part2

Part 2: Video Game-Based Movies
Sadly, this is where Hollywood has decided to rear its ugly head in the video game world and as such produced more failures than successes. Hell, at the very best a video game movie was decent, which was a rarity. As naive as it sounds, I believe they can make a good video game movie, but Hollywood needs to get its head out of its ass and realize that gamers aren't mindless zombies that'll like something because of the title. I guess I could've just written a review for each of these films (which I will do sometime in the future), but this way I can get the subtlties of each film that I just couldn't do in a review. While the cartoons have stepped back into the shadows of pop culture, tons of movie ideas are being tossed around as I speak. Duke Nukem with the Rock (aka Dwayne, but that makes him sound like a wuss), Dead or Alive, and (wretch) Silent Hill. Some directors have made up bullshit like they actually play the game and love it, but that's a wad of shit. One thing is for sure, there's going to be a LOT of blunders before they find a winning formula.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Who better to start off the trend of video game movies than Nintendo's most beloved character of all time? Yes, Mario was first on the chopping block and easily one of the most difficult games to adapt. Super Mario Bros. is essentially a plumber's acid trip. Giant mushrooms? C'mon, there's way too many druggy overtones to ignore. The makers of the movie couldn't do a faithful live-action movie, so they decided to do the next best thing: toss out everything except for the characters names.

Say what you will about the film, but you can't fault respected UK actor Bob Hoskins for taking this role. He was practically born for it! Bob Hoskins will always be Mario to me. John Leguizamo isn't so much Luigi as he is an annoying bastard. Would it kill him to fill the role and grow a goddamn mustache? Some people just don't have the balls to suffer for their art. The story goes something like this: back when dinosaurs ruled the earth, a meteor hit and sent them into an alternate dimension.

This dimension is a desolate shithole, and outside that shithole is a desert while humans have gotten the better end of the deal, so the evolved dinos are pretty pissed (for some reason they look exactly like us). King Koopa is a dictator in this dimension and by capturing Princess Daisy (Toadstool), he can rule both worlds. That is of course if the Mario Bros. don't stop him first.

I'll give credit where credit is due. Case in point, those collectible Super Mario Bros. movie cups at 7/11 in 1993 sure did kick ass. I wonder what happened to my Yoshi cup? It's probably in someone's garbage by now. I do remember seeing this in the theaters and my mom declaring it the "worst piece of shit she ever had to sit through." I won't go that far, but it certainly hasn't aged well.

Street Fighter (1994)

"So, Bison, you want to fight a real man? Go fight your mother."--Me in a really condescending Jean Claude accent."

I'm pretty sure Jean Claude said that somewhere in the movie, and if he didn't, then he should've. Street Fighter had one helluva marketing blitz before the movie was even released. Aside from the usual advertisements, there was even a line of Street Fighter-based G.I. Joe toys. Hmm, Street Fighters versus heavily-armed Cobra troops...my money's on the Cobras. There was even a Street Fighter game based off the movie, entitled Street Fighter The Movie: The Game. How fucking redundant, and to think someone actually shelled out money for that game!

You can't really blame Jean Claude for this one, he's just being Jean Claude here. They gave him lots of money, he's not made of stone. Maybe it's that lump on his head that causes him to do things like this? At least he was able to pull off Guile's flash kick, he's still working on the sonic boom. The movie switches around a lot of the story. Instead of a random group of fighters each with their own ambition, it's the UN guys versus the Shadaloo guys (they even have red versus blue uniforms, how cute) and most of the focus is on Jean Claude.

All the other Street Fighter characters are played by nobodies, except for Jean Claude and Raul Julia who both kick ass in their respective roles. Let's face it, Jean Claude doesn't make for a very convincing American with his thicker than thick "Muscles from Brussels" accent. The only other character that rises above being an extra is Ming Na-Wen as Chun Li, though, as to why they decided to give her a red dress is beyond me. For a film entitled Street Fighter, there's a lot more shooting than there is martial arts fighting, which reinforces the theory that this is a cheap G.I. Joe rip-off with the Street Fighter title. Go Joe, uh, I mean Go Street Fighter!

Back to Scribblings Back to Part 1 Part 3 coming soon!

Double Dragon (1994)

Double Dragon has aged about as well as one of your grandparent's farts. Whoever came up with the idea of this movie is in desperate need of an ass-kicking. Yep, it's that bad and it has only one redeeming quality (if Whiplash had gotten naked then it would've been two), two words: Robert Patrick. The man, the myth, the T-1000. I don't know why Robert decided to sign on for this movie, he can't have to pay the rent that badly. Sure Robert does next to zero actually fighting, but he doesn't have to.

He's too cool for punching and kicking, and besides, who would want to harm him with that too-cool-for-this-planet haircut? I couldn't bring myself to damange that perfect "ice" mane of hair. Er, where was I? Billy and Jimmy Lee both look like college grads at the very best and I'm supposed to buy them as 15/16-year-old teens? There's just not enough Wheaties in the world for them to believably look like that. Somebody thought that it would be a good idea if they casted Party of Five's Scott Wolf alongside real life martial artist Mark Dacascos.

