A Matter of Life and Death Part 3 A Sailor Moon MSTing MSTing by: M. H. Torringjan Original story by: Valerie Howson This MSTing is a work of pure fiction that no one would believe of happening unless they had severe brain damage and had no life whatsoever. Just kidding. It isn't really real, though. I mean no insult to the author by doing this, I'm just having fun! I don't own Sailor Moon or Mystery Science Theatre 3000. They are owned by Naoko Takeuchi and Best Brains. Any products mentioned in a shameless product plug is the product of someone's derranged imagination and they own it. Again, NOT ME. Thank you for your time, on with the show. The day had started up easily enough. James and Kelly had gone to their program area and had begun to clean up with their director, Daniel Glaze. The nature lodge had really been messed up when it had first been opened up. When the door opened, James could have sworn that he could have heard some rabbits scurrying out of the building in frustration. At the moment, James and Kelly were sweeping the floor. James liked his program area because it had air conditioning and a stereo system. It was perhaps the only place outside of the staff area that had one. They didn't have any animals at the moment, but once the campers got in and all hell broke loose, there would be crawdads aplenty and perhaps a few turtles. James and Kelly were interrupted by Daniel bursting through the door and yelling out, "Spiders, Spiders!!!" while running around in small circles. James stopped him and asked, "What spiders?" "You know, that's a good question," Daniel said with a grin. "What do we need to do after this?" Kelly asked. "We've been called down to headquarters to finish that fic up that you two ave been refusing to handle for the past couple of days," Daniel said, suddenly serious. These mood swings were beginning to get on James's nerves. "What about John?" Kelly asked. "What about him?" Daniel shot back. He turned around and walked out of the nature lodge with James and Kelly hot on his heels. The trio walked into the fic viewing room and sat down in their seats as the fic began. "It's a good thing that Kelly and I have been getting some practice on riffing some of those movies in the lounge," James said. "It's amazing what someone can do when he's bored and it's his night off." >Hello Again! Welcome to chapter three. Standard >Disclaimer goes here, and you all know what it is, so to Nakeo and Dic, I >would like to say one thing. Please don't sue me, as I have little money and >it would be a real waste of your time. James: I'd just like to restate my earlier comment about boredom and nights off. >Well, this is the last installment. The last and longest part of A Matter of >Life and Death. >Like chapter two, this was written way too early- about two to three >AM Kelly: She must be lonely. >and could be fraught with errors (although if I can manage THAT who knows?) >so be forgiving. Thanx. Comments, questions, e-mail bombs, flames, etc. can >be sent to me at my new address-tyrana@americamail.com-although I prefer >flattery and praise:> This stuff is real hard and I may never do it again. OK, >so I have a story called The Rape of the Guardian, Daniel: Okay, from that name, what can we tell about that fic? James: No camper will be reading it on our time if we have anything to say about it. >as well as the Soul Peices >for the Outer Senshi (except Hatoru), Melvin, Molly, Andrew, and even Mrs. H, >all coming soon soon to a fanfic site near you. But after that... Kelly: More fanfics for us to read and, to our sorrow, riff! > Chapter Three: The Victory All: (hum French national anthem) >The next morning, 11 Scouts, two of whom were also cats and one of whom was >also a unicorn; Daniel: Égathered to have a knot tying contest! > five more unicorns, reinforcements from Ithica's court; a >pissed off Prince, and four concerned human females (guess who?) James: Boyz 2 Men!! Kelly: Uuummm... No? >gathered >before a portal to the Wiseman's castle. The female with a feline hair cut >said, "Are you certain this is a good idea?" >"Do we have a choice?" Kelly: You can have either cole slaw or extra fries with that. >"Usagi would not have wanted you to throw away your lives. She would have >wanted you to