Artemis A Sailor Moon Meta-MSTing Original story by: Strike Fiss Original MSTing by: John Felix Meta-MSTing by: M. H. Torringjan Usual stuff here. I don't own Sailor Moon. Naoko Takeuchi does. I don't own MST3K. Best Brains does. I made Michelle up from my own mind. She's mine. The products mentioned in the course of this MSTing are the property of their owners/creators. This Meta-MSTing isn't in any way meant to insult or make fun of the author of the fic or MSTing. It's just C&C in some twisted sort of logic. Remember, I'm not really defending the fic, just riffing as usual. Roll season X credits Michelle woke up that morning to the sounds of construction. She wandered out of her room and onto the bridge. Mike was there with Crow and Tom. Crow and Tom were working on something. "What's going on?" she asked them. She got no response. She asked again, and got the same response. Then, she took a more forceful course of action. She yelled in Mike's ear. As she backed away, Mike reached into his ears and took out some ear plugs. "I'm sorry, what were you saying?" Mike asked. Michelle repeated her question once more. "They're building a hyperspace bypass that doesn't go through the planet," Mike replied. Just then, Tom and Crow look up from their work. "Hey, guys! Turn on your audio receptors!" Mike yelled at them, signalling to his ears. "Well, Mike, we're finished!" Tom says over the din. "What were you doing?" Michelle asks. "We were making a sign to post on the satellite for passing starships to see," Crow says. He and Tom hoist up a sign that says, "See the human guinea pigs! Only $5.00 per minute!" "Don't you think that it would have been a better idea to post a sign saying, 'Help us, we're trapped in this satellite!'?" Michelle asked. "You know, you're right," Tom says. "But gosh darn it, we only had enough paint for this sign. We can't do anything else!" Michelle sighs and buries her face in her hands. Then, the red Mad's Light starts flashing. Mike presses the button. Deep 13 "Well, guys, Frank still hasn't been found," Forrester says, "And I'm geting quite a bit worried. Well, there's no time to worry about that now. My assistant for this week will be Ranma Saotome." Ranma walks in, wearing a strange contraption on his head. "Hi, Ranma!" Everyone exclaims. "Who are they, Doctor F?" Ranma asks. "They're my experiment," Forrester explains calmly. "What have you done to him?!" Michelle asks. "Well, to prevent him from remembering you and stopping me, I've installed a harmless, unnoticable device on him that will help him to forget his whole experience on the Satellite of Love," Forrester explains. "Why do they look so familiar?" Ranma asks. "Television, perhaps?" Forrester says. "No, wait! You fought them before!" "I did? Then, they deserve what they're getting!" "Why's he acting so OOC?" Crow asks. "It's in his programming," Forrester says. "Where's Usagi?" Michelle asks. "She didn't really work out, so I thought that maybe she'd do better on a satellite," Forrester said. "Right now, she's in the middle of watching Artemis's Lover. Anyway, Let's get back to work. Your experiment for today is a bit of a surprise. It's the fic, Artemis, by Strike-Fiss, with a little bit added. Enjoy! Ranma, put the hurt on them." The lights flashed and the klaxons sounded, signalling the quick jog into the theatre. Door 6: It's a curtain of peace beads. You push them out of the way and get a whiff of marijuana smoke as you pass through. Door 5: It opens from the center, spiralling outward. Door 4: It's a castle moat. The gate falls and misses your feet by inches. Door 3: It's a wall of bone. You break it down, only to have it rebuilt by an invisible force. You decide to go around it instead. Door 2: It's in the shape of a heart. You board a small ship and ride it through the door. Door 1: It's a vault door. The center ring swirls and the door opens easily. Everyone sits down in their usual seats and prepare to riff away at the cat. "I wonder what the extra added effect is," Michelle wonders out loud. >Note from Author: > >well, after cutting the beginning short fic (i can understand why McLees >would want it cut) >i'm ready to start again, enjoy. Mike: Oh, don't tell me that Shinji had something to do with this fic! Tom: (Vader) Welcome to the Dark Side, Shinji! >MST3K is copyrighted (C) by best brains Inc. 1989-1998 (...i think) Crow: What? MST3K? That's us, right? >Sailor moon is copyrighted (C) by Toei (...again i think) and DIC. >'Artemis' is copyrighted (C) by Strike Fiss and this is purly a parody, >which i think is actually protected under law, wow! Michelle: It's going to need a good body guard when we get to it! >Msting by: >Rev. John Felix >(stubbles@gwar.net) Tom: MSTing? This MSTing wasn't written by him! It was M. H.! Michelle: Tommy, what have I told you about a little thing called the fourth wall? >[7...6...5...4...3...2...1] > >(An empty set. Suddenly, the mad's light flashes. About 5 minutes pass >before a