Mark is leagues better than Scott, even if Jennifer Love Hewitt decided to bail his sorry ass out. One lesson I've learned from Double Dragon is that in the future gangs will become a new source of amusement. There's mailmen and mime gangsters for Christ's sake, couldn't they at least try to be threatening? The highlight of the film is when Dacascos kicks out a Double Dragon arcade machine. In doing that, Mark could've destroyed the Double Dragon universe as we know it, imploding from the inside and ceasing to exist. On the plus, this movie wouldn't have existed if that happened.

Mortal Kombat (1995)

"Mortal Kombat is not about death, it is about life."--Christopher Lambert, MK

"Riiiiight."--Me in response to Mr. Lambert

Paul Anderson gets a bum rap in my opinion. People have bashed him for directing this and Resident Evil, but you have to understand the pressures he had to endure. On top of making a decent movie faithful to the video game, he has to have it rated PG-13...meaning NO OBSCENE GORE. No obscene gore in an MK movie? It sounded damn near impossible, but somehow Anderson made it work.

Anderson instead opted to make a no-brains martial arts movie with lots of fighting, insane stunts, and passable CGI effects. It worked. More importantly, they managed to get some of the signature moves into the movie and stayed fairly faithful to the game...except for the parts where they put MK1 and MK2 into a blender to make a scene. At least they didn't use MK3 for inspiration.

Mortal Kombat is an American martial arts movie, there's no questioning that. Just about everyone is a westerner in this flick. Hell, even Raiden is Christopher Lambert. Then again, he didn't need martial arts since he could zap your ass with lightning. For some unspecificed reason everyone's a real asshole to him even though he's trying to help their dumb asses (just because he's cool and can shoot electricity and a demi-god doesn't mean you can be rude assholes to him). He's Christopher Lambert and he is the Highlander, do what he says, bitches!

So here we are, the first decent video game movie...and then what? Right back down into the toilet with MK: Annihilation. Eh, that was a short-lived success.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Paul Anderson had nothing to do with this piece of garbage, and I honestly can't blame him for it. In case your watch stopped, the MK merchandizing blitz ended years ago with the release of MK3 in '95, the final nail in the MK coffin and a shitty game. Hollywood must be pretty naive if it thought it could away with this. After all, there is such a thing as "striking while the iron is still hot." or in simpler terms don't make another movie based on a game that's lost its popularity.

This one's based on MK3 and all bets are off. Outworld is going to engulf our world, and Shao Khan's army isn't helping anything. I can't really call them an army since they don't attack in large groups, more like a troop at a time. If Kahn doesn't do that, then he sends one bad MK character at a time to kill the good guys. You have an army made up of thousands of supernatural warriors, and you still can't win? This goes to show that stupidity can be a deciding factor in war.

Just about all the characters from the original MK movie are either deceased or replaced by nobodies. Each one of the new MK characters gets a minute-long cameo and then it's off to the next forgettable loser. And this time just about everyone gets their neck-snapped or killed in some spectacularly uninteresting way. Next, the movie adds a lot of bullshit that even the most hardened MK fan wouldn't be able to take.

In the opening, the good guys are traveling underground via a giant rolling ball. Then there's the "animality" angle leading up to some of the most laughable CGI effects ever to be seen in a film. And then there's the "spirit journey" crap with Liu Kang that we had to endure, though, seeing Jade in a loin cloth was certainly worth the wait.

When I first saw this in theaters, I remember it was full of grungy teens, the type of audience you'd expect to see an MK movie and even they hated it. So to avoid confusion, Paul Anderson didn't have anything to do with this shit. To add insult to injury, they're considering making yet another Mortal Kombat movie. Some people just don't know when to pack it in.

Wing Commander (1999)

Resident Evil (2002)

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

I haven't the slightest idea as to why I decided to see this movie in theaters, possibly inhaling a little too much hemp. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this belongs in the shit pile. This was back in a different era, back when Hollywood thought Freddie Prinz Jr. was the best thing since the invention of fire. Sigh, what were we thinking back then?

Freddie stars alongside his life-long buddy Matthew Lillard (christ, are they joined at the hip or something?) in this one, and I think it's high time someone told them that they don't have any damn chemistry together. Just because you have a relationship with that person in real life doesn't mean that it'll translate to film. Remember that movie that starred the entire Douglas family? Of course you don't, and if you do, bang your head real hard against the wall until you forget it.

Freddie Prinz Jr. needs some fucking acting classes here, I don't care how good-looking his female fans think him to be, he still sucks. The "wings" that appear in this movie look like they're made up of discarded scrap from the local dump. It's a trash can with cardboard wings, practically. And they're supposed to be flying this in space? I'd feel safer going into orbit in a box than that thing.

Then there's the Kilrathi, who we barely get to see. I want my Kilrathi fix, goddamn it! I don't care if you have to take one kicking and screaming or hooking one into my veins, they need to be in this movie for a longer period! On the plus, we didn't have to put up with Freddie Prinz Jr. much after this movie and with a little luck any future plans to make a sequel have been crushed.

