Aes Sedai in Nerima A Ranma/ Wheel of Time crossover MSTing Original fic by: ??????????? MSTing by: M. H. Torringjan I'm MSTing this fic because it's an utter sacrelige! Any fan of the Wheel of Time series wouldn't even consider this! I can't believe that there was someone this twisted, this demented!!!! ........Well, now that I've had my little rant for the fic, I should be fine. As I was saying, I don't own MST3K. Best Brains does. I didn't create MST. Joel Hodgeson did. I don't own Pokemon. Nintendo does. I don't own Ranma 1/2. Rumiko Takahashi does. I don't own Wheel of Time. Robert Jordan does. I don't own the majority of the products mentioned in this MSTing. Their own respective owners/creators do. I don't mean any insult to the author by doing this MSTing. It's just in good fun. Just consider it, in the words of the greatest MSTers of all time, a form of C&C. Now, on with the show!!! In the not-to-distant future, Next Sunday A.D., There were some bitchin' trainers, Pokemon trainers to you and me. They fought against Team Rocket, to save the world from them, They did good for a while, But then were shot into space! (Ash: Pi-ka-chuuu!!!) We'll send them crappy fanfic, the worst we can find! (la-la-la!) They'll have to sit and watch them all, and we'll monitor their minds! (La-la-la!) Now keep in mind Ash can't control when the fanfics begin or end, He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his trainer friends! Poke Roll Call! Cambot! (He's actually a bot...) Misty! (Splish, Splash!) Brock! (Let's get funky!) Micheeeelle! (I'm not a trainer!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, and other science facts, (La-la- la!) just repeat to yourself it's just a fanfic, I should really just relax! For Mystery Pokemon Theatre 3000! (TWANG!!!) Reverse Door sequence As the scene opens, Ash is siting at a desk in the corner of the bridge. Michelle walks on for the intro. "Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love (Mach 3)! Today, while we were waiting for the Mads to call, we were just giving Ash his driver's ed test! He's been wanting this for such a long time but we're just such procrastinators that we haven't been able to do it yet." Cambot zooms in on Ash and turns on the Mental-Cam. You know, that thing that you use to read someone's mind. What, you don't have one? Ash reads the questions in his mind. "Question one: Are you now or have you ever been affiliated with the Communist party? Of course not! Communism is a red herring! (obscure reference...) Question two: When you reach a red light, what do you do? Turn left, of course! Question three: What are your turn-ons? A little red button on the back of my head? I guess. Question four: What is your sign? Deer crossing. Question five: Swallow or spit? Ummm... Spong? Question six: When you go on a date, do you go dutch, or do you pay for both? Usually, I don't go anywhere that costs anything. I'll just put dutch. They aren't worth anything. (Author's note: No offense meant to any Dutch people reading. It's just a joke! ;p ) Question seven: When you..." "The Hell wrote those questions?" Michelle asks. Then, Cambot pans over to the copying machine, where Brock is making more copies of the test. In the copying area of the machine, there is a copy of the new Cosmopolitan. "Brock, what are you doing?" Michelle asks. "Well," Brock says, "This is a copying machine, and one usually uses a copying machine for-" "No, I mean why are you copying that?" Michelle asks. "Well, you asked me to come up with a set of questions for Ash's driver's ed, so I got you a set of questions!" "I didn't mean- oh, never mind. We've got commercial sign." She presses the flashing yellow light and sends them to commercial. When they return, Michelle is grading Ash's test. She puts down her pen and hands the paper back to Ash. "Well, I've come to a conclusion after having graded your paper," Michelle says. "That would be that you are a danger to yourself and others, even without a car." "Look at it this way," Brock says to Ash. "It's only a grade. There's always next time!" "If you say a word about a silver lining," Ash says in a dark voice, "I will slap you upside your face as hard as I can. Then, I will pin your lips together with potato-chip bag sealers. Understood?" Brock nods. "Stop the bloodlust," Michelle warns, "The little old lady from Pasadena and her two back-seat drivers are calling." She presses the flashing red light and opens the channel to Deep 151. Deep 151 "Hello, all!" Meowth says as the channel opens. "Right now, we're kind of busy. A botched-up experiment has caused James to start thinking that he's Qui- Gon Jin from Star Wars Episode One. Now we have some problems." James walks in fom the garage, wearing a robe and carrying a toy light saber. "Jesse, you must tell me where Queen Amidala is! The destroyer droids are chasing me, and I doubt that they'll want to take any guff from the likes of us!" "We'll have to do something quickly!" Meowth says. "He's already mistaken me for Anakin Skywalker and is trying to put me in one of those racing contraptions!" "Come, young Anakin!" James says. "We need you to help you get us off of this planet!" James then notices the link to the ship open. "It's the droids' central core ship! We must destroy it if we are to save the planet! You just wait! The senate will not approve of this course of action!" "Ha! Like the Senate will do anything about it!" Brock exclaims. "Don't encourage him!" Jesse yells at Brock. "Look, just go ahead and do your invention!" "Alright," Michelle says as she looks under the desk. She brings out what looks like a deck of cardss with a picture of the logo on the backs. "Well, evil guys and gals and cat-type-things, our invention for this week is a card game based on our series. It's the Mystery Science Theater 3000 collectible card game! We start with the basics. You have one player that is the Mad Scientist force who tries to crack the sanity of the other player, who happens to be the experiment force. On the Evil Scientist side, you have such cards as 'Invention Malfunction', and 'Deep Hurting, DEEP HURTING!!!'