bullhorn >sounds and mike comes out in pajama's, Crow and Tom wearing little night caps.) Crow: I thought that we had already gone through that today. >Mike: Sheesh, this better be important, why does she have to wake us up in >the middle of the night? Mike: To read a bad fic, why else? >Crow: I was having a nice dream of Oscar roasting on an open fire with a >spit impaled through him! Crow: Actually, it was waffles, but that's just as good! >(Servo is laying horozontally on the desk sleeping.) Tom: The desk's asleep? >[Castle Forrester] Michelle: Man, Dr. F's really upgraded! Mike: All this and more can be yours if the price is right! >(Pearl is the only one around, a big book in front of her, she's trying >hard not to giggle) Crow: Who's that? Mike: Don't you remember? That's Forrester's mom! She came to visit when we watched Blood Lust. >Pearl: Nelson, I know its really late but hey, I'M EVIL! Tom: Like mother, like son, think about it, won't you? >Anyways, I've just >found two horrible stories that should easily break you down into sniveling >cowards in my presence! Michelle: oh, no! It's the scripts of the Magic Hour? >Simply just sit back, relax, and enjoy your suprise! > >[SOL] > >Mike: You know, I dont like the sound of that. >Crow: Let's get this over with so I can dream about kim Catrall, okay? Crow: Hey! I got over her a long time ago! >(everyone runs into the theater) Mike: Hey! There hadn't been any movie sign! They're going in there for no reason! >[1...2...3...4...5...6...7] Mike: Wait, maybe they're leaving... >> _-_-Artemis-_-_ >> Tom: Hmm... Reminds me of Oscar. Hope it isn't. >ALL: >AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH >HHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Michelle: Whoah, guys! Cut back on the caffeine! >Mike: Keep calm... Keep calm... We survived the first one... Tom: Hey! Don't take the credit for Joel's work! >>Writen By Strike Fiss >>I appreciate any comments, so >>people can E-Mail me at: Crow: suckthis@badfics.com >Mike: Hey look guys, its not Oscar! >Crow: (Sniff) Hey, i heard this one was tolerable! Michelle: Well, I heard that Lost in Space was tolerable, too, but it isn't *is it*? >> >>ncrceo@ccinet.ab.ca >> >> >> > >Tom: That explains everything. >Mike: What? >Tom: He's Canadian. Crow: That was in bad taste. >Crow: ...Don't let Jamie Jeans hear that! Tom: Damn skippy I won't! >> Artemis >> >>Author's Notes: Huh, this is for fun, so let's see what happens! Thanks >>to Troy Stanton for confirming and helping this idea. Mike: Thanks for nothing! >>Also, all names are >>correct to the >>RIGHT North American Dub names. This story happens basically whenever you >>feel like it should >>happen! Michelle: How does never sound? >>Probably before Luna and Artemis have a kid. >> > >Tom: A kid... I'm not the authorty on Sailor Moon import or not, but arn't > Luna and Artemis' CATS?! Michelle: So, they're the ones who we can blame for those god-awful lemons! Tom: And that means that they can't have children *because*? Crow: Besides that, they can be changed into humans by Serena. Tom: I never knew that you were a fanboy, too! >> The night was unusually quiet for spring. > >Crow: That's as bad as "it started with an explosion" Crow: It was the Best of times, it was the worst of times... >Mike: What do you expect? The poor fool spent like 10 minutes on that >peice of junk! > >> No crickets were chirping,no early morning >>birds cheeping, the moon wasn't even annoyingly bright, and the sun was >>still one or two hours away. Despite the calm and quiet, Artemis couldn't >>get to sleep. Crow: Oscar was keeping him awake! Mike: Crow... >> He lay on his' pillow of Mina's bed, wide-eyed and awake. Michelle: That's what he gets for drinking ten cans of Jolt before bed time! >Tom: (Artemis) ...That wasn't oscar was it? Mina, I heard a sound! Tom: (Mina) No, it was just Amy coming for the lesbian sex scene! Mike: ... >> His mind was racing on why >>he was awake, but he couldn't pin it down. Then he realized he was >>concerned. Mina hadn't returned from the concert yet, and it was 3 AM. > >Mike: Well, maybe she was fed to the world maggot. Mike: My, but that *was* obscure, wasn't it? >> Eventually, the front door opened downstairs, and he heard the >>recognizable giggles of >> Mina as she snuck upstairs. >>The door to her room opened, and Artemis >>pretended to be asleep. >> Mina closed the door behind her and went over to her bed. "Artemis?" >>she whispered softly. Tom: (Mina) It's time to go visit the vet! I want to make sure that when we make love, we don't make a mistake! Michelle: Tom! >> Artemis pretended to wake up, his eyes glowing in the dark. "Oh, hi >>Mina. Didn't here you >> come in." > >Tom: ...As apposed to *HEAR*ing Mina walk in. Crow: No, as opposed to *there*ing her walk in. >> She smiled. "Well, sorry to wake you, go back to sleep." >> Artemis pretended to comply. A few seconds later, he heard Mina >>undressing. Artemis's mind went into overdrive. Mike: Yeah, he