Lara Croft's video game career was toast at this point (actually, it had been toast for a while, what with Core Design fucking up the formula and all), so she called some people and decided that she wanted to star in a movie in the form of Angelina Jolie. The film made enough money to spawn a (ugh) sequel, and there's talk of yet another Tomb Raider flick. I want everyone to accept the fact that Tomb Raider, the game series, is dead and this movie is just one more nail in the coffin.

In fact, why bother with an autopsy for Lara? I say we just dig a hole and throw her in even if she's twitching, 'cause each game is worse than the last and the so-called "resurrection" we were supposed to see with Angel of Darkness was by all accounts a smashing flop. Okay, rant over, now where were we?

This movie tries to make Lara hip, ultra-cool, and have skills in just about every area. In the game she could shoot, but that didn't mean she was some kind of master in everything. She was an adventurer, nothing more and nothing less. The movie resorts to the "insta irritating character" syndrome with some nerdy techie guy as a sidekick and her tight-assed butler.

Is it so much to ask that they actually get someone British to play Lara? No, they instead have to resort to using Angelina Jolie, aka Ms. Look-How-Fucking-Big-My-Lips-Are. Jesus, get some lip reduction. Besides hardly looking anything like Lara, she also has an irritating fake accent. My asscheeks would've had a more believable English accent than her.

This is the Tomb Raider movie for people who don't know shit about the game. Case in point, my mom dragged me to this one in 2001...and she enjoyed it. I can't say the same for anybody who has played the games before. Lara can get back on her feet, it's not impossible, but someone's going to have to put in some actual effort. Too bad it looks like they're just going to roll out as many as they can with minimal effort.

Contrary to the critical beating this movie took, I liked it. Just because a movie has zombies in it critics go nuts and say it's a rip-off of Night of the Living Dead. Speaking of which, George Romero wrote a script for the movie until it was handed over to Paul Anderson. Nothing against Mr. Romero and god knows we'd all like to see another entry into the Dead series, but keep that out of Resident Evil.

In the original script Barry was a black guy for some reason, Chris was turned into a tree-hugging wuss, and Chris and Jill were fuckbuddies. Write a new Dead script on your own time, George. Anyways, the premise is a sort of prequel to the original Resident Evil game in which the outbreak originated in an underground lab called the hive. A bunch of commandos go in and before you know it zombies want to chew on their faces.

The beefs? Quite simply, there isn't enough monsters and blood. Yeah, I know you can't have it all, but if I don't get my giant spider and Tyrant fix then I'm ornery all day. And what kind of zombies are these? When they were supposedly tearing somewhere apart, there was hardly any gore. Are they slowly nibbling them to death? Savoring them like a fine wine? Chewing on them like a piece of gum, trying to get every last ounce of flavor out before they eat 'em?

Another thing, the Licker looked stupid and was a damn weak monster to put in there period. The CG was so shiny and glossy, why do they do that? If you're going to create a believable CG creation, why make it super shiny and colored ten tints brighter than the other characters? Outside of that, the movie was decent, and the sequel looks to be good...if they can pull it off. Cross your fingers.

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

Through the magic of digital animation, the makers of Spirits Within have finally made the film resemble the games by only editing a few things. Expect this version to be included in the special, ultra rare, souped up, limited edition, collector's platinum DVD.

Spirits Within got shit on big time by the critics when it came out in theaters. Just about every review said it "lacked a human touch." The only response I can possibly give to this is "no shit, Sherlock." This is a computer-generated movie, so of course it's going to feel less human than a live-action movie. But for some reason the lack of a human touch is just dandy when it comes to little-kiddie comedies that are computer-generated. The critics always give tripe like Shrek, Finding Nemo, and Toy Story 2 good grades.

This is the reason why you'll never see a real anime (none of that Pokemon or Spirited Away crap) at your local theaters. People aren't willing to give serious animation a chance but they'll always enjoy some mass-produced piece of shit comedy. They also said the film was convoluted. Welcome to just about every Final Fantasy plot in existence. There were plenty of times that I scratched my head during FF7, but did I whine about it? No, and it's still one of the best RPGs I've ever played.

People could never really give me a straight answer as to why this movie failed other than "it wasn't like the game." Spirits Within was supposed to be unique from the games, although I did want a Chocobo or a Cactuar cameo. People just wanted to hate it, there's not much else to it. Then there are those who try to tell me it's preachy and confusing when they like Matrix: Reloaded. Hypocrites. In my opinion this is one of the better video game-based movies. Why? Because it tries to be a movie instead of following the game religiously.

There is nothing to really unify the worlds of Final Fantasy besides the themes presented. Luckily the people at Square are having another go at it in the form of Final Fantasy: Advent Children...a sequel to Final Fantasy 7. Because it's a sequel to FF7, even though it might not make any real sense to me, I have to see it anyway. Like a mosquito to a light, goddamn you, Square! Needless to say anyone who played the game has to see this movie when it comes out, no bones about it. But I'll never forget when the movie-going public turned vicious and tore Spirits Within limb from limb for no real reason.