. Each card does a different thing, and they have different rarities that go from 'one in every pack' to 'f'in' impossible to find'. On the Experiment forces side, you could use such cards as, 'We've got movie sign!' or 'The Mads are calling...'." "If you want to get some of these," Ash says, "You'd better do so pretty darned stat or else the value of these things might foreseeably go up and you might perhaps have to pay a bit more than you would have had to in the first place!" "And to ensure that this may happen," Brock says, "We're taking all the cards that we don't sell, and we're going to BURN THEM! Yes, you heard us right! We're going to burn what we don't sell ceremoniously in a little bonfire right outside the ship!" "Ummm, outside the ship?" Misty asks. "Vaccuum?" "Don't ask questions," Michelle says. "Just smile and nod..." Misty complies. "What do you think, losers?" Deep 151 "Not bad!" Meowth says. "We may just have to come up with some sort of that and turn it into an evil plot to rule the world's money supply if we ever branch out. You know, diversifying our operations! Anyway, our invention this week is a must-have for evil scientists on the go, like Jesse and myself. It's the Dehydratable Chemical Lab! Show it to them, Jesse!" Tobmac pans over to where Jesse is standing at a desk of chemicals. She presses a button under the desk, and the desk and vials and chemicals begins to shrink to a miniscule size. After it stops shrinking, Jesse picks it up and hands it to Meowth. "There!" Meowth says. "Now, we can take it anywhere and use it anytime if we just add water!" "Um, guys? Did you think what might happen to some of those chemicals if you add water?" Michelle asks. "Don't bother us," Jesse says as she begins to drip water onto the chemical lab. A few moments later, the only thing left is Jesse singed to a crisp. "Told you so," Michelle says. "Shut up," Meowth says. "You just get in the theatre and watch this week's fic. It's called 'Aes Sedai in Nerima,' and it stings. Hope you enjoy!" "Really, guys!" Michelle says. "We need to errata this card that says, 'Win the game automatically!'" Then, the sirens and klaxons go off, sending everyone into the theatre while still playing their card game. Door 6: It's a Snorlax. You play your Pokeflute and he moves without much objection (as if). Door 5: It's a wall of weeds. You get Psyduck to Cut it down. Door 4: It's a castle gate. It falls and misses your feet by inches. Door 3: It's the head of a Gyarados. It opens and you walk through. Door 2: It's a wall of fire. You grab a nearby bucket of water and throw it on, wishing that you had a Squirtle, or a Wartortle, or even a Blastoise. Door 1: It's a vault door. You turn the handle and it swings open easily. Everyone takes a seat in the normal seats. Misty: What's an Aes Sedai? Michelle: Beats me... >Aes Sedai in Nerima Ash: (loudspeaker) Attention, all personnel! There is an Aes Sedai in the compound! I repeat, an Aes Sedai in the compound! > Chapter I: A Bubble of Evil Brock: An evil kid got ahold of some Fun Bubbles! Michelle: I hope that they're non-toxic... Ash: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch? Oh, wait... >There was a storm coming. Nynaeve felt it. Granted, this was no new feeling, >but it annoyed her to no end, especially considering the clear blue sky. Misty: Draghkar flying back and forth across the field of vision... Michelle: Of course, what was bothering her was the fact that it was one-hundred degrees in the middle of January... >Glancing around, she took in her companions. Elayne, riding out in front, >was deep in conversation with Reanne and several other Wise Women. Misty: (Elayne) And, you see, when you place the bomb and set the timer, you should run quickly! Brock: (Wise Woman) Oh, THAT'S what we've been doing wrong! >Birgitte >rode slightly behind her Aes Sedai, watching for signs of an ambush. Nynaeve >snorted. Ash: What? She turned into a pig? Brock: Well, Lan always said that she was a *babe*! All: *groan!