Tuxedo Haruka A MSTing by: M. H. Torringjan Original Story by: Charon This MSTing is not meant to insult the author or make fun of him in any way. I'm just having some fun. I'm very sure that this writer has done some very good works, it's just that this particular work isn't one of the best. Just please don't sue me. (Roll season six opening) When we first see the bridge, we see Mike and Tom standing close and trying to talk quietly. Fortunately for the readers, they aren't succeeding. "Tom, I'm getting worried about Crow," Mike says. "Why's that, and why are we talking softly?" Tom asks. "We're talking softly so that Crow doesn't hear us if he passes us," Mike says. "And I'm worried about him because I was in his room the other day and I found this." Mike takes a sheaf of papers out from under the desk. Tom looks at the papers and says, "Yep, I knew that it would happen sooner or later. 'Crow T. Robot Is the Greatest Person In the World, Featuring Sailor Moon and Friends.' He's writing self-inserts. That's not a good sign. Perhaps we should talk to him about this." Mike calls Crow in to talk to him about it. The commercial sign light flashes. "We'll be right back." When we return, Crow has just arrived at Mike and Tom. Ranma isn't far behind him. "Crow, we found this," Mike says, taking the story out, "And we were wondering if you had anything that you wanted to talk to us about." "Nope, not really," Crow says. "But Crow! This is a self-insert fic!" Tom whines. "You don't just write a self-insertion fic for no reason!" The red Mad's light starts flashing. "We'll talk about this later, the evil overlords are calling," Mike says, pushing the button. Deep 13 "Hey, bots, why don't you send me a copy of that! I could probably use it!" Forrester says as he appears on the screen. "Get on with your invention." Satellite of Love Mike goes off screen to get their invention. He returns a moment later with a microchip and a pinball machine on a roller cart. "Well, sirs, our invention is for all those pinball addicts who hate that little feature on pinball machines that senses when you tilt the machine. You attach the chip to the bottom of any machine, and you could knock the machine over without the tilt going off. We like to call it the Tilt-o-Matic." All this time, Ranma has been demonstrating the Tilt-o-Matic on the pinball machine behind Mike. He has now knocked the machine on its back, and the machine is spurting sparks in every direction. Crow takes the microchip off, and the machine starts emitting sirens and "Tilt" signs. "Down to you, sirs," Mike says. Deep 13 Forrester gives a laugh as Frank brings out a small jar filled with small pellets. "Well, boobies, our invention is for all the mad scientists out there who don't have any assistants. We were recently reminded of the experiment with the willing assistant of the Devil's spin-doctor, Torgo, when we got a letter from one of our fellow mad scientists about how to go about getting a good assistant." Sattelite of Love "But you can't just go around enslaving people for the heck of it," Mike says. Deep 13 "I know that," Forrester says, "So we came up with this! It's a pill that turns into Torgo when it gets water on it. We call it the Torg-inator." Forrester puts a drop or two of water on the pill, which has been placed on the ground, and backs away. In a puff of smoke, the pill grows into the watermelon- kneed slave to evil forces everywhere. "Torgo, you're my assistant now," Forrester says. "YeS, mAsTeR," Torgo says in his usual, un-level voice. "WhAt Do YoU wAnT mE tO dO fIrSt? I cOuLd GeT sOmE wOmEn FoR yOuR ExPeRiMeNt." "Oh, by the way, this product isn't recommended for scientists who work with large numbers of women," Frank says. Satellite of Love "Who's that?" Ranma asks. "You don't want to know," Tom says. "Just don't let him start fondling your hair," Crow says to the Mads. Deep 13 "No, of course not," Forrester says. "Anyway, your experiment this week is a Sailor Moon fic called "Tuxedo Haruka" and it's by Charon. It's got all the senshi in it, so try not to get confused. See you later! Push the button, Torgo." Torgo hobbles over to the control pad, accompanied by his theme music, and presses the button for the fic. Sattelite of Love "You know, guys," Ranma says, "We could probably get one of those up here to us and have him watch the fics instead of us." "My God, boy! What are you thinking?!" Tom exclaims incredulously. "Nobody listen to him! He must have lost his mind!" The lights start flashing and the sirens and klaxons start sounding. "We've got fanfic sign!" Everyone exclaims