm searching for someone else, back to you, Nick." "Well, it looks like the two fighters are getting into their corners and are preparing for the battle," Nick says. "Forrester and Michelle are both getting advice from their corner people. Forrester has Torgo, and Michelle has Usagi Tsukino. Let's listen in, shall we?" In Forrester's corner, he's listening to Torgo give him some pointers. "ThE mAsTeR wIlL bE pLeAsEd If YoU cAn GeT iN a LeFt HoOk," Torgo says, demonstratively swinging his walking stick. "I'lL gEt A pRoMoTiOn If He WiNs ThIs FiGhT," Torgo thinks to himself. We can hear that via the Mental Cam installed in every room in the stadium. In Michelle's corner, Usagi is doing about the same thing, her own way. "What you need to do is to get Jupiter to shock him, then get Mercury to make some mist. After that, get Mars to freeze him with a Fireball Charge. Then, you can finish him off with your Moon Wand," Usagi says. "Uuuhh... Usagi, I don't have any of that," Michelle says nervously. "You don't? Well, then you're screwed!" Usagi says darkly. "The confidence in this corner is just enough to warm one's heart," Michelle says sarcastically. "Well, I think that the general consensus is that Dr. Forrester will be triumphant tonight," Nick says. "And the two fighters are approaching the center of the ring! Referee Ortega is approaching the two to give them the starting rules. Before he starts, though, Forrester draws him away. "Okay, Ortega, we're pals, right?" Forrester says. Ortega grunts a short response. "How about this?" Forrester reaches into his pocket and shows it to Ortega. Ortega mumbles out a small admonishment and takes the cash anyway. He stuffs it into his pocket and the two turn back to Michelle. In the crowd, you can hear some boos from various sources and a few signs saying, "Forrester 3:16". Ortega mumbles something about a clean fight and sends the two back to their corners. The bell rings, signaling the begin of the fight. At that moment, Johnny gets back into the tower. "Any more interviews?" Nick asks quickly. "I got them on tape. I wanted to get back in time for the fight!" Johnny says. Back in the ring, the two have been circling the ring, waiting for the other to make the first move. Finally, Michelle rushes Forrester and gets in a couple of good blows to the face. "That's for 'Lita's Adventure'!" Michelle exclaims. "That one's for 'Chibi-Usa Loses Her Virginity'! That's for 'Evening at Lita's'! That one's for 'A Christmas Night'! That one's for 'Artemis'!" "She's hitting Forrester and naming a lemon for each hit!" Johnny exclaims. "This may take a while..." Michelle continues pummeling Forrester and keeps naming lemons. Finally, after about three minutes of this, she pauses because she has run out of Lemons that she has read. Forrester's glasses are broken from the punches. Forrester takes the opportunity to punch her hard in the face and kick her knee out. Michelle falls down and Forrester takes out a scalpel "How about a quick dissection?" Forrester asks. He stabs down hard, but only hits Michelle's arm. "And Michelle makes a genius-ly executed dodge!" Nick exclaims. "Remember that if she hadn't moved, she'd be breathing through her neck right about now!" "How Forrester is remaining standing after that pummeling he took earlier, though, is anybody's guess!" Johnny says. "Forrester seems to be reeling slightly. It seems that the payoff won't be enough to save him this time! Michelle's seriously pissed off!" In the ring, Michelle is thinking of what to do to Forrester this time. While she isn't looking, Forrester runs over to the side of the ring and grabs Torgo's staff. He runs back over to Michelle and gets her attention. He hypnotizes her with the stick and grabs her hand. He touches her hand to the staff, and it comes off with a flash of pyro-technics. She runs around the ring, screaming half in pain, half in anger. When she comes back to Forrester, she kicks him in the store. Then, she lets him fall to the ground. "It's a classic groin-buster move! I doubt that he'll ever be talking the same, if he survives the fight! Not since Sailor Moon versus Nephlite!" Nick exclaims. He notices that Johnny has a pained look on his face and has his legs crossed. "You okay, Johnny?" Johnny just whimpers softly. As Forrester lies on the