save the world," stated the young lady with white hair. >"But the world doesn't stand a chance without her. There are but three living >beings who are more powerful than Usagi." >"And they are?" The woman with a yellow bow tilted her head slightly in wait for >an answer. Daniel: The author, Bill Gates, and myself. James: Shut up. >"The Dark Queen, the Wiseman, and myself." >"Is that in order?" The last of the sisters (Prisma in the American version) was >curious, and mocked her sister's gesture. >"No, that would be The Dark Queen, myself, and the Wiseman. HOWEVER, our >combined >powers probablly can-and eventually will have to-overpower the dark goddess." Kelly: Alicia Silverstone! >"I wish we could just snap our fingers and kill the Wiseman." >"We can't kill him. The Scouts can." >"Wait a minute. Are you telling me that they are more powerful than us?" Apollo, >Ithaca's lifemate(the Solus equivalent of marriage, obviously), Daniel: Oh, well obviouslyÉ >and the second >most powerful of the Solus Unicorns, looked stunned. James: Set your announcements for stun. Others: ANNOUNCEMENTS! ANNOUNCEMENTS! ANNOUNCEMENTS! >"Yeah, I know YOU are, that's why you're Queen-or were-but THEM," asked Zeus, >a male who would be taking Apollo's place as King, for Apollo was going to stay >on Earth with his Mate. Zeus was the fifth most powerful of the Unicorns, after the >royal couple, his mate Aphrodite, and the female Gaia. Kelly: And damn well proud of it, too! Daniel: ONLY the fifth most strongest? Man, there must be four unicorns alive total. James: Sorry, man, she named them all. >"No, but it must be done by a Senshi. Besides, look at them. You are maybe more >powerful than any of them, but not more so than ALL of them." Ithica was >wearing golden battle armor. All the Senshi were wearing lightweight armor to >give them protection, armor that matched their fukus. The Solus Royal battle >armor was gold lined with a mixture of lead and diamonds for strength. >"That makes sense, Ithica." This from Gaia, the third of the reinforcements, >and the fourth most powerful there. Kelly: Only proceeded by Floomflam, Zorblast, and Tim! >"Aye," said HER lifemate, the weakest Unicorn but still easily more powerful >than even Sailor Moon was at this point. Daniel: Well, putting into consideration the fact that Sailor Moon was dead at that pointÉ James:Éhe'd still be the weaker one! >His name was (guess who?) Hermes. >They all smiled, then sobered as they stepped through the portal, save only the four >human females, who were protecting the portal on the other end. Kelly: (random sister) Now what was it that we were supposed to do if they try to come through? Daniel: (other random sister) Sell them make-up, what else? >The palace was black. No other colors at all. The towers, the turrets and catwalks were all >jet-black. >"Spooky." >"Weird." >"MOMMY!" >"Shut up, Artemis." >"I love you too, Mina." James: Hey! Megane was right all along! Kelly: Oh, thank you for *that* lovely mental image. Daniel: (Mina) F**k off, Artemis! >"SILENCE!!!!" The current Queen of the Solus Unicorns (Aphrodite, not Ithica) >was pale with anger. "We are about to go defeat a powerful force and you are >cracking jokes? If the Princess' life is that unimportant to you, go home. I >and my fellows will do this. LEAVE!!" James: (Aphrodite) Like get out of here and go crying to your mommies, or some junkÉ >"NO!" Mamoru's voice crackled with anger and power. "You may be the Queen of >the Sun and the Unicorns, but you are NOT the Queen over me. And I shall not >desert any fight in which I may help. Besides, I want a chance to hurt the >Wiseman for what he has done." Kelly: (Mamou) For being a royal dickweed, he must die! >The others nodded, and Ithica said, in a soft tone that was nevertheless >menacing, said, "'Ware, Queen Aphrodite, for I may still decide that you are >too impatient to rule. They merely let off some steam before battle. Besides, >the Senshi need the practice. We will not be here to teach them how to use >their new powers forever-at least, you won't. So be patient, for it IS a >virtue." Daniel: (Aphrodite) But remember, virtues can also be vices! James: (Ithica) Shut up! >Aphrodite nodded, abashed, and they continued. Suddenly, fifty some monsters >stepped out of thin air to attack. Kelly: (Random senshi) What are they? Daniel: (other random senshi) Cannon fodder! >Sailor Mercury's attack came to her after she asked her computer. Pointing her fingers >together much like when Sailor Mars used her Mars Fire Ignite, she said, "Mercury >Tsunami..." James: Thanks, Cartoon Network! Kelly: That's Toonami, JamesÉ >a column of water approximately five hundred feet tall appeared behind the creature, >which ignored it, thinking that it would also hurt her friends and thus she wouldn't use it. Daniel: (Monster) Ah, it won't work! She'll *splash!