as they rush into the theatre. Door 6: It's a wall of Sailor Moon gift wrapping. You try to carefully open it up and then say to hell with it and tear it to shreds. (It's my birthday, so...) Door 5: It's a big target. You take a nerf bow and arrow set and hit the target's center, lowering the door. Door 4: It's surrounded by neon lights. They burn out as you walk through. Door 3: It's a "Wild, Wild West" set. You shoot a couple of gunslingers and walk into the saloon. Door 2: It's a television showing a really bad movie. You watch it and get a couple of riffs in before breaking the screen. Door 1: It's a vault door. Its center ring turns and the door swings open easily. >EEEEEEEEEEEEE! Someone is actually *reading* my fanfic! Tom: That's exactly how we feel. Ranma: Remember that we're not doing it of our own accord. >Thank you so much for reading it! I am desperate for human company! Tom: This guy must spend a lot of his Friday nights alone. >I really need to get life! Ranma: I love that cereal. Mike: I think he's talking about the board game. >But I really appreciate your taking the time to actually *read* something >that *I* wrote. ->sniff<- Crow: What smells in here? >*I'm so happy*. All: HAM!!! >And I sound like *such* a ditz. Mike: Sounds like Serena, in other words. >And I'm over using the ***s. Ah, well... Ranma: (Charon) No, I don't think I'll ever get over using the ***s. >OK, here is the standard pre-fanfic disclaimer or whatever it's called. Tom: It's a bad sign when the author doesn't know what they're talking about. >I (obviously) don't own the characters. Big important people, namely >NOT ME, Ranma: Well, we know that Charon won't be writing any self-insertion fics any time soon. >own them and created them. While reading this, if you find something >grossly innacurate, please tell me, but don't let it ruin your reading. Mike: We wish it would. >I know that Chibi-Usa didn't appear in Stars. Live with it. This is one of >my most early (my spell-checker won't tell me how to spell early-est) Tom: We're in for a rough one here. Be ready with the spelling error jokes. >fanfic attempts, so don't be hypercritical of me. Feel free to tear my bad >characterization to pieces, Crow: Don't worry, we will. >because for some reason, no matter how well I know the characters, I >can't catch all of the mistakes that I've written into their roles. I think (I >hope) that I haven't made a whole lot of spelling/punctuation mistakes. Mike: We'll catch 'em for you! >If I have, shame on me. Anyway, this is meant to be funny, so sit back >and enjoy. Ranma: Hey, Guys! You remember Koopa's attempts at being funny? >Once you get past my idiotically long pre-reading note. > >Rating- PG: Mostly just a little innuendo. Crow: Man... Tom: There goes his hopes for being a total hentai. >Based on: the Japanese version Mike: All right! No Sailor Scouts for us! Ranma: That means no easy shots with the Boy Scouts. >For those poor deprived souls who aren't familiar with the Japanese >names, they are: Mike: Yo, Forrester! Can we get into the actual fic? (The fic speeds up and over the excruciatingly long intro notes.) Mike: Thanks! >Tuxedo Haruka Crow: From the people who brought you Tuxedo Chris, Sailor Xena, and Tuxedo Michael! > a senshi switch-up. By Charon. > >The Sailor Senshi, off duty, are enjoying a little R & R... Mike: Reading and 'Riting? You forgot one "R"! Crow: Raye and Rini? Tom: Ranma and Ryoga? Ranma: Hey! Mike: Ryoko and Ryo-Ohki? >"I am soooo Tom: SOOO-EEE!! >bored." >"There is nothing to do today." >"We could play poker or something." Ranma: Strip poker, of course. Mike: Ranma... >"No way. Last time we tried that, Seiya and Haruka got into a glaring >contest." Tom: ...turning each other into stone. >"It was *her* fault!" >"Oh, *please*!" Crow: Who's talking? Mike: I think that Charon meant for the story to be in script form. >"Will you two can it! Tom: They work at Del Monte? >There has got to be something to do!" >"Michiru could play her violin..." >"Usagi-chan broke my bow. I need a new one to play." >"How did she get hold of it, anyway?" Ranma: Easy, she just put her hand on it like this, then she closed her fingers around it like this... >"Oh, shut up, Rei. I tripped by accident." The room fell silent for a >minute. Minako started fingering her henshin rod. Crow: Saaay... Mike: Not a word. >Makoto glanced at her, then exclaimed, Tom: (Makoto) Hey, look, guys! She's got money! She's holding out on us! >"Hey! we could switch transformation pens!" Mike: Can they do that? >"Dibs on Mamoru's." Ranma: Uh, oh, better run for the hills, Eyeball! She's