could finally figure out what two plus two was. >>"Great," he thought >>"it's spring, too." > >Crow: Artemis HEARD her undressing? What, did she go to a pantera show?! >Mike: That studded leather is heavy! Mike: Oh, that's not my line. Sorry, Crow. Crow: That's not mine, either. Sorry, Tommmy. >> After all, what could you do if you were roommates with an attractive >>member of the opposite sex, but you were a cat?!? Tom: I'd spend all of my time trying to get all the free peeks as was possible! Up the dress, in the shower... Crow: Dressing in the morning, her *usual morning* routine... Mike: They get the point, guys. >>Mina slid into the >>covers before her >>small white companion was tempted to look. Artemis let out a sigh, and >>went to sleep as Mina >>curled up around him affectionately like he was a stuffed animal. Michelle: (Artemis) Stop... squeezing... so hard! Can't... breathe! >> "This is going to be a LONG spring..." he thought. Tom: (singing) ...and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last... >Tom: So all cats go into heat only in Spring? Crow: No, just that this one does. >> Around eight in the morning, Artemis got up and left the house before >>Mina woke up. He needed to take a walk and clear his head. Unfortunately, >>Luna caught >>up to him. "Soooo, lazybones." she greeted' him. "I see you finally got >>out of bed!" Tom: (Artemis) Sorry, it's just that someone drugged me, and now I feel all sticky and tired. >> They were in an alley, so it was safe to talk. "Mina was out late >>last night, and I wanted to make sure she got home okay." he explained. >> Luna blinked. "Are you feeling okay, Artemis? You haven't once made >>a snide remark or joke at me today!" Michelle: (Artemis) That's my usual routine? Mike: (Artemis) Actually, I prefer coming on to you. Crow: Shjouldn't that be *into*? Michelle: (slaps Crow) >> Artemis just passed her with a sour look Tom: Well, they did say that this was a *lemon* >>on is face and went on. >>Luna sat there, puzzled. > >Mike: (Luna) Damn Rubix cube! i have a good mind just to remove all your >stickers! >Tom: (Monotone) Funny, mike Crow: Not really. Tom: Didn't you notice the sacasm in my tone, just dripping with sarcasm! Mike: Drop it, Tom... >> Suddenly, she heard an alley cat. "Oh no. I better get outta >>here..." she said to herself,>running off before she had a repeat of the time a hundred >>or so alley cats tried to waste her, just because she talked. Michelle: ...like Urkel. Mike: (Urkel) Hi, Laura! Got any cheese? Rest: (Laugh hysterically) >> >> Artemis was too busy thinking to notice the five or so other cats >>following behind him. "What am I going to do?" he finally asked himself, >>trying to get Mina out of his mind. "Paris was hard enough, what about now?" Crow: Shouldn't there be an "I" in there somewhere? Mike: Calm down, Crow. >> For those less educated in the ways of Sailor Moon, > >Crow: (Strike Fiss) You're stupid I hate you and you need to go get some >videos RIGHT NOW! Tom: Finally, I agree with something that he's said! >>Artemis and Mina used to fight alone >>under the name of Sailor V' before they joined up with the other Sailor >>Scouts and Luna. They did much of their fighting in Paris, France. >> One day, they had decided to take a train through the country side, >>just for fun. Actually, Artemis had been against it, saying they should >>have been hunting down the >>Negaverse. Michelle: (Mina, as Fudd) Be vewy, vewy quiet! We'we hunting youma! >>Mina eventually had to drag him onto the train in a backpack. > >Tom: 'Gremlins' comes to mind. Mike: Sure, if Artemis gives birth whenever he gets wet. Crow: That would make the lemon scene awkward, wouldn't it? >> "I thought you said we were picking up some tuna!" He gasped, poking >>his head out from the unzipped sack. >> Mina was looking out the window. "Oh, Artemis! You have to learn to >>relax! Tom: (Mina) Otherwise, I won't be able to get my mojo working! >>Besides, I got you some tuna anyway." >Crow: (Mina) It's under my skirt! why not go down there and-- >Mike: Hold it right there, buddy... Michelle: Thank you, Mike. Mike: Any time! >> Her feline friend looked around to see they were in a private >>quarters. "Oh, and how much did this cost? Remember, we eventually have >>to get back to Japan. >>That costs money." hegrowled, looking for the cans of tuna she promised. >> She shrugged. "Don't worry. I got a discount because I'm a teenager." >> Artemis found the cans and sat them on the table, munching quietly. Tom: (Artemis) Man, this tuna must be stale! Mike: (Mina) You forgot to open it, you idiot! >>The view was pretty amazing out the window, and he decided to enjoy it >>while it lasted. >>The bullet trains > >Tom: ...To Heck >Crow: No tiny toons refrences please. i'm still getting over 'oscar toon'. Michelle: At least four seasons later, and he still collapses whenever you mention Gogo the Dodo. Tom: What was that you were saying about the fourth wall? >>in Japan were