* >"CONCENTRATION!" She proved him wrong on both counts when the energy of the >massive wave hit him square in the chest, dusting him. She repeated this on >another monster, then went to see if anybody needed help. James: Just wondering, but isn't that a bit much energy to be wasting on cannon fodder? >Mina had "Love Chain Encircle-d" her monster, tying it up until her attack came to her. >Then she saw a monster take her new friend Ithica by the throat. She was pissed. >"VENUS ACID SHOWER!" All: The colorsÉ James: Thanks, Minako! I haven't had a hit for weeks! Daniel: All right, that's enough my little droogiesÉ Kelly: Man, she just can't stop DiCing up this fic! Daniel: That's enough of that, tooÉ >The creature was surrounded by a yellow mist that did nothing. Until Mina yelled, >"LIQUEFY!"And his skin slowly melted from his bones as he screamed. James: (monster) Oh, I'm melting! What a world! What a world! >Mamoru threw a rose and the ground opened, swallowing one monster. Then, he >changed into Prince Endymion and thrust his sword into the ground, saying, >"Earth Tremors." The ground rumbled and shook, causing ten of the creatures >to perish. Kelly: (random monster) Did the earth move for you, too? >The others looked at him and he saluted. Daniel: (Mamoru) Hail to the armies of darkness which have made this victory possible! >Sailor Mars was casting Burning Mandela-s like nobody's buisness when something in >her mind said, "Magma." Suddenly her attack came to her and she grinned. James: (Mars) Mars Pissing and Moaning, ANNOY!!! >"Mars..." her fingertips glowed red. "Magma...." and it flowed in a pool under the >creatures she faced off against. "INCENERATE!" And with that, a pillar of liquid fire >shot up from the ground at took out her monster. Kelly: I'd just again like to point out that unless this cannon fodder is as strong as the original generals, this is WAY too much energy to be wasting on them. >Jupiter's attack came in a flash of inspiration. Pointing at a large >group of monsters, she yelled, "JUPITER THUNDERSTORM CONSUME!" Daniel: Get it?! Lightning! Flash of inspiration! It's funny! James: Drop itÉ >And they were >all sucked away by a powerful wind. >Sailor Saturn had gotten a power she was looking forward to using. "Molecular >Disruption," she said, James: She is calm compared to the others, isn't she? Kelly: No, she just took a whole bottle of cough syrup before coming onto the setÉ >pointing the Silence Gailve at a monster, which suddenly was no longer there. >Sailor Uranus had designed an attack that she enjoyed greatly. "URANUS ORGANIC >DEACTIVATION!" And this shout, the creature's system shut down, and it died. >Sailor Neptune smiled at her friends' success, until one of the monsters knocked Haruka >out. She saw red. Daniel: Éand the red in her sight caused her to miss the monsters completely and kill her friends! >"NEPTUNE'S TRITON!" A blue three-pronged instrument that looked like a glorified >pitchfork made of water appeared in her hands. >She threw it, and it stuck in the monster's gut. The monster laughed. James: Whoah, there's why the attacks are being made so powerful! >Then >Sailor Neptune said, "VAPORIZE!" and the sheer energy pounded the creature >into dust. James: Or notÉ >Sailor Pluto always knew what she was doing. Always. She also knew what she had >done and would do in the future. She knew the same about every person on the planet. >But she didn't know what her attack was-until she began to think along those lines. Then >she smied and almost evil smile that indicated that she would probably enjoy what she >was going to do and said, "Pluto Knowledge Overload." Kelly: Suddenly, a giant college