Dear gentle and patient readers: First off, please let your author extend her abject apologies for the delay in this chapter. There are many reasons for the delay; but let us be honest, Dietz is superstitious and the number thirteen scares him. However, after much cajoling and a bit of tickling, I have persuaded him to let us plod on. As you read this keep reminding yourselves, we are near the end, we are near completion. Now grab yourself a cup of Java, coffee, the nectar of the good life and sit down for a few with Dietz and his friend. Today's tale will prove quite interesting and this is important, most of this chapter comes directly out of the horses, er um; I mean Dietz's mouth. Please do not let his language jar you in anyway. He does not mean to be offensive, but he is from Toledo, remember that and do not judge him too harshly.
October 6, 1999
My friend and I are holed up outside a Chicago firearm depot waiting for our contacts.
This gives us some time to grab some coffee from the nearby 7-11 (there is one on every corner thank heavens for 7-11). After a few Big Gulp's old Dietzy boy is feeling close to normal. You know it is funny how the need for caffeine seems to affect some people. Me, after 100 ounces of the stuff, I am good to go for at least two hours.
So it seems that our story is winding down now, I mean we have a few chapters to summarize the events of the next two days and I am writing this to you now so you at least know that I survived. My pal keeps telling me to tell you the truth, the whole truth, the kit and caboodle, the shored-up shebang about what really went down in San Cristobel during the fancy ball and the events immediately leading up to and following the festivities. Therefore, here is my perspective of what went down so to speak. I reluctantly agree to do so here because frankly I know that the powers that be will make sure to change their story around or at least the way it is presented to the public to protect the guilty and accuse the innocent. When reading over this account, you need to remember that very few things you imagine or dream about ever turn out nearly as good in the harsh glare of daytime serialized television. Do you remember the bed in the woods fiasco? To think that I strained my seventh lumbar carrying that bed up into those woods when they might as well have used an inflatable mattress.
I should also mention to you that your man in San Cristobel, hey that is me, spent most of the masquerade ball hiding behind a stone pillar in the courtyard so some of the things I heard may have just been its echo. By the way, that pillar was actually made of Plaster of Paris and was not stone at all. When I hit my head against the pillar, laughing at the sight of Reva Shayne Lewis Lewis Lewis Winston Cooper Lewis dressed as and acting as if she were a princess, my head just went clear through the thing. It is as Boom Boom always says about Reva, she knew that dame was tractor trailer trash the day she and her fought over a man at a Springfield tractor-trailer pull back in 1981. BB always says you can take the trash out of the trailer but you cannot take the trailer out of the trash dump or is it the other way around?
Now remember this is the truth, not some fabrication.
Before the Ball
Let me say right off that the yacht is named Le BeBe, see that is what Michael used to call Carmen during those first madcap years of love between them both. Poor Michael he never did get feminine/masculine pronoun differentiation straight. Danny Santos is repainting the name of the yacht and it may very well be completed now.
Well, from the moment, the chaotic confused six some left south Miami Beach's harbor; the bumbling bozos were a hoot to watch. Cassie threw up for over 350 miles, which is a feat in itself. San Cristobel (SC) coast guard authorities spotted all of the six yacht nuts waving their hands and ranting and raving and staring out into the horizon about 50 miles off the coast. Hell, they even forgot to turn off the radio so everyone from Florida to Cuba heard what they were saying. Then nary a one of them thought to go below deck (other than to retrieve crackers to eat) until the coast guard boats announced a surprise inspection. Of course, the authorities were not looking for stowaways, castaways or a group of bumbling idiots trying to save someone that did not want saving. Although when Cassie kept yelling, no really I do have a passport, I do, really I do; it did draw some unnecessary attention to herself.
The SC authorities were looking for $2 million worth of bearer bonds, which they were going to get a reward for discovering. See the SC coast guard and police operate a little bit differently; piracy never really went out of style on this island. However, you see I have a weak spot for blonde dames and kids so I made sure those bonds were not so easy to find, and Carmen's dirty trick went untreated.
After the inspectors left, I just set back on one of my yacht's deck chairs and watched the group. They decided to do a practice run of the operation and that was a good idea.
I still am not sure how Jim LeMay was a Navy SEAL, as he does not know how to swim. Good thing that Matt person had saved his wife a few years from drowning because he sure needed practice pulling off the great Jimbo whale save. Why didn't Jimbo fess up before they all jumped into the water? I mean the man was even wearing frog scuba gear and jumped into the water and then started flailing around ¦yelling out, help me I am drowning, I cannot swim. What a sight. There was a life preserver by me but I was too busy laughing to throw it to the fool.