based more on efficiency, not tourism. >> Unfortunately for Artemis, it was a very hot day. Crow: (Artemis) Let me slip out of this hot fur coat, Mina. >>Mina was in a very >>short skirt and only >>a light jacket saved her even shorter top from the cat's wide eyes. He >>ventually realized he was >>staring at Mina's panties. His eyes went wide, and he reverted back to >>his tuna. Mike: Under a full moon, Artemis turns into a can of tuna, and when he changes back, he doesn't remember a thing. >(Crow snickers) >Tom: I think crow's learning to keep quiet. Crow: And what was there to a be a hentai about there? >> "Ugh, it's hot..." Mina sighed, taking off her jacket as well. >> Artemis was surprised how large her breasts were for her age, and was >>unable to turn his Tom: ...stomach back in the correct direction after leaving a little "present" in Mina's bag. >>attention to his food. Her hair was tied back in a variation on a French >>wave, which she had just started wearing, and she looked drop-dead-gorgeous. > >(Mike slumps over slowly and promptly falls out of his seat) >Crow: Can you keep the visiual puns to a minimum, Nelson? Michelle: Good call, Mike. Even better call, Crow. >> Even for cat-standards, which for talking moon cats, were pretty much >>the same. >> So, here they were. Mina leaning provocatively toward a beautiful >>landscape, Tom: ...prepared to jump if Artemis made even the slightest movement. >>all alone >>with Artemis in a steamy, secluded train car, riding through the most >>romantic city in the world. > >Tom: (big booming voice) BEAUTIFUL RICHMOND, VA! Crow: Wasn't that where Tuxedo Chris was from? Michelle: Don't go there, Crow. No cross-over self-insertions. >>Artemis could barely breath as he pushed back her hair, giving him a >>better view of her chest. Mike: (Mina) What are you doing, Artemis, and why are you drooling? >Mike: Don't you think Mina would be a little mad with him moving her hair >out of place? Crow: Not really, if she doesn't mind being raped by Amy. Tom: Wrong fic, wrong MSTing. >> "Uh," he eventually managed. "I'm tired, Mina. Do you mind if I >>sleep in your bag?" >> Mina glanced over with a smile that almost melted him. Mike: Whoah! Cut down on the chili peppers, Mina! >>"Sure, go >>ahead, but you'll be >> missing a great view!" Tom: You don't have to remind him! >> "You're telling me..." he muttered, jumping into the dark secluded >>knapsack, away from his student. >> Mina shrugged. "Come out later, I'll brush your fur for you." >> Artemis smiled goofily. To him, that was almost as good as sex... Michelle: This cat really needs to set his priorities straight. >Crow: We're getting into some weird area here, and I want to stop moving. Crow: Darn right, me! >>but then he never considered that Mina was such a babe, and he realized he >>could very well lose control and do something stupid like try and mount >>her. Crow: That would be stupid. His legs won't fit around her. She'd think that he was trying to give her a massage! Tom: Or maybe he'd try it on the leg. Michelle: You guys are the really sick puppies!(obscure reference) >>That >>would end their friendship right then and there, > >Mike: Whew! Good call there. Mike: Wait, no one did a call! Try this... All: SOOOOOO-EEEEE!!! >> so he stayed in his knapsack for the rest of the trip. >> >> Artemis sighed, his thoughts back in the alley way. He used to try >>and convince himself that he and Luna would hit it off, but she was much >>too serious, and had >>changed sooo much from the days back on the Moon. Michelle: So, back on the Moon, she was a slut? Tom: (singing) Hey, Macarena! >>Eventually, he came to >>see that Mina was >>much more than a pupil and his responsibility. At first, he knew he loved >>her like a daughter, >Tom: Ew, He's an incest freak! Crow: No! Chibi-Usa Loses Her Virginity flashbacks! >>but now he realized it was getting deeper than that. He only hoped that >>Mina wasn't noticing. >> Suddenly, behind him, a loud meow' filled the air. He turned >>quickly to face five mean >>looking alley cats. His eyes grew wide, then narrowed. "Get off my back, >>fur balls." he growled deeply, extending his claws. "I've had a really >>bad day." Tom: Sounds familiar... >Crow: Oh yikes, Oscar stole this bit?! >Mike: Sad, really... Crow: If you ask me, the whole fic was sad. >> The other cats started to circle him, hissing and spatting. >> Artemis knew he could drop one or two of them, but he wasn't sure >>about the other,> bigger cats, who must have thought he was a threat to their mating >>practices. Michelle: Actually, he'll probably end up as a threat to Mina's mating practices. >> "How ironic." he thought >>"I'm going to get ripped apart like any other cat, even though I'm in love >>with a human." > >Tom: ...And that's ironic HOW? Tom: I make a good point. >Crow: Peronsally.... I don't know. > >> Lita held out her hand. "Paprika, please." Mike: (Lita) Now, some whipped cream, some vinegar, some pickled pigs' feet, and