The 4th of July arrived and the Bauers were more than ready for the barbecue. Rick was excited because it would be Abby's first time hearing the fireworks. He looked forward to her hearing all the laughter and not missing out on the jokes that he and Philip told (the same ones every year) he just wanted this to be a special 4th of July.
Josh and Reva were still in San Cristobel but the children were coming and Michelle and Danny were back and looking forward to a break from settling into the new house. It looked like a promising day. The sun was shining and all was right with the world as far as the Bauers were concerned.
Ray was sitting in his tiny room. The window high up on the wall did not let much light into the room. The furniture consisted of a narrow bed, a dresser and a small side table by the bed.
This parish was not only poor, the pastor was a cold and unforgiving man. He was respected by the parish but he had no patience with young priests. He told Ray in the beginning it was his job to keep a close eye on him. Ray's needs were minimal but here he felt deprived of any warmth. He tried to understand and prayed for acceptance of his lot. This is what God had wished for him, then he would tough it out. He would be a good and obedient priest.
Cassie had not planned on attending the celebration at the Bauer's . Tammy insisted it was going to be so much fun and everyone would be there. She begged until Cassie gave in. Blake would be there and she did enjoy watching Abby's enthusiastic reaction to everyday things. She could see no reason that Ray would attend. At least she hoped not. She had put it behind her and hoped all those feelings were gone forever.
Michelle and Danny were talking to Abby about the furniture they had chosen., actually it was more Michelle than Danny. He just shook his head and said that "Michelle had gone a little crazy"
Pilar and Bill arrived and talked of nothing but the San Cristobel vacation.
Blake and her children arrived and immediately went about helping Abby in the kitchen.
Cassie arrived and sat down in the Bauer kitchen. She saw Michelle look over at her two or three times, but said nothing. She and Danny exchanged glances and Cassie wished she had not come here today. "What are they thinking?" she wondered. If Tammy were not having such a wonderful time she would have gone home.
She overheard Danny say to Abby " Yes, Ray was transferred to Chicago.. he hates it, but that is what the church required. We tried to find out why he had to leave so suddenly but no one would tell us."
Michelle said" He is so miserable.. and Ray never complains.. but this parish is not exactly small. So he is always busy."
Now Cassie felt sick. He told Father Tomas and his answer was to throw him out of parish he loved. She wanted to cry. He didn't deserve that.. just for being a human being. Just for having feelings.. all of the feelings she had that night they were together came back in a rush.
Ray had hospital sick calls to make today. The temperature was rising rapidly right along with the humidity. He walked into the ward. Most of the patients in this ward were suffering from alcoholism. He had seen Mr. Baronsky several times. Each time in confession he had said he "wouldn't touch another drop" somehow.. he forgot that promise the minute he left the confessional. Mr. Baronsky's appearance was worse than usual. His face was gray.. his eyes sunken. He had lost a great deal of weight. Ray thought that finally his drinking days were over.. as were any other days. He looked to be in the last hours of his life.
Ray gave him the last rites.. rites of the sick and left the ward. He walked back to the parish. There was a breeze stirring and it felt good against his face. He wondered how Danny and Michelle were doing. He knew they were puzzled by his sudden exit from Springfield. Danny knew his cousin well and always questioned him about anything out of the ordinary. He knew it was concern, just as he was always concerned with Danny's well being. He didn't blame his cousin. He could not share this with him. A secret for the rest of his life. The first one he could never share.
Cassie wished she were anywhere else at this moment. Michelle came over and sat down across from her at the table. "How have you been, Cassie? Reva said you left the same day as Ray , we were surprised that Ray insisted on leaving so suddenly. We had planned another trip to explore San Cristobel. He got up that morning and said he just had to get back to Springfield." Michelle looked at Cassie as though she knew the reason for Ray's behavior.
"I know, I was surprised too. We ended up on the same flight going home. I was glad for the company." Cassie tried a smile.. it was a weak attempt.
"Hmm, well .. I am glad that he had some company too." Michelle said. Her eyes searched Cassie's face.
Danny came to stand behind Michelle, his hands on her shoulders.
"Did Ray tell you why he was in such a hurry to get home?" Danny asked
"No, he really didn't say much at all. We just talked about your party and what a good time everyone had.. a little about San Cristobel and how all of you had spent so many summers there as children." Cassie was feeling very uncomfortable discussing the plane ride. It brought back too many feelings she had tried to forget. Cassie excused herself so that she could find Tammy. She hated to rush off she ,told Rick and Abby, but she needed to get home to RJ.
Ray walked into the church and knelt down to say a prayer for Mr. Baronsky. He had no family and so Ray felt compelled to do what his family would have done. Someone knelt down in the pew in front of him. When he raised his head he saw the blond hair and suddenly all he could think about was Cassie. She stood up to leave and then he could see it was not her.