professor shows up on the scene and starts lecturing! >And in that horrible second, the monster saw the infinifty of creation from the point of >view of the Guardian of Time, and his relation to it. And it totally short-circuted his brain. >(partial apologies to D.Adams.) Daniel: The whirling sound that you hear is the sound of Douglas Adams rolling over in his grave. James: I don't think that he's dead yet. Daniel: That's what he would be doing if he was dead. >She smiled, coldly, and said, "Talk about your dangerous minds." >Sailor Stella (Luna) and Sailor Cosmos (Artemis) were watching, as they usually did, >when a monster snuck up behind Sailor Mercury. Sailor Stella, having become quite close >to her, got very angry and yelled, "Starlight Blades SLASH!" Kelly: You know, Seiya's probably going to want that back. >For a second nothing happened. Then, six stars zoomed through the monster, killing it >immediately. >Sailor Cosmos just saw a bunch of reinforcements coming their way and yelled out the >first two things to come to his mind. Daniel: "Oh, poopie," and "I want my mommy"É >"Oh shit. SONIC COMET STRIKE!" Again, a second went by before the attack reached >fruition- and a large comet slammed into the group of reinforcements, killing them >instantly. James: Hey! That's the first attack to justify for the enormous ammount of energy spent! >There remained five monsters and the Unicorns wanted to kill them badly-Ithica for >practice with her human ability, the others to prove they were superior. >The less powerful flicked their fingers and the monsters died. Ithica said, "Solar Flare" >and a ball of solar energy appeared in her hands, then she said, "ANNIHALATION!" and >it exploded into the monster's chest. It died. Kelly: (monster) I'm not dead yet! I'm getting better! I think I'll go for a walk! >"That was fun. Everybody like their new attacks?" >"Great. I love them." >"Me, too." >"Cool," said Setsuna. Daniel: (Random senshi) It wasn't tht goodÉ >"I wish the Wiseman were this easy." James: That should be either "Wiseman was" or "Wisemen were". Kelly: Stop nitpicking! >"If it weren't for that spell shield he would be." >"That gives me an idea. Ithica, we have to get in his quarters right now." >"OK." >They teleported in and the Wiseman said, "Look who it is. Failure Scouts." Daniel: Okay, he's seen them. Remember that. James: I've got it! >"We got this far." >Ami said, "Create a diversion so I can scan the shields." >"I know," said Ithica, and morphed into Neo-Queen Serenity's shape. "This will throw >him off. "Apollo, revert." Kelly: Houston, we have a problemÉ >He was a unicorn all of a sudden, and she got on his back and produced an >image of swirling mists which she then walked through. "Hello, Wiseman." >"Oh, SHIT!" James: Implying that he hadn't earlier seen them there, or seen them disguising themselves. >"Ami, what are you thinking?" Daniel: (Ami) It seems that his shield is made of chewy nugatÉ >"His spell shield is big enough for two people to go through. Volunteers?" >"I'm going," said Endymion. >"Thought so." >"I'll teleport you in," said Apollo. James: Wait a minute, wasn't he diverting attention? >"OK. Wish me luck." >"Good luck," the Scouts chorused. >Endymion was suddenly inside the Wiseman's spell sheild. The Wiseman and Ithica both >turned in surprise, but she smiled in delight and the Wiseman's eyes widened in sheer >terror as Endymion's energy blast caught him in the chest. Ithica joined in with her most >powerful spell, and the Wiseman screamed. "It appears I am doomed to die. However, I >shall not die alone." Kelly: He seems very calm about all of this. Daniel: I'm betting that it's not himÉ >He smiled and pointed at Apollo, who disentegrated. >"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO >OOOOOO! >APOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLOOOOOOOOO >OOOOO!!!!!!!!" All: (cover ears) Geez cee-ripes! James: Why must they yell so loudly? Kelly: What? Daniel: I think that they've been to C-ko's school of yelling. Kelly: What? >Ithica and the unicorns were so angry that their energy doubled, andsoon the Wiseman >was dust. There was no way to resserect Apollo. They all stepped through the portal, >Mamoru supporting the sobbing Ithica. Daniel: (Ithica) Why did he have to be able to get out of this fic without me? *Why didn't he take me, damn it!!