ground in pain, Michelle walks over and looks down at him. "I'm sorry that it has to end with me killing someone, but I must for the good of all mankind," Michelle says. With that apology, she begins kicking Forrester in the temple. After about five kicks, Forrester has stopped breathing. Ortega walks into the ring and holds up Michelle's hand. He utters something about the winner and escorts Michelle off the ring, counting his money. "Nick, it's been a while since I've seen the under-dog coming out from behind to win!" Johnny says. "What show have you been watching?" Nick asks. "Well, it all turned in Michelle's favor with the crippling blow just before the end." A clip of Michelle's move rolls on the screen. The frame freezes just as Michelle's foot connects. "See how she took the opportunity of his gloating over her losing her hand to turn his words back in his face? A classic come-from behind move!" "Well, it's time for another commercial break," Johnny says. "And remember, tonight's Celebrity Deahmatch is brought to you by Hamdingers International! Looking for some good Hamdingers? Go to the nearest Hamdingers International store!" "Dammit! What is a God-damned Hamdinger?!?!" Nick asks hysterically. "Well, we're back, and it's time to view some of those celebrity interviews from earlier," Johnny says. The screen changes to Nick down in the front row, standing with Nav. "So, Nav," Nick says, "What brings you here to observe this matchup tonight?" "I've always been a fan of Deathmatch," Nav explains. "I never miss a match! I figured that I'd just get some front row seats for tonight's match, since it was so close to home." "So, what are your opinions on tonight's fights?" Nick asks. "I think that the matches should be good," Nav says. "The Servo versus Crow was a good match. I especially liked the tactic of bringing cherry bombs. Easily concealed, fun to play with." "What's your opinion of the Forrester versus Michelle match," asks Nick. "It seems to be that mostly everyone thinks that Forrester will win." "I'm going to have to go with that," Nav says, "because Forrester's obviously the stronger of the two. Sure, I'd like Michelle to win, it's just that she probably won't." "Well, it's just about time for the next match," the real Nick says. "So, let's go down to the ring for Bobo versus Frank." In the ring, Frank and Bobo are climbing into the ring, ready to fight. "Well, it may not be the fourth wall, but we're breaking something here," Nick states. "Let's see what each of our contenders are thinking, via the Mental Cam!" "Let's see here," Bobo is thinking, "It's Who is on first, What's on second, Idunnow's on third..." "My, but he is keeping his mind on the match, isn't he?" Nick says sarcastically. "Let's switch over to Frank." "Then, Nav'll shoot Bobo up, and he and I'll be best friends," Frank thinks in a sing-songy voice. "And I'll go on the run with him, and then I'll help Mike and the bots down, and Michelle will want to go out with me..." "Can we all say, 'In his dreams?'" Nick says. "And, now it's time for the Battle of the Side-Kicks!" Ortega enters the ring, still counting money, and draws the two into the middle of the ring. He mumbles something about a clean fight and puts them back in their corners. The bell rings and the two start to get their minds on the fight. The first move is when Bobo and Frank going to the center of the ring and sparring off. They throw punches at each other, all of which are blocked. Then, Bobo gets tired of this futile activity and pulls a banana out of wherever it was and starts swinging it at Frank. "Oh, scary!" Frank exclaims sarcastically. Then, the banana actually hits him. he gets blown back to the ropes. "Yeah, you didn't expect a jack, did you?" Bobo asks. "Bobo has snuck a Jack into the ring!" Johnny exclaims. "And he is hitting Frank with it like nobody's business!" Suddenly, Bobo stops and backs away. "What am I doing?" Bobo asks himself. "Well, you're pummeling me to death," Frank replies. "It was a rhetorical question," Bobo explains. "Why are we fighting? Can't we just say that we're equally matched and have it end?" "Yeah!" Frank exclaims. The two rush towards each other and give each other a hug. "Forgive me?" Frank asks. "Yeah. Forgive me?" Bobo asks. Frank nods. Just as the two are walking off