* >She doubted anyone would attack, especially since they had with >them a large number of Wise Women. Aviendha, leading her horse as usual, was >scanning the countryside as well. Ash: (Aviendha) I see a traffic jam on I-42. Some horse has a broken leg and the owner won't give it up... Misty: Give... up... Elayne? The Hell does that mean? >The other five Aes Sedai rode near Elayne, all but waiting for her to crook >a finger so they could come. Ash: Whoah! They come on command? That's good! Brock: We'll have to watch out! Some sick lemon writer could get ahold of that idea! Michelle: Hentai baka! >Nynaeve still couldn't get over the fact that >the other Aes Sedai now deferred to Elayne and her. She had been too caught >up in finding Lan, she supposed. Blushing as she remembered the details of >their wedding night, she turned and directed a smile at her husband. Misty: Why do I get the idea that this guy wrote a lemon about those two? Michelle: Why do I get the idea that it featured "Waka-chika?" >Lan >just nodded back before resuming his scan of the surroundings. Grimacing, >Nynaeve once more faced ahead. Hmph. Men. Michelle and Misty: Can't live with 'em, can't breed without 'em! >The Sea Folk women rode behind the other Aes Sedai, frequently darting >glances at a large, cloth-covered mound placed carefully on a cart. The Bowl >of the Winds. Brock: What about it? >A ter'angreal capable of altering the weather, giving them the >opportunity to bring an end to the unholy heat that had brought drought and >famine and generally made life miserable. Ash: That kooky stuff called "global warming"... Michelle: (Elayne) Well, why don't we just balefire the weather away? >It was also a sign of the Dark >One's touch on the world. Nynaeve suppressed a shiver and thought of >something else. Brock: More memories of the sex scene! Misty: (Nynaeve)Oh, waka-chika-waka-chika... >There were other ter'angreal and angreal in the carts, >possibly, but they still had to be tested. Misty: (Elayne) What is the capital of New Mexico? Michelle: (ter'angreal) Des Moines? Misty: NO!!! You got it WRONG!!! Try it AGAIN!!! >Nynaeve fervently hoped that they could use the Bowl properly. Michelle: Otherwise, the ingredients would go all over the place, and the cake mix would be ruined! >It had taken >a while to find it, and two Wise Women, as well as a lot of Mat's men, had >died in the struggle to wrest it from Darkfriend hands. Ash: Ooo, someone learned to use their thesaurus! >At the thought of >Darkfriends, she glared at Ispan Shefar, the Black sister they had captured. Brock: One of the Jacksons? Misty: Look, sure, Janet's last single wasn't that good, but you don't have to resort to that! >Ispan flinched and tightened her grip on her reins, and the Wise Women that >served as her guards clustered around her more tightly, if that was >possible. Mat's men-Where is that man, burn him! Brock: Check all the whore-houses, bars, and adult video arcades! Ash: Well, I always said, immolation is the sincerest form of flattery! >How long does it take to >find a lost boy? Misty: (stoner) Ummm, as long as it takes to find him? >-avoided looking at any of the women. Ash: Awww, they're shy! >"There it is." Nynaeve was distracted from her thoughts when Reanne pointed >out the farm to them. Michelle: (Reanne) I need to make a pit stop real quick. Misty: (Nynaeve) That'll teach you to take Ex-Lax before a month-long trip... >It was large, and the buildings certainly looked >spacious enough, as Reanne had promised. Elayne gave the woman a warm smile >and began moving off toward the buildings. Brock: (Elayne) This is where the aliens said that they were going to contact us! Michelle: (Nynaeve) Don't forget the applesauce! >The Wise Women and Aes Sedai >followed her, of course. Ash: (darkly) Like lambs to the slaughter... >"This looks more than satisfactory, Reanne." Elayne said approvingly. "Now, >in which building are we to-" Brock: (Elayne) ...have the orgy? Michelle: Brock... >She was cut off abruptly as fog suddenly >materialized from the ground. In moments, the entire group was completely >enshrouded. All: (singing) The weather started getting rough, the tiny farm was tossed... Misty: Aunty Em! Aunty Em! >Nynaeve bit back a yelp. The fog was impenetrable, giving them >absolutely no view of the outside. It was hard enough seeing the others, >come to think of it. Michelle: Then again, who would want to? Brock: The fog was thicker than Lan's head... >Lan moved closer to her, drawing his sword, Brock: (snickers) Misty: (Nynaeve) Lan! Not now! We're about to die, and you're getting intimate! >and >Birgitte and Aviendha, as well as the soldiers, drew their weapons as well. Ash: Wait, maybe that's the orgy that we mentioned earlier... Brock: (Lan) Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Fight Club. >The Aes Sedai, Wise Women, and Sea Folk embraced saidar and prepared for any >threat to come. Their horses whickered uneasily, stamping hooves and tossing >their heads. Brock: (horse) Wilbur! You promised that you wouldn't take us to the Misty Fields Glue Factory! >For the thousandth time, Nynaeve gave thanks that her block was >gone. Peering about this way and that, the group grew more and more uneasy >as nothing happened. Ash: Okay, fic! We can wait as long as you can! Misty: (Narrator) And then, as more time passed and nothing happened, the author realized that he had writer's block! >Then, suddenly, everything happened at once. Misty: (Narrator) Then, suddenly, the author added a cliche line to get things rolling again! >A portion of the fog thickened and took the shape of a hand, reaching out >towards them. Nynaeve and Elayne hurled balls of fire at it, while the rest >of the channelers dealt with dozens of other fog-shapes. Michelle: (Lan) Look out for the square! Men! Beware the triangle! Brock: Unfortunately, being an evil fog, it was made out of high octane gasoline! >Lan and the others >joined in as well, slashing this way and that. Unfortunately, the fog >regenerated itself, so for every tentacle of fog that was cut, two more took >its place. All: (Hums Sorcerer's Apprentice) >Using lightning bolts were too risky, as they might strike one of >the others, and so the channelers simply hurled fire at the