* James: (Mamoru) Look at it this way, he died for the Deus Ex Machina... Kelly: (Mamoru) Besides that, now I can have you! What Usagi? >The women were all anxious and had almost decided to go after them when the Scouts >and Endymion stepped through the portal. "Hello, everybody." >"Hi. Is the Wiseman..." >"Dead." James: (women) We were going to ask if he was in the market for some cosmetics. I take it that he isn't. >"Good. Tell us everything." >They told the story, and the women were all suitably impressed at their powers, and sad >that Apollo had to give his life for Usagi. >"I'm so sorry, Ithica." >"Don't be. You did not ask him to come. He chose it, being fully aware of the risk. I shall >miss him, but he would not want us to blame ourselves." Kelly: (Apollo) Yes, I would! I'm going to haunt you for the rest of your life! From your dreams, even! >They nodded, then congregated around Usagi. Ithica pointed at her and said, "Live and >understand." A bright golden glow surrounded her, and her wound closed, and she >breathed. >They realized that she said something different from the first time that she tried, and >Mamoru said, "What did you just do?" Daniel: (Ithica) I just found a loophole that I could fit her through. It's really complicated, so don't try to understand. >"I cast two spells. The first was a healing spell. The second imparts the recipient with >knowledge of everything that has happened in a time period that the caster set-in this case, >since Usagi died. So she knows your new attacks, the reason why Mamoru pretended not >to love her, and the result of the battle. She knows who we all are. She knows everything >that happened since she died." James: That makes it so much more convenient for sequelsÉ Daniel: I feel pretty sure that we won't be reading that one ever! >"Oh, good. How long until she wakes up?" >"She just did, and man does she have a headache." >"Usagi!" The Scouts spoke in unison, smiling in relief. >"Princess!" Ithica and the Unicorns bowed. >"USAKO!" Mamoru ran to her side and kissed her. She pushed him away. Kelly: (Usagi) Do I smell youma on your breath? You've been out with that Fronga again, haven't you?! >"Hey, Ithica, I thought you said she knew!" >"I DO know. I just won't forgive you." >"Usako, what do you-" >"NO!!!" She yelled it loudly. >"No?" >"Don't call me that. You think you can break my heart and then superglue it back together >BECAUSE OF A DREAM????!!!!! IT DOESN"T FUCKING WORK THAT >WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Usagi was furious. All: (cover ears) SHUT UP!!! James: She even swears loud! >"But Usagi, he loves you." >"I know that, Rei. That doesn't make it right." >"But-" >"NO BUTS!" Daniel: And no thighs! No breasts, either! Kelly: Daniel! >"ENOUGH!!!!!" Ithica growled in anger. "Princess, you have before you a man who >loves you with all your heart and soul, a man whom you love equally, and for whom you >would do anything, as would he for you. I had that, too. A love, a lifemate, by my side. I >just lost him in the battle. Don't throw away this chance for a new start, Princess. >Forgiveness is divine. And not forgiving him would mean no future, no Crystal Tokyo, >no Reni." James: Wait, that's good! Drop him like a bad habit! >"Forgive and forget?" Usagi looked angry again. >"No. Nobody expects you to forget-although I wish, and I'll bet he wishes, that you >could. Forgive and move on, Princess. Forgive and move on." >Usagi studied Mamoru. He was crying. She had never seen him cry before, not even >when her life was in the greatest danger. She knew he was sorry, and she knew that he >needed-wanted-her forgiveness more than anything before. She shuddered and nodded. >"I forgive you, Mamo-chan." Kelly: (Darien) Well, maybe I don't want to be forgiven! >The use of his nickname, more than even the words themselves, thrilled Mamoru and, as >their lips met, he knew that nothing would ever-EVER-come between him and his >Princess again. Daniel: We'll see about that! Get the crowbar! >"Now that this is settled, what power does Usagi get?" >All eyes were on Ithica, who smiled. "Usagi, all the Inner Scouts-and your love-gained >control over an element of nature. All