chocolate-covered ants. I knew that this cooking course by Akane would pay off! >Crow: It's Paprika the Rapper! >Mike: Kick, punch, turn and chop the door! >All: Or I will fall to the floor! All: Nooo!!! Crow: It's bad enough having the commercials in your head, but now an excerpt from the actual game?! >> Rei looked through the cupboards. "Uh...we don't have any." >> Lita went wide-eyed. "Didn't I give you the shopping list?" Tom: Who, us? Mike: It wouldn't have done you any good. >> Serena smiled guiltily. "Sorry, but they had some wicked cool >>comics! And I didn't >> have enough for them, so I put back some stuff." Michelle: Now that's OOC, even for Serena. >> Lita and Rei growled. >> Luna smacked Serena upside the head with her paw. "Serena, you knew >> we were planning this dinner for a long time!" Tom: (Serena) What did you expect? I'm a dimwit! >> Rei nodded. "Yeah! Lita says she'll teach us to cook, and YOU have >>to go and mess things up for ALL of us!" > >Mike: (Ren) I'll KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL >YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU! Mike: You know, that would have been a good riff if "Rei" had been misspelled "Ren". >> Ami and Mina just sat there, trying to stay out of it as Rei and >>Serena began sticking out their tongues at each other. > >Crow: ...And the tounges immedeatly fall into the custard >Mike: Now that's obscure... >Tom: That was an ear anyways... Crow: It's so obscure that I don't even know how we came up with that line! >> Lita growled at the soup she was making and eventually chucked it >>on the floor, disgusted in not having the right ingredients. Tom: She then cleaned it up seductively with her tongue, breasts, and... other parts! Mike: Tom! >>"Serena! I >>can't teach you to cook if you don't even bring back all the ingredients!" >> Mina shrugged. "So much for that. I guess Artemis won't miss much." >> Ami looked concerned. "Where is Artemis, anyway?" > >Tom: Making out with Shampoo, why? Michelle: (Shampoo) Hey! You not Ranma! Mike: (Artemis) Yes I am, I just fell in the Spring of Drowned Cat! >> Luna walked over to them, ignoring the all-out fist fight that had >>developed. "I saw him >>in the alley on thirty second street and main. He seemed depressed, so I >>let him be." > >All: (singing) Live and let die! Tom: That would explain a lot of the things that this author is doing. Crow: How? Tom: Darned if I know. Crow: Then why'd you say it? Tom: It sounded like the right thing to say. >> Mina sighed. "He's probably mad that I came home late last night. I >>hope he's okay. >>There's a lot of alley cats around that area." Crow: (Mina) ...and if he gets killed, then we can't make hot, steamy, bestial love! Michelle: Hey! Shut up! >Crow: Brian Setzer? > >> Serena managed to craw Mike: No, not the Craw. THE CRAW!! >>out from under Rei and Lita. "Maybe he's mad >>cause Luna's dating her new loverboy, Herculese." she grinned evily before >>Lita slammed into her from behind. Mike: (Lita) I'm OOC, and I'm enjoying it! Tom: (Raye) See how fun it is to bash Serena? >> Luna frowned then turned back to Mina. "Don't worry about Artemis. >>He can take care of himself." >> >> Artemis dragged himself under a garbage bag, bleedng in three >>different places. He >>managed to fend off the other cats, but he was in so much pain, he could >>barely move. All: BOOMSHAKALAKA!!! >>He was >>safely hidden now, but he was bleeding to death. Just before he passed >>out, he couln't help but >>think back to the train in Paris. "I should have let her brush my fur..." All: Nag, nag, nag... *SMACK!* SHUT UP!!! >Tom: This is when Oscar shows up... >(Tom hovers towards the entrance) >Mike: If I'm stuck you're comming down with me. Mike: I would never take drugs! >>he smiled, then everything went dark. > >Crow: ...And the black panthers celebrated > >> Mina left Rei's temple early. There was a nagging thought that >>Artemis was in trouble in >>the back of her mind. Michelle: Deus Ex Machina? You're soaking in it! >>She walked over to thirty-second street and went >>down the alley. She gasped in horror to see a small puddle of blood, with >>a trail leading >>toward a white tail, sticking out from under a garbage bag. "Artemis!" >>she ran over, lifting the bag >>off Tom: (Mina) Oh, I'm sorry, Felicia! Wrong alleyway! Crow: (Felicia) He's two alleyways down. >>of him and picking him up gently. > >Mike: Artemis found a discarded copy of 'Bondage Faries' lying around. >Crow: Ah, the 'male nosebleed' cliché, never ceases to amaze me. Crow: Actually, it stopped captivating me before I saw it for the first time. >> Artemis opened his eyes. "Oh, hi. I was wondering if you'd get some >>bandages?" >> he passed out again. >> >> Mina tucked him into her jacket Mike: Now, here's the real irony. Michelle: How so? Mike: He was wanting this exact thing while he was awake, and now he's asleep when it's happening. >>and ran down the street to her house, >> almost in tears. >> >> He woke to