Watching the resuscitation efforts was plain ugly, the man almost died; no one was willing to help him. Finally, Matt stepped in once again to save the day. He seemed to be the only level headed and fashionable person on this three-hour tour. Plus LeMay's explosive device looked worse than that souped-up CB radio I rigged up at St. Michael's church (you know the one up the hill from Company nee Petulia's) a while back? LeMay's explosive device was essentially a sawed off flashlight with a couple of prongs attached to it. A ten minute diversion, my good eye! More like ten seconds. Cassie waving a few sparklers around and wearing some pasties could have created more of a diversion than that silly thing. In addition, his device spooked some of the island horses during a tourist moonlight ride on the beach; you all know how I feel about horse abuse, don't you?
When Cassie arrived on the island she quickly fell into the pool with Jim LeMay while posing as his wife and then just as quickly (in the same magenta/hot pink bathing suit now mind you) ran into Prince Richard on the beach. Richard was riding the now infamous Carla Ray, a lovely horse; she is a very good mount from what I hear.
The Masquerade Ball
Boom Boom may be able to provide you all with more insightful color commentary on the ball. Of course, she was there! In a country as small as San Cristobel you always have to invite the party girls and the definition of party girl equals Boom Boom. The sound of the words Limbo and Dollar Dance excite her tremendously and her name is on the top of every guest list in SC.
Boom Boom outdid herself this year; she came dressed as a mermaid in a fetching sea foam thin gauze costume (it actually looked like tie-dyed hospital gauze)? She was the most noticed woman at the party. It was not just her flashing fin tail either.
Everyone but everyone was in costume well, almost; Reva chose to wear a regal gown of ice blue damask material with a royal sash and honorary ribbons. Even BB said the crown was a bit much and offered up that she thought the jewels were actually paste. Reva wore a mask for all of 15 minutes before shedding it to glow in her glory over princess of her domain. Some might actually argue that Reva dressed, as royalty was a great costume. Reva was married to Prince Richard who BB refers to as stiffie but BB also claims his brother1 Edmund is the one who really knows how to extend the island hand of hospitality.
Edmund and Richard dressed in royal uniforms with dramatic gold and silver masks. Olivia wore a sleeveless tight fitting navy blue number, which I kept hoping, would bust open at its seams. From the perch behind the papery column, one could only hope. Michelle came dressed in a short purple spangled costume, which was quite sexy, and risque. It reminded me of something Carmen wore when she was her age at her first Carnival. That Chicago dancing dame, Cassie wore a two piece pink number that had Jumping Jim LeMay and Prince Richard's eyes popping and double crossing the whole evening through.
The masquerade outfits actually confused everyone a great deal. Many of the islanders did not get the message that the Masquerade Ball was actually a Carnival celebration mimicking some of the grander Carnival celebrations on other Caribbean Islands. That may have been why some of the women were wearing such large headdress creations.
It would have been nice if the royalty and uninvited guests such as Cassie and Jumping Jim had bothered to let the locals know. I know that Alden Heath, later to become SC's El Presidente in the October coup was quite embarrassed when he showed up as Little Bo Peep.
I came dressed as a candelabrum to avoid suspicion and it worked. My friend, Colonel Dax came decked out in his uniform and a dashing mask. The Colonel hung around a bit after the festivities and interacted with Danny Santos, an action that is long overdue in my opinion considering their common bonds.
I would like to extend apologies to the family of the man who dressed as the energizer bunny that kept butting into me as a joke. I mean first off he spends all this money on a costume and then arrives to find out that, he could have come dressed as a princess, saved money by wearing his own tiara and heck he might have looked better than Princess Catherine. Then too, he might have lived longer, but after one too many times of hearing him say that he goes on and on forever, I asked him to follow me outside and I kind of like disconnected his batteries if you know what I mean. Hey, I was on stakeout!
As I said it was interesting to see what the local dignitaries wore for costumes. Some came dressed as Mata Hari, Cleopatra and as nuns and that were just some of the men!
Josh was dressed in a long sleeved black mercenary soldier outfit that is actually quite passe in both the mob and espionage worlds today. Matt Reardon was dressed more appropriately and sensibly in a short gray/black T-shirt, black stealth jeans and combat boots. Josh looked like he was ready to ride about the island destroying local foliage in a jeep or Land Rover.
Richard and Edmund both looked ready to jump on motorcycles, boats and planes. Everyone looked ready to hang off a cliff if need be and fight to either kill Reva or save her honor if anyone could ever figure out what her honor was and I could tell a joke here about who was on her and off her but that would be in bad taste, even for me.
As you can probably well imagine the highlight of the evening was BB's arrival. Her costume was beyond compare and description, I tried to describe it earlier but simply put it cannot be described. She was up to her usual party girl antics, that girl sure can liven up a room full of half dead aristocrats. In addition, if you think Reva Shayne's jump into that fountain all those years ago was something, well you have not lived until you see BB well, I had better not tell.