of the Scouts got a new attack, as did Mamoru. You >get something even better-or at least I think so." James: A whipped cream pie to the face! >She and the others detransformed, and there were gasps around the room. Ithica's hair >and eyes were no longer blonde and red. Her hair was jet black, like Rei's, and her eyes >were emerald green, like Lita's. She smiled and said, "When I gave up the throne, my >eyes and hair changed to this color. However, I retain my full powers. So, I offer you the >chance to be my student-to learn the most powerful magic the world knows. Soon, you >will be able to do anything. As it is, I give you a new attack, the Mage's Gifts, AND the >ability to heal, ressurect, or kill with a thought." She handed Usagi and globe, clear with >white streaks. It exploded, and when the dust cleared, a new Sailor Moon stood before >her amazed friends. Kelly: So, what did she do to deserve this *high and powerful honor*? >Her fuku was silver all over. Her hair had streaks of white and silver in with the blonde. >There was an emblem of the moon on her fuku. Daniel: Surprised? We aren't. >Her tiara was silver, with a crystal-the Ginzuishou-embedded in it. "Now, when you >transform, you will say, 'Moon Tiara Crystal Power!'. Eventually you will have to say >nothing, and will be able to transform at will." James: She's turned into Optimus Primal! All: Maximize! >Her wings were silver, too. She flexed them and smiled. "I'm going to have to tell my >family soon, aren't I?" Kelly: Well, don't you think that they'll kinda' notice when you walk in wearing wings? >"No. You don't have to. You probably should, though." >She nodded. "Another day. For now, I should just go home." >"Want something to eat?" >"No, thank you. I am not hungry. I will wait a few hours." Daniel: What? Usagi *not* hungry? It's the final sign of the Appocolypse! Run for your lives! >She left and they all stared after her. "She never refuses food." >"She is maturing very rapidly. The time for the purification draws near." >The Solus Unicorns left, after tearful goodbyes. >Ithica would stay with Lita for a while. >The Senshi detransformed and headed home, ready to begin their lives anew. James: Ah! That ending just sort of came up out of nowhere! Kelly: Those endings are the tricky ones, aren't they? >The End >Like it? Hate it? E-mail me and tell me! PLEASE!!!!! Daniel: Come on, guys, let's go report to Bud. All three got up, stretched, and exited the viewing room. Bud was in his ofice, along with Ted. As The trio entered the room, Bud looked up from what he was doing. "So, have you finished the fic?" he asked. "Yes, Bud," James said as he took a deep breath for the report. "I thought that the story had good grammar for the most part, good spelling, a few continuity problems. It was good, but it could have been better." It was Kelly's turn after that. "I thought that the story's plot was incredibly cliche. First of all, there was the killing-slash-resurrecting thing. Then, the new powers. Also, the new characters. The cats becoming senshi, killing off a character that the show adiquately finished off for itself. Then, there was the fact that the author kept alternating between the Japanese names, as was intended, and the DiC'ed up names. It got confusing after a while." "I wouldn't recommend this for our campers to read because of the intense language and graphic depiction of deaths," said Daniel. Bud sat there pondering these results for a moment. "Well, I'll just have to find a better fic for you next time, won't I?" he said. "You can go back to your program area." The trio walked out and Bud looked at Ted. "I suppose that it was a good idea to make them our fic reviewers," Ted said. "Anyway, where were we? Oh, yes. You pronounce it "Po-tay-to"." "No, it's 'potahto'" Bud argued. They kind of went on like that for a couple of hours, so I won't get into detail on that. Push the button, Frank. *Blip* *Fwoosh* I hope that you have enjoyed this MSTing. My format was an experimental one. The host segments could have been a little bit more upbeat, but I'm still working on that. See you next time! >"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO>OOOOOO! >APOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLOOOOOOOOO>OOOOO!!!!!!!!"