fog. Ash: ...which had exactly no effect other than heating up the fog and making it more potent. >The >soldiers were getting the worst of it. Their horses had been snatched from >under them, and those who could not get up quickly enough were covered by >tentacles of fog and disappeared. Michelle: And, coincidentally, they were all wearing red shirts... >Those remaining moved nearer the Aes Sedai >and Wise Women. Brock: (soldier) Ladies first? >Elayne screamed. Misty: (Elayne) I just realized! My shoes don't match my dress today! >Everyone whirled, only to see her being snatched up and >disappear. Birgitte, Aviendha, and Vanin let out furious yells at that, and >redoubled their efforts. For that matter, everyone else did the same. Brock: Hey! She's not an extra! You're not supposed to get her! Michelle: It got a bit confused. After all, she was wearing a red shirt. >Nynaeve struggled to remember how to weave balefire, and while she was >thinking, felt something cold slide around her waist. Misty: (Nynaeve) Oh, Lan, you cad! >She didn't even have >time to scream as she felt herself being lifted off the ground, the thing >around her waist tightening and cutting off her breath. She looked down and >saw Lan lunge toward her, yelling her name. Brock: (Lan) Elayne... I mean, Egwene...! I mean, Aviendha...! >Then darkness overwhelmed her. Misty: (Narrator) Nynaeve was found, alive and of normal size, 800 miles away. There was no Bubble of Evil. > What the author has to say: Okay, okay, okay! I know you're thinking > 'BOOOORING!', Michelle: Well, if "BOOOORING" involves something like a band of trollocs locking horns with a band of orcs, then I guess that it was... >but things are gonna get interesting in the next chapter! > Really! Michelle: As much as we don't want to know, we're going to find out. >Chapter 2: Fight! Team Ranma vs. a Really Pissed Off Aes Sedai Ash: The stakes are: 2 to 1 in favor of the Aes Sedai! Misty: Come on, everybody, let's get out of here. (Everyone gets up) Reverse Door sequence "I need a break," Brock says as he walks out of the theatre. Ash follows him into the kitchen, at which point sounds of crashing and pain are produced. "Those two never really could cook worth a crud," Misty states. A moment later, Brock and Ash produce themselves from the kitchen with fruit roll-ups in their hands and second degree burns on their hands and arms. (Don't worry, they applied first aid in the kitchen.) "Now this is good cuisine," Brock says, taking a bite out of the "New York trash" shapes in his roll-up. The purple Hexfield light began to flash. "Hey, something's coming in on the Hexfield!" Michelle exclaims as she breaks the monotony by pressing the button to open the channel. As the screen turns on, the face of Ranma appears. "Hi, Michelle!" Ranma exclaims. "What's up, Ranma?" Michelle asks. "What's the occasion?" "Well, two things really," Ranma replies. "First of all, I heard that you guys are watching that Wheel of Time thing that I did a while back." "Yeah, well, we haven't seen you yet," Michelle replies. The three trainers have no idea who this is. They're smilling and nodding the whole time. "Don't worry, if you haven't yet, you will soon," Ranma replies. "I have no idea why I took that fic." "Needed the money again?" Michelle guesses. "Not really. Rumiko had just called me up to get me for another couple of episodes of her stuff," Ranma replies. "Maybe it's because that Elayne chick was kind of cute..." "Riiiiiight..." Michelle says. "But that really shouldn't have made up for how big of a bitch that Nynaeve person was. I swear, she was pulling that Aes Sedai junk on us every couple of minutes. It's just not worth that much humiliation. Have you ever had a bucket of raw rice dropped on your head, followed quickly by a bucket of raw fish, and then a bucket of seaweed for asking if you could get someone a bit of sushi? And then you couldn't even hit the person who did it to you because no body was there?" "Well, once, in a bar in India..." muses Michelle. Her eyes glaze over as she begins to have an internal flashback. Brock quickly snaps her out of it. "But anyway, the other reason is that I can't seem to be able to raise the first SoL at all," Ranma says. "Yeah, niether can we," Michelle replies. "The Mads have informed us that the SoL finally got down. Thank goodness for stupid tormentors and crappy Japanese electronics." Ash, Brock, and Misty begin to loom behind her angrily. "When they got down, I bought a few shares of ConGypsyCo stock, so if I ever get back down, I will be a very rich lady." "Oh, Gypsy has her own company?" Ranma asks. "I'll have to buy some before another idiot does. That way, he'll have to pay more." "Smart boy," Michelle says. "Of course, I got in at the bottom, so I gain either way." "Well, anyway, I've got to go now," Ranma says. "Back to the drawing board." In the background, a drumroll and a cymbal crash. The channel closes, leaving the bridge in silence. As the moment passes, the red Mad's light flashes. Michelle presses the button. "What's up, o evil tormentors?" Misty asks. Deep 151 "Well, not much here," Jesse says. "James is just getting into some fight with a lightsaber-wielding mad-man." Behind her, James and said lightsaber- wielding mad-man run past, carrying a boom-box, blasting out "Duel of the Fates" and squaring off with their lightsabers. "Just watch out for the TV!" Jesse cries angrily. "Meowth has come up missing. We'll have