He heard the bells ringing and realized that soon he would be saying mass. He would be lost in that for a half hour. At least that seemed to soothe his ragged feelings. He had learned a lot in the last month. He saw poverty he had never witnessed in Springfield. Children with hollow eyes and mothers so tired that they had no joy in their lives. He thought about Aunt Carmen and her indulgence of all the children in the family. At least in the material sense. He had always known that they had been privileged, Carmen had seen to that. The price had been too high. He knew that she had not had those benefits as a child. She had adored her husband for providing that kind of life for her and his cousins. Saints and sinners., yes he knew more about that subject than he wanted to know.
Cassie arrived home and RJ was napping. The sitter was surprised to see her so soon.
"You're home early. Celebration over already? " she asked
" I wasn't feeling well, I thought I should come home"
"Do you want me to stay?" she asked
"No, I just think I will rest this afternoon, I am sure I feel better soon" Cassie answered.
"Yes , as soon as I can stop seeing suspicion on everyone's face." she thought.
Danny and Michelle sat on bench in the Bauer yard. She asked him what he was thinking about.
"Ray. I miss him. I don't understand why he had to leave like that, and I have asked him a hundred times. He just won't tell me. He has always told me everything.. just like I tell him everything." Danny brushed an eyelash from Michelle's cheek.
"You worry too much, Danny.. I thought maybe he told Cassie.. but she said he didn't say anything to her", Michelle said.
"Do you think Cassie acted kind of strange when we asked about Ray. I think she knows more than she is telling. They certainly were cozy at the house. They talked all afternoon and when I was talking to him he never took his eyes off her. That is not like Ray. I mean, I know he must notice attractive women.. he sure noticed Drew at our wedding..." Danny flinched after he said that. "keep your mouth shut Santos," he thought.
He glanced at Michelle but she was deep in thought. She didn't seem to hear him.
"Danny, do you think that Cassie and Ray..I mean , I don't think he would actually do that but.. sometimes .."
"Ray?, never.. no absolutely not.. never" Danny said with conviction.
Christmas time was nearing and Cassie, Reva and Josh were planning a big Christmas for the family. Unfortunately , Cassie had to clear up a business deal that had been pending. Her contact was in Chicago and he could not come to Springfield. She said she would go early and try to be back in time for Christmas eve. Reva told her she better or they would kidnap her.. no one was going to miss this Christmas.
She flew to Chicago to meet with Mr. Walden. He said he would have his car waiting at the airport. When they landed she got her luggage and waited outside the terminal for Mr. Walden's limousine. She saw him and nearly fainted. It was Ray and he was standing by the curb in the snow. Suddenly she had the desire to run from here and return to Springfield. He turned and saw her there. His face said more than words ever could.
The snow fell in large flakes. They clung to his hair. He brushed them away as he walked toward her. He held out his hand, like a business associate. She took his hand and then suddenly he embraced her. All the old feelings rushing back .. this would not do..not at all.
He stepped back and said" Cassie, how wonderful to see you." Those were the words.. his eyes said so much more. She preferred what his eyes said.. they told her what she longed to hear. That he had not forgotten San Cristobel.. the he had not forgotten her.
"What brings you to Chicago.. not the best time for a visit. " He smiled
" I don't mind. I kind of like the snow. At least this one.. " her voice trailed off into the night air.
Inside the terminal someone was paging her. Calling her to the white courtesy phone. The limousine was delayed because of weather. She would not have cared. She was just glad that it hadn't arrived.
"Are you waiting for someone?" Ray asked.
" A business meeting.. someone was sending a car. Probably tied up in traffic." she continued to stare at him. He looked thinner. He looked sadder. She wanted to kiss him, to hold him and never let him go.. she knew that she shouldn't be thinking these things.. but she didn't care anymore. It did no good to deny her feelings. They just came back stronger each time.
Ray looked at her and wondered if she ever thought about him. He had pushed those feelings aside for so long and now.. here she was, right in front of him.. how many times would he be tempted. It wasn't right. He had avoided any contact and now this.. it wasn't right. It didn't matter anymore.. right or wrong.. he just didn't care. Why was this happening.. he should leave.. yes .. that was it.. just leave .. walk away.. don't look into her eyes.. don't touch her..if you do you will be lost forever.. he put his hands together as if in prayer. It was not a conscious act . He realized what he had done and put his hands in his coat pockets.
The limousine pulled up to the curb and the driver stepped out. He asked if she were from Lewis Oil and she replied that she was.. he took her luggage and she turned to Ray.
She saw such pain on his face. She kissed him on the cheek and said "Goodbye Ray."
He put his hand to his cheek and watched her get into the limousine.
"Goodbye Cassie"
--Just as in earthly life lovers long for the moment when they are able to breathe forth their love for each other, to let their souls blend in a soft whisper, so the mystic longs for the moment when in prayer he can, as it were, creep into God.