Maybe someday she will tell her story, her side of the coin, her remembrances of the evening. I am still frankly miffed at her for seeing me at the party and not ever once coming over to light my tapers, trim my wick, check for wax drippings, you get the idea?
Well, BB was phenomenal and as usual a real aid to the princes (although Edmund is growing weary of her inane joke of do you have prince Edward in a can well howsa about Edmund is he in there too)? She always makes a man feel downright, well as he should take off his tie and shirt they all sure pull at their collars a lot around her. I did get upset at her constant flirting with Colonel Dax. He is old enough to be her father; hell, he is old enough to be anyone's father if you catch my drift.
Apres Ball Scenes
The party was actually a bit of a bust but the chase scenes afterward were a real hoot. Sure, I put sugar in the jeep's gas tank and sure, I could have given one of those people a hand up off that cliff but then would I still be here to tell you all of this?
I think you all will be glad to know that Michelle's accident, alluded to in earlier chapters of this epic story, resulted only in the breakage of two nails and a sore toe (a large object dropped it). Danny Manny was worried sick and had her check into the hospital and everything but she is okay. He is very dramatic about things having to do with his wife, Michelle. He refers to this slight mishap as the accident.
As you all know, Michelle and Danny had a terrific fight over the bearer bonds. Once again, if anyone had talked to moi, I could clear up the whole matter, but no Michelle Bauer Santos cannot even say thank you when I take her bags out of her room or please or anything. That little dame is a BB in the making, Danny had better watch out.
Therefore, they fought and then they had quite an interesting make-up session in the pool outside the Casa Santos Annex. I sure wish I had known they were going to be taking a swim that day. See I think all the dry ice I left out there from the night before combined with the pool temperature, which I had turned way up for the seniors from the island that use the pool for water aerobics caused the pool to be really hot and steamy. Even I had a hard time seeing all of what they were doing through all of that steam. He had his tuxedo on and jumped into the water and the two of them kissed and made up but what can you honestly do in a pool when you are wearing a wet tuxedo? The answer is not much. Danny could have taken the tuxedo off before, at least his shirt but these two are so shy in front of the cameras and extras. Me, I'd strip down in second if they asked me too, heck I often do anyway.
Anyway, the completely stupid pool scene was a botched up overblown fiasco.
It makes one wonder if the wrong Santos entered into the church racket. Could not help but think that Ray would have done a better job with that Bauer dame out by that pool, some type of deja vu as if maybe I had read something about that before, oh I have to be careful of those flashbacks. Of course, later on before flying back to Springfield town, they ran into Colonel Dax, an old family friend, wink wink with the good eye!
Of course, it was Prince Richard's lackadaisical attitudes towards his people that did him in and it was Prince Edmund's power hungry greed, which kept him from seizing power. One of El Presidente Heath's first declarations was that masquerade ball invitations designate appropriate costume wear. Heath is not a bad man, even if he is just another one of Carmen's lackeys, one of my peers, a fellow minion.
Not to give anything away to you all yet, but the bright readers have probably already figured this thing out. Sure, wish I had an inkling of what was going to happen before but then you would not have JCMD; well our work here at the depot is done now, the contact never showed. We head down to the airport to catch a flight back to Springfield. Just a bit more and this story is finis, gone forever, adios ville man. Yep, the whole ball, the usurping of the San Plaster of Paris monarchy was all just another piece of the puzzle.
While we sit at the airport, a man runs through yelling, is there a priest in here? Is anyone here a minister? Personally, I had to laugh. Ray's father, Ricardo, used to joke with us all that the only good priest is a one. Boy, sometimes I am glad he never lived to see the day his kid became a priest noviate. That leads to the good news for some readers at least; one day in early September, the kid woke up and left the ministry game for good. That is right, the Ray kid moved on to better things and now splits his time between New York City and Atlanta! Yep, life is treating him well now; he even met a swell woman outside a baseball park cafe down in Atlanta. The kid will have a real life now with a real woman. He will not be involved in any Santos melodramas unless he visits Springfield for the holidays.
Of course, Carmen, hit the wall and then moi, as usual when she found out Ray left the church. Said she needed contacts within the monastery and the church, she always has to have a piece of everything. The boss ended up replacing the kid with an older man who also goes by the name of Ray. She has some amazing dirt on Father Tomas so whatever she says goes. Carmen said this priest better stay put; she was paying him enough to pretend to be a family member. She also said Pilar and Danny would never notice the change. She is right there; those two have not been to mass since the incident over that souped-up CB radio. I have prayed to God to ask for forgiveness for my little bomb joke and although I have yet to receive a direct reply, I think all is well.
See you in JCMD Part 14.