to look for him now, too. Don't you worry your little movie-going heads about it. You guys just get back in the theatre and watch some more of that fic." As the channel closes, a small Naboo-looking fighter whooshes past the window with Meowth screaming bloody murder and trying to figure out the controls. "Well, I guess that she said not to worry about it, so we won't!" Misty says as movie sign goes off, sending everyone into the theatre. Door 6: It's a Snorlax. You play your Pokeflute and he moves without much objection (as if). Door 5: It's a wall of weeds. You get Psyduck to Cut it down. Door 4: It's a castle gate. It falls and misses your feet by inches. Door 3: It's the head of a Gyarados. It opens and you walk through. Door 2: It's a wall of fire. You grab a nearby bucket of water and throw it on, wishing that you had a Squirtle, or a Wartortle, or even a Blastoise. Door 1: It's a vault door. You turn the handle and it swings open easily. Everyone takes their seats again, preparing to get the tune of "Duel of the Fates" out of their heads. "Maybe if we hum 'Summers in the Sun'..." Ash suggests. >Aes Sedai in Nerima Ash: The story of two completely mismatched room-mates! New on CBS this fall! Michelle: It's been done... > Chapter 2: Fight! Team Ranma vs. A Really Pissed Off Aes Sedai Misty: Real original title. Michelle: Well, at least it's not as bad as "A Lifestone for Aeris"... >It was an ordinary day for Ranma Saotome. Ash: Make some crappy fanfics, run through the cliche situations, get paid, go home, sleep in a bed of dead carp. Same old, same old. >His uncute fiancee, Akane, had >kicked him out of the dojo, Michelle: ...Saying that he shouldn't come back until he had collected the fifteen magical golden buttweasels. She figured that would keep him away from her. >he'd landed near Ucchan's and gotten a free >okonomiyaki, met up with Ryoga on his way out, and beat the crap out of him. >Then, Shampoo had glomped onto him, Mousse had come up and started beating >and cursing a mailbox, Brock: Of course, when he realized that it wasn't Ranma that he had been beating up, he asked it out. >and Ukyo stepped out of her restaurant to witness the >scene. Suddenly, Akane came charging up, apparently being chased by Kuno, >saw Ranma with Shampoo, and without breaking stride, Michelle: Realized that it really was Kuno that she loved, in the remarkably OOC style of acting. Ash: Good for Ranma. Now, she'll beat Kuno up for him! >planted her foot in >Ranma's face at the same time that Ukyo swung her spatula toward Shampoo and >Ryoga wandered into them and Mousse started attacking him. Ash: Wow, that handles a whole volume of the manga in a record time! Can we go home now? >All in all, it >was a tangled mess. As usual. And throughout the whole thing, Kuno just >stood there and yammered on about his love for Akane. Misty: (Kuno) You know, I really am fond for that girl, Akane. Maybe sometime, I will ask her to go with me to the theatre! Plus, I will anonymously leave the bouquet of flowers taped to her locker! Maybe a box of chocolates! No, I'm too shy for that... Brock: (Akane) Oh, it's almost time for my tea ceremony lessons. If you all will excuse me, I must be going... Ash: (Ranma) Maybe I'll just let Kuno off for getting me pregnant that one time... >Suddenly, a blond figure appeared on top of a fence and posed dramatically. >"In the name of the moon, I will punish you!!!" Misty: ...At which point she was knocked off the fence by some impatient youma. She was then ripped to shreds while trying to get her attacks off. >yelled the winner of the >Ditz of the Century Award. Ash: Well, gosh, that could be any of a thousand people that we know of. That could be Akane, Serena, it could even be Misty! Misty: (looming) Oh, it could, could it? Ash: Well, depending on the competition, it would probably be you. Misty: I'll hurt you later, after the fic. >Everyone grew a sweatdrop. Ash: I wonder what type of soil one uses to grow sweatdrops. Brock: Of course, the British always grow better sweatdrops. >"Er, sugar," Ukyo said, "this is a Ranma-Wheel of Time crossover. Not Sailor >Moon." Michelle: Well, guess what? It is now! Misty: Two line minimum for an official cross-over! >Serena turned red. "Um, sorry," she mumbled, running off at the speed of >light, kicking up trails of dust in her wake. Brock: Meep-meep! (vroom!) Ash: Beaker? Brock: Road-runner, stupid! >Everyone exchanged glances. Finally, Ranma asked, "Didn't she win the Ditz >Award or something?" Misty: (Akane) According to the script, yes. Brock: Starting with the fourth-wall-bashing early, are we? Misty: It's not my fault! >"Indeed," Kuno intoned, "it was a prize none deserved better than she. I >have heard that it was a close battle between her and Miyaka. Both ladies >are fair, and yet their beauty is as nothing when compared to that of my two >loves. Ash: Apparently, their stupidity is, however. >Oh, AKANE TENDO, I MUST DATE THEE-urk!!!" He was rudely interrupted >by Akane's fist in his face, which she then withdrew, and pulled her foot >back to deliver her famous Akane-Express-See-The-Skies! kick, Michelle: (Mortal Kombat voice) Finish them! >when Ukyo >yelled something. Brock: (Ukyo) Guys, look at this cool bug! Ash: (Ukyo) Hey, guys, have you ever heard of this stuff, "Viagra"? Michelle: (Ukyo) Verma! Misty: (Ranma) ... Why did you say, "Verma"? Michelle: (Ukyo) I panicked... >"Hey, guys, they look like they need help!" she commented, pointing