the sound of running water. Artemis was bundled in a >>cloth, and he was in >>the bathroom. Tom: (Artemis) Mina, why are your clothes off? Please replace them quickly. Crow: (Mina) I thought that this was what you wanted. You talk in your sleep. Mike: Guys... >>Mina was drawing a bath for him. His eyes went wide. He >>hated bathes. > >Tom: Stupid over-sea's spelling with their 'bathes' and their 'colours'! Tom: Hey, John! Try the grammar checker. It's not an over-seas spelling. It's just a grammar problem or a spelling mistake or a combo of the two. >> The last time Mina had attempted to give him one, it was a good two >>years ago. >>He tore up half the bathroom trying to escape from Mina and her anti-flea >>shampoo. Crow: (Shampoo) Thanks for the flea and tick bath, Mina! >>The only >>concilation he got was a fur rub after wards...but again, that was before >>he had realized he >>was in love with her. >> He tried to squirm free, but the cloth was tightly wrapped, and he >>was still sore from the fight. Mina heard his straining and turned. Michelle: (Mina) Oh, tyring to get away, are we? I'll just have to tie the knot harder, then! >>"Artemis! Thank god you're >>allright!" she picked him up and hugged him tightly through the bundle. >>It looked like she's >>been crying for some time before. Tom: She was sorry that you were still alive, cat! Mike: What are you trying to do, Tom? Tom: Drive the cat over the edge, or at least damage his ego. >Mike: Didn't Strike hear of paragraph breaks? Mike: Well, considering the fact that he used them earlier on, one would tend to think so. >> Artemis smiled weakily. "Sorry. Thouse damn alley cats are worse >>than the negaverse!" Crow: Dam Speling erers! Thay suk! Michelle: Nice touch. >> Mina smiled, unwraping him. "I'm glad you're okay." >> Artemis glanced nervously over to the bath. >> She sighed. "Now, Artemis. You're wounds will get infected if I >>don't clean them. Crow: Your going to pay for that! Their going to come for you! Its time for you to stop! Mike: Ditto for you, Crow. Crow: Just getting the obligatory grammar jokes out of the way. >> You're going to have to cooperate this time." >> >> Artemis cringed as she picked him up and lowered him into the water, >>hind legs first. >>"See? That isn't so bad." she cooed softly, rubbing a bar of disinfecting >>soap on a cut on his neck. Tom: Artemis enjoyed Mina's tact, rubbing his fur with a disinfectant soap, while purring softly, he didn't like baths very much, but this was with his lover, so how could he resist a bath with his true love? Crow: So sayeth Oscar. Tom: How can I resist the urge to run out of the theatre? You're killing me here, Joel! Crow: So sayeth Crow, just before, or was it after, puking his guts out. >Crow: Suddenly, with a sharp snap, Mina had broken Artemis' neck in 5 >places. The cat went cold, his lifeless body staring into the vast >nothingness that was death. >"...Teach you to run around with that freak, Oscar! i thought you loved >me." Mina muttered while >disposing of the body. Tom: Hey! He's stealing my bit! Mike! Make him stop! Mike: Crow, get back in character! >Tom: Yikes. > >> Artemis tried not to show he was really enjoying her soft caress. He >> was actually liking his bath for the first time. >> Mina seemed to enjoy it too, and started humming softly as she worked >>on the cut along >> his back. "So, how many were there?" she said between two verses of >>humming. Michelle: (Artemis) How many what? Tom: (Mina) How many cats? Michelle: (Artemis) What cats?... Oh, yeah! Those cats! There were hundreds, just thousands! I'm surprised that I didn't die when they took an uzi to me! >> Artemis shrugged. "Five. Only three were a problem, though. Big >>suckers." he said > >All: (Singing) Lollipop Lollipop, Oh Lolli-Lolli pop! Mike: Okay, if we start acting any more insane, all bets are off, I'm trashing the theatre! Crow: I'm with you! Tom & Michelle: Ditto! >>happily, realizing he was trying to impress her. >> Mina frowned. "You should have ran. You know you're too important >> to me...and the others." she added after a pause. >> Artemis paused. "I know, I know..." Tom: Oh, shut up and screw her! You know you want to! >> "What were you doing there anyway?" Mina asked, attending to his >>last cut. Michelle: I never knew that Artemis was into athletics. Mike: Refurnishing old buildings and selling them as condominiums at affordable prices. >> Artemis tried to think up a good lie. "Uh, I, just had some thinking >>to do." He cursed >>inwardly. "Stupid brain..." he thought. > >Crow: (Brain) Pinky, if you had a mind it would be a terrible thing to waste! Tom: You know, I could say the same thing about Crow here, but I don't, do I? Crow: Hey! >> "Luna said you were kind of down. Is there anything I can do to >>help?" she asked happily. >> Artemis stopped himself from saying You could get naked for me' > >Crow: Do it! Do it! Crow: Yeah! I'm with me! >Mike: ... >>and just shrugged. "I don't know, Mina. I've