got dibs! >"No fair!" shouted all four males, indignantly. >"Shouldn't I keep my own transformation?" said Mamoru, getting a bit >edgy. >"I called it." Tom: She called it what? >"You can't do that!" >"Oh, hush up!" Mike: Oh, and a heated verbal battle breaks out! What's next, calling her a poopie head? >"Can I have yours, Yaten?" giggled Minako, batting her eyelids. Ranma: (announcer) And it's a long drive out to middle left field! Man, that Minako is one heckuva batter! Crow: Ooo! Minako's into leather? Mike: Crow... >He rolled his eyes. Crow: ...getting them dirty on the floor. >"I guess. I wanted Mamoru's." >"Well, you'd have to fight Haruka, Taiki, and me to get it." Tom: For heavyweight champion of the world! >"Hey, I never said anyone could have it," Mamoru protested, trying not to >look as uncomfortable as he was, Mike: That tux is finally getting to him. >"I'm not using one of yours, so how come someone's using mine?" Crow: (Random Senshi) Because you're nothing without us. >"Don't be a poor sport, Mamoru." Haruka said, snatching the rose from >his fingers. "At least you don't usually have to wear one of those skirts. >Or high heels." Crow: (Mamoru) Well, what if I want to?! Mike: Crow... >Mamoru walked away, attempting to keep his dignity. Ranma: It's hard to keep your dignity when you wear stuff like Mamoru. >"Usagi-chan, if you don't mind, I'll take yours, so Haruka and I will >match. Tom: Haruka's going to be Sailor Moon, too? >Anyways, you owe me for that bow." >"Sure. Minako, can I try yours?" >"Venus or V?" >"Ummmmmm... I've already tried being a sailor of the moon, so I'll try >Venus," Mike: And the two are related in some way? >"Chibi-usa, can I try out yours?" >"Sure thing, Hotaru! Crow: All right! Sailor Saturn in a suit that's too small for her! Tom: Crow, that's weird. >Minako-chan, can I have your other one? Pleeeeeeeze?" >"Of course, Chibi-usa!" Ranma: (Minako, darkly) If I can have your soul. >"Seiya, I want yours. No, you don't have a choice. Ami, you take >Taiki's." Tom: Ami in a Starlight's outfit? What was this guy smoking when he wrote this story? Crow: Wow, Amy's into leather, too? Mike: Well, that would explain "Games". >"Certainly, Rei. I've wondered what it would be like trying to fight in >one of those things. It will be most interesting, I imagine." Ranma: ...to look attractive Crow: Shut up. >"They aren't as uncomfortable as they look. Who's do we end up with? >I'll take Rei's It's got good colors." >"I suppose I'll settle for Ami's. Which one do you want, Taiki?" Mike: It would help a lot if we knew who was getting what. Crow: This story is certified by the Actor's Guild of America to be 90% conversation. >"He can have mine, Yaten." >"Fine by me, Haruka." Taiki said, fearing a slow death if he were to >dissagree. All: (Chanting) Dis-agree! Dis-agree! >"Kakyuu, why don't you try out Hotaru's? Her's hasn't been taken yet, >and I want to see what your hair looks like next to purple." Tom: The side-effects of crossing transformation sequences! Your hair moves further down your body! Crow: You sure he meant *that* hair? >"Only if you'll take mine, Setsuna." Kakyuu replied graciously. >"I'll agree to that. Makoto, you don't have one yet. I think that >Neptune's, yours and mine are left." >"Yours would be good, I guess. I like that big Garnet Orb thing. It'd >make a good club or something." Crow: (Makoto) Makoto like club. Hit things! >Setsuna cringed, but kept her controled demeanor. Mike: Hey, Charon! You asked for spelling errors? >"Don't break it. And be careful with the keys." Ranma: She makes it sound like a car. >"You make it sound like a car or something. Ranma: D'OH!!! >I'll be careful." >"I'm not really worried, Tom: Then, why'd you warn her? >I'm sure you won't break anything or activate a key. Just be careful." Crow: (Makoto) *CRUNCH*Whoops! >"That's everyone, unless Mamoru wants to try..." Minako grinned >wickedly. Mamoru rolled his eyes, but held on to his traditional cool. Mike: He'll give his eyes away, but he's keeping his cool. >"No. You girls go ahead." Yaten gave him a dirty look. Crow: He cleaned it up and gave it back to Yaten. >"We're not girls until we're transformed. Ranma: Oh, it's the Maximals that this story's about. >Give us a break, already." All: (singing) I wanna take a break with that Kit-Kat Bar! Mike: Shameless product promotion #1! >"Senshi planet power, Make UP!" Tom and Crow: Wondertwin Powers, Activate! Ranma: Maximize! >*********************** Mike: Meteorologists are giving a 70% chance of snow tonight. Ranma: Hopefully, the fic wil be called on account of it. >"Hey, where are the Lights?" Tom: On the ceiling, dummy! >Kakyuu looked around. Mamoru turned an uncomfortable shade of pink. Crow: (Mamoru) Tux... cutting off... circulation... >"I think that they're hiding in the bathroom." >"Why would they... eeep!" Ranma: Someone cut off Ami's air supply! >Ami giggled uncontrollably, "They need *their own* transformations >to... they're still... ha! hahahahahaha..." Mike: What? >"You mean they...