to two >figures sprawled in an alley near Ucchan's. As they watched, one of them got >up and knelt beside the other one. "C'mon," Ranma said, heading toward the >two. "They're girls, I think." Ash: (Ranma) Chicks? I am *so* there! Misty: (Ranma) Man, where's the kairaishi? I need some more of that uncontrollable hugging stuff! >He didn't notice Akane glow blue and her hand >twitch toward her as yet hidden mallet. Michelle: (Akane) Obtaining lock on target... lock achieved! Fire when ready! >"Hey," he greeted the conscious one, who, he saw, was giving him a >suspicious look. "Um, do you need help?" Brock: (Ukyo) Because, actually, all I can do is peel you off the sidewalk with the spatula... >Ukyo stepped up beside him and >looked curiously at the two women, one with braided dark hair, and the other >with red-gold hair. Shampoo moved closer as well, not bothering to disguise >her interest. Brock: (Shampoo) Strange... Why I find these girls attractive? >"What strange womans doing here? What wrong with curly-hair?" she inquired, >leaning forward to examine the fair-haired one. The dark-haired one just >shook her head and focused once more on her companion, taking the other >woman's head between her hands. Ash: (Nynaeve) She's broken a leg. We'll have to put her down... >The unconscious woman's eyes suddenly >opened, and she gasped and flailed about. The other one murmured >comfortingly to her. Ranma caught the name 'Elayne'. Michelle: (Elayne) Gods, what did I do last night? Misty: (Nynaeve) Two words: Parlor tricks... Michelle: (Elayne) Man, I must have been unbearable... >Helping-Elayne?-- to her feet, the dark-haired woman turned her attention to >Ranma and his friends, examining them carefully. Ukyo spoke up. "Hello, I'm >Ukyo. Michelle: (Ukyo) I'll be leading you through your little tour of your personal hell for the next five days or so! >This," she said pointing to her companions, "is Ranma, Akane, Shampoo, >Ryoga, Mousse, and....." she stopped abruptly as she realized that Kuno was >still out for the count, lying somewhere on the street. Ash: I swear, his mother always said that he would end up like that... Misty: Ironically, she was planning to make him turn out like that by her self. >"....and we thought >you might need help." > >The dark-haired woman nodded slowly. "I'm Nynaeve," she replied. "Aes Sedai >of the Yellow Ajah. This is Elayne, of the Green." Michelle: (Nynaeve) None of you would happen to be named, "The Dark One," would you? Brock: (Ranma) Maybe me. Why do you ask? >Question marks appeared all around the Ranma crew. Brock: (Elayne) Sorry! Misfire! Misty: (Nynaeve) Next time, try not to make it so obvious. >"She say...Aes Sedai?" >Shampoo asked no one in particular, pronouncing the name awkwardly. Ryoga >shook his head. "Never heard of that." One by one, the group professed their >ignorance on the subject of Aes Sedai. Ash: Gosh, you don't know about Aes Sedai? You must be real idiots! Misty: You don't know anything about them, either! Ash: And? >Nynaeve and Elayne grew sweatdrops. Michelle: Man, now those are some real good ones there! We'll have to get Home and Gardens out for those! >It was then that Kuno awoke and staggered toward them. "Ah, who do we have >here? Two fair maidens, alone and unprotected, appearing suddenly in our >midst? Brock: Oh, come on! You? protect them? Give me a break! Psyduck could do a better job! >Fear not! I, Tatewaki Kuno, shall be thy salvation! I shall be thy >brave and noble knight! I shall...." He trailed off as Nynaeve boxed his ears. Misty: At least she didn't pull a Tyson on them. Brock: They need to pull a Tonya Harding on Kuno! >"Enough!" she snapped. "Bad enough we're in Light alone knows where, with >people who have no idea who we are! I do not want to have to put up with a >buffoon!" Ash: Then, why are you putting up with any of them, especially the author? Michelle: Ash! No author flames! >Ranma and the others applauded. "Very nicely said, " Mousse remarked. Ash: Of course, he didn't leave much of an impression because he was actually speaking to the mirror. Brock: So, how's that different from what you do every morning, Ash? Misty: (Nynaeve) Hey! Didn't I say that I wasn't putting up with any buffoons? Shut up! >Kuno, meanwhile, shook off the effects of the punch and was looking at >Nynaeve with a strange expression. Michelle: (darkly) A look of pure madness! Misty: He then wanders around for the rest of the week, muttering under his breath about Sheriff Lobo... >"Uh-oh," Akane muttered. "I know that >look." All: Duck and cover! >"OH, BEAUTIOUS ONE! I MUST DATE THEE!" he cried, embracing a startled >Nynaeve. Michelle: He then latched onto her neck and started sucking her dry... Misty: (Nynaeve) Look, a date is $5.50 for the first hour and $2.50 for the following hours. Ash: Oooo! I'm telling Lan! Oooooo! >Elayne looked like she had a headache. Ranma and the rest gaped at >Kuno. What's gotten into him? was the thought that was in everyone's minds. All: (singing) Friskies! >"Thy strength, thy courage," Kuno proclaimed, gesturing wildly, "they are >that which have shown me that you are a goddess among women, a rose among >thorns, a lily among seaweeds, as beautiful as the sunset...." Brock: (Kuno) ...and is that a gun that you're pulling out of your dress, or are you just happy to see me? Michelle: (turning slightly green) Hope that it's the gun... >"And about as red!" Elayne finished, struggling to control her