just had a lot on my mind." >> Mina sighed. "Well, I'm done, but I'm not sure how to rinse you off. >>You're fur's too thick to just use a cup, and it's too cold outside to >>just hose you down." Tom: (Artemis) Why not just lick me clean? >Tom: I know i can really mess up with spelling and grammar, but you are fur's? Mike: He makes a good point. He really *can* mess up with spelling and grammar. >> Artemis gasped as Mina started to undress. "What are you doing?!?" >>he said, flabbergasted. Tom: (Artemis) Miss Aino, are you trying to seduce me? >Tom: (Mina) ...Helping the plot move along, why? Michelle: (Artemis) Just wondering so that the readers can know to leave the room. >> Mina frowned. "I'm going to turn on the shower to rinse you off. I >>can't do that unless >>I'm in there with you. Someone has to hold you up to the shower head." Crow: (Artemis) Can't it at least be Luna? >Mike: One day her children will be stuck in therapy Michelle: What children? >> Artemis held up his paw. "Oh, don't worry. If it's too much trouble..." >> Mina sighed. "Don't worry. It's just like a bath, no need to be >> scared." she said, now only in her underwear. Mike: Yeah, stop being a puss! Tom: D'oh! >> Thankfully for Artemis's sanity, she kept her undergarments on and >> drained the tub. She got in behind Artemis and turned the shower on. All: (sounds of violins screeching) >Crow: The pulsating shower head. Hummana hummana hummana!!! Mike: You speak from experience, my little hentai? Crow: Stop calling me that! >> Artemis had meanwhile tried to look away, but got a few glimpses of >>Mina's near-nakedbody, now shiny from the water. Tom: (Artemis) Aaahh! Too bright! Blinding! >Mike: That's what you get for wearing latex undies. Mike: Oh, now he's writing me OOC! He dies! >> He was starting to blush, making himself >>turn pink around thenose. > >Tom: Do lemon authors usually forget to use spaces in their sentences? >Crow: They're usually typing one-handed... Tom: More experience, Crow? Crow: That's it! I'm tired of all the riffing I'm getting in this MSTing! I'm outta here! (gets up and leaves) Mike: I hope that the little guy will be okay. >> Mina picked him up and put him into the shower spray. "See? That >>isn't too bad, is it?" she smiled, turning him around to clean off his fur. >> Mina had developed quite a bit more from three years ago in Paris. Michelle: She had another eye, a third arm, and an extra breast. Tom: That's what she gets for visiting the nuclear reactor while they're cleaning it out. >Mike: Forget Paris, starring Billy Crystal. >Crow: She finally found about that wonderful tool, the Bic razor! Mike: Where did that one come from? We need our Crow back. This one can't riff as good as ours. >> Artemis knew that, but never dwelled on it. But now, she was holding him >>just inches away from her large, firm breasts, who were now only covered >>by a soggy, >>half-see-through bra, while her gentle touch was rubbing his fur with >>steamy water. >> Mina gasped as Artemis suddenly jumped out of her hands and ran out >>the bathroom door after literally ripping his way through the shower curtain. Tom: (Artemis) I've got to get out of here before the author's mind starts working! >Mike: Poor Mina >Tom: I hope she got him declawed, or she'll get scars. Michelle: Well, I guess that it's scars, isn't it? >> "Artemis? >>What's wrong?" she called after him, getting out and drying off. Mike: (Artemis) Emergency bathroom break! >> Artemis ran out into the street and hid in a bush. > >All: Ahem, Ahem, *COUGH* Tom: When did they get a doctor up there to give them a physical? >>He couldn't believe what just happened. "Is she trying to do that?" >> His heart was pounding against his little rib cage like never before. >> A second later, he would have leapt on Mina and started licking her >>uncontrollably. Michelle: Hey, Artemis! It wouldn't be a total loss! You'd find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of Mina's Tootsie Pop! >>It was >> just too much. >> >> He ignored his desire ro run back in there, but couldn't stop >>thinking about Mina being naked. "Man," he said out loud "now I need a >>cold shower.." Mike: To wash off the sticky residue of this fic! Michelle: Mike! Mike: No, I didn't mean it that way! >Tom: (singing) Baby, how come ya do me, like ya do me, like ya do me? Tom: Because I damn well like to! >> Mina woke up the next morning and looked over to Artemis's pillow. >> He wasn't there. >> She grew concerned. "Artemis?" she said out loud, just incase he was >>nearby. >> No answer. >> She got up and went over to Cherri Hill. Rei answered the door, >>already in her robe. Tom: (Mina) Raye, what are you doing in that outfit now? It's not time for our sex scene yet! Michelle: Hentai! >> "Mina? Hi! Come in!" she exclaimed sleepily, letting her friend come in. >> "Why are you up so early? It's summer holidays!" > >Mike: When was summer consitered a holiday? Mike: When children in America got out during it. >Crow: (singing) Synchagone, They took away vacation! All: Pardon me? Tom: What was that? >> Mina smiled. "Why are you?" >> Rei glanced to her clothes. "Oh, I was meditating all day yesterday, >>so I didn't need >> much sleep last night." She paused. Mike: Is Strike implying...? Tom: I think he's implying POOM! >>"How's Artemis? Did he come >>home okay?" >> Mina sighed. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." >> "He's not lost, is he?" Rei asked, concerned. >> "No, I found him in the alley." Mina and Rei sat down on the steps. Michelle: (Mina) ...and even worse, he was alive! >> "He was beat up by a bunch of alley cats." > >Crow: I call no 'Heathcliff' jokes Tom: I'm not exactly sure why, but he is. >> "Oh no!" Rei gasped. >> "Oh, he's okay," Mina smiled. "Just a few cuts and bruises." >> "That's good. So what's the problem?" Rei asked suspiciously. Tom: (Mina) I already said! He's alive is the problem! >> Mina shrugged. "Well, when I was rinsing him off in the shower, he >> went all mental and ripped out into the street. Mike: He was screaming something about killing OJ's wife and her boyfriend... >Tom: (Rei) You should have pottytrained Artemis! > >> I haven't seen him since last night." >> Rei blinked. "How did you get him in the shower? I thought he hated >>water." Michelle: (Mina) He is, that's why I used acid. >> "He actually didn't mind the bath part." Mina said. "But I had to get >>in the shower with >> him and hold him up. That's when he went crazy on me and took off." >> Rei had a curious smile on her lips. "You mean you were taking a >> shower with a talking white cat?" Tom: The problem with that being... HE'S A FRICKIN' CAT! HE WON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS WITH THAT (supposedly)!!! Mike: Halfway decent rant. I'll give it a six point three. Michelle: I give it a five. >Mike: (Mina) I can't stand the smell of wet pussy! >Crow: Mike! Thats my Job! >Mike: You can't get all the good ones. Mike: I'd prefer that they did. I actually have taste. >> Mina scowled at her. "Oh, come on. I wasn't naked or anything." >> Rei was still smiling. "Then what were you wearing?" >> Mina shrugged. "My underwear. Why?" Michelle: (Raye) For the purposes of gossiping. Tom: Hey, guys, I just noticed something. Mina is a dub name, right? Then what's Rei? A Japanese name! Mike: So is Ami! Michelle: You guys are just now noticing it? >> Rei raised an eyebrow. "Well, you have to remember that Artemis IS a >>male." >> Mina blinked. "Yeah, but he's a cat, and he never was to timid about >> sleeping next to me or anything." Tom: That's because when you were asleep, he... Mike: Stop right there, buddy. >Tom: Well, when Artemis woken up the next day, he could always start *HIS* >*Usual Morning* >Mike: Are you TRYING to rub elbows with the big time fanfic authors?! Tom: Not really sure why I would be trying to. We're stuck with this author. >> Rei patted her on the shoulder. "Oh, come on. You two have been >>together for three >> years now. And I know hundreds of boys who would give anything to be a >> cat for a day to look up girl's skirts." she smiled. "But he's not >>like that. He's really Tom: ...an idiot for not being like that! >> quite a gentleman, if you don't listen to what Luna has to say about >>him. >> He's probably just shy and doesn't want to offend you." >> Mina shrugged. "I guess so...I mean, I was half naked in the shower >> with him..." > >Crow: Wowee Zowee! Mike: You know, that sounds like our Crow. >> Rei nodded. "I'm sure it's nothing. He's probably back at your >>house right now." >> "Yeah, but..." she paused. "It seemed like something more than that." >> Rei sighed. "Well. I have to take a nap, then Grandpa wants me to >>clean out the fire >> pits. Michelle: (Raye) ...and he wants you to come visit his room. Mike: Michelle? Michelle: What? He's a dirty old man in the Japanese version. >>That's an all-day job. You wanna help? We can talk about it >>more?" Tom: (Mina) Excuse me, Raye, but you're stealing my lines. >> Mina smiled. "Oh no. You're not getting me to clean those stinky, >> charcoal lumps again! I'll come by later." > >Tom: Offer her as a virgin sacrifice!! Mike: In a little while, we won't be able to do that. Tom: They'll have to settle for Michelle. Michelle: Me? A virgin? Mike: Yep, yep, yep... Michelle: You think I'm referring to you? Hah! >> she got up and left. >> Rei shrugged. "It was worth a try..." she yawned and went back >>inside. "Boy am I glad my crows can't talk too!" Tom: Oh, no! What have you done to Adam Duritz?! >Tom: Guys, lets get out of here, okay? i need a break NOW. > >------- >Reverend John Felix Mike: How can a holy man bear to read something like this? >Gwar-Subgenius-Fanfics-IRC-Mstings >stubbles@gwar.net >------- Michelle: Come on, guys, we've got to talk to Crow. Reverse door sequence End of part one E-mail the MSTer at: jehdjh@worldnet.att.net give me some feedback on this MSTing. I want to know if you think that it's good enouh to post!