-snicker-! Serves them right! Mike: What is so funny? >That is the funniest thing that has happened yet. Ranma: Man, drop the morphine. >"Usagi, your hair looks really different like that. Yikes! Mine does too! >You were right, Seiya. These costumes aren't too bad." Tom: They had enough time to go to the stylist's place during the break, so they figured, "What the hell?" >"Wish I could say the same." came the muffled reply from one of the >involuntary cross-dressers in the bathroom. Crow: What cross-dressers in the... (starts laughing) (The others slowly begin to realize what he's laughing at and join him) Mike: Forrester must not have screened this before sending it to us. >"Haruka, can you even see though that mask?" >"Yes, I like this costume. The top hat is a little strange, but I like it. I >need to get this transformation." Mamoru gave her a dirty look. Tom: She kept it to send it to the dry-cleaners. >"Michiru, that isn't a bad look for your hair. The little feather things >look beautiful. Not the red things on the buns, though." >"Perhaps I could get the feathers without the rest of the costume." Ranma: She's wearing a Big Bird costume? >Michiru said flirtatiously, giving Haruka a sly sideways glance. Tom: (Austin Powers) Oh, behave... >Haruka cleared her throat, and Setsuna cuut in before Chibi-Usa or >Hotaru quite got what Michiru was saying. >"The red things do look a little odd with her hair color, but I'd have to >say the costume works." Mike: What union is it with, because it needs badly to contact them about the amount it's getting paid for doing this fic. >"Yours turned out nicely, too, Setsuna." >"Kakyuu, your regular costume could use a staff or something. The >Glaive looks nice with you." >"Thank you, Hotaru. Oh, dear. What happened to your hair?" Hotaru >rolled her eyes. Ranma: Chibi-Usa picked them up and threw them back. Crow: That joke never loses its zing. >"I think that the transformation tried to make it look like Chibi-usa's. I >like not having to carry the Glaive around, but I can do without the >colors." >"I have to agree. Pink is not your color. Tom: Yep, superheroines do usually care about the colors they're wearing when the evil forces are blasting the world to bits. >But I do like the hair." >"I need a bathing suit like this. Without the boots. Thanks for letting me >borrow it, Yaten!" Minako chirped. Mike: (nature show host) The elusive Minako bird of the rainforests of Guatemala. >"We figured out how to detransform." said Taiki as the three of them >came out of the bathroom, beet-red. >Mamoru hid his face and Haruka smirked. Ami dissolved in laughter. Tom: The chemical Ami usually dissolves easily in liquid laughter. >"I'm glad I don't have to fight in this. I think mine is much more >practical." she remarked between bouts of laughter. >"Hey! What does everyone think of mine? Pay attention to me! Hey! All: (singing) You've got to hide your love away. >HEY!" All: (singing) You've got to hide your love away. Ranma: Do you guys hear someone trying to get our attention? >"Do you hear something?" Ranma: It wasn't exact, but D'OH! >"Oh, stop teasing her, Rei! Usagi, you look... unremarkable." Mike: HYPOCRITE! >"Are you suggesting that I have a boring suit?" >"Well, it just sort of looks normal on Usagi." >"I said not to mess with those!" >Setsuna scolded, snatching the keys from Makoto's hands. >"Really, Mako-chan. You're worse than Usako." >"You wanna fight about it?" Tom: The battle of the bulge! >Mamoru winced. >"Nuh-uh. Particularly not while you're armed with the garnet orb." >Makoto dove at him. "okay, okay. Take it easy. >"You don't need to get mad." >"Give me the orb." >"But it's part of the costume..." >"Tough, hand it over." Makoto grumbled and tossed the staff at Setsuna. Ranma: ...accidentally stabbing Setsuna through the head. >"Hey! You said you'd be careful!" Tom: (Makoto, childish) Well, I had my fingers crossed! Nya! >Setsuna protested, bending over to pick up the orb from where it had hit >the ground. "You dented the floor." Mike: Man, I knew Makoto was big, but this is worse than I had imagined. >"Are you done gawking at yourselves?" >"What's wrong, Yaten? Getting