the ring, two shots ring out. Frank and Bobo fall down, dead. The camera pans around to where Nav is standing at one of the back doors in full sniper attire. He has a gun in one hand and some snacks in his other hand. "Oh, my God!" Johnny exclaims. "It seems that Nav has just ended the match abruptly with two shots from his handy-dandy .45!" Ortega rushes into the ring and declares a tie. The two contenders are escorted off the canvas as Nick makes his way to Nav for some words. "Nav, you have just pulled a Marilyn Manson! Explain to us why you did it," Nick says. "Well," Nav begins, "I said that I had come here to see a good match, and I just wasn't getting it. I want some big action, and I don't think that a truce cuts the mustard!" "In short, don't fight, don't live!" Johnny says from back in the booth. "We just need some time to clean up the ring for our next match, so between then and now, a word from our sponsors." "HAMDINGERS!!!" When we come back, we get a shot of the crowd, where Nick is holding up a sign that has painted on it, "If anyone knows what a Hamdinger is, please contact me in the press booth!" "Well, we're still working on the arena," Johnny says as the camera returns to the booth. "Until we're ready, we'll roll some more of those celebrity interviews!" The screen changes to show Nick sitting with Oscar, Artemis, Felicia, Fifi, and Lola. "This is quite a menagerie we have here tonight," Nick begins. "I thought that there was a 'No pets' policy around here." "I had only heard of Oscar by name, not who he was, before then," Nick says in a voice-over. "What pets?" Oscar asks. "Those animals who are sitting beside you," Nick says. "Lemme explain something here," Oscar says, motioning for Nick to come close enough for whispering. As Oscar whispers, Nick's face turns green. When Oscar finishes, Nick stands up. "If you will excuse me, Sir Oscar," Nick says. He then rushes off to the side and up the aisle. "Right here, I lose my professionalism and puke my socks up," Nick's voice over says. "Let me fast-forward to when I return." The video fast-forwards to a couple of minutes later, when Nick casually returns to the place where he was earlier. "Well, that is interesting, Oscar," Nick says, hiding his sarcasm. "And for how long have you been like that?" "Look, do you have any real questions?" Oscar asks. "Sorry, yes, I do. What opinion do you have of tonight's match-ups?" Nick asks. "I think that the Servo and Crow match was fought poorly. There were no baseball bats involved! I was inclined to yell out 'Boomshakalaka!' a couple of times! Stuff today needs more of that! I have a vision, and in that vision, there are more people admitting that they have bestial fetishes, carrying around baseball bats, and spelling badly! I know how to carry out that plan, as well!" Oscar rants. "Well, what are your opinions on the future matches?" Nick asks. "I see Forrester beating Michelle easily. No contest! Frank should kick Bobo's ass! I think that Joel will kill Mike!" Oscar exclaims. "And I see Frank using a bat, and Michelle exclaiming 'Boomshakalaka!', and Joel admitting that he has a fetish involving Bobo!" Artemis motions Nick closer to her. "He's gone mad! Ever since Megane got ahold of 'Artemis's Lover', he's been a little on the off side!" "Well, there you have it, straight from the hermaphrodite's mouth!" Nick exclaims. The tape ends and the camera shifts back to the box, where Johnny and Nick wait for the next battle, which is about to begin. "And, it seems that we are ready for the Main Event, the Battle Between Hosts!" Johnny exclaims as the camera shifts to the ring. "Tonight's battlers are rivals who battle to see who the better Host is! Joel, the first host, was the person who created the bots, did most of the inventions, and has faced such adversaries as 'Manos:The Hands of Fate', 'Monster a Go-Go', 'Artemis's Lover', and 'A Ranma Fanfic'. That's a pretty lengthy repertoire!" "Mike Nelson has been on the Satellite since the movie, 'The Brain that Wouldn't Die'," Nick says. "He destroyed a couple of planets, did a few inventions, and faced such movies as 'Hobgoblins', 'Invasion of the Neptune Men', 'The Beast of Yucca Flats', and others that I shan't mention because of legal reasons. I mean, sure, he did watch *beep* and *beep*, but if we even