laughter. >Indeed, her friend's face had turned an unhealthy shade of crimson, which >wasn't surprising, Misty: Considering the fact that she was coming down with a considerably bad case of heat stroke... >given that she was being embraced by a strange boy who >spouted off in the worst way. Ash: Gosh, right in the middle of public? He should learn to control that! Michelle: Keep it! It could be evidence in a very large lawsuit against him later on! >Ranma didn't exactly see what happened, but >one moment Kuno was glomping Nynaeve, and the next he was flying through the >air, headed for parts unknown. He hadn't seen either woman do anything. Brock: I suppose that now you're going to go blaming the mysterious, strange- looking women who just happen to be surrounded by an aura of blue light... Typical... >The >others, too, were wondering what had happened. Ash: Kuno found something that he shouldn't have under Nynaeve's dress while glomping her... >"Aiyah!" Shampoo exclaimed. "Strange woman have weird power!" Michelle: (stretching rubber band) Like, they can make a rubber band snap! (snaps rubber band) Misty: Where'd it go?! Brock: They're sorcerers! >At this point, >Nynaeve was beyond reason. She was still red in the face, and even Elayne >was looking at her worriedly."Nynaeve? Are you all right?" she asked in a >concerned voice. Ash: (Nynaeve) Me? Yeah, I'm fine! I'm just getting some practice for my Darth Maul costume for Halloween! >Nynaeve ignored her. She glared at the direction Kuno had flown, then >directed her glare at the remaining youths. "That boy," she said in a >too-calm voice, "was he your friend?" Misty: (Ranma) Friend? He was my lover! Brock: No Sheep-sheep references! >Ranma shrugged. "Well, no, not really. He's just an idiot who gets in >everyone's way." Michelle: Him and his dog, too! >That was, apparently, not at all enough to dampen Nynaeve's ire. Abruptly, >she raised her hand and pointed it at Ranma, and he flew back to land a few >meters away. Misty: (Nynaeve) I hope that you enjoyed flying Air Me! Please collect any items that you may have left behind. Brock: (Ranma) Wait, was that sex? Because if so, I want my money back... >Everyone else turned slowly to look at her, eyes bugging out. >Shampoo was the first to react. With a loud yell, she launched a kick at her >airen's attacker. Ash: Discussions at NATO break down into total chaos... as usual... >Then, she, too, flew through the air to land with a loud >thud against an unfriendly wall. Brock: Which uncharacteristically helped her to her feet. Michelle: Of course, the wall has more acting ability than any of the characters. Maybe we'll stare at the wall for a while. >Mousse, predictably, shrieked "Shampoo! My >love!!!" and ran over to her, predictably tripping over his own feet. Misty: ...and accidentally kissing Shampoo! Ash: Look, this isn't McWorld. Mousse ain't getting what he wants! >Ukyo and Akane drew their respective weapons. Ryoga just shook his head. >"Are you guys crazy?" he yelled at them. "They're women!" Michelle: (Ryoga) ...and women just are always the most gentle of creatures! Right, Akane? >"So what?" Ukyo replied. "I don't care if they're transvestites, anyone who >beats up my Ranchan gets it!!!" She added a killer glare for good measure. > >"Errr, as I was saying," he continued, turning slightly red, "let's show >them it's not nice to mess with martial artists!" Brock: (Ryoga) Ready... and... RUN AWAY!!! Ash: He learned that from Ranma, you know... Misty: And he learned it from O.J.. >Ukyo and Akane nodded and >advanced. Brock: Girls! This is not the right time to be acting like drunken prom dates! >Nynaeve glared at them, and suddenly, all three got a very nice aerial view >of Tokyo. As they hurtled through the air, Akane looked around for their >potential landing point. Michelle: (Ryoga) I hope that we come down soon. The window will be closed soon. Misty: (Akane) Remember, one more late landing, and your wings would be suspended! >"Look!" she pointed downwards (well, duh). "There's >the dojo! We're going to land in-" Michelle: ...The manure pile! All: (muted trumpet) Wah-wah, waaaaaaahhhh! >*SPLASH* Misty: Eeewwww! Squishy! Brock: Well, Genma-panda hasn't been feeling too healthy recently... Ash: Okay, enough with that! >"-the fish pond," Ukyo muttered, climbing out wearily. "It figures." >Reaching down to help Akane up, she noticed something peculiar. Ryoga's >clothes were floating around the pond, All: (singing) Oh yes, they call him the streak! *Zoom!* >but the lost boy himself was nowhere >to be found. Geez, Ukyo thought, this guy even manages to get lost in a fish >pond! Brock: (Ukyo, thinking) I bet his hand even gets lost in his- Michelle: (slaps Brock) >Akane swiped her wet hair from her eyes and looked around for Ryoga. "Ryoga! >Where'd he go?" > >Ukyo shrugged. "Got me." Misty: Quick! Check all of the major industrial nations in Eastern Europe, then Western Europe! Finally, check Antarctica! If the penguins haven't seen him, then he's dead. Ash: At least, that's what they told the authorities! (Dark laughter) >Then she noticed a small black pig struggling out of the water and onto dry >land. It bweeee'd and shook the water out, then ran over to Akane. Brock: (Akane) There's my pet sex toy! I've been- Michelle: (slaps Brock) You're *this* close to losing your internet privileges! >Said >girl, naturally, picked up her pet and hugged him. "Oh, P-chan, mommy's >missed you so much!" she exclaimed. Michelle: (Akane) And so has Kasumi! Ukyo! Go tell Kasumi that I've gotten dinner for tonight! >Ukyo blinked. Waitaminute. All: 5...4... >First, Ryoga disappears, then P-chan shows up. >And why is it wearing Ryoga's bandanna? All: 3...2... >A nasty suspicion formed in her >mind. Could it be that Ryoga.....that.... that..... All: 1... >COULD IT BE THAT RYOGA'S BANDANNA ISN'T ONE OF A KIND??? All: Hooray! Misty: And we have confirmation of complete stupidity! >The author facefaulted. Ash: He ain't the only one! >Akane, blissfully unaware of Ukyo's musings, started heading into the house. >"C'mon, Ukyo," she said over her shoulder, "we've still gotta deal with >those women!" Brock: (Akane) Okay, here's what we've got to do! (Whisper, whisper) rubber chicken (whisper, whisper) cantaloupe (whisper whisper) mad cow disease... >"Actually," Ukyo commented, "the other one-Elayne?-seemed pretty nice. But >Nynaeve....." Brock: (Stoner) Shya, she's a real bitch on wheels! Michelle: (Kasumi) I heard that your new teacher is going to be some nice lady named Nynaeve, girls! >she suppressed a shudder. "I wonder where she learned to do >those things? She must be a telekinetic. That, or a really good martial >artist." Ash: (Ukyo) Or maybe she's one of those psycho psychics that I read about in the tabloids! >"Hmp," Akane growled, "next time, I'll beat the tar out of her! She won't >catch me by surprise again! By the way," she continued in a too-casual >voice, "what's a telekinetic?" Michelle: (Akane, valley girl) Isn't it, like, one of those people who you call up and they tell you your fortune? >Ukyo sighed. "A telekinetic is a person who can move objects with his or her >mind, Akane." Misty: (Ukyo) Kind of like Siegfried and Roy without the strings... >"Oh." > >The two reached the living room, where Nabiki was watching TV and munching >on some cookies. "Hey sis," she greeted, "why the wet look?" Michelle: (Nabiki) Does Kasumi owe me 2000 more yen? >Akane just >shook her head. "Don't ask." > >They heard the sound of the front door being opened, and Kasumi's "Oh, my!" >(tm). Ash: Oh, come on! That's like copyrighting something that's still in your head! >Ukyo and Akane came running over, with Nabiki following at a more sedate >pace. Ranma, Shampoo, Mousse, and Kuno were standing in the doorway, looking >extremely disgruntled, but not seriously hurt. Brock: (Ranma) Hey, guys! We just got jobs with the post office! Wanna see our weapons? >Ranma grimaced. "Geez, they don't fight fair. Me an' Shampoo were getting up >to have a go at those two, and Mousse was trying to keep Kuno from glomping >what's-her-face....Nynaeve, I think her name was, and then something started >hitting us all over, 'cept I didn't see nothing!" Ash: (Akane) And how is that different from what you do? Brock: (Ranma) I trademarked it! Misty: Come on! That's like trademarking "Oh, my!" Michelle: (Kasumi) And there's a problem with this? (revving up chainsaw noises) >Shampoo nodded emphatically. "Is true! Strange womans no fight us fair! We >tossed around and around!" Misty: (Shampoo) Then, we fall down, go boom! Me go home now have bottle and nap-nap! >Mousse pushed up his glasses and looked solemnly at everyone. "Be very >careful of them, especially Nynaeve," he warned, "they possess otherwordly >powers." Michelle: Like touching their nose with their tongue and opening bottles of beer with his teeth! >"Feh," Ranma stalked into the house. Bad enough they had been defeated so >easily, but by a couple of women? Elayne hadn't seemed much older than >himself, and Nynaeve looked only about a few years older. Even though Ranma >didn't hit girls, he was just about ready to make an exception. Ash: (Ranma) Get ready, Nabiki! It's time to make the last cash-in!! >"Well, Shampoo need go back to Nekohanten. Tell great-grandmother about >strange womans! And Shampoo ask if great-grandmother know anything about >them. Come, Mousse," she commanded, already dragging the boy by his collar. Brock: (Mousse) Is that a- Michelle: (Shampoo) No, it not invitation! >Ukyo headed for the door. "Guess I'll be going, too. Konatsu's probably >bankrupted me already." Waving, she started off. Misty: (Ukyo) I never should have trusted him at Wheel of Fortune anyway! Michelle: Ironically, he won her a trip to Cozumel, free Scuba lessons, and a diamond necklace. >Muttering under her breath, Akane went back inside the house. Nabiki slowly >made her way back to the living room, thinking hard. Hmmm, two strange women >who defeated Ranma and his friends easily. Well, well, well......... Ash: (Nibiki) Ranma got his ass kicked by a girl! Let me check my Little Black Book of Blackmail for the number of ways to squeeze blood from a turnip! >She sat down >in front of the TV, munching her cookies thoughtfully, already intent on >finding out more about the strangers and coming up with ways to make a >profit off them. Michelle: (Nibiki) Now, I wonder how I did at the Baby Racing Tracks today! > What the author has to say: Mmmmmmm, cookies.......*drool* Anyway, about > Kuno's > glomping of Nynaeve....it's been theorized that Kuno basically goes bananas > over women who can beat him up. Kinky! Haven't you read "Ill Met By > Starlight"? If you haven't, go for it! Brock: I'll skip it, thanks! Voice of Meowth: Don't worry, we'll keep it in mind! Michelle: Let's go, everyone... All: (get up to leave) Reverse door sequence To be continued next episode... Contact the MSTer at: jmh6187@uncwil.edu