bored?" >"Yes." >"I guess we can detransform now." > >********************** Ranma: Mike, can I build a snowman? >"I am soooo Tom: SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-EE!! Mike: Even twice, it's still good. >bored." >"Mako-chan could give a cooking lesson." >"Usagi ate all the food in the house." >"She is such a pig." Ranma: Which is why she's calling others. >"Oh, shut up, Rei, I'm a growing girl. I need to eat." Tom: (Rei) So are we, but we don't usually eat enough to feed a small army. >"Donuts are not..." > >And so, the majestic Sailor Senshi continue into the night... > > >OK, you've read to the end. Tom: Just say, "The End," and we can all get out of here. >Be gentle with your criticism. It's one of my first tries, all right? Ranma: No, it's not. Get down on your knees and beg. >I already know that I'm really bad about using the characters' >personalities, particularly Mamoru, Haruka, and Ami. And the Lights >and Ami. Mike: She used Ami twice. Tom: (author) And Ami. Can't stress Ami enough. Definitely Ami. Ami, Ami, AMI!!! >And... Oh, you get the idea. I've got them straight in my head, but >sometimes I just need one of them to say something. Ranma: Something that says, "I burn"? Tom: Obscure enough reference? >If there are any parts that are particularly bad, tell me. Maybe I can fix >them. This is set during some peaceful lull during the Stars series, Mike: NOW we're getting the setting? Where'd it take place, anyway? >and if I have some combination of characters who didn't exist or weren't >all alive at the same time, tough. Tom: No, meat is tough. That is hard to swallow. Crow: No, pills are hard to swallow. This is downright stupid >Suspend disbelief for a little while. And if I accidentally added something >that sound suspiciously like your fanfic, don't sue. Ranma: (whining) Awww, come on. I wanna sue you. >I didn't mean to, it's just that there is a similar note to all these post- and >pre-reading bits. I thought up the idea *myself*. All suggestions, >complaints, and questionings of my sanity All: Hey! Right here! >can be sent to: sasamil082@aol.com >Sorry for the disproportionately long beginning and ending notes. >And that's it. Mike: You know, guys, that wasn't too bad. Tom: Forrester must be going soft on us. Mike: HUSH! Don't let him hear you, or he'll send us that new Lost in Space movie! Ranma: Let's go, guys! (All stand up to leave) Reverse door sequence On the bridge, there is a large number of Torgos standing in front of the theatre doors. Mike is the first to notice this and drops to the ground, unconsious. Tom and Crow's mouths hang open in a gape. Ranma looks around with excitement. Gypsy's in the midst of them, wearing a wig. The Torgos are fondling her hair. "Uuh, guys? Some help here?" Gypsy requests. Crow has opened a packet of smelling salts to wake Mike up. Mike wakes up screaming about the Torgos. "WHERE THE HELL DID THESE THINGS COME FROM?!" Magic voice answers them. "Dr. Forrester sent them up as per Ranma's request." Crow and Tom rush towards Ranma and try to beat him up, only to be thrown at the back wall. The Torgos re trying to figure out where the source of the feminine voice was. "How will we get rid of them?" Mike asks, calming down. "What's wrong with them?" Ranma asks. "Dammit, if you ask me that question again, I'll sit you down in the theatre and make you watch that horrid film that spawned these menaces to nature!" Mike yells. He panics and grabs a glass of cold water from under the desk. He throws the water at Ranma and Ranma turns into his feminine form. "What in the..." Ranma-chan says as she notices the Torgos converging on him. She runs away quickly. The red Mad's light starts flashing. Mike pushes it and tries to figure out how to get rid of the crazed mob. Deep 13 "Well, you asked for it," Frank says. "Do you think that that'll be enough to drive them mad?" Forrester asks. Frank shakes his head and pushes the button. *Blip* *Fwoosh* If you're wondering how they get rid of the Torgos before the next episode, tell yourself, "It's just a fanfic, I should really just relax." MST3K created by: Joel Hodgson Original story by: Charon MSTing by: M. H. Torringjan E-mail me at: jehdjh@worldnet.att.net I'd like to apologize to Charon if he is at all insulted by the fact that I shortened his beginning and ending notes (considerably). You said yourself that they were too long, man. Keep the fanfics circulating! >"Don't be a poor sport, Mamoru." Haruka said, snatching the rose away >from his fingers. "At least you don't have to wear one of those skirts. >Or high heels."