mentioned features like *beep*, we'd get the bejeebers sued out of us! If the makers of such fics as *beep* or *beep* or *beep* would just let us use the names, we'd all be a bit happier! But I digress..." In the ring, Ortega has briefed the two contenders and has sent them back to their corners. The bell rings, and the two rush towards each other. Mike throws a punch and hits Joel in the face. Joel in turn punches Mike in the face. After that, Mike goes and grabs something from outside of the ring. It's his penguin, Pen-pen! "What's that?" Nick asks. "It's his little stuffed penguin from the MSTing of 'Artemis'," Johnny explains. "Don't you read any of those? If that thing ruptured the hull of the Satellite, then it should do some major damage to Joel!" "It doesn't seem that Joel suspects a thing," Nick says. "He thinks that it's just a stuffed penguin!" Joel begins to laugh at Mike, who swings Pen-pen at Joel. Joel gets knocked back into the ropes, and is bounced back to where he originally was. Mike pummels him some more with Pen-pen. After a while, Joel finally manages to catch onto the ropes and reach outside of the ring again. He brings in a grill- looking thing. He picks up some paper and throws it in the top. "What's that?" Nick asks again. "It's the Andrew-Lloyd Weber Grill! Joel's creating a smoke-screen so that he can attack Mike without any problems!" Johnny exclaims. In the ring, the smoke is floating all around, getting in everyone's eyes, except for Joel, who came equipped with protective gear. He rushes toward Mike's back and punches it in that one place that you can't touch. He then ducks as Mike swings Pen-pen. Joel hits Mike again, harder, and dodges Pen-pen a second time. Then, Mike gives up and starts running away. Joel sees that Mike is doing something, but he can't make it out. Soon, the smoke starts to clear, and everyone sees Mike standing in the center of the ring, dressed in a new fashion. He looks like Sigourney Weaver in 'Alien 3', complete with breasts and shaved head. He pulls a very large gun out from behind his back and points it straight at a paralyzed Joel. "It seems that Mike has taken advantage of the smoke screen to perform some action of his own!" Johnny says. "It's very rare that I fear for the sanity of our competitors, but I believe that this is one of those times!" Nick exclaims. "Kinda' sad, if you ask me," Johnny says. Back in the ring, Mike is aiming his gun and firing at the moving target that is Joel. After a while, Joel tires and doesn't move quite quickly enough. Joel is hit in the leg, dropping him to the ground. Mike aims the gun and exclaims, "Danger, Joel Robinson! Danger, Joel Robinson!" Mike fires a couple of shots in Joel's head, ending the match quickly and efficiently. "It seems that Mike has a bit of a compassionate side," Johnny says. "Emphasis in the word, 'bit'," Nick says. "Well, Ortega has the match under control now, and thank goodness for that. Thank you for joining us tonight for Celebrity Deathmatch! I hope that you join us next week, when we have on the program the bands Counting Crows, Sheryl Crow with her band, and Black Crows on the show, trying to decide who has the right to be called Crow!" "Until then," Johnny says, "This is Johnny Diamond and Nick Diamond saying, good fight, good night!" Just then, the phone rings. Johnny picks up. "Yes...? It is...? Thank you!" Johnny puts the reciever down. "That was a viewer, calling in to tell me what a hamdinger was." "Well, what was it?" Nick asks. "Well, a hamdinger is-" Roll end credits Post fic memos here. I don't own any of the random anime series, people, or products mentioned here. I don't own MST3K either. Best Brains does. I don't own MTV's Deathmatch. MTV does. I did, however, make up Michelle. No, that didn't have any influence on the outcome. It was decided by random choice. Michelle just was being a big bitch tonight. If anyone has been offended by this fic in some strange way, I apologize, and if you'll just get over it, everyone else will be a lot happier. Thanks for reading! By the way, yes, I have been watching the Summer Blockbuster Review too much. M. H. Torringjan >She runs around the ring, screaming half in pain, half in anger. When she comes back to >Forrester, she kicks him in the store. Keep circulating the fanfics!